Her

Tangina.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Wala akong masabi! Malakas ang kalabog ng puso ko at pakiramdam ko maririnig niya iyon kapag humakbang pa siya!

"A-Anong sinasabi mo?!" I failed not to stutted. I failed not to look nervous. I fucking failed myself!

"Do you like me, Ci?" Inulit pa talaga!

"I-I'm a man!" I don't know if that's a good excuse.

"Yes, but you're gay."

I gasped. Anong sasabihin ko roon?! Masyado ba akong halata?!

"I—"

A sudden knock made me flinch but it might as well be my savior! Kung sino man ang nasa likod ng pintuan, tiyak akong mayayaka—

"Hendrik! Umiiyak iyong babae mo! Bakit daw hindi mo hinabol!" It was Jericho's voice.

Forget it, I might as well punch him due to happiness.

Hindi natinag si Erikson! Nanatali siyang nakatingin sa akin, nag-aabang ng sasabihin ko. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at bumuntong-hininga.

"Hendrik!" Jericho knocked loud against the door.

Pinaliitan ako ng mata ni Erikson. He stepped a little more closer, my eyes widened as I watched with bathed breath how our shoes met. Sobrang lapit niya na sa akin! Anong gagawin niya?!

I heard a click. That's when I realize, he opened the door knob behind me. Oh...

"Give me your answer tomorrow." Iyon ang sinabi niya bago niya ako iniwang nag-isa, nakatulala at hindi makapaniwala.

So you know what I did the next morning?

I pretend I was sick!

"Ci? Hindi ka kakain ng umagahan?" Si Mavrik sa labas ng kwarto ko, kumakatok.

Usually, I would eat breakfast with Mavrik and Angelo— the latter would rather glare than eat though. Pero ngayon, wala akong lakas na lumabas ng kuwarto ko! Hindi ako lalabas! Baka makasalubong ko si Erikson!

So I pretend to cough. "Mamaya na." Kunwari paos kong sabi.

"Umubo ka?" Singhap niya sa labas. "May sakit ka?!" Patuloy niya.

I rolled my eyes. He's so dramatic. "Oo! Matutulog lang ako!"

"Paano kung mamata—"

"Alis! Hindi ako makatulog!" Iritado kong sigaw.

I could imagine him pouting from the other side of the door. Thankfully, he left me. So I heaved a sigh of relief. Tahimik akong natulala sa puting kisame ng kwarto ko, iniisip kung anong mangyayari kapag aamin ako.

Aamin?! Walang aminan!

Akala ko makapagpapahinga ako buong umuga ngunit matapos ng ilang minuto ay napabalikwas ako sa pagkakahiga nang may kumatok ng napakalakas sa pinto ko. It was as if I was being attacked by a terrorist!

"Ci? May sakit ka raw?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko kasabay ng pagkalabog ng tanga kong puso. My lips part as I stare at my door. I can't believe this! Am I hearing it, right?!

"Ci? Nilalagnat ka?"

Ilang segundo yata akong natulala sa pinto ko bago ko sinampal ang pisngi dahil ramdam ko ang pamumula at pag-iinit nito.

"A-Ayos lang ako!" Hindi ko mapigilang mautal! Bakit kailangan niyang pumunta!

"Kumain ka, Ci. Magpapaluto ako ng lugaw kay Manang."

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil ibinaon ko na ang mukha ko sa unan. Ramdam ko ang lakas ng kabog ng puso ko at hindi mapigilang pamumula ng pisngi ko! Pakiramdam ko kung sasagot ako, mauutal ako dahil sa kahihiyan.

"Ci?"

"O-Oh!" I cleared my throat and breathe heavily.

"Ayos ka lang? May dala akong paracetamol."

Hinampas ko ang mukha sa unan at pinigilan ang sarili. Tumigil ka na, Erikson!

"Ci?"

"A-Ayos n-nga lang!"

"Pero—"

"U-Umalis ka na!" I want to sound harsh but I sounded like a shy puppy.

"Okay..." Kung kanina ay wala akong pakealam kung ngumuso man si Mavrik pero ngayon, naiisip ko na ang pagnguso ni Erikson, parang gusto ko nang buksan ang pinto at papasukin siya!

