13 August 2018 (same day), 3;15 PM

I got back in the van. Hyun's next schedule was a meeting with an advertisement company director. I checked my mobile to make sure of the time. And Hyun seems to be on phone with somebody. "Hm Nuna... Thank you..." Hyun was saying on the phone. The time to go to the meeting was correct. "Okay, Tae Ho, Let's go to the advertisement company," I told him. But when I looked at TaeHo he looked a bit pale. And he did not start the van.

"TaeHo ya..." Hyun called him from the seat behind us. "Go to Tae-Han hospital."

I looked back at Hyun, confused. We were supposed to go to the meeting and he knew that. I had told him earlier. But when our eyes met, I could immediately detect that something is wrong.

"We have the meeting." I reminded him.

"Cancel it." He said plainly. "And Yoon Tae Ho," there was so much rage in his voice. "Didn't you hear me? I said, let's go to Tae-Han hospital. Now will you drive, or should I??"

I have never seen Hyun this angry. Hyun by nature never gets angry. I mean he gets irritated at situations like any human and sometimes does yell at people. However, he was not an angry person by nature, and I have never ever seen him 'this' angry. It felt like this is not the Hyun I knew.

TaeHo said, "yes, Hyung," in a troubled voice and started the van at once. I looked at TaeHo to get a clarification. He seemed flustered and nervous. My mind flickered for a second... And I looked back at Hyun, who had sat back and started to stare out of the window. He had a vacant stare... Like he was in distress. And his eyes looked slightly red at the edges of his eyelids. Like he had cried???

"Why are we going to the hospital?" I asked in general. I kind of knew though. Because the logical explanation was that Hyun knew.

"Nuna, I am sorry." TaeHo blurted out. "I could not keep it to myself... And Hyung insisted."

Oh damn... Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it....

I sat back, ad felt like all the blood is rushing out of me. What will I do now? What am I supposed to do now??? Think, Yu Bin...Think Think.... But there was no use now. my first instinct was to get angry with TaeHo. I wanted to just kill him. How can he tell Hyun? But there was no use in getting angry with TaeHo now. Because the secret was already out. I looked back at Hyun. He was still looking out of the window. And I could not come up with anything to say.

He will not know the whole case, right? He will just know what happened yesterday and what TaeHo told him, right??? If he knows the whole story, what the hell am I going to do??? What can I even do if that is the case? For the first time in my life, my insides began to fill with a brooding fear.

4:10 pm

We stopped at the Tae-Han hospital. I looked back at Hyun. This was a very big hospital. He was not going to do this. If he even gets out of the van people will surround him.

"You can't do this..." I whispered to him. "People will know. It will get big. Your name will come in. It will be a scandal."

"I have talked to MinSeo Nuna." He said. MinSeo Unni was his cousin sister. She was a doctor in this hospital. "No one will know. It will be a secret."

But...but...

He took out his mask from his pocket and put it on. Then he put on the glasses and a cap. His usual disguise. "Come on out," he said to me in an ordering voice. I had no choice.

5:00 pm

In a little while, I was admitted to the VIP room of Tae-Han hospital. The VIP room. Those rooms cost such a huge amount for just one night. Hyun and TaeHo were nowhere around and I could not even sit still on the bed because of nervousness and a jittery feeling of not knowing the exact situation. I had changed into the patient gown the nurse had provided me, and now I had to wait.

A nurse came in with a medical kit. "We need to draw your blood for a check-up, ma'am." She said, approaching me with a syringe. I extended my arm. She injected the syringe and started taking my blood. "Why is my blood being tested?" I asked.

"It's just for a routine test, ma'am." She said. "We were informed that you had a miscarriage. You may be anaemic because of the blood loss. We need the blood count. And you need to take lots of rest."

So they were informed that I just had a miscarriage. Okay...that still doesn't mean that Hyun knew the whole thing. So I guess I am still safe?

"Where is the guy who was with me??"

"He is talking to the doctor." The nurse said. "Is he some celebrity?" She asked me, I looked up and raised an eyebrow at her. "No...Just that he was wearing a mask and sunglasses... That's what celebrities do. And he was very tall and well-fit."

