Her

I was dumbfounded.

"H-Huh?"

Kumalas si Erikson sa pagkakayakap at hinarap ko. His eyes were determined and broken. I gulped the ache.

"Marry me..." He whispered.

"A-Ang bilis naman?" Sinubukan kong matawa pero hindi ko nakaya.

He bit his lower lip and lowered his head. I gulped as I stared at his disheveled state.

"Ayos ka lang ba?"

"I'm sorry I was too fast."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

I can't simply marry him! It's complicated! It's not like he can reveal my real gender, everybody knows Henry wouldn't let my deception slide. Pinakaayaw ni Henry ang niloloko siya. 'Tsaka anong mangyayari kapag ikakasal kami? Baka mamaya may balang tumagos sa loob ng simbahan! It's dangerous. I... can't! I'm not ready to risk all of it.

Tangina naman kasi, Ci. Bakit umabot ka sa ganito? Hindi ba ang pinag-usapan natin ay poprotektahan lang siya?! Bakit parang mauuwi yata 'to sa kasalanan?!

"Magpahinga ka na, Ci." Umatras si Erikson kaya kumunot ang noo ko.

My lips part to say a word but he turned his back on me and went out. I sighed and shook my head. Anong sasabihin ko kung mag-uusap kami? I can't tell him I'm agreeing to it! There's a lot at stake! But I... I also can't deny him!

Mas mabuti nang hindi muna kami mag-usap.

Kaya lumabas ako sa opisina at nagmartsa papunta sa kwarto ko. The moment I entered my room, I immediately slumped on the bed, lids were heavy and tired.

Today was a tiring and confusing day.

Tinanggal ko muna ang contact lens ko at dali-daling naligo bago tuluyang bumagsak sa kama. I shut my heaving lids and let myself drift off to unknown.

My body had a specific alarm clock. It woke up five in the morning. Nasanay kasi akong nagigising ng maaga noong nasa militarya pa ako kaya kahit puyat ay nabubuksan ko kaagad ang mata. I took a quick cold shower, my thoughts were running to Erikson's all of a sudden proposal.

Marry me.

I didn't notice it that much but as the memory played like a broken tape in my head, I recognized the pleading and desperation in his tone. It was as if... he was in a hurry?

Mas lalong nagkabuhol-buhol ang nasa utak ko dahil sa napagtanto. I shoo the thoughts away and decided to change in my usual bodyguard attire. When I deemed myself perfect as the "Ci bodyguard" on the mirror, I went out of my room.

Usually Erikson would insist having a breakfast with me so I told him we would eat inside his office— with of course, a specific time. Iyong hindi pa shift ni Angelo kaya palagi akong maaga nagigising.

I stopped walking when I saw Erikson's familiar office door. Am I ready to face him? What if he'll ask me to marry him? How would I react? What will I say?

Umiling ako at bumuntong-hininga. I can do this! I grabbed the door knob and twist it open but then I heard someone talk. My feet halt.

"I'm announcing our engagement."

"Shut-up."

"Wala kang magagawa, Hendrik. Ikakasal tayo sa ayaw at sa gusto mo."

"Just shut the fuck up, Ana."

"For your information, wala akong pakealam kung mag-away kayo ng bago mo. It's my right to announce my engagement with you."

Bago ko pa maproseso ang narinig ay bumakas ang pinto dahilan para mapaatras ako. Nagtama ang mata namin ni Ana. She scoffed and glared at me with pure contempt and animosity.

"Ikakasal na kami." She dropped the words like a bomb. She walked passed by me, bumping my shoulders harsh against her. I staggered backwards.

Ikakasal na kami.

Her words resonated in my drums, I failed to notice anyone's voice. Masyado akong nagulat sa narinig para mapagtanto ang lahat.

He's going to marry her?

After asking me to marry him yesterday?!

Ikakasal siya ibang babae matapos niyang alukin ako ng kasal?!

"Ci."

My head snapped at Erikson. Anger boiled down to my core as I stare at him coldly. He sighed and shook his head as if he wanted to say what I heard was just a delusion.

