7/15/15

I SIT AT the kitchen island with my bowl of cereal as I twirl my spoon in circles in the milk.

I'm not eating any of it. I'm just letting it become a soggy mess as my mind wanders. Because what I do today could change everything, and that scares me like no other. But at the same time I know it's something I need to, something I should've done a long time ago.

I've debated with myself a lot over the past couple of days on whether or not I should do this. But I know if I were in her position, no matter what, I would want to know. And after the talk I had with Max I know I also need this. This secret that I'm keeping isn't helping anyone, especially me.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs from behind me, and I don't have to turn to see whom it is. "Hey Cale," I mutter before I take a sip of my water.

His steps audibly stop behind me, as if he is stunned that I even said anything to him. But he doesn't realize that I have a lot more to say than just "hi" today.

Cale walks around the island and stops once he is directly across from me. His hazel eyes roam over my face as if he's trying to read my mood, but he won't ever guess what I'm about to say next. His blonde hair is messy, and his t-shirt and boxers just as wrinkled. He obviously just woke up, and he wasn't expecting me.

"I though you would've left with Bailey already for the fitting," he says awkwardly. We haven't spoken much besides pleasantries since the whole admission of love and me forcing him to let me go. It's just easier to keep our distance, especially with the wedding approaching so quickly.

I slide off my stool and walk around to the sink where he stands. "She had an errand to run first, so I said I would meet her there instead," I tell him as I dump my mushy cereal remains into the sink and run water over the bowl.

I switch the water off and turn to face Cale as I cross my arms across my chest. "We need to talk," I announce keeping my face even. I would rather come across cold then show him one ounce of emotion. I'm over Cale. I am.

He takes a step back obviously not liking my words. "About what?" he asks cautiously.

I run my tongue over my teeth all of the sudden nervous to tell him, nervous to actually follow through. But I am, and I do. "I'm telling her the truth," I say not needing to say my sister's name for Cale to understand what I am saying.

His eyes narrow immediately at my words. "What is that supposed to mean?" he questions.

I tilt my head. "I'm telling her everything, I don't want to hide anything anymore," I tell him.

"Why does she need know?" he pushes as he runs a hand over his face. His body is tense, and his hands clench over and over again as if that is the only he can expel the energy running through him right now.

"It's something I need to do Cale, and if I were her I would want to know—"

"Well you aren't her, so you can't really know what she wants can you," he argues cutting me off.

I drop my head. I didn't want to start a fight with him this morning. I just wanted to at least warn him of what I was planning so he wouldn't be caught off guard if Bailey questioned him about that summer. "I'm not going to go into detail with her, or paint you in a bad picture—"

"Oh, really?" he taunts. This time he crosses his hands over his chest as if he doesn't believe me.

I scoff. "No Cale!" I exclaim a tad pissed he would assume I would do such a thing. I may have never been happy about them being together, but I would never ruin my sister's happiness. "She loves you, I wouldn't do that to her," I tell him. I'm not trying to break their relationship up. I'm just trying to free myself from anymore lies. The weight of these secrets has weighed heavily on me for years, and I'm over it. I'm trying to untangle myself completely from Cale and that summer so that I can finally be free.

"Then what are you going to say?" he asks.

I lift a single shoulder. "That we had a summer fling, and it ended," I say simply enough to him. "But it's something I think she deserves to know."

"So why are you telling me this?" he asks as he takes a step towards me.

I take a step backward.

I don't think Cale realized he walked towards me, and when he sees my step back he also takes another away from me. We keep our space from each other because it's safer this way. It's safer than the alternative of falling into a past that may feel good at first, but comes with so much baggage in the end.

I quickly grab my phone and purse off of the counter. "In case she wants to talk to you about it, or if for some reason she doesn't believe me," I say as I start towards the door.

"Why wouldn't she believe you?" he calls after me.

"Who knows, it's Bailey," I say with a shrug as if that explains everything. "So there you go, I told you," I continue as I throw Cale one last look over my shoulder before walking out the door and out to my car.

I turn the music up loudly in my car, and try and block out the way his hazel eyes held onto mine at the very end. I try to block out everything about Cale, because I'm over him. I am.

* * * * *

As Bailey and I walk into I Do, Helen greats us with a full smile and an excited wave. "Well isn't it just my favorite sister duo," she chirps as she claps her hands together.

