Dedicated to: AzamiSattou
welcome to the fam, airah!!

***

Her

His shock lasted for a whole fucking minute that I had to pretend I passed out. Doon lang yata siya natauhan. I heard him huff a thousand times as he wrapped my white dress shirt around my wounds.

Kahit ano yatang pilit ko na mawalan ako ng malay ay rinig na rinig ko pa rin ang paligid. He dressed me up with his black shirt, lifted me up in a bridal style and walked hurriedly. He must be panicking thinking I passed out.

I wish I did.

"Boss anong-"

"There was a sniper." Hinihingal na sabi ni Erikson.

"Call the doctor, Mavrik." Si Angelo.

Erikson slowly put me down, I assume is the car's seat. Narinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto, it closed twice, maybe Mav and Angelo entered the van as well. Maya-maya ay naramdaman ko na ang pag-uyog ng sasakyan dahil sa lubak-lubak na bato.

"Ayos lang siya, boss?" Si Mavrik.

Hindi siya sinagot ni Erikson. I nearly flinch when his palm touched my forehead, thank god I didn't move. Dahan-dahan niyang nilapag ang ulo ko sa kandungan niya. He even lifted my feet up so it wouldn't lie limply on the floor.

"Boss?"

Erikson's two digits touched my pulse points. I tried my best to remain calm even though my heart wanted to explode, hindi niya dapat nararamdaman ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko!

"Tinatanong ka ni Mavrik, boss." Si Angelo.

Inayos ako sa pagkakahiga ni Erikson. I felt him checking the bleeding, thankfully it stopped. Gusto kong mahimatay pero hindi ko magawa! I was too conscious and nervous to even find myself passing out. Buhay na buhay ang utak ko dahil sa nadiskubre ni Erikson kanina.

I don't know what he'll do once I'm okay. Will I be fired?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

In the meantime, I want to nourish this. His caring side. Before I say my goodbyes. I guess this is the end of my mission.

Anong gagawin ko pagkatapos? I dedicate my teenage life with the thought that I'll protect Erikson as long as I breathe. Now that he's stripping that dream away from me, what will I do? What will be the purpose of my life by then?

I don't have a hobby. I don't have passion. And although I had Albert, we were never close. And although Elena was like a second mother to me, I knew how dedicated she is to their family.

I have no one after this.

I'm all alone.

And I don't know what to do with myself.

Sometimes, I even feel like I don't know who I am. All those years pretending to be another person, I forgot that Cindy still exists, or maybe she's already dead.

Sa sobrang dami ng gumugulo sa utak ko, hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako. Namalayan ko nalang iyon nang dahan-dahan kong iminulat ang mata at tumama ang mata ko sa hindi pamilyar na kisame.

My eyes roamed around and I realized I was in someone's room. Dahan-dahan akong umupo, wincing at the sting of my wounds. Bagong bendahe na ang nakapulupot dito at bago na rin ang damit na suot ko. I didn't lost that much blood so I guess it's only been hours since I slept?

Dahan-dahang bumukas ang pintuan sa kung saan at nagtama ang mata namin ni Erikson. Kumalabog ang puso ko dahil sa naalala. I immediately plopped on the bed and covered my whole body with the comforter, escaping his watchful gaze.

"Ci." Seryoso niyang tawag.

I pretend to groan in pain. Hindi rin nagtagal ang sanggalan ko dahil kaagad niyang inalis ang kumot na nakabalot sa akin. Our eyes met and I immediately avoided mine, burning and shivering from its impact.

The back of his palm covered my whole forehead. And then on my neck. His touch was nothing malicious but I still shiver. Damn.

"Masakit pa rin?"

Hindi. "Oo."

He sighed and stood. Sinundan siya ng mga mata ko hanggang sa nawala siya sa likod ng pintuan. I released a relieved sigh and lie on my bed, staring into nothingness.

Anong sasabihin ko kapag kokomprontahin niya ako? How will I explain myself?

He didn't disappear for a long time though. Bumalik siya sa kwarto na may dala-dalang tray ng pagkain. I sit up straight and stared at him.

"Nasa'n tayo?" I tried to ask nonchalantly.

"Nasa kwarto ko."

My lips part out of shock. I've never been to his room. He’s usually in his office so to be in this room feels so... intimate.

Nilibot ng mata ko ang kwarto niya. There was nothing personal in it though.Walang larawan niya, walang bagay na magpapakilala sa akin na sa kanya nga itong kwarto. I bet he didn't even touch this bed, it doesn't smell like him. Siguro'y dito lang siya nagbibihis at naliligo ngunit para doon lang ang kwarto niya.

