Overall Impression

Thank you for sharing Child of Steel and Fire with us Wattpad heads. I apologize in advance if any of this is overly harsh. I strive to give honest, detailed critiques. If you have any questions or want me to take another look, please DM me.

In general, the story works for me. I'm a bit of an action junkie...Okay, a major action junkie...Chapter 2 was my hands down favorite of three. *Shrugs* I like reading brawls.

The first chapter didn't elicit as strong of an emotional response as the second and third. Perhaps, this is because I'm a self confessed member of action junkies anonymous. Although I enjoyed the story, and this certainly wouldn't stop me from reading further, I feel as if Nesrin's characterization (or perhaps Ahna's perception of her) raised several contradictions. These contradictions may have limited my enjoyment of chapter one when compared with how much I enjoyed chapter two.

Overall, I found it a well polished, enjoyable read.

The Good

World Building. Little details, including the two moons shown in chapter 3 and the explanation of the lords, provided an excellent overview of your world without beating me over the head with what color Ahna's shirt was. For me, it was just the right amount of detail without going insane. I applaud you.

Pacing. Although the first chapter started a little slow, the chapter ended with an excellent cliff hanger and chapter two dove into the action head first. Nicely done.

Plot. The suspense builds throughout these three chapters. There's a clear progression from point a (lords visit) to b (Nesrin arrested) to c (Ahna breaks her chains).

Point of view. A nice, consistent third person with zero head hopping. Well done.

The Bad

Nesrin's characterization. Although I found her character intriguing and definitely want to know how she ended up in prison if she was this high-powered foreign diplomat. Based on Ahna's description, I believed Nesrin had been imprisoned for a long time. the "his predecessor died last year" comment threw me. More about this in the characterization section below.

Telling. I'm a show me type. To me, showing me the shackles on Ahna's wrists will always be more powerful than telling me she's a prisoner.

Hook/Opening

A lot of folks enjoy maps, definition lists, and pronunciations guide. I'm not one of them. As a reader, I skip this. Always. It just doesn't hook me. As a result, I always question whether it should be before the first real chapter. I realize Wattpad doesn't offer sufficient flexibility to merge this content into the chapter as an aside, but I still wonder if there may be a better approach.

The opening grabs me. However, the second paragraph hooks me harder than the first. The first paragraph tells me she's a captive. The second shows it. To me, showing is always more powerful. Also, the second sentence of the first paragraph uses passive voice.

Plot

Overall, the plot works. I didn't notice any potential plot holes. The world building was consistent. World specific terms were spelled the same. Well done.

Word Choice and Accuracy

Chapter 1

"boulder" > When I read boulder, I picture a rock taller than I am. Perhaps I've been on too many camping trips...I do not believe a pick axe will split a boulder. Dynamite, yes. Pick axe, no.

"sheen from her forehead" > I believe this should be sweat.

"calluses that would never have a chance to heal" > Should this be "blisters"? Calluses don't heal. They build up until they're thick enough to prevent blisters.

"Redraven" > I read this as two words. However, given the spelling of Ne'haer. I wonder if dropping the d or the r and turning it into a similar type word might be more cohesive from a world building perspective.

Chapter 2

"swung the weapon into his knees" > Even with Ahna's gut twisting here, this is ambiguous. Although it's unlikely, it could mean the overseer hit himself in the knee.

The action sequence with the redravens feels a little off to me. They're surrounded by prisoners. A riot breaks out, goes on around them. Then someone yells "Guards! Get them in their cells!" and the few unarmed holdouts draw their weapons. It seems odd to me that they didn't draw their weapons at the first sign of trouble.

"awful, terrible place" > To me, terrible is awful.

Chapter 3

"They had taken, Nesrin." > I believe "took" is stronger than "had taken". Sometimes, the story demands passive voice, but I don't believe it does here.

"two dull eyes" > To me, eyes implies two unless I'm shown an alien or magical creature born with a different number.

"had all but stolen" (handsome) > Did it or didn't it steal his looks?

Iron shattered > A minor point here...iron does not shatter when heated. Depending on the carbon content, it may fracture. It will eventually melt. It doesn't shatter...unless there's magic involved. If there is magic involved, I'm the kind of crazy that needs to see the magic expanding chains and them shattering like a breaking mirror.

Characters and Characterization

Overall, I found Ahna believable and likable. I found myself crossing my fingers when she started breaking her chains and cheering when she succeeded. As this critique only goes through chapter 3, I don't yet know if I find Leofric a believable character. That said, what I saw of him was believable.

