Her

Ever since I was a child, I have always dreamt of a life like those of a fairytale movies.

A prince and princess... living happily ever after.

And as I grew older, I realize that fairy tales doesn't exist in real life. They're all bullshit meant to feed the delusions of children, manipulating them into believing that the world is beautiful.

Because I was manipulated. I have always believed that the world could be as beautiful as the nature. That my life could be as vibrant as the sun, especially when I met Erikson.

But those sunshines soon became storm. The colorful life I have always admired changed into a hue of black and gray. And the happiness I thought was gonna last, turned into ash gray. Everything was now buried six feet under.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang mabuhay matapos matamaan ng bala. I was in comatose for six months— that was what the man who saved me said. Luckily, I survived, he said it was a great miracle, or maybe he was just too fast because if he rescued me seconds later, I would've died— that was the doctor said.

Hindi ako kaagad gumaling nang magising ako. A middle-aged woman, who was familiar— took care of me for another five months. And as I stare at her longer, I realize that she was the woman who found my shoes in the forest— Elena.

Sa loob ng isang taon ko sa ospital, unti-unti na akong nakakalad ng maayos kahit masakit pa rin ang banda sa dibdib ko. Hindi rin pamilyar sa akin ang ospital kung nasaan ako kaya panigurado akong hindi kami nasa Casa Cantatio.

When I finally recovered, the man who I only saw once when I woke up from coma came back with his unusual question.

"Do you want to run away or stay in Casa Cantatio?"

That was a question I didn't hesitate answering.

"Stay in Casa Cantatio."

Malamig ang mga mata niyang nakamasid sa akin. He's a middle-aged man and he looks lean like he's meant for combat. I didn't even know him and his name but he saved me... for a reason? I guess.

"Lahat ng taong naiwan mo roon ay naniwalang patay ka na." Aniya kaya saglit na natigil ang mundo ko.

I blinked. And blinked. Hoping that he was kidding but when I saw nothing changed in his expression, I realized it was real.

"Cindy Dela Vega is dead. Your tombstone can even be found there."

I breathe deeply and clenched my fist. "Anong rason ng pagkamatay ko?" I asked slowly.

He stared at me for a whole lot minute and my breathing hitched. They can't possibly manipulate my dea—

"Suicide."

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa walang emosyon niyang sinabi. What?

"Your house was in fire while your family was outside. Naniwala silang lahat na ikaw ang nagsunog na bahay kasama ang sarili mo. There was a burned corpse there with your suicide note Henry plotted."

I gasped and closed my eyes at the brutality of my death.

Everything was black as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best not to decipher how bad they paint me in their minds after that accident. They must've think I'm crazy.

When I finally managed to gather all my breath and compose myself. I stared at the man who was standing coolly in front of me.

"Why did you save me?"

"Pretend to be my son." He said in a cool tone, I clenched my fist as I stare at him in a mocking manner.

"What?"

"Pretend to be my son." He repeat as if he didn't hear the mock in my tone.

"Kaya mo ako tinanong kung gusto kong bumalik sa Casa Cantatio? Dahil kapag pinili ko 'to, maniniwala silang anak mo nga ako?"

He shrugged. "I gave you a choice. You can either ran away or stay and pretend you're another human being."

I clenched my jaw and stared at him for a whole lot minute, contemplating my decisions.

"You would be Hendrik's bodyguard. Walang ibang pinagkakatiwalaan si Henry kundi ako kaya mas magtitiwala siya kapag nalaman niyang anak ko—"

"How is... Erikson?" My heart thumped loud against my chest when I mentioned his name that I had to stop and breathe deeply because of the pain from the bullet.

"Katulad ng dati. Sunod-sunuran."

Kumuyom ang kamao ko. "Sinasaktan pa rin ba siya?"

Tumango siya kaya napapikit ako dahil sa galit.

"How... how do I change myself?" I slowly asked and opened my eyes. When our eyes met, he gave me that look. That look of you're a stupid girl for loving a dangerous boy.

"You need to know that it's only been a year. And you need training." Iminuwestra niya ang payat kong braso kaya kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi.

"Anong dapat kong gawin?"

"Train as a military men." He suggested, my jaw clenched.

"Ilang taon?" Mahinahon kong tanong. Hindi ako tanga para maniwalang isang taon lang ang itatagal ko sa loob ng militarya.

"Probably 5 years?" Nagtaas siya ng kilay kaya bumuntong-hininga ako.

"Limang taon?" Ulit ko.

"Limang taon." Ulit niya.

Natawa ako dahil sa sinabi niya. "Gago ka ba?" Iritado kong tanong.

Nanatili ang walang emosyon niyang ekspresyon. "Hindi."

I laughed humorlessly and looked at him mockingly. "So ang gusto mong gawin ko ay magkulong sa militarya ng limang taon? Paano ko siya mapoprotektahan kung wala ako sa tabi niya?!" Tumaas ang tono ko dahil sa galit.