Hindi na siya nagsalita kaya bumuntong-hininga ako. My chest felt so heavy, not because it's in pain— well, maybe it is from the chest bandages but it felt suffocating in a... good kind of way. In a thrilling way.

I covered my whole body with the blanket as I shut my eyes tight, trying my best to fall asleep because the longer I am awake, the longer I will think of Erikson and it's not good!

Thankfully, darkness ruled my lids and everything went black as I fall to the abyss of unknown.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatulog. Ang alam ko lang ay unti-unti akong naalimpungatan dahil sa mainit na kamay na nasa noo ko.

"Boss, sigurado ka bang hindi 'yan magagalit? Binuksan mo kuwarto niya!" I heard Mavrik's faint voice.

"Sinabihan mo akong baka mamatay mag-isa rito si Ci! Wala akong choice!" It was Erikson's hushed tone. He sounded calm earlier, but now he sounds like he's in panic.

I silently panicked. All the consciousness slapped me and my heartbeat started to drum loud.

"Pero—"

"Labas na. Kaya ko na 'to." Taboy niya kay Mavrik.

"Baka—"

"Masyado kang maingay, magigising si Ci!" He whisper-yell.

"Kaya—"

"Labas."

"Boss—"

"Mavrik."

"Okay! Okay!" I heard his loud stomp.

"Mavrik!" Suway ni Erikson.

Then the door closed. My heartbeat doubled. Great. Now we're alone! Sa kuwarto ko pa talaga?!

His warm palms covered my forehead again, I tried my beat to remain breathing the same even though I'm having a hard time! Bumaba ang kamay niya sa leeg ko at doon ko na hindi nakayanan! My lips part and I opened my eyes. Our eyes met. His gray eyes looked so worried, it was as if I was back to the time where I was shot by his father. He has the same look from the past.

Did he seriously think I'll die from having a fever?

"Ayos ka lang, Ci?"

Sa tingin mo maayos pa 'tong lagay ko? Pakiramdam ko mamamatay ako sa lakas ng takbo ng puso ko!

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at tumango. He heaved a sigh of relief, I bit my lower lip and covered my whole body with the comforter.

"Ayos—"

"Oo. Matutulog na ako." Putol ko bago pa siga magtagal.

"Kumain ka—"

"Kakain ako. Kaya ko mag-isa."

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. Ilang minuto siyang natulala sa mukha ko kaya ilang minuto ko rin siya hindi nilingon hanggang sa huli ay iniwan niya na ako mag-isa. Finally! I can breathe!

Nang marinig ko ang marahan na pagsara ng pinto ay kaagad kong ibinaon ang mukha sa unan at pinigilan ang sarili sa kung anong kahibangan.

Thankfully, I fell asleep before I could even let all my emotions loose. Nagising nalang ako sa isang katok.

"Garcia."

It was Albert's usual tone and voice. I heaved a sigh and slowly stood. Nakaidlip lang naman ako kaya mabilis din akong nakabalik sa ulirat. Although my eyes felt droopy.

I opened the door for Albert and his usual stern look welcomed me. He's in his suit, probably was on duty but for unknown reason, he decided to visit me. I stepped back when he went in and locked the door.

"Narinig ko kay Hendrik. May sakit ka raw." Tanging tango ang sagot ko sabay talikod sa kaniya para makabalik sa kama.

"Bakit ka bumisita?"

"Hendrik threatened me. Sabi niya, kapag daw hindi kita binisita, baka mamatay ka."

I huffed and shook my head. That man was overdramatic.

"Ayos lang ako." Sabi ko at umupo sa kama, natulala sa kawalan.

"Nagsisi ka ba?"

I blinked and turned to Albert. He was standing in front of the bed with both his hands inside his pocket. Nakamasid siya sa akin, seryoso at mukhang nag-aantay sa isasagot ko.

"Bakit ako magsisisi?"

"He's getting married."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil doon. I want to act unaffected. I want to defend myself and tell him that it's not like that. That I don't like him and all I wanted was to protect him, that's all, nothing more, but all those words were left only in thought. I couldn't find myself saying those words. It felt like a... lie.

