14 June 2015, 11:30 am

Depressed. It's been a month since I entered conscription. At first, I was kind of looking forward to this, honestly. I did not want to be sad over it like every other guy. I mean, it's something we were supposed to do anyway. Then why be sad over it? But it's been a month and my training period was over now. And the feelings of loneness and irritation had started to seep in slowly.

I was a guy who used to sleep in silk beds and now I am sleeping on a hard floor. All my awesome hair was cut short. And the most irritating of all, everyone keeps staring at me. It's like each of my actions is being monitored. Thankfully I had decided to do really well and so was good at all the physical stuff. But I did not have any friends here. I mean there were a few guys I was close with and they called me 'Hyung' or 'WooHyun shi' and talked normally with me and all. But it's still just been a month and they were like apprehensive to be closer to a celebrity, I guess. And some weirdoes wanted to be my friends just because I was famous. I did kind of feel like I was put inside a zoo.

So I was kind of feeling all down.

But as the first weekend after training approached, everyone was eagerly anticipating visitors. Those guys who had girlfriends were bragging about how their girls will be coming to visit them. And those people's bragging further depressed guys with no girlfriends. That included me. All I could feel when some guy got up and left to see his girlfriend was envy. I don't even have a girlfriend to come to visit. Along with me, all the single guys were looking at those guys with envy.

"Kim Woo Hyun." My name was called all of a sudden. I looked up. "You have a visitor." The army officer said to me. And my face brightened up. I jumped up and almost ran to the visiting area. I knew who it would be. Because there was no one else to come see me than her. And true enough, YuBin was waiting for me at the waiting area. It was like some light was placed in the darkness in me. She waved at me. I could not help it. I ran to her and hugged her. Tight... She was startled for a second. But I held on. I had missed her.

"Hey, people can see." She said to me.

I let go of her. People will just think of us as 'Hyun-Bin' siblings anyway. Nobody cares.

"Do you know what state I am in?" I asked her. "I don't want to be here. Do you know we have to wake up at 5 am here? 5 am!!! And then run around for an hour. And do who a lot of training. And sleep on the hard floor. And everyone is staring at me."

She smiled empathizing with me. "But we can't do anything about it. It's something you have to bear through if you are born as a male in South Korea." She said. "So be strong and bear with it."

"Cruel," I said. "Can't you please console me or something? I don't want to be here. Take me home with you..." I stepped closer to her with a crying face. She could not help give a short laugh. "Are you a child?" She asked. "You had got so mature lately. But it seems like you have got back to be a child in here. Total baby." She teased me.

"I don't care. I just want to continue being a baby. If I were a baby I would not have had to come here," I said. "So...mummy," I pouted, "Take me home."

"Mummy?"

"It's true that you are my mummy, right?" I asked her. "My real mom did not even call me after I came to the army. And you come to visit. And you take care of me always. So you are my mom. So... Mom," I cried out, playing with her, and talked in a real child-like voice, "Hyun is having such a difficult time here." I just wanted to get more love and affection. So I acted cute. She laughed out. "Hyun got boo-boo here." I extended my hand to her where I had got a tiny scratch. "Please blow on it." 

He was being really really annoyingly childish. I looked up at him almost dumbfounded. But then it's not unusual for Hyun to act cute with me. In earlier years he had tried that many times to get me to be less strict with him. But in the past two years, I had thought he has become all adult and mature. He seemed to go back to age 20 in here.

"Quit with the cuteness, and here..." I extended the lunch box bag to him. "I have bought food for you."

"Wow..." he grabbed the bag at one and we sat down. He indeed was looking a bit too tired. Plus with his hair gone, it gave a bit of flaw to his looks. And he has become a bit darker. "I can't even fix your hair with your hair this short," I said, maybe more to myself, because my hands felt empty without being able to fix his fringes. 

I looked up at her. And I wished I had hair so as she can fix my fringes. And as I looked into YuBin's face, something triggered inside me. A longing. But I could not understand it. So I just looked back at the lunch box and began to open it. And a smile came to me. "You are my mom for sure. It's all my favourites." Every single item inside the lunch box was something I had been craving for days. "Even my real mom would not know my favourite foods as you do." She is just being the best in her job. But that made me feel good. Made me feel special and taken care of and happy. Cosy and comfortable. Like I was receiving a lot of love.

I was again really glad that I have YuBin. And then to my surprise there started a new feeling inside my heart, a wish that if YuBin was indeed mine. Like in every sense. As a girl. Mine.

It may have had a lot to do with the fact that we were surrounded by a lot of reuniting couples who were doing similar things as we did. A Hug, the guy complaining to the girl about the life here, the girl bringing food for him. We did the same. So...I began to feel strange inside. 

He had gone back to looking mature. And he was staring at me. "What happened?" I asked. He shook his head and began to eat.

I tried to push that thought away from me.

"Why are you silent?" She asked me.

I shook my head. I concluded that I am probably feeling this was just because I am in Army. Because of the lonely feelings in me. I will feel different when I am out of here. I will definitely feel different when I am out of here. These were just mild confusions that will go away eventually. This is just brief confusion. I need not think over this much. 

21 August 2016 (a year later), 11:30 am

"Kim Woo Hyun Byungjangnim, you have a visitor." The officer called to me. [Byungjangnim: second level army officer]. I smiled as I walked to the visiting area. My heart spreading with the usual happiness. It has been a year, still, this happens. I get a smile when I hear she is here. Lately, it feels like I am just waiting for the days when YuBin comes to visit. I did not want to admit this to even myself. But in the one year, whatever that happened on the first day she visited did not go down. Those feelings just grew stronger as time passed.

