Her

I've been too overprotective. I admit it.

Hindi naman ako sinusuway ni Erikson kaya hindi ko pinipigilan lalo na't mukhang wala siyang pakealam sa buhay niya.

"Wimp." Iyon ang insulto sa akin ni Angelo sa tuwing naiinis na siya sa pinaggagawa ko. Akala niya masasaktan ako roon pero wala akong pakealam.

"Kung gusto mo siyang inisin, sabihin mong maganda siya." Narinig ko pang demonyong bulong ni Mavrik sa kaniya isang araw.

He thought I get offended whenever he calls me pretty boy because I always went on defensive mode every single time he point out any girly things in my moves such as glaring, rolling my eyes, smiling- yes, fucking smiling, he said I'm pretty when I smile. I only smile once and that was when Erikson accidentally tripped over a rock, that scene remained on Mavrik's mind and he kept on teasing me to smile. Because I look like a girl.

"Lalaki ulo no'n." Si Angelo.

"Hindi. Ma-o-offend 'yon. Ayaw niya-" I barged inside the room, the two went shut, including Mavrik.

"Si Boss?" Tanong ko, inignora ang narinig.

"Tsk. In the office, pretty boy."

Mavrik eyes widened as he turned to Angelo. My eyes remained on Angelo for a minute and his eyes looked at mine, challenging. Ramdam ko ang pagpipigil ni Mavrik na huminga at wala akong pake kung malagutan siya ng hininga.

"Okay then." Pinutol ko ang titigan at tinalikuran siya, rinig ko ang malakas na buntong-hininga ni Mavrik kasabay ng malakas kong pagsara sa pinto.

Of course I knew where Erikson was. I just want those two dumbass to know that I'm there and that they don't have the right to talk behind my back.

Walang katok-katok akong pumasok sa opisina ni Erikson. As usual, he's watching some movies on his computer's screen, his eyes passed through the screen and met mine when he heard the door and almost immediately shut the computer off.

Ngayon lahat ng atensyon niya ay nasa akin na.

"Bakit?" Kalmado kong tanong.

"You don't know how to knock?" Simangot niya.

"Bakit? Nanonood ka ng porn?" Diretsahan kong tanong kaya nanlaki ang mata niya kasabay ng pamumula ng tainga.

"Huwag mo sabihing hindi ka nanonood!" He said defensively.

"Tsk. I don't have time for that."

Mas lalo siyang namula at nag-iwas ng tingin. "Hindi porn! Just movies." He said after a while.

I shrugged and remained by the door. He glanced at me. Then the door knocked. Parehas kaming bumaling sa pintuan nang bumukas ito at pumasok si Jericho. Jericho stopped when he saw me.

"Hi there, Ci." He greeted.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at naglakad lang palapit sa kung nasaan si Erikson para maprotektahan siya. I always went behind me whenever there's a guest and every guest find me intimidating, just not Jericho who always, without doubt, looked offended whenever I stand behind Erikson.

"Hindi ko naman sasaktan 'tong kaibigan ko." His usual line.

"We never know." I said coldly and his ten times more offended, Erikson chuckled.

"Ano ba kasi 'yon, Jericho?"

Jericho's eyes remained on me for a beat, I didn't back down. I looked at him coldly and he stared at me incredulously.

"Uncle told me you'll meet your prospect for marriage."

My cold eyes falter a little and Jericho glanced at me but I reign over my emotions and stayed neutral.

"Ah... si Ana or Drizzy?" Erikson cocked his head to the side and I gulped.

"Drizzy. Ana seemed offended the last time you rejected her so the good choice would be Drizzy."

Tumango lang si Erikson at bumaling sa akin. Kumalabog ang puso ko. I shifted a little and that small movement caught Jericho's eyes. He observed my reaction with scrutinizing and suspicious gaze.

"Samahan mo ako Ci."

"Puwede namang si Angelo." This is the first time I'm rejecting this opportunity. Usually, I would battle tooth and nail to be with Erikson and Erikson would take my side instead of Angelo but now that's not the case.

"Bakit?" Jericho asked, a little scandalized. His eyes were wide and he looked at me like his suspicion was confirmed.

"Wala akong tulog." Totoo naman dahil night shift ako.

"Oh, right! Jericho is the morning shift." Erikson scartched his nape when he realized that fact. Tanging tango ang sagot ko.

Mabuti nalang at hindi nga nila ako sinama sa magiging date ni Erikson. My reason is that Drizzy might recognize me although I know for sure that aside from that reason... I really don't want to see what will happen between the two. Baka makapatay ako sa galit.

And that's a red flag.

So I chose to stay.

Nakatulog ako nang maayos sa kuwarto ko nang walang nanggugulo. Nagising na lamang ako nang mapagtantong ala sais na ng hapon at duty ko na. I took a quick shower and went in the office. Wala pa si Erikson kaya bumuntong-hininga ako.

Ang tagal naman yata?

Saktong pagpasok ko ay ang pagpasok ni Erikson, Angelo, at Mavrik- the latter however, turned his back on us and left after seeing me. He knew a fight is about to happen between me and Angelo and he's saving his self from the drama.

