Her

"What..."

"When you died... He had a short-term episode. And that episode of hallucination is what he believed for years."

"Anong pinagsasabi mo?! He's fine! Hindi sira ang utak niya!"

"He was not fine, Ci! When you died, it ruined him mentally and emotionally!"

"I didn't die!" I shouted in frustration.

"Iyan ang rason, Ci! Dahil hindi ka namatay kaya nagkagano'n siya!"

"Anong pinagsasabi mo?!" Tumaas ang boses ko.

"When you died... he didn't see your body."

"That's because I'm alive!"

"And it ruined him! Everyday, he kept expecting your presence! And every single day you disappoints him, Henry lash at him! Every single time he kept convincing himself you're alive, he receieve a beating! He knew... he knew deep down you were alive." Nanghina siya kaya nanlaki ang mata ko.

"Kasi buhay ako..." My tears fell, he looked at me as if I was the one who ruined him.

"His brain couldn't take that anymore. He couldn't take the physical torture, the emotional grieve, everything was too much for a young boy. That he..."

"What..."

"He tried to cope with it."

"By what?!" I said harshly.

He looked at me straight in the eye as if I was a ghost in his past. "By burying your body."

"Hindi—"

"That's what he belived. That's what his brain wanted him to believe— in that hallucination."

"Anong nangyari pagkatapos?" Nanghihina kong tanong.

For a beat, he didn't talk. I thought he wouldn't until he did.

"He smiled at me." Aniya habang nakatingin sa kawalan kaya nanlaki ang mata ko. "Sabi niya... hindi mo na raw siya guguluhin. Your soul would be at peace."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. My body was shaking from the information. My lips were trembling, my knuckled were white. Everything was a blur.

And then I remember what Angelo said.

At least you're real.

Back then, in Erikson's mind, I was real. But in reality, I was a delusion.

And it all made sense now.

Kaya ba namutla sila nang sabihin ni Mavrik na akala niya hindi totoong may girlfriend si Erikson? Kasi akala nila... gumagawa nanaman ng delusyon ang utak niya?

Did my memory broke him that much?

"Ci?"

Did Ella... traumatized him that he cannot even mention her name out loud?

"Ci? Ayos ka lang?"

Did I ruin him?

"Ci!"

I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ruin you, Erikson.

I'm sorry for appearing in your life.

For coming back and ruining your peace.

For breaking that peace.

My eyes fluttered open and a familiar white ceiling stared back at me.

"Pa! Pa! Gising na si ta!"

Nanatili ang mata ko sa kisame sa kabila ng mga taong dinumog ang hinihigaan ko. I remained motionless and quiet.

"Ayos ka lang, Ci?" Si Rony.

"Ci! Bakit ka nahimatay?" Si Mavrik.

"Mahina ang katawan niya. Huwag niyo munang guluhin." Si Angelo.

Kaagad na hinanap ko ng Jericho. Jericho was the one who knew me before I was known as Ci Garcia and I need to confront him. To discover the past.

Kaagad akong bumango kaya lahat sila ay napaatras. Inilibot ko ang mata ko at nakitang nasa likod nila si Jericho, nakaupo sa isang upuan at halatang malalim ang iniisip.

"Jericho."

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. No wonder he looked at me as if I was a ghost. Erikson believed I was a ghost and Jericho... might have believed it even though he knew Erikson really didn't bury me back then.

"Lumabas muna tayo." Si Angelo na inayawan ni Mavrim pero nakatanggap ng sapak mula kay Angelo kaya kaagad itong sumunod, nagrereklamo.

Rony looked at me with worry and Ana looked at me as if she's gping to cry any minute. I gave her an assuring smile, she nodded and sniffed. Nang marinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto at kaming dalawa nalang ni Jericho ang naiwan ay kaagad akong tumayo at nilapitan siya.

"Nasaan siya?"

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. Akala ko hindi niya ako sasagutin. Akala ko magagalit siya sa akin at hindi ako kakausapin dahil niloko ko silang lahat pero hindi iyon ang inasahan ko.