But still, I really did not want to think about those or admit to them. Or actually, maybe even I was not fully aware of or conscious about these. It was still just unclear mild feelings.

Plus the constant thoughts were these - even if I kind of think about her a lot often nowadays, and that may indicate that I have feelings for her, why would YuBin even look at me. She was way above all that. She deserved better than me anyway. Even if like her seriously, maybe she won't even give a shit. Why in the world will she ever like a guy like me anyway? She considers me a pain in her ass. I am irresponsible and childish. She is mature and intelligent and awesome. I did not want to end up rejected and mess things up with her. And also I did not have enough confidence to even bring up that topic with her. Coz she can get scary when she is angry. Plus I was in the army. It was okay to feel the emotions, but nothing in the romance area can start when you are in the army anyway.

However, above all these, I was still just confused about my own feelings. Nothing was certain with me. Because what I felt for YuBin was different from what I had felt for other girls. Han SoWon was over the world cute. I knew she was cute. Hyori was beautiful as well. In earlier cases, I reacted to the physical appearances of the girls. This time it was not that way. I did not mean that YuBin was not beautiful. But my heart was not reacting to her physical appearance at all. It was her actions. Or her care towards me. Or to the fact that she was the closest person to me.

And I was still confused that this all may still have very much to do with the fact that I was in Army. The place can get you lonely and full of guys only. It can make you crave for female company. Coz dude, just seeing guys 24*7 for one year can get you crazy. Dudes can be such animals. And for me who had been in the company of a female for all these years, I am craving for her female touch care, even though she is not exactly the typical caring and loving female person. And since she was in front of my eyes and near me for all these years all this while, and now she is not, it's obvious that I will miss her. So the feelings for her inside me were confusing.

"Hyun aa..." She waved at me as she saw me. My heart again got warm at the sight of her. I sat down with her as she put the food she bought for me in front of me. I slowly began to open the boxes. "How are you doing these days?" YuBin casually asked.

"I am fine," I said.

"You are not really complaining lately." She said.

"Hm. I have adjusted to the life here." I said eating the food she bought. "And it's something a guy should endure. And if we think about it it's not that difficult either. My energy level and physique have improved a lot. So training is not that difficult these days either. It's kind of exciting in a way as well. Do you know I handled even a real gun? Like I held it in my hand and shot it. That was so damn thrilling. And I have got a lot of friends as well. So it's not lonely either." It still gets a bit lonely here though. But I did not want to whine to her. Lately, I just want to show a mature manly impressive side to her. It was strange because sometimes that felt like I was trying to impress her.

"Oh... Kim WooHyun has become so mature and all, huh?" She asked. "A total manly man." She was teasing. But I felt good. And I purposefully acted all cool and like that complement did not affect me. All that afternoon, I was paying attention to my behaviour and not being childish or cute at all. She should see that I have changed completely into a dependable, strong man.

And then it was time for her to leave. I feel this strange soft sadness whenever she leaves after visiting. I did not want her to leave. If I was outside in the real world, I could have stayed with her forever.

"You are get discharged in December, right?" She asked.

"Hm. Just before Christmas. Let's celebrate your birthday together." I said. I could not wait for that.

"Hm... Hyun aa... Actually, I needed to tell you something." She said. I nodded as if to say 'go on'.

"I...got a boyfriend." She said. Something felt silent and cold in my heart. Like 'thud', something fell down.
"Just there was this guy who used to like me back in High School. Back then when he confessed, I had told him I have never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I had gone to an alumni meeting of our high school friends last month. He was there. And we ended up chatting and he asked me if I would be interested in dating him now. And all my female friends from High school supported him and encouraged me to consider him. So well... I have a lot of free time lately at my hand since I am not working for you. So I thought...why not."

The hollow feeling inside my heart was not going away. I waited for it to go away. But it was not. And she was looking at me. I needed to react. But I was not reacting.

"Hyun aa...?" she called me.

"Eh... Congrats." I said. "Wah...I am happy for you." She smiled at me.

I watched her leaving after the visit, and I moved a hand over my chest because it felt like something was stuck inside. What was I thinking anyway? I felt kind of foolish. Humiliated. Confused about the pain. I felt a bit annoyed at myself to have let my emotions run wild. For some reason, I was really really embarrassed.

I lay awake that night, unable to go to sleep. It still kind of hurt. But then again, maybe it was better this way. But maybe it was better like this. I was never that sure about anything that I felt for YuBin anyway. Maybe it was my own misunderstanding. Maybe it was nothing. People get confused about their feelings about someone particular, all the time. Especially with opposite gender friends. I have too. Those feelings just come and go. We don't especially act on it. It will go away. It has to go. I can do this. It was never anything more than a mild confusion anyway. It was just nothing. Nothing special. Just a bit of confusion. But that confusion is over now. So...all is good.

But I was gladder that I was not foolish enough to tell her anything. I could not even imagine the embarrassment if I had and she said 'I got a boyfriend' after that. Or even a 'I don't like you that way Hyun, I never thought you will be stupid enough to like me'. That would be mortifyingly humiliating. So I convinced myself that it was nothing. And tucked whatever of those feelings left in me to a corner. It needed to be shut away. It's fine. I was not caught. Nobody knew. It's fine as long as no one knows. It's my personal secret.