20 February 2013, 9:30 pm

MinHo shi's hand was going inside my shirt as we were kissing. We were in his car. Parked in Han riverside. He was now kissing down to my neck as his hand squeezed my boobs under my shirt. "YuBin aa..." he hissed, in an intense breath. "I am going crazy."His voice was honest. He was indeed going through such intense emotions that he could not handle, and I could see a bulge in his jeans. But I was thinking how he had dropped the honorifics for me for the first time. He used to call me 'YuBin shi'. Just now he has said 'YuBin aa...'. That meant I was getting closer to him in his mind. Dropping the formal speech and being casual is breaking a major wall between a couple and going one step further. He started undoing my shirt buttons. But I was thinking how difficult it will be to do that in a car. It's such a cramped space. How in the world will we manage?

He grabbed me closer as he buried his head to my shoulder and he took a breath and shivered. Desire, I understood.

My mobile in my jeans pocket began to ring as he started kissing my neck while his hand went into my jeans. I hesitated for a second, but my mobile was ringing. "Eh..." I said, slightly pushing him off me. "My mobile is ringing," I told him.

"Ignore it." He told me, kissing my neck more as his fingers traced over my clit.

"No. I can't." I said. It could be an important call.

"Don't pick up." he already ignoring me, he took my hand and gave it to his already hard di*k.

"I can't so," I pushed him off from me. He looked into my eyes, taking his hands off me. "Are you serious? You want to pick up a phone call now? Like in the middle of this?"

"Yes," I said.

"YuBin aa please..." He clutched my hand. "I am going crazy. I can't wait... You know I can't." Yeah, his dick was damn hard. But...

"That's your problem," I told him. His face went pale as his expression changed. I opened the door of the car and stepped out, and took the call. It was from the director of the drama Hyun was currently working on. "Yes, Khamdongnim..." I said and walked a few steps away to get privacy.

Behind me, I heard the car door open and close. I turned back. MinHo shi had got out of the car and he walked away to the edge of the river. And I was talking to the director, I watched Minho shi take out a packet of cigarettes and smoke it while looking into the water. He smokes a lot. I did not like the smell of smoke coming from him.

By the time I finished the call, he had finished one cigarette. I walked to him to the edge of the river bank. He turned to me.

"Let's end this." He said.

"Huh?" I was confused. "End what?"

"Let's break up." He said.

"Suddenly?" I asked. What did I do for this to happen? Was taking one phone call in the middle of a sexual activity that much of a crime? It was one phone call. "It was the director's call. It was work. Important. He was telling me that the schedule of tomorrow's shoot has changed."

MinHo shi came closer to me. "YuBin shi... Do you know that you are really really cold and emotionless? Sometimes I feel you don't even have a heart." He had switched back to formal speech. And what he just said did not feel good. I blinked. "I feel like I am being with a machine." He sounded really hurt. "It feels like there is a wall between us, and I can never overcome that wall. And it feels like all you care about is work, work and more work. You are cruel to me. And emotionless. It feels like you think about work even when we are being intimate. You think of work while we have sex. I don't want to be with a girl who does not feel it while I am touching her. This feels a whole lot one-sided. Do you even feel good when I am touching you?"

I have not really thought about that. Sex, the penetration still hurts. But I always thought that I did not mind the thing before it.

It hurt to be called a 'machine'. I was not. I was a human. I had emotions too. "You are making me feel lonely as hell." He said to me. He was so turned on a few minutes back though. Then how was he lonely. "Let's break up." He repeated.

There was nothing I could say. I did not want to ask him to take me back. It hurt though. I did not want things to turn out this way. I had thought he and I will be together for a whole lot more time than this. I liked him, sort of. But I could not speak up. I was just staring at him. I did not want to beg with him or say sorry because I was not sorry. I did not feel sorry. I took a work call. That was no crime.

"Insensitive cruel woman." He said to my face. "I wonder what I was thinking when I fell for you."