"Hi, Ci." Erikson greeted me and sat on his game chair.

"Labas na. Night shift na." Sabi ko kay Angelo kaya nagiba ang mukha niya.

"You wimp. I'm your senior guard." He slapped me again with those labels.

"You're not my boss." I pointed out.

"But my rank-"

"Blah blah. Labas." Putol ko sa kaniya sabay turo sa pinto.

"You disrespect-"

"Labas na, Angelo. Hindi mo na shift." Erikson butt in and I smirked at the annoyed Angelo.

"Labas." Ulit ko sabay turo sa pintuan.

Angelo glared at me as he stepped closer to my ears. I could Erikson standing from my peripheral vision but my focused remained on the man standing in front of me.

"I'll find any single evidence to fire you." He warned before he went out.

My heart thumped loud and my head went dizzy. If he found out I'm a girl then he'll definitely have enough reason to fire me.

I don't want to get fired! This is my sole purpose in life!

"Ci?"

My eyes snapped back to Erikson who was looking at me innocently. I released a shaky breath and stood straight.

"Bakit?" Kalmado kong tanong.

"Sa tingin mo... magiging mabuti ba akong ama?"

I chocked on my saliva at the sudden question. My lips part out of shock and he must've noticed the horror on my face that he scratched his nape.

"Passing thought lang. Now that I'm about to get married. I'm still not sure if I'll be-"

"Hindi." Putol ko sa kaniya, nanlaki ang mata niya.

"H-Huh?"

"Hindi ka bagay maging ama dahil bobo ka." That came out too harshly but I'm just irritated. Iniisip niya bang buntisin si Drizzy?!

"Pero—"

"Kaya huwag mo na subukang anakan ang ibang babae dahil hindi ka bagay maging ama." Putol ko sa kaniya.

"Ibang... babae?" Lito niyang tanong.

"Mga babae." Ulit ko dahil mukhang iba ang nasabi ko.

He sighed and slumped against the chair, sulking. Inirapan ko siya at ibinaling ang atensyon sa harapan.

"Paano 'yan? Magpapakasal na ako, kailangan kong bunti—"

"Puwede mo namang tanggihan tulad ng dati." Simple kong suhestiyon.

He sighed. "Hindi na puwede ngayon baka pagdudahan na ako ni Henry."

"Na ano?"

"Na may iba akong babae."

"Hayaan mo."

"Wala pa akong babae!" He sulked.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang maghanap ng iba. Puwede ka namang mamatay na walang babae sa tabi mo."

"Iba?" Taka niyang tanong.

Right. Ano bang sinasabi ko?! Bakit lagi ko sinasabing iba?!

"The point is. Just die single and live your life happily." I said.

"Hindi puwede! Boring ng buhay ko kung ganoon!" Reklamo niya.

Hindi ko na siya sinagot dahail naiirita na ako sa topic niya. Napansin niya yata ang pananahimik ko kaya umayos siya ng tayo.

"Ano bang gusto mo sa babae?" Hindi ko na napigilang tanong.

"Oh... I like girls with blond hair but if they're not, that's okay. Gusto ko rin ng babaeng masungit pero overprotective—"

"Stop narrating. I get your type." Putol ko sa kaniya.

"How about you? What's your type Ci?" He asked all of a sudden.

"My type is a moreno filipino man who loves combat unlike a man who shoots and play around like a child." I waited my whole life to say this out loud because I'm slowly believing that my type is the opposite as I want it to be.

Silence enveloped the surrounding.

And that's when I realize—

My eyes widened as I turned to look at Erikson's reaction. His eyes were wide as well and his lips were parted out of shock.

"You're... gay?" He croaked.

Fuck it. Bakit ko nakalimutan?! Lalake ka, Ci! Lalake ka!

I cleared my throat and avoided my eyes. Silently praying I don't flush out of embarrassment.

"You don't like... girls?" He added, shock at the new information.

I closed my eyes and heaved a deep breath.

"Ano naman ngayon?!" That came out too harsh, too defensive.

He gulped and nodded. "Right!" He laughed awkwardly and scratched his nape. "Don't worry! I'll keep it as a secret!" He promised.

Hindi na ako nagsalita dahil sa kahihiyan. Bakit ko ba kasi sinabi iyon?! I was too confident about my type that I forgot my fake gender! I'm a man, okay! A man!

"So... you don't like gir—"

"So what?!" I cut him off and glared at him.

"Nothing!" He awkwardly laughed.

Hindi na siya nagsalita. Mabuti naman. Ayaw ko nang pag-usapan ito!

Kumatok muli ang pinto sa opisina at pumasok si Jericho. Jericho and my eyes met but I avoided mine.

"Labas Ci." Si Erikson.

Hindi na ako nag-antay at kaagad nang lumabas. I released a relief sigh. Mabuti nalang at pumunta si Jericho dahil hindi ako komportable! Baka kung anong isipin ni Erikson dahil nalaman niyang may gusto ako sa lalake!

To release all the pent up frustration. Bumaba ako sa palapag at binisita si Elena— she told me to call her Elena instead of addressing her as Manang and I guess that's okay. She said we're just like best friends or something despite the age gap.

