R0

Totally worth it

"Come on! Why- Aargh!" Max doesn't even bother finishing his sentence while he throws his controller away after another loss.

"I'm just better than you, mi amigo," Carlos says with a small smile on his face. I can't help but feel a little bit jealous. I haven't got any of any sort of smile today (and yesterday, and the day before...) from the Spaniard. I convince myself it's nothing and Carlos is just too focused on winning tonight's FIFA tournament and that's why he totally ignores me today. I sigh, but seemingly nobody cares since I don't get any reaction. Daniel arrives from the shop and drops a bag on the table. It hits the wood with a vague kind of crunch.

"What did you buy?" I ask, eyebrows risen.

"Did you get the pizza?" Max asks without turning around, since he and my boyfriend have started another FIFA match again.

"No, I said you we couldn't have pizza, it's only a month until we have to race again, honey," Daniel says while he embraced the Dutchie from behind. He scratches his chin through Max's hair, and although Max doesn't say anything, I see a happy smile creep over his face. I sigh again and walk towards the table. When I open the bag, I have to smile. Lettuce, bacon, pasta, paprika; all the ingredients for my favorite kind of salad.

"Did you know I love this?" I ask while holding up the pasta and lettuce. Daniel turns around. He points at Carlos and says:

"Carlos told me so, I hope I bought the right bacon?" I nod happily and walk over towards the couch. Carlos' fingers move so fast I barely can't see what happens and the tip of his tongue sticks out a bit from concentration.

"Thank you," I just say when I embrace him from behind and nuzzle my head in the crook of his head.

"Huh?" Carlos says, but a couple of seconds later he seemingly understands and relaxes a bit in my embrace, although his fingers are still moving rapidly. I kiss my boyfriend's temple and sink in his manly scent. Carlos cringes however and slowly moves out of my arms like he has done more often lately. "I'm sorry," I hear him whisper, but I act like I didn't hear it, although a stake is currently stuck in my heart. I straighten my back and walk towards the kitchen, in which Daniel has already started cooking.

"Can I help you?" I ask, my head still with the strange behavior of my former teammate. That's probably why I miss what Daniel says and only a couple of seconds later realize he is offering me a knife. "Sorry, what?" I excuse myself and Daniel chuckles.

"I said you can cut the paprika if you like." I grab the red vegetable and start cutting it in pieces. While my hands move methodically, my thoughts start to wonder. I try to think where it went wrong, at what time Carlos decided he didn't want me anymore. I try to think why, but all I eventually end up doing is staring at the black-haired person in the living room. "Lando, are you all right?" I hear Daniel ask and I nod automatically. Off course I'm right, there's nothing wrong with me. Daniel thinks otherwise and grabs my hands cautiously. He wrenches the knife out of my hands and it's only then when is see what has become of the paprika, which is now no more than shrapnel of vegetable. "Come Lando, let's sit down for a bit."

"Yeah, maybe that's a better idea than letting me destroy your cutting board," I grin when I see the deep cuts I made in the plastic.

"Don't worry about that. It's Max' anyway," Daniel says and he winks. I can't do else than smile, but deep inside I crave to have what they have. To have just a nice relationship, to love each other.

"I simply don't know if Carlos loves me anymore." When I see Daniel's face change to pity, I realize I actually said that last bit out loud. I sigh and bury my face in my hands. Daniel grabs a chair and sits down next to me, rubbing my back soothingly.

"Why exactly do you think that?" he asks softly. I try to explain the lack of smiles and kisses, the escaping out of my embraces, the cold nights when Carlos turns away from me in our bed, but my words got drowned out by silent sobs. Daniel starts to rub harder and I lean towards his touch, glad to be touched again by someone, although not the someone I want to. I still have buried my head in my hands, so I startle a bit when someone kneels before me and lays his hands on my knees.

"Don't worry Lando, Carlos still loves you very much. He looks at you when you don't watch him you know?" Max says calmly and his voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Really?" I ask with a small voice.

"Off course he does. And when you embrace him, don't you notice how he always relaxes a bit?" I nod cautiously. Daniel is right, off course he's right.

