Him

He's a she.

It felt like I was smack on the head— no, that would be an understatement. I felt like my brittle brain was hammered and condemnned into pieces.

He's a she! A fucking she!

I never curse but today, especially after I discovered he— no she was a girl, it made my oath not to curse vanish in thin air. Gusto kong magmura sa lahat! Paanong nangyari iyon? Babae siya? Nagkagusto ako sa babae?!

Pero nagustuhan ko siya noong akala kong lalake siya!

What does it make me then?

It took me so long to finally accept my feelings for him— I mean her, tapos ganito lang pala ang mangyayari?! I had an identity crisis and he didn't even bother telling me that fact?!

Nahirapan akong tanggapin siya! Nahirapan akong tanggapin ang sarili ko! Tapos malalaman ko nalang na niloloko niya lang pala ako? He— She must've enjoyed fooling me! She must've find my feelings for her foolish and funny!

Pero hindi niya naman kasalanang nagustuhan mo siya.

The good side of my brain whispered. I snapped at it and talked to the devil side.

Dapat noong nalaman niyang gusto mo siya, inamin niya sana para hindi ka nahirapan!

I nodded at the devil side of my brain, aggreeing to his argument.

How would she confess if you'll react like this?

The good brain interrupted. I cursed at myself and focused on my satan.

She should've confess so you wouldn't react this way!

Tama. Tama. 

"Boss? Sinasapian ka ba?"

I jolt and faced Mavrik who looked spooked. Mukha siguro akong tanga na kinakausap ang sarili ko. I'm going crazy! It's all because of Ci! Is Ci even his real name though?

"Leave me, Mavrik." Masungit kong sabi sa kaniya sabay bigay sa kaniya ng sama ng tingin.

"Gusto ko lang kamustahin kung maayos na ba si—"

"Ba't mo natanong? Ba't mo gustong malaman? Boyfriend ka ba niya para mag-alala ka ng ganyan? As far as I know, you can't do that. It's against the rules." I said too aggressively before I could even stop myself.

"Rules? Wala naman—"

"Mayro'n na ngayon. You can't date each other. Kapag nalaman kong may namamagitan sa inyo, I'll fire you both. It's unprofessional."

Natawa si Mavrik. "Lalake kaming lahat, boss! Paano kami mai-inlove sa isa't isa?" 

I glared at him. "We never know." 

"Wala namang babae sa atin. Unless..." His eyes widened and my heart beat anxiously.

"Unless?!"

"Unless may bading sa atin!" He gasped.

Natamaan ako. Ci was the first and only man I liked and I knew I had to accept it. When I believed he was a boy, I knew I was not straight.

Kaya hanggang ngayon hindi ako makapaniwalang babae siya! 

And seeing her wearing something feminine? Finally noticing those feminine features that proved her feminity? Not that I haven't notice it, but then discovering all of those was because she was a girl all along! It made me feel so dumb and furious. How come I didn't even suspect it?

What I knew was that I liked her. Nothing more. I want to kiss her but I didn't go more deeply into what could happen after that kiss. I never think of her sexually, I never even imagine having a sex with a boy but I knew I like Ci. I really like Ci that I had to overlook everything.

The bad news is, that was all a past tense. 

The sex part. Fuck it. I can't even control my hardness! All I think was the curiousity of what I could see if I remove those chest bandages. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Why... why does she have to look so beautiful and handsome at the same time?! 

Hindi ko dapat nararamdaman ito. I mean she's wearing a normal daster! Iyong daster na sinusuot ni Manang! Kaya bakit noong sinuot niya iyon, wala akong ibang naisip kundi ang alisin iyon at tingnan kung anong nasa loob.

Tangina naman. Hindi ako ganito!

But what do I expect? Ci is slowly but surely changing me.

And I want her. Fuck it. I want her so bad it's painful.

Kaya hangga't maari, kailangan ko siyang iwasan!

"Erikson."

Fuck it.

Dahan-dahan ko siyang nilingon, nakakunot ang noo. Pinilit ko ang matang manatili sa mukha niya at hindi sa katawan niya. It would be much more painful if I let my eyes down.

"Bakit?"

"My bandage is soaked."

Fuck it. "Tatawag ako ng babae."

Her eyes widened as she shook her head. "Paano kung magsum—"

"She won't know."

She sighed. "Huwag na." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

Fuck it. This woman is killing me.

"Bakit mo kasi binasa?" My vouce was calm but the irritation in my tone was palpable.