Tumabi siya sa akin at inilapag ang tray sa kandungan niya. It was a porridge. I observed him as he scooped a spoonful of soup and jabbed it in front of my closed mouth.

"Ka-" My words were muffled as he fed me the moment I opened my mouth.

I gulped the porridge as he blew another spoonful of soup. I was about to tell him that I can feed myself really well but he was fast enough to put another inside my mouth. I glared at him while he scooped another, blew it gently and jabbed it again in front of my mouth. Hindi na ako makapagsalita at hinayaan siya.

Tahimik kami. I kept on fidgeting on my seat, still uncomfortable. Hindi ko alam paano ko ipapaliwanag ang sarili ko!

Nang matapos siya sa pagpapakain sa akin ay kaagad siyang tumayo. He didn't look my way when he head out, it made me anxious even more! Maya-maya's bumalik ulit siya sa kwarto, now he's carrying a new set of bandage that I gulped. Our eyes met, his were cold and devoid of emotion, mine was frightened.

Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama at bumuntong-hininga. I sank my teeth on my lower lip, not knowing what to say.

"Remove your shirt. Let's change your bandage." His voice was cold.

My eyes widened and I instinctively covered my breast with my arm. His jaw ticked.

"Bakit ka nahihiya? It's not like you're a girl." Malamig ang boses niya.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Ayaw niyang paniwalaan na babae nga ako!

"Sagutin mo ako, Ci. Alam mo kung anong mangyayari kapag pumasok ka sa mansyon para manloko. The price is death and Henry won't go easy on you. Lalake ka, hindi mo kami niloko." I almost shiver from the impact of his tone. It was low and serious almost as if he wants to hypnotize me into believing his words. That I'm... indeed a boy.

But I'm sick of lying to people. I'm sick of lying to myself. I'm so sick of it, I just want to be free, even for a moment.

"Hindi ako lalake." I find the courage to voice it out. My heart was thumping loud as I uttered those words but it felt freeing. It felt like a burden was lifted off my back.

Umigting ang bagang niya. His fist clenched as he stared at me for a minute. They were serious. There's still a hint of shock and disbelief in there, but other than that, I saw nothing but pure rage.

"You fooled me." His tone rose up a little, a little close to anger.

"Hindi ko naman kasalanan na naloko kita." Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, fist clenching.

"Ahh... so it's my fault now? Because I'm dumb enough to notice the signs?" He asked in disbelief.

"Just quit it. If you want to fire me. Fire me." Even though I hated that idea, what more could I do?

"No."

Nanlaki ang mata ko nang nilingon ko si Erikson. He was still serious and cold, I couldn't read his emotion so... why?

"I fooled you. The best thing to do is to fire-"

"I said no, Ci. Hindi kita papakawalan."

My jaw fell as emotions swirled in my heart. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman. I don't want to get fired and I didn't expect him to feel the same thing!

"You will serve me and you will pay for fooling me all along."

"P-Pay?" Lito kong tanong.

"You're indebted to me and you'll pay with your life."

Of course! That was my goal all along!

Kahit na gusto kong pigilan, kahit na anong pilit ko na seryosin ang mukha, hinsi ko mapigilang mapangiti! Ang saya ko! He didn't fire me! I still have purpose in life! He's not taking it away from me!

"Putangina."

I flinched when he cursed again. He was staring at me intently with brows furrowed. The smile on my wife was wiped off when I saw his irritated expression.

"Mukha ka talagang babae. Gano'n na ba ako katanga para hindi mapansin 'yon?" He whispered more to himself than to me.

As much as I want to fucking stop it. My cheeks heat due to embarrassment. It feels like a compliment! Like something I yearned for! I feel like I'm a woman!

Ibig sabihin ba no'n... maganda ako?

Well he drunk told me I was pretty! But this is different! He's sober!

“Oh great. Now you're flushing like a flustered woman.” He huffed.

Woman… It's been so long since I was called that way and it felt refreshing! 

He huffed. “I gave you a one week break. Use that time to heal.” Aniya at tumayo kaya bago niya pa ako maiwan ay hinuli ko ang kamay niya. His eyes dropped on my hand and I had to remove it at instant. 

“Can I… stay here?”

“Tatawagin ko si Albe—”

“Wala akong uuwian.” 

“Anong wala kang uuwian? Nandiyan si—”

“Wala nga.” Iritado kong sabi.

“Fine. But don't go out.” Aniya na tinanguan ko kaagad. It's not like I want to see them.

“You have clothes? I can buy you one.”

“Can you…” I cleared my throat as my cheeks heated. “Buy me…”

“Ano ‘yon?” Kumunot ang noo niya. 

“Daster...” Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

“Daster?”