"Ikakasal ka na?" My tone was calmly infuriating, like the calm before the storm, the peace before damnation.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "Kailangan ko."

I scoffed. "Matapos mo akong ayain ng kasal kahapon malalaman kong ikakasal ka sa ibang babae kinabukasan? Was that a joke, Erikson?" I asked like he's fucking joking.

His eyes hardened as his jaw ticked. "My decision won't waver. Marry me, Ci."

I was taken aback. I expect him to deny me. I expect him to tell me yes, that he's fucking joking, I expect the worse.

"What?" Gusto kong sumigaw pero nanghina ako.

His eyes, they looked at me in pure desperation. He looked at me as if he's having a hard time, like he didn't want to marry Ana but me... like he's desperate to marry me.

Bumaba ang kamay niya sa bulsa niya. My eyes followed his hands when suddenly, he kneeled in front of me. Fucking kneeled. My lips part out of shock as my heart drummed contagiously against my ribs.

He retrieved a small box from his pocket. I gulped as he slowly opened it in front of me. My eyes widened when the diamond ring gleamed inside the box.

"A-Ano 'yan?"

Of course I know what the fuck that is but I'm too dumb to process what just happened.

"Please marry me, Ci."

He didn't even ask me.

He straight out pleaded.

I want to tell him that this is too fast. That he's deciding marriage illogically. That he didn't give himself enough time to process his own offer.

But deep down I knew I waited enough.

Deep down I knew this is what the young Ella wanted back then.

Deep down... I liked the thought of spending my lifetime with him.

If I... marry him. He won't be able to marry Ana, right?

I stared at his pleading gray orbs. He remained kneeling in front of me, a ring on his hand. His eyes, they were dark and hopeless. They looked like in a pit of looming darkness like if I didn't accept his offer, he'll fall into that pit. He'll let that darkness reign over him, he'll let the black take over his world.

He looked at me like he can't afford to lose his world.

His hope.

His light.

So I bit down my trembling lips as I slowly, barely nodded.

My actions were fast and slow, almost unnoticeable but the moment that small node was made, his eyes were immediately pulled away from that pit. His eyes glint in what seemed like hope. It shone like the brightest star amidst darkness. His whole face lit up as he stood and attacked me with his hug. I staggered backward as his warmth took over my body's heat.

"Thank you." He whispered as if I'll regret this in the future.

I won't.

I sighed as I lifted my hand, hugging him back. His hug on me tightened as he breathe heavily, his chest were heaving, his beat were clashing against my normal beat. His were fast and unsynchronized, mine was peaceful and happy.

"Now what?" I asked.

He let go of me and I fought the  longingness of my heart. Hinawakan niya ang makabilang braso ko at tinitigan ako ng mabuti. Tears glistened on both ends of his eyes, my eyes widened.

"Umiyak ka ba?" Gulat kong tanong.

He chuckled, his voice was hoarse and deep. "I was just happy." He held the sides of my cheeks and kissed my forehead.

I closed my eyes as I sigh in contentment. His lips lingered on my forehead for a few seconds before he stepped back. I opened my eyes slowly and met his gray orbs, he looked at me with pure joy and hope almost as if making me believe the desperation and hopelessness I saw earlier was just a delusion.

"Do you want to stop hiding?" He asked slowly.

Still hypnotized from his eyes, I slowly nodded.

"I want you to resign, Ci."

Doon ako nasampal. "Ano?!" Tumaas ang boses ko.

His hands rested on the sides of my neck as he stared at me seriously. I think I'll melt from the intensity of it. Still, I remained there.

"Meron akong bahay... doon ka titira. I'll visit you often. When you're there... you can stop pretending." Bumaba ang kamay niya sa kamay ko at hinawakan ito ng mahigpit, bumaba ang mata ko sa kamay naming magkahawak.

"Paano kita mapoprotektahan?" That's my main concern right now.

He chuckled. "I can protect myself just fine, Cinderella." He teased. I glared at him.

He smiled at me and kissed the back of both of my hands. I gulped. Am I ready to leave this place though?