"Hindi ko namalayan..." She whispered.

Why does she seemed so vulnerable and womanly?

Tinitigan ko siya ng ilang minuto. She was fidgeting, her eyes were looking down. Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin at halatang gusto akong kausapin. My eyes accidentally— maybe intentionally I don't give a fuck— roamed around her daster and her body felt like a sin. Despite her harsh job, she still has this glow on her skin and I feel so dumb. Paanong hindi ko napansin iyon?

Tangina, alam kong maganda na siya, eh. Akala ko normal lang na maganda siya kahit na lalake siya. I was even afraid she might get offended at my thought.

Tapos babae pala siya?!

And I feel so furious. Why am I lusting over her?!

It's because of her body, god damn it!

Nangako ako sa sarili kong hindi ako magmumura pero lahat ng 'yon naging bula dahil sa babaeng 'to.

"Fine. Strip."

Nagulat siya sa sinabi ko at hindi ko rin inaasahang nasabi ko iyon! I heaved a breath and controlled my libido. God damn it. He needs some manhandling later tonight.

"Maghuhubad ako?" Gulat niyang tanong.

"You're wearing a daster, how am I supposed to treat your wound?" Masungit kong tanong.

She cleared her throat and pointed her arms first. I pursed my lips and went to her. Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama af pinagmasdan akong papalapit sa kaniya, I didn't look at her though, my eyes were focused on the bandage.

Calm down, Hendrik. We can do this.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya at kinuha ang panibagong bendahe sa nightstand. She was quiet. I just released a sigh. Basa nga ang bendahe kaya kinakailangan ko munang linisin ang sugat na natahi na ng babaeng doktor.

Noong natapos na akong palitan ang nasa balikat niya ay pinigilan ko na ang lumunok. I need to act like I'm cool with it, that I'm unfazed even when my insides are rumbling like a wild animal ready to pounce on its prey.

"Wala kang shorts?" Naiilang niyang tanong.

"Just do it yourself." Sinubukan kong tumayo pero hinawakan niya ang kamay ko para mapigilan. I internally cursed in all different language— different language means Filipino and English. I cursed in both and will probably curse a lot more than I can control.

"Wait. Just stay! Bakit parang atat na atat kang iwan ako?!" Rinig ko na ang irita sa boses niya.

I'm fucking hard! Is that what you want to hear?!

Instead of saying those, I sealed my lips and controlled my pent-up frustration. God damn it.

She was glaring at me when she lifted the hem of her daster up until above her stomach. I internally gulped and tried my best to focus not down fucking there, but on the side of her focus.

Focus on the goal, Hendrik. Fucking focus on the goal—

My eyes accidentally brushed down there and I internally cursed. I glared at her bandage and calmed myself down. She's wearing an underwear okay. Fuck it. Why did that girl had to buy her a lingerie?!  Akala niya ba girlfriend ko ang pagbibilhan ko?!

It was Mavrik's girl friend who brought the underwear. Inutusan ko si Mavrik na utusan ang babae niyang kaibigan na bumili ng underwear and I didn't expect that girl had to bug Ci some provocative underwear!

Now I wonder what she brought for her brea—

"Erikson!"

Fuck this. Kaagad kong tinanggal ang bedaheng nakapulupot sa gilid ng tiyan niya at nilinisan ang tahi niya. My movements were fast but I make sure to be gentle so I wouldn't hurt her. I didn't know the hell did I survive the torture but I'm thankful it's finally done.

"Bakit mo ako iniiwasan?" Tanong niya matapos maibaba ang daster. Thank fucking god.

But the image still remained on my head, I bet it'll hunt me in my nightmares— probably in my dream.

"I'm asking you! Bakit mo ako iniiwasan?"

'Would you rather I fuck you?'

That was supposed to be in my thoughts but then I realize something from the way her eyes widened and her lips part.

I said it out loud.

"H-Huh?"

"Forget it. Just rest." Pagsusungit ko sabay tayo.

"Hindi ka matutulog?"

Do you think I'll be able to sleep with a hard-on?

I shook my head and sighed in disappointment. How can I have this thoughts?!

"Wala ka namang gagawin sa opisina, ah? Dito ka nalang para mabantayan kita."

Hayan nanaman ang puso ko! Kumakabog-kabog!

"I'm fine."

"Pero—"

"I said I'm fine." I insisted firmly, it came out harshly though.

Her eyes widened again as it dropped in disappointment. She fidget on her seat and slowly nodded. Not talking. God damn it.

