19 August 2018, 4:00 pm (one week later)

MinSeo Nuna opened the door of her house for me with a smile. I was supposed to have dinner at her place that night. It was Sunday evening and Nuna had a day off.

"Come on in...."She said as I handed her the wine I brought for them. She lives in a really luxurious house, even bigger than mine, coz her husband was a rich second generation from a well-known business family.

MaeHyung greeted me in the living room. He was dressed in a golfing t-shirt and pants. [MaeHyung: 'brother-in-law' for guys. Girls should say 'Hyungbu'.]

He grabbed my hand in a friendly handshake.

"The last drama was really good," He told me.

"Did you really watch it?" I asked, coz he is really busy.

"No." He grinned sheepishly. "I could only see a couple of clips online. But what I saw was good."

I laughed.

"Have prepared barbecue in the back yard." He told me. "The weather is just right for a barbecue." He commented. "Of course," I told him. "I will help you with it."

5:00 PM

While we were fixing the charcoal for the barbeque, MaeHyung got a business call. I told him to go ahead and take it. And he left. Nuna was sitting down at the garden seat drinking the wine I brought from a wine glass. I was done fixing the charcoal, so I went and sat by her. I had something to talk about with her.

"Nuna..." I called her cautiously. I don't have any direct siblings. And I grew up in practice halls and the entertainment company office since age 11. However, before that when I was a child, MinSo Nuna used to play with me and take care of me. So Nuna was always kind of a real elder sister for me.

"What is that constipated expression?" She asked me, joking.

"I have something to tell you," I said.

"Okay." She turned to me, listening.

"YuBin's baby... It was mine."

"What?" her face filled with shock. "You said it was not..."

"Sorry. I lied." I looked down.

"Have you gone mental, WooHyun?" She pulled me by my hand to get closer. "How could....How did...?"

"It was not a mistake. I mean the pregnancy was an accident, but sleeping with her was not. And it was not like I did something bad to her, or forced her. I like her." I was being honest. I wanted to tell this to Nuna. And if I can't admit to being the baby's dad even to my own sister, I can't ever admit to other people. I did not want to keep being a coward.

"She had said it's not a boyfriend."

"I know. But that's me. And since she is my manager..." And we were never really involved. Nuna was keenly looking at me, analyzing my expression.

"You really like her?" She asked me.

"Yes. I am going to marry her."

She looked even more stunned now. "What?"

"Well I have not talked to her about that but... I will. Marry her, that is."

"Like you will take responsibility for her and what you did. Is it something like that?" Nuna asked. I nodded. I was honest. She kind of smiled. "Well, I can say with pride that you are my brother then." She hit my arm in a 'you did well' way. "I am glad you told me. And I am glad you are owning up to what you did. Not rUnning away. And by the way..." she punched my stomach, it was painful. "Ah..." I said. "Have you never heard of something called a condom?" She asked.

"Nuna..." I rubbed my stomach. It was a painful punch. "I was drunk. I don't remember half the thing."

"What? Drunk?" She was even angrier now. "Just come here? Just come here...Let me just finish you." She flung her hand over my head and caught me in a headlock. "Ah... Ah..."

"Nuna...Nuna...Nuna... I am sorry." I patted her hand, and eventually, she left me. We sat back down with a laugh. But I was glad that I opened up to her. I had felt terrible after YuBin asked me if there was anyone in the world to which I can say honestly that the baby was mine. I did now. So I felt better.

"Take care of her, okay?" Nuna told me. "We were worried for her a bit."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well." Nuna appeared concerned.

I snapped into attention at once. "What happened? Is she okay? Is there something wrong?" I was worried.

"She is fine," Nuna said. Oh, thank god. "At least physically. She is fine." She said.

"Physically?" I asked, now serious.

"Hm... Did I tell you that we were going to get her to talk to our psychologist as well? Coz people often need a bit of counselling after events like that, for them to deal with what they went through."

"Yeah. You told me" I said.

"Well, Dr Song MinAh did talk to her." I waited. "And well... It's not alarming or anything. But we are just a bit." She made a concerned face.

"What is it?" I wanted to know.

"Anyone who has gone through something tragic or through a severe loss tend to go through these phase of self-blaming and guilt."

"I do," I told her honestly. I knew we can't change the past. Our baby is gone. But... I can't stop these constant internal thoughts that are 'only if she had taken more care', 'only if I knew about the pregnancy in time', 'I could have protected the baby', 'only if we were more careful'...

"I can't help regret and think 'only if we were more careful," I told her truthfully.

"That's normal." She said. "But I don't want you to blame yourself or her, WooHyun. What's done is done. You can't change the past. There is nothing that you could have done differently."

I nodded. But it may take me a bit of time for these feelings to go away. I still feel a sting of pain about the miscarried baby. I did really really regret that I did not know about its existence until after we lost it.

"She seemed really fine though," I still feel a bit of resentment towards her because of that. "She seemed not to care about the miscarriage. And that's okay. She is just like that. She is not the emotional type. She is way too strong. So I think she is okay."

"Do you seriously believe that she will be totally completely okay?" Nuna asked me like I am not making any sense. I felt conflicted at the tone of her voice.

"Just because someone does not show it outside does not mean they will be completely okay inside, WooHyun." She sat closer to me, "And...YuBin is also a woman. No matter how strong she is, she lost a baby. To have carried a life inside you and to lose it... Do you have any idea how they may feel? The whole responsibility of the life of a fetus depends on the mother. What will the mother feel when she loses her baby? No matter how rational you are, no matter how strong you are, there will be doubt and guilt left somewhere that you are responsible. Even if it was just misfortunate accident mothers feel that way. In YuBin's case, it was her fault because she did over-work and did not take care of herself. Dr Song was telling me how YuBin feels responsible deep down, on a subconscious level."

She does?

"I feel sorry for her. The poor girl has to take care of a family all on her own. For all these years. How stressed she will be. No matter how much strong she is...she is still just a human. And on top of everything something like this happened." Nuna said. "And you say she is okay. Are you sure she is okay, Hyun? Are you positive?"

I did not know. And I did not want her to be not okay. It hurt me.

"Please take care of her," Nuna told me. "The girl deserves a break. A breath of fresh air. At least a holiday. Take a few days off. Give her a few days off as well."

"She is the one who makes me work all the time," I mumbled. But not anymore.

Yu Bin has lived all her life for others. She never does anything for herself. She does not even buy some clothes for herself. And her first priority is always someone else – me or her mother and sister. But not anymore. My girl needs rest and peace and a bit of fresh air. And if she doesn't agree to take some rest on her own, I will make her in my own way. 