"May aasikasuhin lang ako rito. Kapag nasolba ko na ang problema, uuwian kita."

"Malayo ba?"

"Hindi dito sa Casa Cantatio. But Jericho will accompany you." His hold on me tightened.

Did he plan this?

"Bakit siya?" It was out of curiosity. Bakit hindi si Angelo? O si Mavrik? Bakit si Jericho? 

"He knew you're a girl. I can't risk it with Angelo or Mavrik."

"You don't trust them?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at umiling. "I do. Just... it's better if few people knew your real gender."

"So I'll hand you my resignation letter? Kailan? Bukas?"

"Ngayon."

Nagulat ako roon. Ang bilis naman yata?

"Ngayon?" Gulat kong tanong. "Bakit ang bilis?"

"Para mapakasalan na kita kaagad."

I sighed and slowly nodded my head. He cupped my cheeks again and gave me a soft and slow kiss. It wasn't sensual like the last time, it wasn't deep nor harsh. It was enough to engrave every bits of him.

He peeled his lips off mine and stepped back. I opened my eyes and he smiled at me.

"Hand me your resignation letter and tell everybody about it."

Kahit na hindi ko alam kung ano nga ang plano niya ay tumango ako at lumabas ng opisina para makapagsulat ng resignation letter. It was fast and incoherent. But my reason might be logical, I guess. That I wanted to start a new life with safe environment. I grabbed a duffle bag and stuffed few essentials. Kaunti lang ang damit ko dahil palagi naman akong naka-uniform kaya mabilis lang akong nakaimpake.

I changed into a normal black shirt and jeans with rubber shoes on. Humahaba na rin ang buhok ko hanggang sa sakupin na nito ang batok ko pero ngayon... hindi ko na kailangang putulin. I can let them grow as long as I want. I smiled at my reflection, happy at the thought I'll be back to being me. To being a woman. That I don't need to wear my chest bandages anymore.

Nang lumabas ako sa kuwarto para ibigay ang papel ay nagulat ako nang makita si Angelo sa labas ng kwarto ko. He was leaning against the wall with hands inside his pockets. He looked at me coldly as his eyes roam down my clothes.

"Boss said you're resigning?" He quietly asked.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "Oo."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Bakit? Dahil ba ikakasal na siya sa ibang babae?"

Hindi iyon ang rason pero hindi ako umiling. I think I would do the same if Erikson didn't propose to me. I don't think I'll be able to stomach him getting married to another woman while I stand in the shadow, watching myself fall apart as he create his own family.

I shoo that thoughts away. That won't happen. I won't let that happen.

"Akala ko hindi mo ako gusto para sa kaniya." I said in a matter-of-fact. He seemed disappointed with my decision.

He pursed his lips as he looked at me coldly. Hindi siya nagsalita kaya bumuntong-hininga ako at nilagpasan siya para makapunta na sa opisina ni Erikson—

"At least you're real."

Natigilan ako roon, nalilito. Nilingon ko siya ngunit tinalikuran niya na ako at naglakad papaalis. I stared at his back for so long until his shadows disappeared in the hallway. Umiling ako at naglakad na papunta sa opisina ni Erikson.

Mag-isa lang siya sa opisina niya at mukhang malalim ang iniisip. I slowly approached him until he noticed me. He straightened his back when I landed the resignation letter on his desk.

Iniangat niya ang kamay niya, akala ko papel ang kukunin niya  ngunit nagulat nalang ako nang kamay ko ang inagaw niya para mahila papalapit sa kaniya. My butt landed on his lap. I sighed when he wrapped his hands around my midsection and pulled me close to his body.

"My office would be so lonely." He sighed.

"Ikaw ang may gusto nito." Iling ko.

"Uh-huh." He kissed the crook of my neck before he let go of me completely.

Kaagad akong tumayo at hinarap siya. His hair was disheveled and he looked so damn tired. I touched his black strands and arranged them in organized manner, he chuckled and captured my hand, kissing my knuckles.

"Go. Nag-aantay na si Jericho sa labas." He said softly.