"Okay." I sighed in defeat.

Pakiramdam ko hindi ako mapapakali kapag iniwan ko siyang ganyan ang hitsura. I just can't leave her like that.

Her eyes glint like a kid given a candy. I bit my lower lip and stared at her, dumbfounded. Even with male haircut, I can see her beauty and how it shone brightly amongst other woman I met— except for Ell— Forget it.

Umusog siya ng kaunti sa kama kaya kumunot ang noo ko at umiling. If she thought I'm going to lie beside her then she's mistaken. She shouldn't trust me now that I knew she's a woman.

"Hindi ako matutulog."

"Then just lie beside me." She offered.

"Why would I?" I hissed.

"Iniiwasan—"

"Hindi nga." Iritado kong sabi.

"Then lie beside me if that's the case!" She insisted.

This woman. Napailing ako at bumuntong-hininga. Here we go again with her eyes and those disappointment. Kaya nga ako pumayag na manatili rito dahil ayaw kong makita 'yang ganyang mata niya 'di ba?

"Fine." I grunted.

Pwede bang talian ang kamay ko? Natatakot ako na baka mamaya gumalaw ang demonyo kong kamay at mahawakan siya.

Kontrol, kontrol, kontrol.

I stood there, contemplating if I should really sleep beside her but then she harshly pulled me down the bed. I was big but then the shock played a crucial role that I ended up lying on the bed beside her.

"Sabi mo... gusto mo ako. Dapat iniiwasan mong nagagalit ako." Aniya, ginaya ang tono na ginamit ko dati!

"Galit ka?" Gulat kong tanong.

"Malapit na." She doesn't sound mad, in fact, she sound happy.

And it felt weird—sounding happy in Ci's case. She rarely smile, often times serious, but now she looked different from the man— woman I met before. She seemed contented, happy even, like a free-spirited person. Dati parang lagi siyang pinagsuklaban ng langi't lupa pero ngayon pakiramdam mo nasa langit siya sa sobrang payapa ng mukha niya.

And I might as well be staring at her face for too long but I can't help it.

She's so beautiful.

So mesmerizing.

She was like a display on the shelf I wouldn't mind staring at all day. A display I cherish and refuse to use because she's too precious for my filthy hand. A hand that killed a lot of people. A hand that didn't hesitate to pull the trigger for someone's death, like an emotionless grim reaper.

I never thought of this ever since that day six years ago. But then I realize, how did I become like this? It makes me think... does she find me a monster everytime I never hesitate to pull the trigger?

I guess I am. I am a monster.

How did she like a monster like me?

She's now sleeping peacefully beside me. An unknown smile was on her lips as if a burden has been lifted off her shoulder and I wanted her to be like this forever. Away from burden. Does she finally feel a little free now that she's not pretending to be a man?

I don't know what's the reason behind her pretending and I don't want to know. As much as possible, I want to be hidden behind the shadows, to remain as dumb as possible, to be that person who bask under the lies rather than the person who lets the truth stab them with a knife.

I would rather remain clueless than to get hurt.

Ayaw kong malaman kung bakit niya kami niloko. Ayaw kong malaman kung anong rason niya para magpanggap ng ganito. Ayaw kong malaman kung ginagamit niya lang ba ako. Ayaw kong may malaman ni isa sa lahat ng posibilidad.

I'm a coward? I am. Mahina ako at wala akong silbi.

Knowledge and truths scared me the most to the point that I never want to learn things.

It's useless anyway. My mother— stepmom, hates it when I learn new things. Beat me up, cage me in the basement so I would forget everything I learn, or even everything I heard and know.

She wanted me to remain in the dark and I wanted to be in that dark. Darkness means I'm hidden from her claws, darkness means no one is paying attention to my flaws.

Darkness comforts me.

But it also gives me nightmare.

Like that scene six years ago.

I wanted to forget it. To forget my sob, to forget my please, to forget the ring in my ear when he pulled the trigger straight into her heart. To forget that feeling of hopelessness.

Maybe that's the reason why I never hesitate to pull the trigger.

A part of me died along with her that day. A part of my morals and beliefs that the world can still be fair despite of monsters lurking around the shadows.

So I chose to be a monster like them. After all, he pulled the trigger without hesitation so why would I hesitate pulling the trigger? I guess it's my dumb way form of revenge. To never hesitate to pull the trigger just like he never hesitate to kill her.

I should be hating her. I should.

After all, Albert was the one brought her here, the same man who killed my first love six years ago.