Overall Impression

Thank you for sharing "Roses and Candles" with us Wattpad heads. I apologize in advance if any of this is overly harsh. I strive to give honest, detailed critiques. If you have any questions or want me to take another look, please DM me.

Overall, I enjoyed your work. Even though it was directed solely at Max, it elicited a strong emotional response. While reading, I often felt like an intruder as if I had snooped through the narrator's sock drawer and filched the private letters to Max and maybe a diary or three.

As we discussed over DM, this critique includes discussion of the work as both a story and a poem.

At first, I found the chapter per stanza layout a little distracting. Every page turn there's an add for someone else's book...It stopped bothering me around chapter 12. I can't pinpoint why. Perhaps I simply got used to it. You may want to check your stats and see if people are reading straight through.

I don't discuss themes. I believe that themes are a more personal take away from poetry. Our take away naturally changes from person to person and even year to year. To this day, I consider "because I was high" to be the primary theme behind Coleridge's "Kubla Khan".

The Good

Flow. Although it doesn't have the tight time-line I prefer for short stories, with one exception that I'll discuss in a moment, this flows from stanza to stanza and follows the relationship to the bitter end.

Focus. The narrative remained focused solely on the relationship between them. Given it's word count, this was an excellent choice.

Characters. The narrator and Max. Again, hyper-focused on the two characters and their relationship. Emphasizing with both characters was remarkably easy. It doesn't matter whether the reader is straight, gay, or sheet two other your characters were highly relatable and heart wrenching.

The Bad

Classification. As we've discussed, to me this is not a short story. It's a free verse, dramatic monologue. It also reminds me of 18th century letter poems. I love those aspects. It successfully tells a complete story and the characters are three dimensional. However, I'm left wondering if some readers may be put off because it's labeled short story. I'm concerned it may not meet their expectations for a short story. I suppose the only way to know is to change the genre for a few weeks and find out.

To me, this is the difference between Alice Monroe and Alfred Tennyson. If I'm in the mood for short stories, I don't pick up Tennyson. That's just me though.

Setting. You have a minimal setting, which is fine. In my opinion, the settings felt slightly flat because they were described but rarely interacted with. For instance, the café's wall color didn't enhance scene for me, but quirky coffee mugs or an ultra modern interior that contrasts with the campsite might, but only if it shows something about their characters and they interact with it.

A few notes about how I read this...

My first read through was silent. I took a few notes, but I was silent. For the second, I set the notebook down and paced around my little apartment while I read it out loud. In the line by line, you'll see what I call rhythm notes. These are places where the punctuation didn't match how I read it. In my opinion, it is one of the least objective areas of poetry. There are no hard and fast rules on this. It's a gut check. I've included these observations, but I encourage you to run through the same exercise, perhaps with a voice recorder. You have the flexibility here to match the punctuation to your vision of how this should be read at a poetry night.

One pet peeve...author's notes aren't chapters. I kind of think yours belongs in the blurb, not as a stand alone chapter, but I am biased.

Because every line has its own impact, I opted for a line by line review. Please remember that for most of what I've noted below, there is no right or wrong.

Line by Line

Missing words are in parenthesis. (ex. a (missing) word).

Prologue

Ln 4: I keep reading this with a hard break in the middle like it's two lines. Perhaps after garden or after roses...

"with (a) million"

"and hope to color my vision of dull" --> I actually read this one out loud a few times. I can't put my finger on what about the last two words doesn't feel right. It just didn't flow to me.

Chapter 1

I wonder if there's a stronger way to show this "deep, dark, lonely".

Chapter 2

hello's --> hellos

"opened book(,) Max" ... Comma usage when addressing Max was inconsistent throughout this piece. Sometimes there is one; sometimes there isn't. I'm not going to flag them all. Most of the time, when the narrator says Max, I believe they were speaking to Max (whether present or not). That merits a comma.

Chapter 4

"pictures that (grace)"

"It was a first for me..." --> This is just my opinion here, but I find a tighter writing style gives more oomph for the word count. If you rewrote this without the weak "was" and used stronger verbs, would it increase the reader's emotional response? For me, it would.

"helped change me" --> To me, changed is more powerful by itself than with helped.

Chapter 5

"had something different" --> If possible, show the something.

Chapter 10*

"I bathed in the simplicity of our nightly talks and relished..." --> My absolute favorite sentence of the entire work. Hearts! Lots of hearts!

Part 2

I enjoyed the different style poems between each part. I'm not sure this one benefits from the word "and". It may flow better without it.

Chapter 11

"after quite a time" --> Given the characterization here and the unrequited/lost love plot line, letting the readers know how long would make this stronger.

Chapter 13

"to take me (on) an adventure"

Chapter 15

"of the popular Irish beer" --> Although I like this phrase, I'm not certain it flows with the rest of this stanza.

Chapter 17

"doing the frowned" --> Although I understand what your conveying, frowned didn't work for me. The rest of this line rolls off the tongue with ease. Frowned didn't.

Chapter 18

In my notes, I have "light hearted and fun" under this. I enjoyed it. It's this humorous little vignette, and it made me smile. But it felt out of place with the rest of the work.