"Oh, hija?" Nadatnan ko siyang naghuhugas ng mga plato sa kusina.

"Kailangan ba talagang makasal si Erikson?" Gustong-gusto ko 'tong itanong dahil hindi ako komportable sa ideya.

Natigil siya sa paghuhugas at nilingon ako. I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms, staring at nothingness.

"Kailangan ni Henry ng tagapagmana." That's what she said that I sighed loud.

"Dahil?"

"Iniisip nilang masyadong bobo si Erikson para mamahala."

"Iyon lang? Puwede naman yatang matutunan 'yan?" Lito kong tanong.

"Hindi ko alam. Siguro dahil sa dugo niya?"

"Dugo niya?" Lito kong tanong.

Natahimik siya ng ilang minuto kaya sinulyapan ko siya. Bumuntong-hininga siya at umilimg.

"Huwag mo nang problemahin, hija. Protektahan mo nalang siya." Iyon lang ang sinabi niya bago ako iniwan sa kusina.

Ilang minuto akong nanatili sa kusina. Iniisip ang maaring mangyari kapag nagpakasal si Erikson. Kapag nagpakasal siya, mananatili pa kaya ako sa tabi niya?

Hindi ko alam at ayaw kong isipin iyon. Hindi puwede! Sayang ang limang taon kung mangyayari iyon!

I'm a child soldier. Enlisted at the army at 15 and that's a lot considering the normal age a man is allowed to enter the military world. I don't know how powerful Albert is but he managed to slip me past the age limits. I served for five years— that's what I signed up for on my enlistment contract and in those five years, my life had been a hell. And I did all of that for Erikson.

If someone were to read that part of my story, they'd say I'm crazy. I guess I am. I only met him for a while in my teenage years and I was willing to serve my whole life for him? Really nuts.

Pero hindi ko masisisi ang sarili ko. In my whole life, I had no one until I met him. Noong na-ospital si Papa, wala na akong naging kakampi. Wala na akong naging kaibigan. I thought I was contented with being alone but when I found a friend in him, when I found comfort in his presence, when I found someone I could be with, I felt like I was lying to myself the whole time I kept telling myself that it's okay to be alone.

He was the first person to give me a gift. The first person to dance me. The first person to appreciate me. He was the first in every thing I didn't know I've yearned for— someone who'll stay. Really stay.

He made me realize that beautiful things doesn't only stop with nature. Sometimes... it can be seen on someone's eyes, someone's smile, or even someone's presence.

"Bakit ka tulala?" Si Erikson.

I released a sigh and turned to him. Ngayon ko lang napagtantong kanina niya pa pala ako pinagmamasdan.

"Bakit?"

"Wala lang." Sagot niya, nakamasid pa rin sa akin.

Kumunot na ng noo ko. "Anong problema mo?"

"Wala akong problema." Aniya.

"Eh bakit ka tingin nang tingin?"

"Wala lang."

Napailing nalang ako at iniiwas ang tingin sa kaniya. Natahimik kami ng ilang minuto.

"Kailan mo natuklasan?"

"Ang?" Lito kong tanong sabay baling sa kaniya.

"Na..." He cleared his throat. "Gusto mo ang lalake?"

Napaubo ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. Bakit ba ganito ang tanong niya?!

"Bakit kailangan mong malaman?" Iritado kong tanong.

"Wala lang."

"Wala lang pala. 'Wag ka nang magtanong."

"Gusto kong malaman!" He sulked.

"Bakit?"

"Curious lang. Paano mo natanggap?"

Again, napaubo ako. Paano ko masasagot iyon!

"Bakit? May gusto ka rin sa lalake?" Hamon ko.

His eyes widened. "Hindi! I'm straight! I like girls!" He shouted defensively. Natawa ako. He looked like a trapped mouse.

"You... laughed. For the second time." He tilted his head and I wiped the smile off my face.

"Ano naman ngayon?" Taas ang kilay kong tanong.

"May nagkagusto na ba sa 'yong lalake?" Kuryoso niyang tanong.

"Oo." That the truth. A bunch of guys liked me back when I was still allowed to go to school.

His eyes widened and his stance went alert. "May nagustuhan ka na bang lalake?"

I sighed. This is an understatement. I know I liked Erikson back then but I know it doesn't stop there as the years passed. I know it was something deeper than just a mere like.

"Meron." Sagot ko kaya napasinghap siya.

"Sino?" He looked at me attentively.

"Bakit ko sasabihin?" Masungit kong tanong.

"Come on! We're best friends!" He said, labeling something between us, I shook my head.

"We're not." Iling ko.

"Nope. From now on, we are. Puwede na rin naring pagtulungan si Angelo." He offered, betraying his senior guard. I would pay to see Angelo's reaction if he hear this conversation. It would be iconic.

"Hindi ko puwedeng sabihin sa 'yo." Sabi ko kaya sumimangot siya.

"Buhay pa?" Tanong niya.

Buhay na buhay. Kausap ko pa nga, eh.

What the hell, Ci?