10:15 PM

I yawned as I lay on Hyun's house's couch. His couch was really soft. And the script I was reading was really boring. It was making me sleepy. Why does writer Ms Jin write like this? It's super boring. So this script is not happening anyway. I dropped it to the floor and picked up another one. Hyun was getting pretty late. This script was better. But I was feeling sleepy anyway. So I did not realize when I fell asleep.

I woke up hearing the front door open and shut. I sat up yawning. Hyun came in and was surprised to see me. "When did you come?" he asked casually, folding his shirt sleeve properly.

"Earlier," I said.

"I told you I was going to the dinner at Nuna's house."

"I know," I said. "I thought it will end by now." There was the smell of barbeque and charcoal and tasty meat coming from him. And of a bit of wine. "Seem like you had a nice meal," I said. He smiled.

"You should have just stayed home." He said.

I was feeling jittery. And since Hyun's last work was over, and he is free now, I was feeling double jittery. I always feel uneasy and jittery in these times between works. I just need to find him the next movie or next drama to work on for me to feel assured.

I went and collected the five scripts and synopsis from the table and went to him. "There are the better ones. One is from Kim JaeHyun chakkanim [chakkanim : writer]. And another from Han TaeRi Chakkanim. Both are awesome. Next is a movie by Lee MinGuk Khamdongnim [Khamdongnim: Movie Director]. And another one by Yoo SunJae Khamdongnim."

"I am not going to do any of that." He told me plainly.

"Huh?"

"I am planning to take a break."

What the???

"Why?"

"Just..." He shrugged. He was looking really cool about it. Relaxed and all.

"Hyun aa..." I cried.

"What? It's been ten years okay. And except for the one and a half year I was in the military last year, I had been working this whole time." He said. "And even my conscription time was decided by you and Taepyonim. I have every right to take a break," he said.

"But this movie is really good. If you don't accept it, it will go to someone else."

"I don't care. I am not going to work. And you can't make me. I have decided already. I really really won't work." He stressed, in his relaxed naughty tone. "I have warned you already. If you go agree or promise someone that I will work, I won't. I am not going to turn up. It will be a disaster that you have to take responsibility for. And I have already warned you." He added again since he clearly knows me. "I won't care if we get in any trouble buying your stubbornness. I am not going to take another work for now. And that is it." He seemed to really mean that. I guess he is in a bit of a rebel mode. He sometimes gets those and doesn't obey me no matter what and go do things on his own. It's better to just let him be at times like this.

"You really want to take a break?" I asked him. He nodded.

"Okay," I had no other choice. "What are you going to do taking a break?"

"I will go on a vacation."

Huh?

"Really a vacation for only myself. I deserve that after all these years of work. So I am going to go relax for one week or month in someplace where nobody knows me. Some tropical island or something... How about the Maldives? Or Bali? Or Tahiti?"

"Are you going alone?" I asked him. He has a whole set of staff consisting of stylists, and make-up artists and everything. And he has never gone on anywhere alone.

"Yes. Alone." He said. "Along with my manager."

"Huh?"

"I said I am going alone with my manager. Just alone, but with my manager. Because I am a star and I can't travel anywhere without my manager."

"Your manager is me," I told him.

"Wow. I did not know. That is news to me." He laughed. He is asking me to go on a vacation. Most of the time when we have been abroad it had been for some shooting or work. So I would be with him along with all the other staff, and we would mostly be working.

"So Tahiti decided okay?" He asked me.

I was still considering it. Does he really need a vacation right now??? I will feel uneasy if we don't work. And Tahiti is costly.

"I will go anyway." He said. "You can't stop me. You will come here one day and find me gone. And I will go there and maybe get in some trouble with someone or something. You won't be there to take care of my mess...you know... To control me, or keep me in limits." I was feeling apprehensive already. There was no way that I was going to let him go on a vacation alone. I will feel nervous all the time even if he makes no mistake. He is a star. He can't go without a manager.

"Are you going to let me go alone?" He asked, looking at me.

"No. When should I book the tickets?" I asked. And he gave me a triumphant smile.

20 August – 10 September 2018

It took about two to three weeks for us to prepare for the holiday and book the flight tickets and reserve accommodation. The place does not need a visa. So there was no hassle.

But actually, I was excited to go to Tahiti. I consider the place as paradise on earth. I had never been there. But have seen it on TV and in videos and photos. The place is so breathtakingly beautiful that I had always, always wanted to go there. But I was like, how can I go with my living conditions. It's so damn expensive that I can do so much with that money. But Hyun can afford it. That much money is still expensive even for him. But he can still afford it. He is one of the richest actors in South Korea. And he can earn the money he spends on this vacation in about a couple of months if he works hard enough. I did not feel guilty to be going on the vacation with him, because well, it was he who was going on the vacation. I was just going with him as his manager, just doing my job. It was part of my job. So I did not feel like I was slacking off or actually going on a vacation.

So the two three weeks were spent while we just relaxed and did some shopping; online shopping, because Hyun would not even move from his couch or bed. He was behaving so lazy. Not even wanting to go out to meet his friends or eat out. We ordered food in the house. And I was again all jittery coz I had really nothing to do. I mean I still get a hundred calls a day asking if he is available, and I have to answer them and tell them he is taking a break for now.

But then finally it was time to go. 

13 September 2018, 9:11 AM, Tahiti:

Crystal clear blue water, and amazingly beautiful vegetation – Tahiti Bora Bora island was actually paradise on earth. We arrived in the morning and were received at the resort with warm smiles and garlands. The air was fresh and cool and smelled of the sea.

It was seriously awesome in many ways that I can't even describe with words.

We freshened up and went to the beach immediately, and I was even more awestruck. How can someplace so beautiful even exist on earth???

And all this while I had been busy running around in the streets of Seoul, breathing in the pollution and fine-dust and exhaust gas. But now, this moment, even standing here in this awesome great place, even for just one minute, made me feel like maybe this is why we live for.

"How is it?" Hyun turned to me.

"Oh... Stay there." I told him taking out my mobile phone. "Don't move." He blinked. But with the background and the lighting, he was looking awesomely handsome. This was not to be missed. I took my phone camera. "Smile," I said. He smiled, and I clicked a shot.

Awesome. It turned out really good. His brown hair was falling over his forehead making him look carelessly handsome, and his simple white t-shit mixed with this background was too much perfection. And those eyes are to die for. I stared at my phone screen with pride and affection. "I should upload it on Instagram," I mumbled and went and sat down at the seats on the beach. Hyun joined me, as I was uploading the photo.

"Does your phone still have my account in it instead of yours?" He asked sitting down near me. It's not been that long since we opened an Instagram account for him.