"He is my brother," I told the nurse. To avoid any unnecessary problems. "He had a cosmetic surgery lately?"

"Oh, okay... These days guys are also doing those a lot."

I nodded.

"Well, your brother must love you a lot." She said. I was confused. "We have heard from the doctor that he requested us to provide the best service for you. And make sure we do every test and make sure your health is in the best condition."

A kind of uneasy sticky feeling crept into me. Why is this scaring me more than bringing any positive feeling?

"Can I go see him or the doctors? Coz I really don't need to be here." I told the nurse. "I am okay. Fully..."

"We were also informed by that guy that you will say this and try to get out or do some work. We were asked to make sure you take lots and lots of rest. And I recommend you take some rest, ma'am. Your body went through a whole lot. You need rest. You may not know, but abortion also needs as much rest as childbirth needs. On top of that, it's a mentally traumatic event as well. How do you feel mentally? The psychologist can take a look at you if you are feeling any kind of..."

"No. No. No..." I blurted out immediately. "I am fine. I am totally fine. Physically, mentally...whatever way. I am fine. I can just go home."

"Ma'am. You are not fine." The nurse said. "You need rest. So please lie down and take rest." She said. "The doctor will check on you in a while."

She left the room. And I was left to lie down on the really soft and large bed in the VIP room. It was a bit too much. I mean, VIP room?? It had flower vases, a big LED TV, a couch, an air purifier and a fridge and stuff. And it was over the top big with a luxurious attached bathroom. I felt really out of place there. It was way too much money and luxury for me.

In a while, two female doctors came into the room along with Hyun. I knew one of the female doctors. Because she was Hyun's cousin sister, MinSo Unni. I had met her at her wedding and a couple more times.

"Hello, Yu Bin Shi..." She greeted me with a smile. I sat up, nervous. Hyun was not even looking at me.

"This is Doctor Jung," MinSeo Unni introduced me to the other doctor. "She is in charge of Ob-Gyn here. And she is my really good friend. You can really trust her."

I nodded nervously. I was still not sure of all this. If someone sees Hyun here, and find that he is here for his manager who has a miscarriage, people will start talking. They can even arrive at the worst conclusion that he made me pregnant and then forced to abort the baby, or abused me over it that's how it got miscarriage. People can tarnish his image in seconds. So I was really really nervous and apprehensive.

"You can trust me," Dr Jung said to reassure me. But I was not reassured.

"Hyun aa," I addressed him, "I am really okay. I am really fine. Can't I just go home?"

He just stared at me. And there was anger and a sense of betrayal in his eyes. Even a slight hatred. And pain. A lot of pain. Hyun has never looked at me that way. I was not even sure Hyun was capable of looking at someone that way. And then I knew... He knew. He knew it. And that was enough to silence me. I did not know what to do now.

"Please make sure she gets the best service," Hyun asked Dr Jung.

"Of course." She said.

"She may try to quit or run away like this." He said. "Tie her down with a rope if you must, but make sure she takes rest for a few days."

"Yes," Dr Jung said. "She needs rest by the way. We looked at her blood test. Her blood count is really low." She looked at me and added, "You are anaemic. And over-worked. That is not good for your body at all."

I felt like I am being locked inside a cage like this. I know they all were doing it for my own good. But still...I didn't like being here in the hospital.

"I will give you some sedatives. It will help you sleep." The doctor said. "You need it more than anything right now."

"But... I don't want to sleep." I shook my head.

"Miss... Come on." Both the doctors looked at me like I was being a problem child.

"I will talk to her," Hyun said. I looked at him. He was looking at me with strict eyes. "Can you two please step out for a second and let me talk to her."

They nodded and walked out. I jumped out of the bed at once and faced Hyun.

"Have you gone mental? How can you not think of all the negative consequences of this situation? What if someone sees you here? What if one of the staff or patients leak out this situation to the public?"

"Is that what's important now?" he asked sounding really irritated.