"Your sacrifice won't be in vain."

"Tangina. Paano kung habang nasa militarya ako binubugbog na siya ng gago niyang ama?!" Bulyaw ko at napatayo dahil sa galit.

Nanatili siyang kalmado kahit na mukhang susugurin ko na siya.

"I will protect him."

I scoffed. "Protect him? Paano?!"

"Hanggang nasa militarya ka, ako ang magbabantay sa kaniya. Kapag bumalik ka na, puwede mo na siyang protektahan."

Napailing ako at natawa. "Paano ako nakakasigirong hindi siya nasasaktan?"

"Sisiguraduhin ko. Babalitaan kita."

I closed my eyes and heaved a breath. I want to protect him. He shouldn't be with that abusive father! Sa tuwing pumipikit ako, hindi ko makalimutan ang hagulhol at pagmamakaawa niyang iligtas ako. He looked helpless, he was willing to be beaten up just to save me. And I want to save him from his life. I want to protect him!

"Kapag nalaman kong nasaktan siya, kahit galos lang 'yan, humanda ka." Banta ko.

Tumango siya. "Pumapayag ka na?"

I avoided my eyes and clenched my fist. What's the point of running away? If I ran, I won't be able to protect him.

"Sigurado ka bang hindi nila ako mamumukhaan?"

Nagtaas siya ng kilay sa akin. "A change of haircut, hair color, and eyes would do. They believed your dead, he saw your body and he's dum—"

"Subukan mong tawagin siyang bobo." Banta ko. Tumikhim siya.

"Anyways, many things would change in the past five years so they wouldn't recognize you." He pointed out.

I sighed and stared at nothingness. I... need to pretend as a man?

"Kapag nalaman ni Henry na anak ko ang magbabantay sa anak niya, pagkakatiwalaan ka niya kaya mas mabuting patunayan na nasa militarya ka nga. You need experience if you want to be Hendrik's bodyguard."

As much as I don't want to admit it, I know he's right. I need training and experience. How am I going to protect him if I'm weak as well?

Kaya pumasok ako sa militarya. I don't know how Albert managed to manipulate the system but he has connections. Sabi niya puwede daw akong gumawa ng sarili kong pangalan basta't apliyedo niya ang gagamitin ko. So I choce a new name, something close to my past self.

Ci Garcia

Every card and certificates Albert gave, my new name was engrave on it and I should get used to it. At least I still feel like my own whenever they call me Ci like they're calling me Cindy. Only that I'm in a different identity and gender.

Albert managed to bribe the officials to remain shut whenever someone suspected me as a woman. Sa aming batch kasi, ako ang pinakapayat kahit na may mas maliit pa sa akin. I also cut my hair in a military haircut and dyed it black.

"Pretty feminine boys are not meant to be in a military." I always hear that mockery everywhere.

I am weak. I admit. I am physically weak due to many biological factors but one thing I'm sure of is that I am stronger mentally and emotionally compared to the men who mocks me. I have determination.

Often times, I find myself wanting to give up from the physical exertion but I quickly brush that thought off. May mga pagkakataon ding nahihirapan akong itago ang pagiging babae ko dahil kahit na hindi na ako dinadalawan (from the shot I had thanks to Elena), I cannot always hide my growing breast. Chest bandage do work and I'm thankful that it's not that noticeable but as the days past, I find myself being suffocated by it.

May mga pagkakataong nagsasawa na akong palaging nagtatago sa tuwing nagbibihis kami, may mga pagkakatong nagsasawa na akong palaging nagmamanman sa tuwing naliligo ako sa takot na mahuli ang tinatago ko, may mga pagkakataong gusto kong makahinga ng maluwag na hindi sinusuot ang bendaheng mariing nakapulupot sa itaas ko. May mga pagkakataong gusto ko nalang iwan ang lahat ng 'to, tumakas at maging babae.

Pero para saan lahat ng isinakripisyo ko kung susuko ako?

So I continued.

I kept telling myself that I just wanted to protect Erikson. I just wanted to know that I'll be there to save him. I just wanted to see that he's safe and not kneeling on the floor, begging his motherfucker father.

That's all. His safety is all that matters. I wouldn't ask for more.

Because ever since I lost Cindy Dela Vega, my whole existence has been nothing but a downward spiral. That past months of recovering... I wasn't myself that I almost... almost end it all.

A part of my past I never want to go back.

Every night, I was haunted by shots, by Erikson's sobs, by the pain his father's bodyguard inflicted on me. By the past I thought was going well but later on turned into a nightmare.

And then I receive a horrible news.

"Your father died. I'm sorry but you deserve to know this." Iyon ang balitang ibinungad sa akin ni Albert sa telepono habang nagpapagaling pa ako.

Halos tapusin ko na lahat. Gusto ko nang magpahinga dahil pagod na ako. Pero isang katok galing sa labas ang nagpatigil sa akin.