"Sundan mo ako." Iyon ang sinabi niya bago siya naunang naglakad paalis. I heaved a breath and followed him.

Tahimik akong sumakay sa itim na kotse ni Jericho. Tahimik siya habang nagmamaneho. Habang nakamasid sa labas ay napagtanto kong papasok kami sa Casa Cantatio.

The road seemed familiar. The trees and the mountains. We're going back to Erikson's mansion! Bakit nandito si Erikson? Huwag mo sabihing nandito siya para kay Ana?!

Tumigil kami sa bakuran ng mansyon ni Erikson. He went out so I went out as well. Akala ko maglalakad siya papasok sa bahay pero sa gubat pala siya papunta. My body stiffen as I follow him nervously.

The moon is now present. Tuluyan nang lumubog ang araw at naghari na ang kadiliman. I heard a howl echoing from afar, crows were doing a croaking call and the forest gave out an eerie ambiance. As my feet crunched against the dried leaves, I could feel the dread slowly consuming me whole.

My feet hall when I make out a familiar shadow from afar. I covered my gasp with my hands as my tears barged again.

Jericho halt as well and looked at me with sorrow and plead. It was as if... he wants me to stay away from Erikson.

And from what I'm witnessing right now, I know that's the right thing to do.

Erikson... he was... digging my grave. The grave he told me where he buried me. His hands were veiny from the force as he held the shovel tight. He was panting, sweats were trickling down his forehead as he dig the land deeper.

"P-Pigilan natin siya..." Nanghihina kong saad.

"Hayaan mo siyang malaman."

Umiling ako, tears were streaming down my face as I look at the man I loved ever since I met him. I never thought he would end up this way. I never thought my death would ruin him like a madman.

"Jeri—"

Inilingan niya ako. "Hayaan mong makita niya."

"Pero wala siyang mahahanap!"

"Meron siyang niligay. His mind disguised that thing as your body."

My body trembled as I hear those words. "A-Ano?"

"A stone."

"What?"

"A stone with your name on it."

"B-Bakit?" Nalilito kong tanong.

Natulala siya sa kawalan. "He told me once... you met with a stone."

"A stone?"

Ibinalik ko ang tingin kay Erikson. He was still digging my grave as he pant. It looked like he was not really here, his mind was in somewhere else as he dig deeper and deeper as if he's chanting something in his mind. That he really buried my body. That I really died.

And then it hit me. A stone. I hit him with the stone when he was trying to aim his riffle at my birds. Our eyes met after I hit him with a stone.

That's when it all started.

The wind attacked me like a hurricane. A sobbed was wrenched out of me as I remember our past. I didn't know how a simple stone could change everything.

If I didn't hit me with the stone, if he didn't turn in my direction, if he... he didn't look my way. Would everything be different?

Everything was a blur after that. I guess I was too exhausted that I passed out in the middle of my breakdown.

"Ayos lang ba siya? Dalawang beses na siyang nahimatay?" I heard Rony's faint voice in the midst of darkness.

"It must be because of too much emotional stress. Magiging maayos din siya."

Unti-unti kong dinilat ang mata ko. I met an unfamiliar woman's eyes, probably in her late twenties or early thirties. She was wearing a lab gown and a stethoscope, a doctor I presume. Why do I need a doctor? I passed out again?

"You're awake, Ms. Garcia. I advise you to take a rest and please stay away from stress."

Wala sa sarili akong napatango. The doctor then turned to Rony. Rony nodded and smiled at her.

"Thank you, Jillian."

Tumango si Jillian at nagpaalam na sa akin. Sinundan ng mata ko kung saan ito lumabas pagkatapos ay binalingan si Rony nag nag-aalalang nakatingin sa akin.

"Ayos ka lang ba, Ci?"

Tumango ako. Napapadalas na yata ang pagkahimatay ko, ah? Ganoon ba ako ka-stress?