"Isn't it? What if they say you got me pregnant or something? The anti-fans can act so terrible, Hyun. They can talk any shit against you. Your reputation is at risk... How can you be so stupid???"

He stepped back from me and appeared to be in a terrible state. I knew he knew. But I did not expect him to be this stupid about it. I thought he will understand my point.

"Just get some rest for now," he said.

"But..."

"Shut up." He hissed stepping closer. "Do you have any idea what my mental state is right now? You don't have any right to speak back to me at this moment, okay? So just do what you are told to do."

I could not say anything after that. And he closed his eyes tightly as if he is struggling with things internally and finding everything really difficult. I could understand his pain. But I couldn't do anything to help. He then looked back at me and took something out of his pant pocket and took my hand in his hand and placed it on my palm and closed it over before it could see what it was. It felt like something tiny and solid.

"Sew it back." He said then with contempt and pain in his voice. "I found it on my bed."

And he turned around and walked out. And when I opened my hand it was my shirt button. My shirt button which got broke the night we had sex. 

I walked out and saw the doctors, they were talking. I adjusted my expression so as they don't see it And I smiled. I was glad at that moment that I was an actor, a good one too.

"You can go in," I told Dr Jung. She smiled and walked back in. I faced my sister.

"You don't have to worry." She told me. "We will take good care of her. And protect your reputation and privacy as well."

I nodded at her gratefully.

"Just don't stay here for long. People may notice you." She said. I nodded. "I will go back in a while. I have called her sister. She will stay here."

MinSo Nuna nodded.

"Let me ask you just one thing, okay..." She asked, with a serious voice. "And I am not asking this as a doctor. I am asking this as your sister." I knew what was coming, so I looked at her. She had a strict face. "Was it your kid?"

"No," I said, with my fist clenched together.

"It's not, right?" She said in real relief. "Oh thank god. I was like maybe... But then again, you are a good boy and won't do something like... I mean, like I don't mean. But thank god..."

I smiled at her softly with a heavy heart. I felt terrible inside. Really terrible.

"You also take a few days rest. You look tired." She said, "Is this how a star actor should look?"

"The drama I was acting finished. So I also will take a few days off." I assured her.

"Hm.... Good. Your brother-in-law also was asking about you the other day. Drop by to our home someday. Let's eat dinner together."

"Okay, Nuna."

"Okay then, take care." She said. "I have to check on other patients. So have to go. Don't stay for so long." She said. I nodded. She walked off. I waited outside. There was no one in the corridor.

In a while, Dr Jung came out. I turned to her.

"I have given her some sedatives. So she has fallen asleep." She said. I nodded. "Let her sleep for a while. Don't wake her."

"I won't," I said.

"Okay then... Call the nurse if you need something." She walked away. I slid the door open and looked inside. YuBin was asleep. I walked in closing the door after me, and went and sat on the bed.

I did not know what I felt. I felt hurt and betrayed. But there was this one part that felt guilty as well. And another part that worried for her. As I kept staring at her sleeping face, I felt more and more confused about what I felt. I wanted to feel angry. But there was this ache I was feeling on looking at her. A yearning and pain. I softly moved my fingers through her hair...

Why did you do this to me? And why did I let this happen?

Yu Bin aa... What am I supposed to do now???

8:00 pm

The door slid open and Yuri came in. I got up on seeing her.

"Oppa..." She called and walked closer to take a closer look at her sister. "Oh my god, what happened to her?"

"She is just asleep," I said. "Don't worry."

"But why is she sleeping. She never sleeps." Yuri looked up at me confused. "You just told me Unni is at the hospital. You did not tell me what is wrong with her. Why is she here? And why is she sleeping?"

I let out a deep breath. If I tell Yuri, or YuBin's mother about the miscarriage, YuBin will not forgive me ever. Her family is everything for her. And even I was not sure if they really needed to know about that. I didn't want me to be the one telling them. It's YuBins call whether to tell them or not. I could not...