"Of course. Coz I mostly I manage your account. Who posts your pics? I do." I finished uploading his photo to his Instagram account and scrolled through the past photos. All came out really well. Mostly I manage his Instagram account. Take his photos and upload them. I can't do it if his account is not on my mobile. Sometimes Hyun take selfies and upload them from his mobile. So both on his mobile and my mobile, the Instagram account open is 'K_W_Hyun~'

"What about you?" Hyun asked, "Don't you have an account yet?"

I shrugged. I am not that much of a social media person. I do have a Facebook account and have my old school friends on the friends' list. However, I don't post anything. I don't even have time to check Facebook anymore. And my life is spent mostly managing Hyun's accounts anyway.

"When was the last time you had your photo taken?" Hyun asked me.

"Last week. You took a selfie with all the staff members, remember?"

"I mean, alone."

"Why would I take a photo alone?" I asked confused.

Wow. Seriously. There was a limit to things okay...? I took her mobile from her hands and she looked confused. "What are you-?" She was confused, but I turned around and took the camera, with just her in the frame. "Smile."

"Huh?" She looked confused.

"Smile, or else this dumb look will go online now," I warned her. She smiled a bit confused and forced. But that was enough for now. I turned around and took a selfie with her and uploaded both photos in my Instagram account on her mobile with the title 'My dear fans, please give all your support for the lady behind the screen who always do all the hard work. #ManagerYUBIN.' All of my fans knew her anyway. I have had the same manager for the past ten years, and I have even spoken about YuBin in a few interviews. Everyone knew that she is YuJin Hyung's sister and so I have a special bond with her, also that we are kind of family. And that's what it irks me though. Even when everyone knows that we were close, no one really cared about us being close. Everyone just assumes that there was no way at all that we will ever be romantically involved.

For example, there had been an incident when I had casually hugged a female co-actor, just out of friendship, and our hug got caught on paparazzi camera and the next day news was Kim WooHyun may be in a secret relationship. It was a mess that YuBin had to run around to take care of. Thankfully she is good at cleaning up messes like that so it never got out of hand. But at the same time, again there was a time I had casually hugged YuBin, and a fan took a photo of it with her mobile and uploaded it on the internet with the title 'WooHyun Oppa, YuBin Unni siblings. They are so cute.' And everyone was like 'Yeah, they are so cute, and we love our YuBin Unni' 'their friendship is real' 'friendship' 'friendship' 'friendship'. I mean some even went so far as to call us 'siblings'. They mostly refer to us as 'Hyun-Bin Siblings'. Nobody care if I hug her publically or something, because we are and always will be just 'friends' and never anything more. But I guess it is a bit normal. Because we had been together for ten years and nothing happened for ten years, and everyone knew YuBin is a really, really professional person. So it's natural that they feel assured that there is nothing possible between us.

Even now, in the next five minutes, our photo had a few hundred comments, and most said, "YuBin Unni, we all love you. 'YuBin Nuna, looking cool as always, 'YuBin shi, is the best, 'Iron lady, Kang Yu Bin', 'World's best Kang Yu Bin', 'Yu Bin shi, love you'. Everyone loved her. I wonder how many of them will turn their back to her if they find out if I have feelings for her. Their love and affection for her hold only till I don't think of YuBin as a girl. Or else, the last time I had dated RinAh, a minor actress, people were like 'what does he see in her', 'she is so ugly', 'Our Oppa deserve way better than her'.

This is graver than I anticipated. We were on a vacation. Me and her alone. A guy and girl. Yet they had no damn concern over that. Do they really consider us siblings or what???

I sighed.

But to hell with what people think. Coz it's fine as long as I like a person. Actually, I don't like the fact that people think it's okay to have an opinion on my life and who I should like. That's my life. They should stay away. Of course, I am grateful to my fans that they like me and support me. However, I am a human and have every right to love whoever I want to love. But then, they all think they knew me enough and just because they really like me and want my success can dictate my life and have a say on whom I should be with.

I have lost a few girls I had liked sincerely because I was conscious of public opinion. But I can't even mildly risk that happening in YuBin's case. I just don't want to care what people may say about us.

Actually, I never had much luck in the area of romance. I could not date the girls I really had feelings for; so I dated the girls who liked me but broke up eventually in the end. First, there was Hyori. Hyori was the first girl I had officially dated. It lasted for about a year. Before Hyori had a serious crush on a girl who worked part-time in the Mart in front of my apartment complex. But she got a boyfriend and I was in a mild heartbreak for a while. The world felt gloomy and nothing seemed to be able to make me feel happy. That then Hyori showed interest in me. The physical stuff with her was good. I mean, I was never a jerk to her. I did try my best to be a really good boyfriend and did anything I can to serve that part. But in the end, after a year Hyori ended up telling me that she slept with another guy. She did say sorry and was guilty about it. I felt hurt, but I did not blame her deep down because I knew that she knew I did not really 'love' her.

After Hyori, I was single for a while. But then there was this actress I had acted in a drama with EunSu Nuna. She was 3 years older than me and quite a graceful actress. We had a lot of intimate scenes in the drama. And while at all that it somehow ended up in an off-screen relationship. However, when we both moved on to different projects, we agreed to break up as we realized we had just been confused about the feelings because of the characters feelings for each other. But we did date for three months and kissed and slept together and all. I did think that we were in love or something. Only after a while, I realized that we did not really match well together. EunSu Nuna was seeking a mature composed and dependable guy. I realized I cannot fit the picture. So we broke up.

In my opinion, both these relationships were not really solid enough for me. I could not feel anything internally. It hurt when Hyori cheated on me, it hurt when I had to break up with EunSu Nuna. But it did not hurt enough. It did not hurt nearly as much as when I found out YuBin lied to me and betrayed me. I guess that was the most I had been hurt ever in my life because of a female. And so, at least for now, YuBin was the girl who actually made me feel something inside my heart. And I did not want to let go of her. Or more than that, I have a feeling inside me that maybe YuBin and I were always meant to be together.

There was no other way that we would have ended up with different people. That seems logically impossible. We have been through the ups and downs of life together for all these years. She had stayed with me in good and bad times. And if I had ignored that and been with another girl...somehow that felt unreal or illogical.

Maybe it was always decided by destiny that YuBin and I will end up together.