"Magpahinga ka muna. Bawal ka ma-stress."

Kaya iyon nga ang ginawa ko. A week had past and they all insisted for me to rest. May lakad palagi si Rony at mukhang abala siya sa ibang bagay kaya napapadalas ang pagbisita ng tatlo. Angelo would mostly just open the door, check for me and go out. Jericho would sit on the chair and busy himself with other things. While Mavrik and Princess are the ones who talk to me most of the time. Madali naman akong napatawad ni Mavrik kahit na alam niyang niloko ko sila. Aniya, naiintindihan niya kung ano man daw ang rason ko.

"Princess, nasaan ang Papa mo?" Taka kong tanong nang hindi pa siya umaalis sa kwarto ko dahil takot siyang mag-isa sa kwarto niya.

"Hindi pa umuuwi, ta." Aniya at humiga na sa tabi ko.

"Saan ba pumupunta ang Papa mo? Sabi ni Mavrik nagleave daw iyong Papa mo sa club kaya hindi naman siguro siya nasa club?"

Princess shrugged as if it didn't bother her but something is bothering me. This past few days, Rony kept on avoiding me every chance he gets. Hindi rin niya magawang tumingin sa mga mata ko kaya mas lalong lumalaki ang pagdududa ko.

Kaya noong may narinig akong yapak galing sa labas ay kaagad kong pinatay ang ilaw sa lampara at nagkunwaring natutulog. A slow creaking sound echoed as footsteps vibrate on the floor. I heard a rustle and the bed became lighter. Rony must've carried Princess. Princess murmured intangible words and I heard footsteps again. The door slowly locked and I opened my eyes.

The dim room greeted me. Kaagad akong bumangon at naglakad patungo sa pintuan. I opened it slowly and went out. Nakita ko si Rony na kakalabas lang sa kwarto ni Princess. He was holding a phone on his ears as he talk to someone. His back was on me so he didn't notice my presence.

"Maayos na ang lagay niya." Narinig kong saad niya habang naglalakad siya patungo sa balcony.

He entered the blacony and I tiptoed near him. I hid behind the wall that separates us but is enough as a camouflage. Naririnig ko ang boses niya kaya maayos na ito.

"Hindi na siya nahimatay pa. Kumakain din siya ng tama sa oras kaya malusog ang katawan niya." Si Rony sa kabilang linya.

Kumalabog ang puso ko nang may maisip kung sino ba ang kausap niya sa kabilang linya. I have a hunch who that person is but I don't want to assume things.

"Madalas niyang kinakausap si Mavrik at Princess."

Sinandal ko ang likod sa dinding at ipinikit ang mga mata. Hindi pa ako handang kausapin siya at alam kong hindi niya rin kayang kausapin ako.

"May pagkakataong... nahuhuli ko siyang natutulala sa kawalan..." He breathe deeply.

I bit my lower lip and made a soundless sigh. Rony paused, he was probably listening to the other end of line. Which I assume is Erikson.

"Bukas na talaga ang kasal mo?"

Napadilat ako sa narinig. My heart beat went on alert as my eyes widened in shock.

"Hindi mo sasabihin sa girlfriend mo?"

Hindi ko na nakontral ang ginawa ko. I stride where Rony was standing and his eyes widened when he saw me. He stiffened and I was panting in rage. Malakas ang kalabog ng puso ko at hindi ko makontrol ang paghinga. Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang iniangat ko ito sa harapan niya.

Alam kong napansin ni Rony ang kalagayan ko. He knew what he said triggered something in me. He immediately gave me his phone without question.

"Huwag mong sasabihin sa kaniya." Just like what I expected, it was Erikson's voice on the other.

I was happy he was checking on me earlier but when I heard about he wedding, I hopelessly wished it wasn't him.

"Ikakasal ka na?" My voice was calm despite my trembling muscles.

Natahimik siya sa kabilang linya. My eyes blurred and I saw Rony panicking. I parted my mouth for enough oxygen, I feel like I'm hyperventilating.

