5/9/15

"ARE YOU SURE you can't come with me?" I ask for maybe the millionth time.

I don't usually whine, actually I always get on to Hayley for doing just that. But I haven't really seen my sister in four years, or that beach house, or that town. It all holds bad memories. I am already a bitter enough person without the reminder of that fatal summer.

I throw my last shirt in my suitcase, and sigh as I sit on my bed. I look over to Hayley hoping she will just tag along. She loves adventure, and will be able to keep my mind off that summer. The summer that changed me for the better I would say. I am no longer naïve about love or boys, but Hayley believes I need to be more naïve and have more fun.

"Gray, you know I would love to go to Florida with you—"

I cut her off. "Then come you wouldn't have to pay for a thing!" I plead. God, I sound pathetic. My shoulders slump at the realization. I am twenty years old, not sixteen anymore, and he is not even going to be there. So why am I still so apprehensive about stepping back into that stupid small beach town?

Hayley sighs and sits down next to me on the bed as her light green eyes meet mine. "You know I would love to come with you," she says. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her. "But I have to take this internship. If it wasn't important I would be right there with you. I always have your back G." She wraps her other arm around me and pulls me in tighter. Her naturally wavy hair tickles my shoulders, and she smells of peaches.

"You know I don't totally hate you right?" I ask as a small smile plays at my lips.

She lets me go and plants a big kiss on my cheek. "And I love you more Grayson Kennings."

I roll my eyes and pretend to wipe her kiss off. But she knows I love her more than anything, even if it is hard to say it at times. Hayley was the first friend I made in college. And even though she is the crazy party girl and I'm the furthest thing from, we mesh. We make each other better. We love each other despite our differences.

"Is it really going to be that bad?" she asks quietly. She knows what a touchy subject this is for me. It took me over a year to even begin to share with her what happened that summer. And even with that she doesn't know every detail. For me that summer will never be real if I don't have to confront anything to do with it.

I raise my left shoulder in a small shrug. "Hopefully not."

A petite redhead appears in the doorway of my room, or former room I guess I should say. I don't want to say I am bitter about Hayley filling my room for the summer. I know she needs to, an apartment in the heart of Chicago is not cheap. I just didn't think she would find someone so fast. A girl likes to think no one can live up to her. And that someone won't steal their best friend.

"Hey Maxine," I wave half-heartedly. I still don't see why Hayley chose her. She seems shy, and has barely said anything to either of us. Again I am no party child, but what Hayley and I do share is speaking our minds...and loudly.

She hugs herself as she speaks. "I finished bringing my stuff up just wanted to let you know Hay," she says quietly before turning back around and leaving.

"Hay?" I ask in a questioning tone. "I thought you hated being called that?" I say with a fake smile to cover up the sudden jealously that fills me. Can this summer really change everything? Will Maxine fill my best friend spot? I hate feeling insecure. I never let myself usually, but today was a day for unusual emotions.

Hayley's face twists, and I know she is annoyed. "Gray, don't be like that. She needed a place to stay. She is really sweet once you get to know her. Don't be that way," she pauses as she stands from my bed. "And I never said I hated being called that...it's just not my favorite," she shrugs. She then twists her hair quickly into a messy bun, and turns towards me with her hands on her hips.

It is a rare day when Hayley Mollgram is the one playing the mom role. And I guess today is one of those rare days, because I'm feeling more like a child as the day progresses. I take a deep breath, and stand up next to her and pull her into a hug.

"I am sorry. You are just my best friend and soul mate and I don't want to lose you," I pause. "Especially to some ginger who looks like a gerbil."

"Grayson!" Hayley exclaims as she pushes me away with a small laugh. Her face trying to cover her amusement and give me a stern look. She's used to my rude sayings, but I sometimes still shock her.

I yank her back to me, and give her one last squeeze. "I'm going to miss you Gray," she whispers as she takes a step away. A small tear hangs on her cheek, but she quickly wipes it away. She isn't one with emotions, even with me. She would rather go out, take a shot, and dance away the emotions. Where as I just bottle them in, and never let them show. But for some reason we are each other's weakness, we confide in each other. We really are sisters. "No one can ever replace you Gray. You are my one and only. But Maxine needs a place and a friend, so be nice. You might be surprised that you actually like her." She jabs me with her elbow.

I make a face at her. "Whatever, you know I'm not good at making friends."

She lets out a hard laugh. "You don't say, I thought you were a pretentious bitch when I met you."

I stick my tongue out. "And I thought you were a crazy slut, so it goes both ways babe," I say as I wink, and smack her ass.

She shakes her head as she chuckles. She grabs two of my duffels, and I grab the others. We both pause as our eyes meet, tears watering both of our eyes. Two years we have been together. Every break, weekend, and day of the week we spend together. I still can't believe we don't hate each other by now. But she is my sister, and it sucks to have to leave her for a whole summer. So much can change. I don't want to miss her crazy stories, the random nights when we just drive around, or when we sneak onto the rooftop and look at the stars. I just don't want to come back and feel left out. I know it's a juvenile thought, but I can't stop it from running through my head.

"Nothing is going to change G. I love you." She blinks away her tears as the words leave her mouth. I want to believe the words, but for some reason I doubt them. I can feel change, and I can't tell if it will be good or bad. But I push the feeling away, hating the thought of any change.

A small smile touches my lips. "Love you more," I pause and add, "Hay." A big fat smile coating my face just to annoy her.

She shakes her head at me before saying, "Lets get your bags out before I throw them out the window."  She leads the way out of our-now just her-beautiful loft apartment. I'm just happy stupid Maxine didn't follow.