Because YuBin as well never had any luck in romance. The longest she had been with a guy was four months. And those jerks always left her. I wanted to punch them. I don't know much about the third guy because she dated him while I was in the army, and the first guy was insignificant; but the second guy...god, I still wish if I could just go back in time and punch him. Asshole. He slept with her after 1 month of dating and then broke up with her. Who does that? Plus it was not even like YuBin enjoyed the sex with him. What kind of a guy does not even know how to make his girl feel good??? Is it all well and good as long as he enjoys it?? I know this fact because YuBin has told me. She did have no friends back then, or even now. So she did discuss stuff like that with me. We were past that boy-girl barrier by that time. And she had always said that sex was not that enjoyable stuff for her.

21 April 2013, 9:11 PM

"You slept with him," I snapped at her while she was driving the van and I was in the passenger seat. We were 25. Going home after a shoot. And I was a bit shocked. It had just been a month since she started dating that guy.

"Hm." She had said looking mildly embarrassed, but not really caring. "It did not feel really good or anything. Why do people do it?"

"Didn't feel good?" I asked, confused.

"Hm. It hurt." She said.

"Hey, that's okay. It hurts for everyone at the first." I told her.

She nodded, looking really disinterested. "Even then, it was like," She made an 'it-was-just so-so' face.

"Isn't the guy the problem?" I asked. "Maybe he doesn't know how to...you know."

"Hm... Maybe." She said, disinterested as ever, or embarrassed to be talking about the topic with a guy.

I was dating Hyori at that time, and having a bit of sex to have a bit of knowledge about it.

-

But even after that incident YuBin always said it was just 'not-good' and 'so-so' for her even after that and don't understand why people do it. With the third guy as well.

And things never ever worked out for YuBin in the past romances either because her first priority had always been her work, her family, me... Which guy will stick around a girl who has no time for him and is always care more about such an awesome and handsome guy like me?

So I guess it was always meant to be like this way. YuBin and me. And it makes sense too. Us made more sense than any of our past relationships. This felt like what was meant to happen. Destiny. And certainly, we cared for each other more than we care about anyone else. So why try to waste time on other people??

And by the way, I never asked her how it was with me though. But something tells me it was not so-so. I could feel it. Our night was special.

"Hyun aa... Look here," Now she called me again as I was walking to our resort huts that are on the water. I turned to her and she took my photo again.

"Wow! That came out really well." She was happy over it. I smiled. I was happy that she was happy and smiling.

"Let's take it together," I said, taking the phone from her hand and standing beside her. I did not want her to be behind the camera anymore. She belonged beside me. With me. And when I turned to look at her, I realized why she mattered this much. What I felt for her, or feel for her was different than what I have felt for any girl in the past. With other girls what triggered feelings inside were on the surface things – beauty, or a smile, or their eyes, or their personality.

But YuBin...Whatever thesefeelings for her were, it had its root deep in my heart, really deep. It wasnot superficial. It had a sense of respect mixed in it. I don't really careabout her outer beauty, though did think she is beautiful. But I did not reallycare. My love for her is not related to that at all. It's related to her beingthere for me all these years. And it related to her being just her. And no one,just no one could ever, ever replace YuBin in my life. That was impossible. Andhence, she was not someone I could date for a while and move on. What I feltfor her was more real than anything. It made me want to be more mature andresponsible. It made me want to be a better human. It made me want to be anadult, and do everything that would be right and responsible. Be the guy shecan trust and depend on, and like. It was making me yearn for a life with her.I wanted to marry her and live together in one house and grow old together,have kids and all that. Be a family.   

14 September 2018

On the second day, we went to the main Island and got a yacht to go for deep-sea fishing. Hyun always had a taste for fishing. And the sea was so awesome here that he could not resist. And even in Seoul, if I can't find him anywhere on some off days, I can find him at someplace for fishing.

11:12 AM

I was taking his video while he reeled in the fishing road with a big catch. "Waah..." He was so excited about the big fish. "Hold it up," I told him. He took a look at me, I could see it through my phone screen. "Come on, hold it up," I told him. "We can upload the photo on Instagram." I had been uploading many of his photos on Instagram since last day and the comments and hearts on it are coming in like crazy. It's countless. The fans are digging this vacation so much. I now feel it really was a nice idea to have come for the vacation.

But Hyun suddenly came over to me and snatched my mobile from my hand. "What happened?" I asked.

"Don't you have anything else to do?" He asked. "I am watching this since yesterday. All this while all you do is take my photo, or video or upload it somewhere. We are here in such a beautiful place. How can your attention still be on just me?"

"No. I was just..."

"From today morning onwards, your eyes were on your phone screen, and your phone screen has me in it through the camera. Have your eyes shifted to look at something else than that?" He demanded. He was kind of right. But I had to take his photos and stuff to upload somewhere. That is social marketing.

"Your phone is confiscated from this moment," Hyun said.

"Huh? Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Have you gone crazy? The place is so beautiful. See it. Enjoy it. Be relaxed."

"Hyun aa, even then I should be doing my work. And I could get a call or something from Seoul for a work offer for you, so..." I tried to grab my phone. But to my horror, Hyun held it over the deck, threatening to throw it in the sea. I almost screamed...

"Do you want me to throw it in the sea?" He asked.

"No. No... Please don't..." I yelled.

"Then it's confiscated for the time we are here."

"But...."

He held it farther, closer to the sea.

"No. Please... Everything is in that mobile." I almost cried. "All the phone numbers and contact details of everyone. Of all the directors, writers, PDs... Come on, Hyun. That is my lifeline." My life was stuck on that phone which was held over the sea. If he even dropped it by accident we are gone.

"This is your lifeline?" He asked bringing the phone back inside the boat, and my breath came back only then.

"Yeah," I tried to grab the phone. But he held it away and threatened to throw it in the sea again.

"No. Stay back." He commanded. And I had no choice. He could have asked me to beg me on my knees right then and I would have done that, for my phone. "back, back." He said again, and I took another step back.

"Kang YuBin, this phone is not your lifeline. Okay?" He told me in a calm voice. "Just imagine this... I get into an accident and die tomorrow."

"What?" I snapped. "Why are you saying something like that?"

"No. Just imagine. I died." I did not want to imagine that. "What will you do?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Go work as a manager for another artist in the company maybe."

"Ha," he made a face. "You are really cruelly rational, right? I died and you will move on and work for someone else?"

"Then? I have to earn money." I said.

"I know. But... You won't die. Even if this phone is thrown in the sea and you lose it, you won't die. So it's not your lifeline. The phone should not be the most important thing in your life."

I was getting bored now. He did not really have any talent in convincing someone something. And I can be really stubborn about things I believe in. "Okay, I get, it.... So can I have it back now?" I tried to grab my phone. He held it away. "Told you it's confiscated."

"Don't be ridiculous, Hyun. I could get a call from home as well."

"I will message Yuri to call in my mobile if needed. You can always use my mobile to call home."