"E-Erikson! Ikakasal ka na?!" Napasigaw na ako sa frustration.

"Yes..."

That's all I need. I end the call and hit Rony with the phone. I broke down into sobs as my feet gave up on the floor. Rony tried to console me but I couldn't stop. I'm being too sensitive and too emotional yet I don't know how to stop the onslaught of overwhelming emotions. 

I passed out again. Or maybe I dissociated. I don't know how I ended up in the bed when I woke up but the first thing I did when I woke up was to break down. Again.

Kaagad na pumasok si Jericho nang marinig ang hagulhol ko. Wala si Rony o si Princess kaya mas lalo akong humagulhol.

Did he... did he make Princess as their flower girl?! Sa kasal nila ng babae niya?!

"Ci! Kumal—"

"Dalhin mo ako kung nasaan siya!"

"Ci—"

"Dalhin mo ako, Jericho!"

He did. Jericho knew I will make a fits of hysterics if he didn't take to where Erikson is. Pakiramdam ko sa nagdaang araw na ito, hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Nagugulat nalang ako dahil biglaan na akong nagwawala, umiiyak, o natutulala sa kawalan.

Natigil ako nang huminto kami sa harap ng isang simbahan. There were a lot of guest! It was as if he was ready to announce his marriage to everyone!

My anger boiled. Kaagad akong lumabas at naglakad papunta kung nasaan ang simbahan. I heard Jericho's call from afar but I was too occupied with my anger, I didn't mind his call.

And then I saw him. He was fucking wearing the same white tux he wore in our supposed to be wedding! Nakatalikod siya sa akin at iniayos ang suot niya. He was in an alley between a church and a certain establishment. Wala masyadong tao kaya malaya ko siyang nalapitan.

I harshly pulled his hand and made him face me. He seemed taken aback when our eyes met. Tears started to form in my eyes as I remember that night where he tried to dig for my grave. Where he desperately tried to see for himself. It's been a week...

"Huwag mo siyang p-pakasalan." It was meant to be a shout, I was meant to be mad at him but I... can't. Nanghina ako nang makita siya, I fucking missed him.

His eyes widened as his lips parted. I don't know what's with his reaction because my vision went on complete blur from my tears.

"Papakasalan ko siya." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin.

"G-Girlfriend mo ako, Erikson!"

"Wala akong girlfriend na manloloko." He said coldly at me. His eyes turning icy by the second. 

Hindi ako nakapagsalita roon. Alam kong niloko ko siya pero hindi niya alam ang rason ko!

"Dahil gusto kitang protektahan!"

"I don't need your protection."

"Tangina naman, Erikson. Nalaman mo lang ang totoo, magpapakasal ka na sa ibang babae?! Gano'n gano'n nalang ba 'yon?!"

"Niloko mo ako, Ci— I forgot. It was Ella." He chuckled humorlessly at me.

"Tangina mo! Sinakripisyo ko lahat para sa 'yo! Pangalan ko! Identidad ko, tangina pati kasarian at kalayaan ko sinakripisyo ko para sa 'yo! Lahat ng 'yon para saan?! Para makitang ikasal ka sa ibang babae?!" Tinulak ko siya kahit na pakiramdam ko nanghihina na ako.

"Hindi ko kasalanan 'yon!"

"Oo, hindi mo kasalanan dahil tatanga-tanga ako! Pero tangina naman! Ganoon ba kababaw ang pagmamahal mo sa akin? Gano'n nalang 'yon?! Magpapakasal ka na sa ibang babae dahil lang doon?!"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin kaya tuluyang bumigay ang luha ko. I tried to approach him but he stepped back. My lips trembled and I bowed my head.

"Huwag mo siyang pakasalan..." I whispered desperately.

"Hin—"

"Please... para sa anak natin?" I held my stomach as my tears fell to the ground.

***

natakot ako guys kaya nakapag-update ulit 😔