"But why does he escape that same embrace only a few seconds later?" I ask when I lift my head up. "If he really loves me, why does he act like he's not?" I ask and real tears nearly drop out of my eyes. Daniel kneels besides Max and entangles his hand with Max's while his other hand rests on my knee.

"We don't know, Lando." I see on Daniel's face he really is sorry for me and I smile. I have at least someone left who cares about me.

"But we know he loves you and that there must me some kind of reason why he acts so weird lately," Max adds.

"Maybe you should talk to him, ask him what's wrong. We won't disturb you two if you want some privacy. Max and I will just stay in the kitchen and close the door. Sounds like a plan?" I take a deep, but still a little bit shaky, breath and nod.

"Yes, that might be a good idea, thank you boys," I say and pull the two boys in a hug. After a few seconds, Max brakes the hug and pushes me to the doorway which leads to the living room. I walk through it, trying to come up with an opening sentence. My thoughts get disturbed however when I see the couch is empty. Surprised, I look around, to see if I can find Carlos. I don't see anything, but when I listen closely, a voice with very Spanish accent drifts towards me from the balcony. I walk towards the curtains, wondering with whom Carlos is talking.

"Yes, yes I understand," I hear Carlos saying, seemingly on the phone with someone. I start to backtrack immediately, since I don't want to invade his privacy, but the next thing Carlos says let me freeze in shock. "No, no Lando hasn't noticed anything." I suddenly have to swallow something big in my throat. Who is Carlos talking with? "I can't do that to him, I still love him, although you say otherwise." Carlos voice sounds weak and vulnerable and all I want to do is run through the curtains and embrace the Spaniard, but I am still frozen in place. "Yes, maybe you're right, I think it will hurt him less if I just leave him now instead of lingering around some more." I don't notice I'm crying until a salt taste fills my mouth. He will leave me. He loves me, but will leave me anyways. I can't think of any reason to do so instead of him getting another one. I try to think who he or she can be, but my mind doesn't cooperate. It also doesn't notice Carlos is coming back until it is too late and he is already standing right in front of me. His eyes widen, but then he blinks and smiles, albeit without his eyes.

"Who were you talking with?" I ask, my voice as cold as ice.

"What do you mean?" he asks and he scratches his neck.

"The someone on the phone, who you just told you would leave me!" I don't realize I am screaming until my voice echoes back into my ears a little bit too loud to be just talking volume.

"I am so sorry, I didn't want you to find it out this way," he says. It hurts me that he doesn't even try to keep up the appearances anymore. I blink the tears out of my eyes and before he can say something, I rush out the apartment, ignoring the surprised glances of Max and Daniel, who apparently came out of the kitchen because of my screaming. I rush to the elevator and push on the down button like a maniac.

Its only when I rush out on the street, I notice I don't wear any shoes. The narrow streets I walk through are cold and windy and the ground is still wet from the rain this morning so soon my feet start to prick form the cold. I try to think were to go. I don't know Monaco that well, but my feet lead me to some stairs. I climb up the many stairs and suddenly arrive at a dead end. It is a viewing spot for the many tourists Monaco normally has, but now it is empty but of one car. The owner is nowhere to be seen, so I conclude this is the perfect place to brake.

My eyes fill with tears and my legs fail to bear my weight any longer, so I collapse on the cold stones. I roll up like a ball and start to sob. My whole-body trembles because of the sobs, but I don't care. There is no one to see me anyway. I don't know how long I lay there, but when my tear ducts are completely emptied, my back hurts from the strange position it is forced into. I don't care however and just stay lying. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest, cut the piece out which was reserved for love and thrown my damaged heart into my body again. When my mother was telling me stories about heart breaks, I always laughed at her and said I wouldn't feel so and just moved on with my life. Well, now I know I was wrong all the time. I can't imagine how to live further without Carlos.

"Hey, Lando, are you all right?" The anger about the stupid question expels the pain for a bit and I manage to sit upright.