I tried to grab my phone by handing on to his arm; he is kind of really tall and has long arms. I could not reach.

"Or I can always still throw it in the sea." He said to me. That stopped me. He was serious about that. And he is capable of doing something that crazy. I knew him. So I backed away. He pocketed my phone.

"Now?" I asked him, feeling empty all of a sudden. I had nothing to do. And I was beginning to feel uneasy already. I am uneasy if I am not working and keeping myself busy. I can't just sit, relax and enjoy myself somewhere. I can't afford that. That is how I had been for the past ten years.

Even when I dated the guys in the past, while at dates, I always had my phone with me, and I will keep rechecking the schedule and adjusting time, and receiving calls and everything. For the past ten years there had never been a time when I was relaxed or not thinking about work, or just letting things be. I was thinking about work when eating, sleeping, dating...maybe even while having sex. There has not been a single moment when I was not Manager YuBin and not thinking about work.

No, wait... there was. One exception. That night with Hyun.

That was the only time, I was not manager YuBin. It was just me. Just me. I... really did relax, let myself just go. I did not think about anything. I had just let go of everything and did what I wanted to do. Did something only for myself. Felt the feeling of joy inside me, and did not feel guilty about that.

It felt like I was shedding an outer cover, and taking out something fragile, something in soft skin and flesh outside. I feel threatened and vulnerable without my outer shield. The hardness protected me like a shell or armour. I came out of it only for a few hours on that night. It was like a hermit crab or an abalone coming out of its shell and making itself vulnerable to every threat without its shell on it. Anything can attack it. Eat it. It can't survive without its shell.

But soon after that, I crawled back inside my shell. I needed it. It was my safe space.

And for me, the shell was my diligent dedication to my work. What keeps me going is my need to earn the money for my family. And the dedication to my work and the reputation of being professional and perfect makes me proud. So I found myself really nervous and uneasy without my phone.

"Do you want to try fishing?" Hyun asked me now.

"Me?" I asked. "Fishing?" I have never tried fishing. I have watched him fish but did not try. "I don't know how to," I said.

"Come on." He told me. "I will teach you. It's really fun."

He led me to the deck, and picked up his fishing road and gave it to me, and I held it. He came up behind me and helped me hold it properly. His closeness made me a bit nervous though. As Hyun's hand closed over mine to make me hold the rod properly, my stomach did a flip. His fingers were as cold as they were on that night. I almost said 'your fingers are cold'. But I bit down the words and did not let me utter them. Nobody needs a reminder of that night. It kind of confused me that he was not bringing that up and not talking about that. But at the same time, I was glad as hell over that. I was more glad than confused. I wish if things stay that way forever.

"How long do I have to wait?" I asked as nothing was happening.

"Until a fish bites the bait." He said. "You need patience."

Normally, I don't have patience. I suck at waiting for something. I mean if I am waiting anyway, I need to do something productive in the meantime. Not just simply wait. There are millions of things you can do while you are waiting for something. Learn a new language or read a book.

I was getting bored of this fishing already when I felt a thug on the string. "Oh... Oh..." I said in excitement and confusion.

"Reel it in..." Hyun came up behind me and took hold of the road along with me, and we reeled it in together, but something went wrong in the middle. I could feel the weight becoming zero. And there was no fish in the end.

"What the?" I asked. "Where did it go?"

"Eh... Guess it escaped."

"How?" I asked.

"Because you did not pull it in fast enough. You have to pull it in the right time, you know."

"But it had bit the bait," I said feeling really unfair. I mean I had felt the weight of the fish. It was really there.

"I know," Hyun said. I felt really dishearten. Like void. If it had not bitten the bait I would not have felt this way. But it had and I lost it. That felt really crap.

"Let's try once more," Hyun said. "You will catch it..."

I nodded. And we put the string back in the water. The thing about Tahiti seawater is that it's really clear and we can see the fish. So as a fish began to approach my bait, I will get excited. But I failed to catch it. Three or four times they bit the bait and I reeled in, and it escaped. I was really irritated when Hyun went down and caught a fish with his bare hands.

But then after like one hour or so, a fish bit the bait, and I reeled it in immediately. Hyun even did not help me reel it in, but I did it on my own. And there it was. Skipping and flapping on the boat floor. It was a medium-sized snapper fish. But it made me feel so excited that I could not contain it. I jumped up and down in excitement.

"Did you see that?" I yelled at Hyun. He laughed at me.

"Wow, this is seriously really good," I said. Fishing is fun. It's seriously good. "I want to catch more," I told Hyun. He was unhooking the fish, and he put it in the icebox. He got up and faced me. "Let's see who catches more." He said.

"Yeah," I grinned, energy filling me up.

Night

At night we returned to our resort in Bora Bora Island. We grilled and at the fish we caught. It was really delicious as it was really fresh. Hyun had still managed to catch more fish than I did. My mobile was still confiscated. Later I saw him put it in his bedside drawer and close it.

We had adjacent huts over water which had single rooms. There were other types of huts where one whole family can live in and more than one room. And there were many honeymoon couples and families in them.

There were glass patches on the floor of the huts, through which we can see the sea. That night, Hyun and I sat on the floor near that glass patch, watching the sea underneath, and just talking. It was still a crystal clear sea. Earlier we had seen a couple of stingrays pass through the water. It was so damn beautiful that my breath got caught in my throat.

Later I went to my hut and slept listening to the lashing of the sea and soft sea breeze. I felt peaceful.

15 September 2018, 7:00 am, (Day3 at Tahiti)

I woke up to the sound of Hyun calling my name from somewhere below me. That was the first time that he woke me up before me and the first instance of him waking me up instead of the reverse. I sat up rubbing my eyes and looked around and could not find him.

"Kang Yu Bin..." I again heard his voice and walked around wondering where he is. The voice was coming from below me. So I looked down, and through the glass patch, I could see him swimming in the sea below. I smiled amused.

I walked out to the balcony outside, there are spiral steps on the balcony that directly open to the sea. Hyun came up through the steps on seeing me. He was in his swimsuit. I had a bit of trouble keeping my eyes away from the abs.

"How come you woke up earlier than me?" I asked, looking out to the sea. I was still mesmerized by the sea. It was so blue and clear.

"Just... I could not sleep." He said. "It's so exciting here. It kept me awake."

I nodded. 

The wind blew on her hair. She had not tied it up. I wanted to move my hand through her hair. My inside tightened. It was kind of difficult to keep my hands away when she is so near me. But she was looking so relaxed and peaceful. That was enough.

"Do you want to take a swim?" I asked her.

"In the ocean?" She asked me, a bit startled.

"Yeah," I said.