Now he was just being cruel. I was not some machine as he had said. I was a human. He was the first guy who had touched me that way. He was the first guy who saw me naked. I did not feel 'nothing' towards him. I liked his unclean look and intellectual attitude. I liked the messed up hair and crumpled cheap cotton shirt and stubbles and that silly moustache. I was NOT a machine.

"So you don't like me any more now?" That was what came out of my mouth. It was not what I wanted to ask him or tell him though. There were other things. But this was what I ended up asking.

"I liked you for real," He was saying, and his eyes lined with tears. "But I regret that now. You are just emotionless. Workaholic does not describe you fully. You are just a machine."

"Machine." The word hurt me again.

"Yeah," he said. "And I don't want to be with a machine anymore."

I nodded. "Fine then..." I said.

"Is that all?" he asked, sounding really hurt.

I nodded. And he stepped back nodded. He looked really hurt. "Okay then... This is it. Bye... Take care of yourself. And...bye." He walked off. I watched him go. He got in his car and drove off, leaving me alone on the river bank.

After the car was out of sight I let out a breath. I felt really sore inside. Like there were a million tiny cuts inside me. I was not sure what I felt for MinHo shi. Maybe it was never love or anything. So I thought this will be fine. I don't feel hurt. I was not crying anyway. But still, there was this strange pain.

His fingers were in my pants just a few minutes back. And I had not disliked that or anything. And now he was gone? Like this???? Forever? How can a person you have gone to that intimate physically simply be away from your life in a second? That kind of did not make sense. And then I felt I could not breathe, and I realized it was because I was holding back tears. I did not want to cry. Not for him. Or should I cry?? He was my boyfriend for two months, and we slept together and all, and now we are broken up. Should I be crying? Won't any normal person be crying??

But I had not even cried at my brother's death.

Tears felt humiliating to me. I held them back.

Then my mobile rang suddenly. I looked at the screen. It displayed 'H'. I took the call.

"YuBin, YuBin," Hyun's voice was really cheerful. "Where are you??"

"Why?"

"Eh...Just. I was bored. And hungry. Hungry and bored." He was in a good mood though. "And Hyori has some shoot and she can't come. And I did not want to go out because I feel really lazy." He drawled. "So can you please buy me some food and come here?"

"Hm. What would you like to have?"

"Chinese." He said. Chinese food is his favourite.

"Okay," I said. The pain had seemed to hit a pause button. It was not gone. But at least for now, I had a purpose and something to do.

10:45 PM

I sat on Hyun's house's couch eating the noodles I bought with Hyun and watching a comedy movie on TV. Hyun had got excited at the sight of the food. And thankfully he had not noticed anything different with me. He was now laughing really hard at a joke in the movie. I was still not crying or anything. It more or less felt numb now. I was not in love with the guy or anything anyway for me to be sad and brawling over it

11:45 PM

I did not realize but I fell asleep.

1:00 AM

There was a machine. Black. Big. The kind with a conveyor belt and big, big gears and parts. And it was working... It stayed there moving its gears. And I felt strange. The pain was stinging now. And there were flashes of unkempt messy frizzy hair, stubble and his eyes. It began to sting again. I had thought it was okay. It will be okay.

His hand was moving over my naked body. And suddenly everything began to feel dirty and it was excruciating painful. And then again there was the machine still working silently, unaware of everything, emotionless, cold...

I gasped and woke up from the nightmare.

I was sweating. And my mouth felt dry.

And I realized that I was still sleeping on Hyun's living room couch. Right, I had fallen asleep. But then I realized that now I had a pillow under my head and a really comfortable blanket covering me. Hyun had probably put them there. I was a light sleeper, so I could imagine how carefully he may have moved my head and put the pillow under it. And the blanket was over me, carefully tucked in. That one second of the image of Hyun covering me with a blanket soothed all the pain in me. And then the tears came. Just because of how warm that blanket felt on that cold night. It felt soft. It felt like care and love...

I realized it only after one drop of tear fell down to the pillow. And so I closed my eyes and clutched the blanket closer to me. For some reason, it had Hyun's smell. It soothed me. It felt like I was in his embrace. And it helped me to fall right back into sleep.