“And underwear.” Pakiramdam ko ang lala na ng pagkakapula ko ngayon.

Hindi siya nagsalita kaya mas lalo akong namula. Nakakahiya ba? I can just ask him to grab some clothes in my room but I… I at least want to be free! Just this week… tutal at wala naman na akong kailangang itago sa kanya ‘di ba?

“Fine.” He grumbled and I heard the door shut.

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang mawala na ang presensya niya. I plopped on the bed and sank my teeth against my bottom teeth, refraining myself from smiling.

Hindi niya ako tinanggal sa trabaho!

I dozed off with a smile on my face. Nagising na lamang ako nang makarinig ng ingay sa kung saan. I slowly lifted my lids and caught Erikson trying to arrange some bandage beside the nightstand, he was sitting beside me on the bed.

“Let's change your bandage, Ci.” 

“A-Ako na.”

“Mahihirapan ka.” Malamig pa rin ang pakikitungo niya sa akin! 

“But I…”

“Just your arms and stomach. Hindi ko naman makikita. May nakatabon naman.” He sighed.

Ngumuso ako at natulala sa mukha niya. Nakakunot ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa bendaheng hawak niya. Ayaw niyang mag-angat ng tingin sa akin! 

“Okay…”

Tumango siya, nanatili ang ekspresyon, mata ay hindi pa rin nakatingin sa akin.

“Remove your shirt.”

I obliged. Tinaas ko ang malaking damit ni Erikson at hinubad. I didn't feel exposed though since I have a bandage wrapped around my breast although it still felt unfamiliar and new since I haven't done this with anyone before.

He pursed his lips tighter. I had a feeling he wanted to curse again based on his looks but he proceeded with his treatment. Tinaggal niya ang bendaheng nakapulupot sa gilid ng tiyan ko. Tahimik siya kaya tahimik din ako habang pinagmamasdan siya. Ni isang sulyap ay hindi niya magawa-gawa habang ginagamot ang sugat ko. It was as if he was too hell-bent on treating my wounds to even pay attention to me.

Akala ko kapag natapos niya na akong gamutin ay papansin niya na ako pero kaagad siyang tumayo, tinalikuran ako, at lumabas sa kwarto!

It didn't happen once. Neither twice, but thrice! He avoided me three times in a row, sparing me no glance the whole day!

My shoulders slumped. He obviously didn't want to talk to me and I... kinda miss the old Erikson. Iyong nanggugulo na sabay kaming kumain, iyong palagi akong tinitingnan, kinakausap, inaasar. Lahat ng 'yon ay nawala! I thought I would survive it but his silent treatment is far more worse than his anger. Anger is good, at least he feels something, but this? It felt like I was a wasted shoe on a rack, a display he never spare a glance at.

Gabi na nang dumating ang damit na sinabi ko kay Erikson. Pumasok siya sa kwarto niya at nilapag ang damit. He didn't talk, he knew it was common sense that the dress was for me but I pretend to be dumb anyway.

"Ano 'yan?" Tanong ko bago niya pa ako matalikuran.

"Damit mo." Walang emosyon niyang sabi sabay labas!

At least he still hears me. I sighed and stood. Kinuha ko ang daster at underwear na nakatupi sa loob nito. My cheeks heat when I saw women underwear— a bra and panty I never wore for years.

Shoving the embarrassment away, I went in his bathroom to take a bath. Masyadong madumi ang pakiramdam ko. The wound was still painful but it's bearable now. I've survived worse so I guess my body is kind of attuned to pain.

Naligo ako at nilinis ang katawan. It was too late to realize that my bandage would be soaked with water afterwards. I sighed. I guess I need to change it? Masyado yata akong okupado kay Erikson para mapagtanto ang pagkakamali.

I wore the undergarmets with a surpressed smile. Damn. It felt great! I feel like the old Cindy again! A woman! Something in me still felt that Cindy is still alive and all I need to do is to ignite that flame once in a while.

Sinuot ko ang daster na binigay ni Erikson sa akin. It was a blue daster with flower patterns in it. Hanggang tuhod ko ang taas nito at kita ang balikat ko rito. My shoulders are defined and pale, it looks feminine that's why most of the time I refrain from wearing sleevless shirt.

Lumabas ako sa banyo na basa ang buhok para makuha ang bendahe na nasa nightstand. I caught Erikson seating at the edge of the bed, hands on his hair as if he's contemplating something. I gulped. I sure hope what he's contemplating is not about firing me or not.

I tried my best to be discreet but a little move made his head snapped back at me. Our eyes met for a brief second before his eyes fell on my daster.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He stood and stormed out of the room, banging the door loud that I flinched.

He's been cursing a lot more than I imagine.