"With you?" She asked again.

"Yeah," I said. Just be with me.

The idea of swimming in the ocean reminded me of a past memory of us. I felt like he was thinking about that as well. And the way he looked at me was making me feel weird. Everything put together was not the right time for me to swim in Ocean with him. That was too close. Intimate. Besides that, he is wearing only that swimsuit, I gulped...Nah. Dangerous.

"No. You go ahead." I told him. "I will see you later."

"But..." he started to argue.

"I am not in the mood now." I took the hairband out of my wrist and tied up my hair tightly. "And I am hungry."

He nodded. And began to go back to the sea by the spiral stairs.

"Hyun aa..." I called. He looked back. "Be careful," I added. "Don't go too far. Don't forget that you are precious and loved by millions. We don't want you to drown or get lost in the sea."

He grinned and gave a salute to me, and jumped into the water.

LATER

But later that day we went scuba diving though. Bora Bora island is famous for its scuba diving. But actually, you don't even need scuba diving to see the sea life. The sea is so shallow and clear that you can see it from above as well. But from below it was even more beautiful.

There were so many fish and coral. And stingray that swims past so near you...

Afternoon, we went out to the food and shop area and had the most awesome seafood. It was almost evening by the time we finished eating and we walked back. Hyun stopped at a street vendor who was selling accessories made with seashells and things.

"How much?" He asked the lady, picking up a bracelet thing. It was a black string with a tiny seashell in the middle. It was cheap enough. I was wondering why he was buying that when he took my hand in his hand and tried the bracelet to my wrist.

"What is this?" I asked him.

"Just... Because it looked pretty," he said casually and walked away. What's up with him??? I looked over at him feeling really confused. But just then the lady selling the accessories said. "Your husband is really handsome."

I was really startled. Almost jumped out of my skin.

"He is not my husband," I snapped at the lady in English. "We are just friends." Not even that. We have a professional relationship. But Hyun had turned back to us and had probably heard what happened.

"Boyfriend?" The lady asked.

"No. Just 'friends'." I clarified. But Hyun walked over to us and pulled me away by grabbing my hand while saying thank you to the lady.

"Why did you take me away? The lady was having a misunderstanding about us." I snapped at him. He looked a slight bit annoyed and mumbled, "Is it really a misunderstanding?"

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. I mean, why clarify? It does not matter what a stranger thinks about us, right? I am tired, can we get back to the resort already?"

I nodded.

8:30 PM

At night I was looking through my luggage for something when my eyes fell on the lavender sundress in my clothes. I had just brought it along for no reason. I mostly wear just jeans. Even after coming here I mostly wore just jeans. I had brought this dress online, before coming to the vacation because I felt I may need one. I normally don't spend money on myself. But there was a huge discount sale on the site.

And since I had nothing to do, I took it out and ran a hand over the dress. It was not a costly dress. The material was cotton. But the colour was really good. Maybe I can wear it to dinner tonight. Will that be okay? Won't it be weird to suddenly dress up??

But decided to at least try on the dress.

I put the dress on. The length came just past my knees and the fit was really good. I brushed my hair and left it open. It was looking okay.

There was a knock on the door and I went and opened the door. It was Hyun. His eyes travelled over me for just a second.

"Eh...we have to get dinner," he reminded me.

"Yup. Let's go. I will just change and come back."

"Why are you changing?"

"I was just trying it on."

"You look good. Don't change."

I hope I did not blush or something.

"Yeah, but it's just eating dinner," I told him.

"Oh shut up. You look okay..." he grabbed my wrist and pulled me along.

9:40 PM

After dinner, Hyun went like "I don't want to go back to the room. Let's take a walk." I was okay with it. So we walked through the beach. It was kind of weird because he was being silent. I felt really awkward in that dress and all, that I really had nothing to tell him either. It felt like a date or something. It was all fault of that dress.

"You look good, by the way," Hyun said. "You should wear something like these sometimes."

"Hm... I wear them at the award ceremonies." I reminded him. Each year Hyun has to attend various award shows and functions, and while accompanying him, I really can't wear jeans when everyone is wearing fancy dresses and suits and stuff. So I rent designer dresses and wear them. But, it felt weird to get complimented by Hyun like this. And this was getting way too awkward.

"But this was a great idea, right?" He asked me. "Coming here?"

"Yeah." I agreed. And my eyes fell on the sea again. And the wind blew in my hair. It was neither cold nor hot. "Really seriously. It's so so beautiful here that... I kind of feel contented." I was honest about that. "I feel like... I won't even mind if I die this moment, right here." And my eyes stayed on the sea. I wanted time to stop so that I can be here forever. And that was just not because the place was beautiful. It was because it was so far away. Nobody knew me here. It felt like I was free. Like I have come to another world. And I did not have that heavy burden on my shoulders. And also...Hyun was near me.

I could detect that Hyun's eyes were on me. But I did not want to bother about that. I wanted to melt in and become the seawater. Be here forever...

Her eyes looking at the sea seemed to be yearning for something. I have never seen her like that. She always seems to be confident and sure of what she wants. But now, I somehow could read her thoughts. And she was looking so beautiful looking at the sea, and her hair blew in the wind softly. My heart clenched again. I wanted to touch her.

But suddenly she turned her eyes away.

"But I should not die at this moment." She said, walking on. "If I die what about mom and Yuri?"

I was frustrated.

"Can't you just not think about mom or Yuri for a second?" I asked her. She looked at me. "Don't think about them. At least for now. Just be you." I stepped closer. "Just think about yourself."

"How can I do that?" She asked me. "They are my family?"

"To hell with family. What's the big deal about a family?" I asked. She looked offended a bit and curious as well.

"Sorry," I said as she looked offended. "It's because I don't have one that I don't understand their value."

"You have one," She reminded me.

"Yeah," I said with a frown. "They sold me off when I was 11."

"Hyun aa..."

"What? I grew up in practice halls and the Entertainment office. I knew I had talent, but it was always - school, after-school practice, and then more practice and then sleep. I have never even seen much of my parents. And when I debuted, they moved to the US. Now I don't really see them anywhere. At first, my real family was BLUE members, YuJin Hyung. And then now...it's you." 

He was sad. He looked sad. And I really don't like him being sad. And he was not even that wrong. His parents and he do have a kind of a gap. They are awkward with each other. Not like how parents and sons should be. So I felt sorry for him. And I felt bad and wanted to cheer him up. But I don't really know how to use sweet words and console.

But I have my way with Hyun.

"Do you really want to get that handsome face to turn ugly by being sad?" I asked in my strict voice. He looked at me. "Do you really want to be sad while standing in the middle of paradise? Just look around you. It's the sea. And sky and coconut trees... Come on... If you get sad in the middle of all this there is something seriously wrong with you."