Tumango ako nang pinakawalan niya ang kamay ko. I stared at him for a long minutes, he stared back at me with a smile. Sighing, I head out of his office but instead of expecting Jericho, I was greeted by a glaring Mavrik.

No jokes. Glaring Mavrik.

Tuluyan akong lumabas sa opisina at dahan-dahang sinarado ang pintuan sa likod ko.

"Magre-resign ka raw?" Kalmadong tanong niya.

Tumango ako at bumuntong-hininga. "Gusto ko munang magpahinga." That might be a dumb excuse.

"Wala ka namang ginagawa, ah? Napapagod ka ba kasi palagi kang nasa loob ng opisina ni boss? Kakausapin ko si boss, sasabihan kong 'wag ka masyadong pagurin."

Mabilis ang pagkakasabi niya noon na parang nagmamadali siya. Hindi ko mapigilang matawa nang matapos siya. He stopped and stared at me for a few seconds before he shook his head and glared at me.

"Huwag kang umalis." Aniya.

"Inuutusan mo ba ako?" Taas ko ng kilay.

He huffed and stepped a few inches closer to me. He grabbed my hand and lifted his hand to give me something. My eyes went down on the warm metal against my palms.

"Ano 'to?"

"Stay. And I'll give you my baby." He was fucking serious.

I stared at his motor's key for a minute, dumbfounded.

"You mean... akin na iyong motor mo?" Gulat kong tanong dahil alam kong mahalang-mahalaga sa kaniya ang motor na iyon.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin pero tumango pa rin. Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko at ipinasok sa loob ng bulsa ang dalawang kamay.

"Ano? Kukunin na ba natin 'yong resignation letter mo?" Aniya at umambang papasok sa opisina pero hinawakan ko ang braso niya para pigilan.

"I won't change my mind, Mavrik."

His eyes widened at that. Kaagad siyang umiling at lumunok.

"Give me your shift! Ako na ang magshi-shift tuwing gabi. Tutal at wala naman akong ginagawa 'di ba?"

Napangiti ako ngunit dahan-dahan akong umiling. His shoulder's dropped at that.

"Hindi talaga magbabago ang isip mo?" Nanghihina niyang saad.

"Hindi..."

He harshly pulled his arm from my hold and glared at me coldly. Biglaang nawala ang pagmamakaawa sa mata niya.

"Saan?" Malamig ang boses niya.

"Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin."

He scoffed and shook his head in disappointment. I tried to talk but he turned his back on me and walked out of the hallway.

I should call him and apologize but he might convince me to stay. And I'm afraid if he convince me again, I'll agree. Which shouldn't be. I've hid enough. As much as it pains me to leave... I also need to sacrifice this in order for me to be free again. In order for me... to find myself again. To find my way back to Ella.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at tinalikuran kung saan umalis si Mavrik. My eyes surprisingly met Angelo's eyes, his eyes were neutral and out of emotion as he stand in my way.

"You won't change your mind?" Hindi ko inaasahan iyon galing sa kaniya.

I shook my head, refusing to talk. I don't think I'll be able to even talk properly.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at tumango. He stepped to the side to give me way. Humakbang ako at nilagpasan na siya ngunit natigilan nang magsalita siyang muli.

"Ci." That was the first time I heard him call me by my first name.

I stopped walking but I didn't turn to him. My back remained on him as I froze in my place.

"Thank you for your service."

Hindi ako nagsalita. Wala akong masabi. I remained on my place until I heard his steps walking away from me.

I guess this is it? This is where I'll walk and say goodbye to Ci Garcia.

Becuse I'll be Cindy Dela Vega now. I'll be a her. Completely. Without hiding who I am.

______________________

A/n: Appreciation note to Ziah!! Iyak malala huhu ╥﹏╥

Ang ganda!!!!!! From Berryshy na artwork po 'toh

Alsooo, kapag need niyo ng chibis, punta kayo kay Ziah Wp kasi ang cute ng mga artworks niya!! Tapos may grade 11 notes din siya for incoming shs students!!

( ˘ ³˘)❤