Is this thing on

Turn on voice to text

Damn you turn on voice to text

Are you on? Are you fucking on, robot voice? Because I can't text and drive at the same time

Whatever, I suppose I'll trust in the fates. It's not as if this is incredibly important information, though I'm sure you'll disagree with that, you obsessive nerd

I'd like to make it clear that I intended to get every one of the flavors you requested. I even found that Pomegranate Superpowers Fruit or whatever the hell it's called. On my honor, I had them all, I kept the receipt and everything

Get out of the fast lane you're going twenty miles per hour are you having a stroke get out of the fast lane

Ah shit did that send too

Whatever

Anyway I still have most of them but the organic apricot and the blueberry are lost to us

I'm fairly certain they were stolen actually

And I already have a suspect

Logan are you there

whos the suspect

The phone just chimed and I'm assuming it's you

Hold on I'm pulling over

Not getting pulled over I've managed to avoid that so far this year

What the fuck who the hell are you

wrong number

whos the suspect

You'd know if you weren't an impostor, you villain

It's my brother you've never met him

how do u know

i could be his best friend

i could secretly live in his house

i mean i don't 

but i could

If you secretly lived in my brother's house he would have killed you by now

Even I, the most perfectly heroic person I know, am not immune to his power

whatever princey

so ur brother stole ur smoothies

No, it was Crofters he stole

u mean the jam

Well yes

what kind of moron buys 20 flavors of jam

What kind of asshole responds to a wrong number with insults and mockery?

Do you kick puppies too, heartless stranger?

Do you even *have* a heart?

yeah but it's a black hole which eats all light it finds

my face is a black hole

Your face is a 

Damn you

heh

I'm deleting this number

be our guest

Don't quote Disney at me

If that was indeed a Disney quote

Agh why am I even continuing this

Goodbye forever you dreary stranger