He smiled a bit.

"That's more like it. I can't afford a sad WooHyun." I said. "Your market value will drop."

"Hey," he called offended. I laughed.

"You say honestly. You see me as money, right?" He asked frowning.

"Obviously."

He frowned more. I laughed. He tried to catch me then. I ran. It was fun. I was laughing. He was as well. He chased me into the sea. It was shallow water, so I could still run. But then I tripped and fell and got my dress wet. And Hyun was laughing at me. I got up in horror.

"You evil. This was my new dress..." I looked at my dress. And he was still laughing. So I felt angry and splashed him with water. He stopped laughing and splashed me back. And I wadded over to a deeper level and splashed him more. He came to me and we laughed and we splashed more, and I struggled with him as he tried to dunk my head in water, and I shrieked and he laughed, and finally... somehow....I kind of ended up pressed close to him.... And our smile vanished.

His eyes on me went a bit intense. And his breath was sort of held back. I could feel his stomach muscles tighten since they were pressed against mine. And he looked a slight bit nervous.

And as it happened that night I understood his eyes. He wanted to kiss me. It was plain in his eyes. And now, he was about to kiss me. He edged closer to me, his hand around my waist went tighter. The tip of his hair fringes touched my forehead. The water drops on them rolled down from my forehead to my cheeks. Our lips were about to touch. It was just an inch apart.

No...

Thisshould not happen. 

I wanted her so bad, that it hurt when she pushed me away and stepped back from me. I opened my eyes. She looked flustered. Kind of red. But I knew she had closed the door on me. She won't let me kiss her. She won't let me in. And it started to hurt.

"We should go." She mumbled. "It's late."

And she walked out of the sea leaving me there alone to stare after her.

YuBin had walked to her hut and disappeared into it closing the door.

I came back to my room and sat on the bed. I could not stop thinking about what just happened.

It was annoying and frustrating. At one end, I still felt that intense desire for her. But on the other end, I was sad and hurt that she pushed me away. Is even a kiss not allowed between us? Why?

If she is going to be like this, why did she sleep with me that night? Was it really just a mistake for her? No, right? I can see it was not. She loves me too. I know that. Then what's the problem??? Why is she saying things like we can be nothing more than a mistake? To hell with people and to hell with that they think. In the end, it's her decision and it is she who is deciding that we can't be together.

So I sat like that for a while and could not bear with that anymore.

So I got up and went to her room. 

Had just changed my clothes and taken a bath and dried up when there was a knock, or more like thumping on the door. I went and opened the door. It was Hyun and he was still dripping wet and looking really desperate and slightly angry. He stepped into the room before I could stop him.

"Why is it not me?" He asked.

"Huh?"

"Why can't it be me?" he repeated.

"What are talking about?" I asked.

"Don't feign ignorance, YuBin. Don't you know what I am talking about? You are a really smart and intelligent person, right? You even speak four languages." What has that got to do with anything? "You know what is between us, right?" He was going on. "I like you. You like me. Isn't that how it is?"

I looked up at him, a bit perplexed. And by the way, who said that I like him? He can't simply assume that.

"Then why can't we be together?" He asked. "Why can't I be your guy?"

"Don't be so illogical, Hyun," I hissed at him. "You are a top star and I am your manager."

"I know that." He said. "But why should it matter?"

"It does matter."

"It does not." He hissed.

"It does for me," I said and that silenced him a bit. "And it always will matter for me," I added. He looked hurt. "And why do you want to be with me?"

"Isn't that obvious?" he asked me as if I am making no sense.

"No. It's not. You are getting under emotions. I know you think you like me because of what happened between us. But you don't. I think you just feel responsible for what happened after. With the pregnancy and all. You feel guilty; I can understand that. You are a good guy. That guilt and sense of responsibility are triggering this."

"No, it's not." He said.

"It is. I know you better than you know yourself." I was sure of it. "Two people don't suddenly wake up and start having feelings for each other. If we had something between us it would have happened sometime in all these years. We had enough time to get romantically involved. But we did not. This is just your guilt."

He was staring at me with intense eyes. Whenever we have an argument I always win. Because I am more logical than him and come up with points that make more sense. And Hyun may be a good-hearted person, and handsome, and charming and cool. But he was never smarter than me.

"And I never meant to get involved with you in any way ever, okay...." I added. "I always wanted and needed our relationship to stay professional. It's not because I promised Taepyonim that we won't get involved. It's because I have a work ethic. I have respect for my job. And I wanted to keep my job more than anything. In the initial years, I had a feeling that if even something like that happens between you and me, I will not be more than a few days' interests for you, maybe a one-night thing. Or maximum for a few months. I did not want to put my job, my lifeline at risk for that passing feeling. I still don't want to." 

A few days passing feelings??? What does she think of me?

But I could not disagree that there was a point in her words. We were younger back then. I did not want to get serious with one person so much as to settle down with her back then. Something like marriage was unthinkable. She would always have been something more than a few days passing feelings. But if we date and broke up, her being my manager would have been awkward. I could totally understand why she won't want to risk that.

"We were younger then," I told her. "We are older now. Things are different." I said. "I just want to know one thing. What do you feel for me?"

"I don't feel anything, Hyun." His voice was calm. "Our relationship is professional. If we push it, at most, we are friends. We can't be anything more than that."

"Liar," I accused. I knew she had feelings for me. I could not prove it because I still did not clearly remember everything about our night together. Plus I was not as smart as her to come up with arguments. But I knew it.

"I don't like you that way," She repeated to me.

"Oh yeah. Really? Why did you sleep with me then?" I asked stepping closer to her. "If there was nothing there then what was that night? I was drunk. But you were not. I did not force you. You could have stopped me. But you did not. It was a rational decision 'you' took. Why did you?"

She closed her eyes infrustration. "I don't know. I might have gone crazy for a while." She said. 

I don't like to think about that night. I did not want to call it a mistake, but it was. I had gone stupid and let my guard down. I had gone weak for a second. When I started my work for Hyun I had taken determination that I won't end up as a one-time fling for Hyun. I was determined to never end up on his bed.

But as he said, we were older now. Things had changed. There were many years of a bond of trust and loyalty between us. Somewhere I knew that now I will never be a simple fling or one-night thing for him. He is a good-hearted person, if something like that happened between us – between 'us', he won't throw me away. He can't. Because he is just like that. Nice. And honest. And good.

But I was not. I was not that good of a person. I was not as simple as he is. So I crossed my hands.