"You could still run and love peacefully. Without the burden." He motioned me. I know he was serious with his offer.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. He looked genuinely concern. And I can't help it...

"Bakit? Bakit mo ako tinutulungan?"

"It's simple. I pity you. Plus you could pretend to be my son. In that way, he'll be protected." Those words came naturally as if that was the reason he's been keeping to himself, he's been convincing.

"Nasaan ba ang anak mo?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "Hindi mo kailangang malaman."

"Anong pangalan niya?"

He sighed and looked at me. "Cedrik."

I shrugged. "Nice name."

He shook his head. "Too bad he can't use it."

"Ano bang nagawa mo at bakit kailangan mo siyang itago?" Nagtaas ako ng kilay.

"Quit asking." Tinalikuran niya ako at naglakad na palabas ng kuwarto ko. I released a heavy sigh.

"Thank you, Albert."

Natigilan siya ngunit hindi niya ako nilingon. It was a minute before he decided to he should leave me alone. I released another sigh and glanced at the tray of food Erikson gave me earlier.

Thankfully, Erikson didn't bother me for the rest of the day. Elena visited me in the afternoon and told me that Erikson told her about my state. I swear, he might not be here but he's making sure to involve everyone. He knew I didn't want his attention and he's commanding everyone to take care of me instead of him.

"Ayos ka na?" Si Mavrik kinabukasan nang makita akong nakatayo sa labas ng opisina ni Erikson.

Tanging tango ang naging sagot ko. Sinabihan ako kanina ni Mavrik na aalis daw sila ngayon dahil bibili ng sapatos ni Drizzy si Erikson. Sabi niya iyon daw ay dahil sinabihan siya ni Jericho na suyuin si Drizzy dahil galit daw ito. I rolled my eyes at that. I need to be there though, I can't risk his safety.

More like you can't risk other girls flirting with him.

Shut up.

Bumukas ang pinto at lumabas si Erikson, nasa likod niya si Angelo na sumulyap sa akin. He wasn't shock though. Palagi naman kasi akong sumasama sa tuwing umaalis sila sa labas ng mansyon. I only declined once and that was when he was going to meet Drizzy. Now he won't and I need to keep an eye on him.

"Oh? Ayos ka na, Ci?" Kaagad akong nilapitan ni Erikson kaya humakbang ako paatras.

It was too late. My move didn't stop him from stretching his arms and touching my forehead and neck. Pinanliitan ako ng mata ni Angelo kaya nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"Ayos na 'yan, boss. Sinungitan na ako, eh." Si Mavrik sa likod ko. Inirapan ko siya. "Oh! Nakita mo 'yon, boss?"

Erikson smiled and I fought the urge to stare at it. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kaya aksidenteng nahuli ito ni Angelo. He was looking at me with those narrowed and suspicious eyes.

What? I gave him a challenging look, he shook his head as if he was disappointed at... him? Erikson?

Mabuti naman at nauna na si Erikson. Erikson kept on glancing at me from time to time and I did my best to stare at the front. I don't want to catch him staring at me or else I'll assume things. I haven't answered him yet and it's making me nervous!

Nasa backseat ako umupo katabi si Angelo. I caught Erikson's eyes every second from the rearview and he seemed flustered by it. Sa tuwing nag-iiwas siya ng tingin ay nahuhuli iyon ni Angelo. He kept on glaring at me even though I wasn't the one staring! He's blaming me!

My body tensed every time I felt Erikson's stare but I refused to look back. Masyado na siyang halata sa pasulyap-sulyap niya! Mabuti nalang at madaldal si Mavrik kaya hindi niya iyon napansin. But I was sure Angelo noticed something strange.

I released a heavy breath when Mavrik parked outside the botique. Nauna nang lumabas si Erikson sa sasakyan, kasabay niya si Mavrik. Angelo remained and my heart thumped loud, afraid of what he might say. Kaya dali-dali sana akong lalabas kung hindi niya lang tinawag ang pangalan ko!