"How are you today Helen?" I ask as we approach the front desk to check in for Bailey's fitting.

She waves a hand in dismissal. "Oh, you know just another Wednesday afternoon here, nothing too crazy," she says as she types away at her computer.

"And we didn't need to bring anything correct?" Bailey asks Helen as she continues to type away on her phone. She has barely taken her eyes away from her cell since the moment we got here. I know she has emails, and other important wedding stuff to manage, but it's still slightly annoying.

Helen shakes her head in response. "Nope, just your beautiful self," she tells us with another quick smile lighting up her face. She really is the sweetest. "Okay," she tells us as she clicks her mouse one last time. "You are all checked in, and Alicia should be up here soon to grab you both for alterations," she says. "Though it could be a few minutes because I know she has been running slightly behind today, but no worries we will get you in and make sure everything is perfect," she assures us, well more like Bailey. I couldn't care less if this appointment is right on time.

Bailey nods. "It's all good, I have a few more emails to catch up on anyways," she says before making her way to the waiting area sofa.

I raise my eyebrows shocked by my sister's reaction, but follow her to the waiting area nonetheless.

"You were very calm about that," I comment to Bailey as I grab a magazine and begin to flip through the glossy pages.

She sets her phone down for a second and looks at me. "I know right!" she exclaims, as if she is so proud of herself for being an adult about something. I hold in the urge to roll my eyes. "I've been working on my bridezilla-ness lately," she tells me as her eyes cast back down to her buzzing phone. I swear that thing hasn't stopped going off for the past month.

I hold back the laugh that wants to bubble up at her words, knowing that she's being actually serious. "Well that's great Bai," I state simply, honestly not knowing what else to say.

"So you said you needed to talk about something today," she starts. "So talk," she tells me not knowing at all the bomb she is asking me to drop on her right now.

My lips curl inward as I sink back into the plush sofa. "We can wait until after the appointment," I tell her trying to get her to drop the subject. Now really isn't the time or the place to get into this discussion.

She's rapidly responding to some email as her nails continue to tap away on the screen of her phone. How the thing hasn't cracked by her rapid messaging yet is completely shocking.

"No, come on spill," she says still focusing on her phone. "After this I have to run a few other errands, and I'm uber busy the next few days also. So I'd rather you just tell me what you need to tell me now," she expresses.

Nerves crash on me like waves do onto a shore, and I feel my bottom lip begin to quiver at the prospect of saying these words to my sister. My resolve from earlier is quickly dwindling, and I feel myself begin to chicken out. What happened to my determination? But what if Cale is right? What if she doesn't need to know?

No!

Cale is right about nothing. Bailey deserves to know, and beyond that this is something I need to do for my own sanity and future happiness. Something I need to do to continue to move on and focus my attention on Max.

Before I can stop myself I blurt, "I dated Cale."

The incessant tapping that hasn't stopped for a second from Bailey all of the sudden halts. Besides the soft music playing overhead in the boutique there is nothing but a heavy silence that lingers between my sister and myself.

I shift my head lightly to the left to see her big blue eyes that match my own widen as her lips part in a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

"What?" she breathes.

I wet my lips before speaking, not realizing how dry my mouth had become all of a sudden. "Well not dated per say..." I trail uneasy. "More like a fling," I say trying to make it sound better, but I don't miss the way she winces at my choice of the word "fling".

Bailey tucks her dark hair behind her ears and turns to face me as much as she can on the sofa. Her phone still buzzes, but this time she couldn't care less about who's contacting her. "When?" she questions as her face pulls in a look of bitter sadness.

I play with the hem of my tank attempting to avoid my sister's gaze. "Just for a summer," I confess her. "When I was sixteen," I specify.

Bailey was never good at hiding her emotions like I am, and now in this moment is no exception. Deep hurt fills her eyes as her shoulders sag. "Why didn't you tell me?" she demands.

"Because you're engaged and I didn't want to take away from what you have with Cale, but—"

"No," she says stopping my words as well as raising a hand to end my rambling. "Why didn't you tell me about him when you were sixteen?" she asks clarifying her earlier question.

I'm taken back by her words. I shrug not knowing how to answer her question. "I don't know..." I trail. "I didn't tell anybody about it," I tell her almost trying to make her feel better about the situation.

"You told not one person, really?" she says not believing me.