Chapter 19

To me, this shows the same thing as chapter 18. It also has the same voice as Chapter 17. I recommend moving chapter 18 to the end of the work and relabeling it as an outtake. That way it's still there, but it doesn't disrupt the flow.

Chapter 22

"The darkness(,) broken...(,) billowed." --> In a poetic sense, commas also pause. So these are pauses, not grammatically correct commas. This is a beautiful line. My close second favorite... I just think its is more profound if the reader pauses for a half a second between each of these.

"This place is beautiful(,) Max." --> Comma because he's speaking to Max.

Chapter 23

"We just simply floated" --> Consider "We floated. To me, dropping "just simply" allows a longer pause after floated and strengthens the metaphor that's really not a metaphor here.

"magical dream(.) Content" --> I'm torn on whether Content should be it's line. It's a rhythm question. How far do you want to draw out the space between dream and content?

"It's like hearing..." --> From a grammatical standpoint, like is correct. For poetry, dropping "like" makes "hearing" have a stronger impact.

"indescribable feeling" --> Up to this point, the narrator describes a myriad of feelings, often in unique ways. I would appreciate this more if the feelings were described. Or at least the narrator made an attempt.

Chapter 24

"I can't help but to savor..." --> To me, the strongest verb in this sentence is savor. Let it shine! For instance, "I savor the moment in melancholy...".

"Alike and forever..."--> I'm hearing a dramatic pause here like a paragraph break.

"I'm not ready." --> Here, dropping the "and" ups the drama to me. I also here a paragraph break, breaking this off on its own. "

Chapter 25

"Your joking tone..." --> 'm hearing a dramatic paragraph break here.

"Upon a time" --> To me, this is a cliché. I also think it's a slight break in character. For the narrator, there's life before, during, and after Max. Maybe instead of once upon a time, it's once upon a life.

"memories (are) mine"

Part 3

"It's tearing me broken" --> I feel like there may be a word or two missing here.

Chapter 26

"(on) an adventure"--> On an adventure, not to.

Chapter 27

"The moments...is..." --> I believe this would be stronger without the passive voice.

"I wanted..."--> This sequence of "I wanted"s is beautiful. I think each should be its own line. I read it a few ways and that just struck me more.

Chapter 28

"that had the blood" --> This phrase felt off to me. It just didn't flow off the tongue. I think it it's the "that had" that interrupted it. Hard to say.

Chapter 29

"And started a fire"--> Although it uses the setting, it seems to me like this is the last thing anyone would be focusing on. It's incidental to the rest of the scene. It's almost mundane if that makes sense, which could be its purpose.

Chapter 30

"café walls (were)"

Since most of the descriptions are related to Max, perhaps drop the café description or show it by Max interacting with it. I don't mean sitting in the café. His pitch black shirt against the white wall, the three Max's who stand up every time the barista shouts "Coffee, Max", the chipped mug he holds handle front so he doesn't cut his lip on it...These are just examples.

I like the scene and what it shows about their characters. I just think the setting needs to be more about Max.

Chapter 33

"I reluctantly (gave) it"

"The broken embers of my heart mix with the flames of your unknowing one." --> Dropping "seem to" strengthens this to me. I'm not sure mix is the best word here. I don't believe heart needs to be repeated the second time.

Chapter 34

I hear the "Even if"s as two distinct lines.

"I need (to) realize"

Chapter 35

"This dance that we are doing (no comma) won't last" --> Normally, I'd recommend rewording this sentence without "that" and "are". I'm not sure how that would change the flow. I still think it's worth experimenting with, but it may not make the final cut.

"to the hitting" --> "to hitting"

"Our last is not to be"--> Consider "Our last will not be." I've always found "to be" a little awkward, which doesn't stop me from using it. Again, this is a rhythm question. I don't believe the changes the characterization either way.

Chapter 36

"You are like the sun"--> All the yous here are standalone sentences joined by commas. I think they are stronger as sentences and question whether they should also each be their own line.

Chapter 37

Profound.

Chapter 38

'And with a smile I said(,) "Thank you."'--> Missing dialogue tag punctuation, not a rhythm thing.

"Take care(,) Max."

Epilogue

As enjoyable as this part is, you may want to play with the punctuation a bit here. Harder stops to up the drama. Maybe even an em-dash at the end of one line...No punctuation other than line breaks could also work. For me, the commas were both too much and not enough.

"it needs not to be taught." --> By now, you may have picked up on my personal vendetta against "to be". Vendetta aside, I feel

"He likes me not."

is the strongest and most final line of the epilogue. When reading it out loud, it felt like the end. It concludes the piece.

Conclusion

Overall, I found this unusual and beautiful. With a few edits (grammatical commas and missing words), I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this and can easily picture it being read during an coffee house poetry night.

One thought I had while reading is unrelated to the poem itself, but I thought I'd share it anyhow. Should you write a similar work in the future, you may want to skip WattPad, polish it, and do a round of submissions to poetry zines. If none of them bite, then post it on WattPad.