"And sleeping with someone is not a ticket for a relationship," I said. "It was just a one-night thing. The fire of the moment."

He was staring at me. With those hurt eyes. "Fire of the moment? That is all?" he asked.

"Yeah. We went with the flow of things." I said. That was not a lie. It was partly true. "If it's about the baby, then it's okay. You don't have to feel responsible. The baby is gone anyway."I said.

He made a cynical sound.

"It is about the baby, right?" I asked. Because I was not sure if he would have been the same if I had not got pregnant. He has slept with other girls before. He never reacted like this when they left him. But then, of course, sex and pregnancy are different.

"It is about the baby," He nodded. "Coz apparently I don't like to put my offspring in more than one woman's womb. Is that too difficult to understand?"

It was not hard to understand. But I felt a bit uncomfortable at what he was suggesting by that. Does he...? I looked up.

"What are you suggesting?" I asked to make sure.

"Well, someday, not immediately but someday I also want to get married. Make a family, have kids...like any other person. And it's not like stars don't get married. They do, right?" Yeah. They do. True. "I am thinking I will do it with you." He said simply. I looked up at him startled. But his voice was simple and honest.

"Are you saying you want to marry me or something?"

"Yes."

"You've gone mad." Why would he say that???? I was feeling so confused right now about my feelings. Something did not feel right but there was some tiny nervousness inside me. And I did not know how to get out of this situation. But my first instinct was as always – 'protect, Hyun. Stop him from doing any stupidity.'

I tried to calm myself. "Okay, first off all, Hyun aa... You don't really like me, okay? That's your delusion. People get married to people they love. What you feel is a sense of responsibility."

"Maybe," He said.

I can't act on feelings. I need to try to be as logical as she is. Give her a reply that silences her logic.

I was surprised that he agreed to it so easily. "I know what I feel for you. I am 100% sure about it. I have a bunch of points in my mind to prove my point that it is not simply just responsibility. But let's not go there, and analyze your theory. Let's say that it is generated from a sense of responsibility. But even then if I chose to be with you, if I purposefully try to see you as a female, as my girl, that will generate enough romantic feelings in me to sustain a relationship. That's how it used to work in the old days when people met their spouses only after their wedding. Since I choose to be with you, I can be with you. And I will eventually start loving you." Then his face scrunched up, "Who am I kidding, I already love you, okay? You are YuBin. How can I not love you?"

I knew he loved me as a person. And he was a good-hearted human that he will come to love his wife even if he did not initially.

"It's different to love a person as a human being or friend than loving them as a girl, or guy," I said. 

I need to be logical with her. "You are a girl for me from this point on. Not 'human' girl. Just girl. Female. And we slept together once, you know. I can't even go back to see you as just a friend or just 'human' anymore. You are a girl. Total absolutely a female to me. We lept together, so am I not a 'guy' in your eyes now?"

She gulped and did not reply. Bingo. Got you on that, YuBin.

"You know that I am really simple-minded, right?" I continued, She looked at me like she agreed on that point. "So if I decide to love you, I can just love you. Without thinking anything else. I can just fall in love with you. That's how I am."

She did not disagree with that. She knew I was innocent and simple. "But this was just a counter-attack for your argument of me feeling 'responsible'. Though the responsible part is there, that is not the whole story. Even you also know that. Even if you try to deny that, you know that, right? That, that night...what happened between us, that it was not out of just physical attraction. And those emotions were not the heat of the moment. They did not develop just suddenly that night. You know that" She looked up at me. "For you also, it was not that."

She did not disagree.

"Earlier tonight as well. I did not feel that intense urge to kiss you because of a feeling of responsibility," She is not as stupid as to try to counter-argue on even that. But it felt like that she still doesn't want to open up to me. She did not want to accept me. "And if you really want to know I feel it's been a while since we had feelings for each other. Am I wrong?"

She was not saying anything. But that could be a good sign.

"And that is why my question is 'why'," I asked again. She looked up at me. "Why can't it be me? You also will find a guy and get married someday, right? Someday...So why can't that guy be me?"

She looked uneasy. She was still apprehensive.

"It shouldn't matter what someone else thinks or say about us. It's our happiness that matters the most."

"No." She said. "I don't think this is right. I think other opinion matters. Moreover, my opinion matters. And I can't imagine being in that kind of a relationship with you. I don't even have any intention to give it a thought. I don't want to be with you." She was looking into my eyes when she said that. And it hurt. It really hurt me.

"Kang Yu Bin..." I called her name.

"Hyun, it's my decision."

"Why?"

"What 'why'? Hyun aa, there are so many factors involved. And now please stop being immature and be practical. In real life, things are not as simple and one-dimensional as that. We are never going to work out. It's stupid, it's dangerous and irrational. Impractical. Immature."

"I don't want to hear all that." I wanted to know her feelings for me. I was impatient to know what she honestly actually thought of me. Did I really have a place in her heart?

"If you don't want to hear all that and think of those, just get this point straight that 'it's my decision', and that I have the right to reject your feelings, and I am. I am rejecting you. It's simple as that now. Now is it still difficult for you to understand?"

As a normal human, it hurt. Rejection hurts everyone. And it hurt a bit more because it was her. It was not easy for me especially because it was YuBin. Does she even know how much courage it took for me to confess to her? What all boundaries I pushed for to have spoken those words to her???

But... the fact was. I could not afford to step back and accept her decision and move on to another girl or something. We have come too far for that. And it was not just because of the pregnancy and the miscarriage, or my promise to YuJin Hyung, though those were huge factors. It was because of my own feelings for her. I did not want to let go. I did not want to move on.

I wanted to marry her. I still wanted to marry her. My heart wished to be loved by her. I wanted her to reciprocate my feelings. For her to look into my eyes and smile like she had on that night. Touch me like she touched me that night. I wanted to feel that I was being loved by her and that I had a place in her heart.

So I just looked at her. "So if that is settled," She looked at me like I should go out.

"No," I said. "It's not settled. I agree that it's your decision. But my feelings are my feelings, okay? You don't get to have a say on that either."

"What?"

"What I mean to say is that I am free to like whoever I want. And I will. Which happens to be you. You want to act 'mature' go on. I don't want to. I was not mature to begin with. My mind is free to like whoever I want to like. And whatever you do you can't stop me from liking someone. And I am going to continue liking you. And expressing it as much as I want. Double Quotes - 'expressing it as much as I want'. Until I grow tired. So either you will fall for me at the end, which is the very likely possibility, or I will get tired and give up on my own in the end." I stepped closer. "Let's see how that goes."

"You are insane..." she whispered. But I could see her eyes waver a bit in lack of confidence. I smiled triumphantly.