And then my guardian angel— Elena came. She gave me the shoes she saved from the fire. The shoes Erikson gave me.

And that's when I found the will to live again.

That's when I found a reason to stay breathing.

That is to protect him.

And now, my sole purpose in life is to protect him. To never see those tears again.

Kaya kahit nakakapagod sa militarya ay nagpatuloy ako.

"Oh, nandiyan na pala iyong pambato ko, oh." Sirit ng isa sa ka-batch ko nang makitang pumasok ako sa canteen namin.

Hindi ko pinansin ang pasaring nila. Tahimik akong kumuha ng tray at nagsandok ng sariling makakain. Kakatapos ko lang maglapse dahil nahuli akong nagising kaninang umaga. Walang gumising sa akin, ni-lock pa nila ang pinto, pakiramdam ko sinadya ng mga kasama ko sa kuwarto na huwag mag-ingay para ma-late ako sa paggising kaya napagalitan nanaman ako ng captain namin.

"Buti hindi na 'yan nahimatay. Sayang 'yong pera ko sa pustahan." Si Jon.

I sighed. Isang beses lang ako nahimatay at dahil iyon sa pagod. I didn't get enough sleep and didn't even get to eat that time that I ended up collapsing after the captain told me to do ten laps.

"Mahihimatay 'yan sa susunod. Pusta ko. Ang hina-hina, eh." Ani ng kaibigan niya.

"Don't mind them."

Napalingon ako sa tabi ko nang biglaang sumulpot ang kasama ko sa militarya. It was Jake. Just like me, he was bullied just because we're both small and weak as they like to label us.

"I really don't." I shrugged and sat on an empty chair, he sat in front of me.

"Inggit lang sila kasi malapit ka nang lumabas." Aniya kaya tumango lang ako.

Just like what Albert promised me, after five years I'll be able to get out of the military and serve Erikson. Hindi naman niya ako binigo dahil binabalitaan niya ako sa kalagayan ni Erikson.

To be honest, I think my feelings for him are not the same anymore. I just wanted to protect him but I don't think I like him the way Elena describes my feelings. Sa nagdaang limang taon ko sa militarya, hindi ko inisip ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya, ang tanging nasa isip ko ay ang kalagayan niya.

Maybe because he unknowingly saved me from drowning. From ending it. Even without his presence. The shoes I tucked inside a silver box was a reminder that someone still cares for me. And maybe it's just the sense of responsibility, nothing more.

"Bukas, ipapakilala na kita sa kaniya."

I heaved a sigh when Albert said that. Nakabalik na ako sa Casa Cantatio dahil sinundo ako ng tauhan ni Albert. I'm currently staying in an inn he paid.

Tumango ako at tumayo, pinagmasdan ang sarili sa salamin. I wore a black contact lens because that's my identity and what's on my passport photo. My blue eyes would be suspicious since Albert didn't have any blue eyes and I claimed to be his son. My hair is also dyed black and it's length is up to my nape. I had small biceps but not bulky enough like any other military men. I'm tall since I have a foreign blood, only that I'm a bit lanky. Aside from that, I look like a boy— yes, a boy, not a man.

That would do. I look nothing like the fourteen year old Ella Erikson knew.

Nagpaalam na sa akin si Albert na matutulog siya kaya nang mapag-isa ako sa kuwarto ko ay tinanggal ko na ang bendaheng nakapulupot sa dibdib ko. I heaved a sigh of relief when it was freed. And just like what I always do whenever I'm alone, I stood naked in front of a mirror.

To stare at my body. To remind myself that I'm still a woman. To remind myself of who I am. I am still Cindy.

Sometimes... I just wish to be a woman. To act like one. To wear fancy clothes. To walk in heels.

But then I don't want to run away. I don't want to leave Erikson behind. That's my purpose in life.

Kaya nang tumama ang mata ko sa kaniya matapos ng ilang taon... matapos ng lahat ng nangyari. Alam kong lahat ng sakripisyo ko ay hindi nasayang.

"New bodyguard?" He tilted his head and looked at Albert confusingly.

Fuck. I forgot how deep his voice was.

"Yes. New boduguard." He repeated. Nanatili ako sa likod ni Albert sa takot na magtama ang mata namin dahil sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan.

"Bakit parang takot siya sa akin?" Tanong niya kaya napatuwid ako sa pagkakatayo.

Albert glanced at me and raised his brow. He tilted his head forward, telling me to introduce muself and I heaved a sigh as I slowly... stepped forward.

Erikson and my eyes met and the familiar nostalgic beat of my heart that I long thought was dead resurrected into life. Those familiar gray eyes looked like my lost home... my past. He's much more taller now, much much more taller than me. He's in his suit but I could see the hint of build in his body. His face remained the same though. Still handsome as ever.

Tangina.

A moment pass, his stare remained on me. His scrutinizing gaze roamed over my face as his brows furrowed and my heart thumped loud.

"I'm sorry but... have we met before?"