* * * * *

5/10/15

"EASTON 20 MILES" the green sign reads as I fly by on miles and miles of flat interstate. I have my windows down, with the wind flowing through my golden locks, and the radio blaring Taylor Swift's newest single. The drive is over sixteen hours, so I stopped once in Tennessee to rest for the night at a hotel. But considering I'm by myself the drive isn't as bad as I initially thought it would be. I like being alone with my thoughts. Being able to eat shitty road trip food and not feel bad about it. And even scream at the top of my lungs to awful pop music, and not have anyone to tell me to turn it down.

No, road trips are not a bad thing at all. They're liberating, and I feel free.

I hear my phone buzzing so I quickly roll up the windows half way. Turn down the radio, and grab my phone and swipe my finger against the screen. I hold the phone up to my ear with my right hand. "Hello?" I answer.

"GRAYSON!" I'm met with the squeals of my sister, as I pull the phone away from my ear with a cringe. Sometimes I can't believe she is two years older than me with all of the squealing she does.

"Yes Bailey?" I ask trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice. I know she misses me, and I honestly do miss her. We used to be so close, but after that summer I pulled away from everyone. Including my best friend and sister.

"How far away are you? I can't wait to see you! Agh! I am so excited! I have so much to tell you!" Her words come out fast and loud as I again cringe at her voice. When we were younger I used to make fun of her for her squeaky voice. She hated it. The parents pretended they didn't agree.

I put my right turn signal on as I merge over to Exit 23. I turn left, and I know what will be greeting me in less than thirty seconds. And there it is. A huge bright blue sign that reads, "WELCOME TO EASTON. THE TOWN OF MEMORIES."

The irony is so palpable in that moment I think it might reach out and slap me.

I let out a shaky breath. "Just passed the sign sis."

I hate that he had to ruin this place for me. I used to love coming here with my family in the summers. This place holds so many great moments in my heart, and it sucks that one big memory had to stomp the rest of them out.

But he won't ruin today, I decide in this moment. I can taste the salt in the air, and already feel the heat on my skin. This is also my home, and he won't ruin this for me. This is my chance to reunite with my family. It has been four years, and I refuse to let some stupid boy who won't even be here still dictate my life.

I ignore the babbling buffoon also known as my sister, and hang up on her. She will only be mad for a few seconds. I just have to take everything in. Every shack, person, and stranded flip-flop. I roll the windows back down and turn the radio as loud as I can. The feeling of freedom rips through my bones, and lights my veins on fire. It has been so long since I felt this feeling of total abandon and pure bliss. I don't want to let it go.

The fear of this trip is gone, and excitement fills my every cell.

I round a corner before pulling down our street. A street unlike any other. Rows and rows of beautiful beach houses lined right up against the sand almost touching the shore. It's breathtaking.

Quickly I pull into our long driveway noticing my sister's car, and another one I didn't recognize. I ignore it knowing she brought a friend, and slightly pissed again Hayley couldn't tag along. I hop out of my car. I look up at the two story beige house with a million windows looking. Everything looks the same from all those years ago, and that instills a sense of comfort. Change can be scary.

A smile lights up my face as I skip up the front steps, and whip the door open to the smell of lemons. I'm immediately giddy knowing mom made fresh squeezed lemonade, which is my favorite. I run to the fridge while also grabbing a glass from the cabinet by the fridge, and yell, "BAILEY!"

I grab the gigantic jug of lemonade and place it on the counter. I dig for ice for my glass out of the freezer. It is so weird how at home and natural I feel here after a four-year hiatus.

I hear footsteps descending from the stairs behind me. "Sissy!" she squeals and I roll my eyes at her childish language.

I glance over my shoulder. "Hey Bai, you excited for the summer? What's the big deal about coming here? Everyone is okay, right?" I ask her as I finish digging up ice. I'm going to have to get my dad to fix the dispenser, because it is way backed up.

"Yes, everything is fine," she pauses. "Can you look at me Gray?" she asks as her voice climbs an octave and I grab a lemon from the fridge. I begin to slice it to add to the drink. Our family takes lemonade very seriously. Bailey and I always used to have lemonade stands, and no joke we would rake in some serious cash. My mom's lemonade is famous in this small town. It honestly is the perfect drink for a day at the beach. Well now that I am older so is a pina colada, but I will settle with the non-alcoholic drink for now.

"What's so important? Hey do you want a glass also?" I ask. Though I already begin to grab a glass with a slight pause wondering if her friend wants one also.

I open my mouth to ask Bailey, when she cuts me off. "Come on Gray, just turn around I have to show you something!" she's now whining. Seriously you are twenty-two Bailey, act like it.

I smirk as I say, "Unless you have a huge rock on your finger and a hot guy on our arm I'm going to finish making some lemonade for us." I laugh to myself. The last person she was talking to was some pompous ass that went to Yale, and that was almost a year ago now. We have both been severely single lately.

A throat clears, and it sounds male. "Well..." Bailey trails. No, I think. She has to be lying! Could she really be?

"What?" I ask confused as I grab both glasses, which look beautiful if I do say so myself.

I turn around.

But what catches my attention isn't my sister's bright blue eyes. Or the gorgeous rock that lies perfectly on her left hand, like she was born to bear this type of jewelry.

No, what catches my attention is the hand she's holding. What catches my attention are bright hazel eyes. He catches my attention, because I haven't seen him in years. Four years to be exact. He catches my attention because he is still so handsome, and even more so now.

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. I think over and over hoping it won't and cannot be true, even though it's blindingly obvious.

She pulls him closer as she looks up at him. "Gray, this is my fiancé Cale. Cale, this is my sister, and soon to be maid of honor Grayson," she says with a little squeal of excitement. My blood freezes, and my heart stops at her words.

"Fuck," slips out of my mouth as the glasses of lemonade slide through the grasps of my fingers, and smash into a million pieces on the floor.

Life sucks sometimes.