"H-Huh?" Nilingon ko siya, kunwari nagtataka kahit na may kutob ako kung tungkol saan ito.

"I hearf from Rony. You like boys." There was no judgement in it but there's a hit of threat. I gulped.

"I didn't know you like to gossip." I said emotionlessly to mask my nervousness.

He stared at me, point-blank. bago pa man siya makapagsalita ay kaagad na akong lumabas sa sasakyan. I bang the door loud and walked outside the botique. Hindi ako pumasok dahil ang trabaho ko ay ang magbantay, hindi ang makialam sa kung anong ginagawa ni Erikson.

Alam kong nahalata na ako ni Angelo, he pointed out my feelings and as much as I wanted to deny it, I know I'm lying to myself. I liked him so much, I was willing to sacrifice everything for him.

Natulala ako sa sapatos na binigay sa akin ni Erikson kanina. It was a blue three inches heels. A strap was attached to its ankle and my feet itched to wear the shoe.

Should I?

I guess nothing's wrong if I try, right?

Kaya tumayo ako at sumulyap sa nakasarang pintuan ng kwarto ko. Angelo insisted he'll be the one guarding Erikson tonight. Gusto ko sanang magprotesta ngunit delikado pa. Baka paghinalaan ako ni Angelo na may ginagawa ako kay Erikson tuwing gabi! Kaya wala akong nagawa kundi ang sumang-ayon nalang. Ngayon lang! Pahuhupain ko muna ang pagdududa ni Angelo at kapag napatunayan ko na ang sarili na walang namamagitan sa amin, kukunin ko na ang posisyon ko! I'll be his night shift bodyguard!

Gulping. I slowly rose my heels and attached it against the shoe pad. It felt weird and uncomfortable. But... it feels so right against my feet.

Napangiti ako nang makita kung gaano kabagay sa akin ang sapatos. I sat on the bed and assembled the strap. Nang makitang tapos na ay dahan-dahan akong tumayo para makita kung kaya ko pa bang maglakad sa ganitong uri ng sapatos.

A giggle escaped my mouth as I try to balance myself. It wasn't that hard but it's not easy as well. This... feels illegal but at the same time it feels like freedom!

I tried to walk towards the full length mirror. I stopped in front and chuckled again. Damn. I'm still wearing my bodyguard suit! My black hair was disheveled and my black eyes shone  brightly. All of it was fake— my black hair, my black eyes, my male suit— except for one. My shoes. The heels Erikson gave me. It was the only truth I can see on the mirror, on my reflection.

A knock made me jolt. Kaagad kong tinanggal ang sapatos at dali-dali itong ibinalik sa kahon. I hid it under my bed and hurriedly opened the bedroom door.

"An—" My words were left hanging when I met a familiar gray eyes. Open-mouthed, my eyes went wide as I stare at the unsettled Erikson infront of me! His hair was disheveled as if he's been rubbing his hands on it for a long time.

"B-Bakit?" I failed to mask my nervousness.

"You didn't answer me, Ci." His tone was serious, devoid of any emotion. Just plain and cold.

"A-Anong—"

"Do you like me?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at napalunok. "Ano naman ngayon sa 'yo kung anong isasagot ko?"

His lips part and all the walls and barriers I saw earlier suddenly cracked, it was as if a dam broke and pools of emotion flooded his damn mind.

"Just..." He closed his eyes and breathe deeply, he looked like he himself was confused as well. "Answer me..." He added breathlessly.

I stared at him for a minutes. His breathing was erratic and his eyes looked helpless, like he fucking fell in the pit of confusion.

"Fine. Yes." I said courageously, not batting an eye. I thank myself I said those words before I could even comprehend the words in my mind. Mabuti nalang at hindi nanginig ang boses ko. 

His eyes looked shock as his jaw dropped. He looked at me as if I was insane and I completely lost my mind.

What? Did he expect me to deny it?

"A-Ano?" His voice quivered as if he was the one who confessed and not me.

"The answer is yes. I like you, Erikson. Happy?" Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at bumuntong-hininga.

I've hid my gender, my identity, and my name. I'm so sick of hiding, at least this time... I could free myself from hiding. Just this once.