Ahna

I loved the little details about her like how she noticed the palanquin bearers were too thin. She was likable and believable. As I said above, I found myself cheering her on.

That said, I'm left with the impression that she's not the most reliable narrator. (Which is fine. Unreliable narrators mean more plot twists. I enjoy a good plot twist.)

In particular, the scene where Nesrin is charged (I won't say arrested because she's already in prison) suggests she either has a rose tinted view of Nesrin or the rest of the prisoners are wrong. Or perhaps Nesrin is only nice to her. Either way, I found myself questioning both her perception of Nesrin and Nesrin's motives.

When the rider punches Ahna in the jaw...I wondered if she bit her tongue. Unless she had it pressed against the roof of her mouth, she probably did. Just a somewhat random thought.

Nesrin

As I mentioned above, I didn't connect with Nesrin as easily as I did with Ahna. I feel as if this is more a telling issue than a characterization one.

Ahna tells me Nesrin's devious (devious flickered in her eyes), won't discuss her imprisonment, and is feared and respected. I'm one of those people who needs to see how Nesrin reacts when someone foolishly asks how she ended up in prison.

"His predecessor died last year. They were still searching for a replacement when I was brought here."

To me, the above line strongly implies Nesrin hasn't been imprisoned long. I'm slightly puzzled because she's so feared and yet she hasn't had long to build up a reputation. It makes me think Ahna would have seen one or two things that contributed to Nesrin's fearsome reputation. The guards may fear her for whatever she did that landed her in prison. If the other prisoners are as disconnected from the outside world as this statement makes Ahna appear, I question whether a pre-prison event would make the other prisoners fear her.

Leofric

Although I feel I should withhold judgment until I get to know him a bit better, I liked his character. Leofric also had my favorite line:

"Oh, it does when it involves a diplomat's daughter."

Showing vs Telling

While I appreciate how chapter one shows me Ahna desperately needs water, I believe that showing what she'll do to get a sip of water would be stronger than telling me she'd give anything for one.

Word Choice

Chapter 1

"boulder" > When I read boulder, I picture a rock taller than I am. Perhaps I've been on too many camping trips...I do not believe a pick axe will split a boulder. Dynamite, yes. Pick axe, no.

"sheen from her forehead" > Since she's wiping it off, perhaps this should read sweat.

"calluses that would never have a chance to heal" > Should this be "blisters"? Calluses don't heal. They build up until they're thick enough to prevent blisters.

"Redraven" > I read this as two words. Given the spelling of Ne'haer. I wonder if dropping the d or the r and turning it into a similar type word might be more cohesive from a world building perspective.

Chapter 2

"swung the weapon into his knees" > Even with Ahna's gut twisting here, this is ambiguous. Although it's unlikely, it could mean the overseer hit himself in the knee.

The action sequence with the redravens feels a little off to me. They're surrounded by prisoners. A riot breaks out, goes on around them. Then someone yells "Guards! Get them in their cells!" and the few unarmed holdouts draw their weapons. It seems odd to me that they didn't draw their weapons at the first sign of trouble.

"awful, terrible place" > To me, terrible is awful.

Chapter 3

"They had taken, Nesrin." > I believe "took" is stronger than "had taken". Sometimes, the story demands passive voice, but I don't believe it does here.

"two dull eyes" > To me, eyes implies two unless I'm shown an alien or magical creature born with a different number.

Dialogue

Any awkward said bookisms?

Any lines that made me sit up and take notice?

Was the dialogue enjoyable? Did it suit the characters? Did it feel natural? If no, why not?

Overall, the dialogue felt natural. I particularly enjoyed Leofric's voice. With one exception, the dialogue seemed natural to me.

"You're not dead - I had to wonder" > Had to wonder feels less natural the other portions of his dialogue.

In the first chapter, I noted a few said bookisms, including "snapped" and "insisted". There were a few "replied"s where a simple "said" would be more invisible. That said, it's a stylistic call and in the case of the first two a characterization call, particularly since this is a fairly deep third person and those said bookisms are how Ahna perceives things.

Grammar

A minor quibble here...

"The guards had me scrubbing the floor of the barracks (em dash or double dash)" > This may be a wattpad issue. Not sure.

The single dash is consistently used in place of the longer em dash. I feel some of the dashes should be commas.

"The guards in the courtyard(,) who up until..."

Conclusion

As a reader, nearly everything I listed is a minor quibble. Nothing I listed would stop me from reading on.

Thank you again for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more in the future.

My apologies for the delay.