My palms turn up as an exasperated sigh falls from my lips. "Okay, I told one person, but that's it Bai," I tell her adamantly not understanding why she's fixating on this small part of what I admitted. "Seriously, no one knew," I reiterate.

"Who?" she asks simply.

"Who what?" I ask losing track of where this conversation has now headed.

"Who did you tell?" she pushes again.

"Kylie," I finally answer after a long pause. I don't know why it matters whom I told, or that I didn't tell Bailey. Shouldn't she be focusing more on that part that I dated her fiancé?

She bobs her head slowly as her offended eyes finally leave mine and fall back onto her continuously buzzing phone.

"Bailey—"

She cuts me off once more. "I just want to say that I don't even care that you and Cale once had a fling," she starts. "Yes, of course that hurts, but knowing that your own sister felt and obviously still feels like she can't share things with someone who loves them unconditionally hurts even more," she expresses. Her voice is thick as if tears are on the brink, and I can't help the way my heart contracts with a sharp sting.

I want to say something to ease her hurt, and my own aching heart. But no words fall from my parted lips, because there are no words to fix this moment.

"I've missed you so much these past few years," Bailey continues. "And every single time something important happened in my life you were the first person I called Grayson," she says using my full name. Her words breaking as tears begin to fill her emotion filled eyes.

"I don't know what to say," I admit. My throat feels clogged as tears threaten to fall, but I hold the emotion back knowing I don't have a reason to cry right now. Bailey is right. I am in the wrong here. We used to be so damn close, and I broke that bridge the moment Cale walked into my life.

Kylie might've not known the extent of my relationship with Cale, but she at least knew about us. I tore myself not only away from my parents, but also from my sister. The one person who I used to tell everything to, and who is my eternal best friend. I turned my back on the one person who will never not love me, no matter how bad I mess up. Though this time it feels like I might've messed up in a way that's permanent. And not even the pain of Cale breaking my heart can top the way my heart is breaking in this very instant.

"I can still remember the time you ran into my room and told me about your first kiss," Bailey says as a sad smile lifts the corner of her lips. "You were fourteen and you kissed Sawyer Thawten," she sniffles. "You would tell me everything back then. And when all my friends would talk about how much they hated their siblings I was proud to say you were my best friend." Tears openly fall down her face and seeing my sister cry makes me want to break down. And knowing I'm the cause of her pain makes me want to curl into a ball and cry even more.

Guilt, shame, and disappointment drive through my veins, as I feel even worse about myself. I told myself I wouldn't be the cause of my sister's pain, and even after letting Cale go here I still am. I ruined the one great relationship I had, and for what? A fleeting moment of bliss? A broken heart?

"I knew you were seeing someone that summer," she finally discloses to me.

"What?" I ask hoarsely as tears still threaten to spill over.

"You were always gone, and you had this permanent smile on your face that never left and I knew you were in love. And I waited," she says. "I waited for you to come to my room and tell me all about your first love, but you never did," she breaks off her voice filled with a deep sorrow.

I open my mouth to say something, but again no words come out.

"Then you were sad, so sad. And I waited again. I waited for you to come into my room and tell me about the asshole that gave you your first broken heart, but again you never did. You turned away from me, and our parents. And before I knew it you were miles and miles away at a new college with a new best friend," she pauses as a single tear slides down her cheek. "A new sister."

"Bailey—"

But she stands up and tosses her cell into her purse. "I'm sorry I have to go, I need some space," she rushes out.

I quickly stand to stop her, but I know nothing I say can fix what I've done. Nothing can fix how deeply I've hurt her.

"I'm so sorry Helen we need to reschedule," she barely utters out before running out of the boutique.

Helen casts me a look of worry, but I can't even focus on her at the moment. I sit back against the sofa and finally let the tears I have kept at bay openly stroll down my face. The one relationship that was a constant when I was growing up, that literally ran blood deep I ruined. And I finally thought we were making steps towards mending that bond. But then I come in and ram a wrecking ball right into it.

I was so focused on how she would take the fact that I dated Cale, I didn't even stop to think how she would feel about me keeping a whole part of my life from her.

I blame Cale for a lot of things that went wrong in my life, but this right here isn't his fault. This is all mine. I ruined my relationship with my sister, and I have to find a way to fix it. Because my sister may annoy me at times, but she is still my sister and she deserves more than I've been giving her.

So much more.