"No, I'm not," I snarl, but I suck the words right in when I see who exactly is kneeling besides me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask Mattia.

"Just looking at the view and celebrating holiday for a bit." Wow, the world is small. From all the people I could have bumped into, it happens to be the team principal of my boyfriend. Oh no, not boyfriend anymore. I sigh and stand up, still a little bit unsure. Mattia helps me and I lean against the low stone wall.

"So, Carlos has told you already, I see?" Mattia asks softly and I nod without thinking.

"Or actually no, I found out when he was phone-calling," I say and Mattia nods understandingly.

"Yeah, that must be hard for you, I'm sorry," Mattia says and I manage to smile.

"Don't be sorry, you have nothing to do with this anyways." Mattia looks at me with a confused look on his face, but eventually lifts his eyebrows and starts to walk away.

"Well, success with coping this loss. I'll see you on track than," he says and smiles. I look at him when he steps into his car and drives away, leaving me alone at the viewing point. My shoulders drop when he turns the corner. He didn't cheer me up, but at least manage to get me up, so that's something. I start to walk and my feet bring me back to the flat of Max and Daniel. I don't want to be here, but I haven't got any other place to go so I just ring the bell. When I get no reaction, I sigh and sit down against the wall. My brain can think again, so I try to cope what had happened the last hours. Or shall I say the last months, because since the season has ended, Carlos is distancing him from me. I sigh again and my thoughts wonder towards Mattia, who was very helpful today. Suddenly, I realize something and I jump upright. How could Mattia know Carlos has left me today? He didn't even know about us in the first place, or did he? I pace back and forth on the sidewalk and try to think if we ever have told Mattia we were a couple. Before I can come towards any sort of conclusion, three voices come floating at me from a rose somewhere besides me.

"I don't know what to do guys. Thank for helping me looking at him, but I think he's gone." I freeze when I recognize the voice as Carlos'. I need to be angry with him, but he sounds so desperate and guilty and weak and vulnerable and exactly like he was on the phone that I can't. My mind races at top speed while the voices are nearing. Why would Carlos sound like that if he wanted to leave me all the time? Why did Mattia know we had broken up? It didn't sound like Carlos had done anything else than looking for me after the phone call, so how could Mattia know? Carlos rounds the corner right at the moment I understand what had happened. Carlos walks at me cautiously, as if he thinks I'm going to run away any second.

"It was Mattia," We say it at the same time; he very guilty and I sighing from relief. He didn't go out with someone else, Mattia told him to break up with me, and while that still hurts a hell of a lot, I can't blame Carlos anymore.

"I'm so sorry, cariño, I should have told you, but I didn't want to give up my dreams." Carlos still stands a couple of meters before me, his head down, eyes staring somewhere before my feet. Everything at him screams guilt and the last bit of anger leaves me. I walk towards him and carefully pull him into a hug. He is nervous at first, but soon melts in my arms and truly relaxed.

"Mattia thinks we aren't a couple anymore. I bumped into him and well, he saw me at my worst in ages, so I think he is convinced you have left me. If we keep things secret, we might be ok. I want you back so badly!" I whisper and Carlos looks at me. His face shift from worried, to unbelieving, to happiness and finally to love. I've missed that face so badly I sigh from relief. We stay standing like that, our warmth assuring each other we will be ok.

"But to keep it secret, we might have to kill Max and Daniel, since they know," Carlos whispers back and I can't do else than laugh.

"Maybe that's a bit too violent," I say and I cup his cheek with my hand, my finger rubbing his stubbles softly. I kiss him and he kisses back with so much passion that my legs almost succumb for the second time this day. I manage to keep me upright however and say: "And besides, who is making pasta salad for me and finally defeating you with FIFA tonight if we do so?"

"Who says I'm going to be defeated?" Carlos says with a naughty smile tugged on his face.

"Oh, want to prove me wrong?" I say with a smile as naughty as his on my face.

"Max, we have decided we will not kill you, let's play Fifa!" Carlos shouts and we both turn our head at Max and Daniel and I decide that this day is totally been worth all the pain when seeing the shocked look on their faces.