"She fainted from overwork," I said to Yuri. I should make sure to instruct the doctors to not tell Yuri the truth. Because well Yuri looked distressed enough even now at this piece of false information. She clutched her head and sat down on the couch.

"It's all my fault." I could hear her whisper to herself. And she looked really worried and distressed. I sat down beside her.

"Don't worry. Your Unni will be fine. She is tough."

"I know she is tough." Yuri turned to me. "Uselessly tough. She tries to take everyone's burden on herself. And look what happened. This is just making us feel worse, doesn't it, Oppa? Isn't it making us feel like we are responsible? "

I agreed with that. She is right.

"Now I feel I am a jerk," Yuri said. "Maybe I should have quit art class."

Maybe I should not have forgotten that night.

"Yuri aa... Do you have anything going on at home lately?" I looked at her. "Because YuBin has been really working hard and working herself out lately. Are you guys in some problem?"

"Didn't you know? I thought Unni would have told you by now, Oppa."

"She did not," I said, feeling even angry and irritated.

"Eh... Our dad messed up again. He took a loan from the bank with the house as collateral. And he has not been paying back the instalments. So our house could have been seized by the bank. But Unni took responsibility for the loan now, and now have to pay back the bank to save the house. There was a huge brawl at the house. And she pushed appa, and appa pushed her back and that is how she hurt her leg because she fell back and all. But then she has taken the responsibility of paying back that huge debt. It's such a large sum. Everyone is worried. "

And she never told me.

I had felt that after that miscarriage incident, I would not feel even worse. I felt I won't feel even more betrayed. But I felt worse than ever now. For all these ten years, what the hell was I to her? Am I someone she can't even share her problems with? Can't she even ask me for help? Can't she even tell me things like this??

Well then again...she lied to me. She lied looking into my face that nothing happened between us. That much big of a lie... She hid that we slept together. What kind of a human being hide something like that?? Who in the right mind would...?

And then she was pregnant with my kid and lost it, and still never even bothered to tell me. She had the chance to tell me at least after it happened. She could have said: 'hey Hyun, it's like this, you had got me pregnant, you had a baby, you were going to be a dad. But then we lost our baby....'

If TaeHo did not tell me, she never even planned to tell me this ever. Like ever...

"Yuri aa..." I turned to her, "I can't stay here for long. So please be with your sister until she gets well, okay? I am entrusting her to you." Yuri nodded. I got up and walked to the door. Before I stepped out, I took a look back at YuBin. She was still sleeping really peacefully. Monster – I thought. Cold-Hearted. I could not feel anything by the pain and sense of betrayal. It hurt. I had never felt this hurt ever in my life. I have had one major heartbreak before. But even that did not hurt this much. Maybe YuJin Hyung's death hurt this much. But that was a different genre of pain.

So I felt hatred for her. I felt a venom of vengeance in my mind of YuBin. And at the same time, the ringing of her soft laughter from that night rung in my ear. But that laughter felt scary to me now. Each second from that night felt disgusting and terrible and cruel. How can someone be that cruel? Was she really a human or what?

I felt hurt and violated in so many ways. I did not want to look at her one more second... So I walked away. 

14 August 2018, 11:30 AM

When I woke up, it was Yuri who was by my side. I don't know how much I slept. But it was about midday. Yuri was staring at me.

"What a great thing to do," she said in sarcasm. "Fainting because of over-work. Maybe someone should give Unni some award for living diligently."

"Huh?" I asked confused.

"WooHyun Oppa told me everything. That Unni fainted out of fatigue and over-work." She said. I sat up. So Hyun did not tell her the truth. Good. I never wanted my family to know.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have school today?" I asked Yuri.

"I won't fail in school if I don't go to class for one day." She said. "I have not told Omma yet, because I do she will feel guilty and bad. And blame it on herself that Unni has to live like this. Should I tell her or not?"

"Don't," I said. Omma will just blame herself. And I am just okay. It's not like I am dying or anything. And after waking up from sleep, I feel even better. I can just go back to work even now. I am capable of just fighting with a tiger even right now. I was okay... 

14 August 2018, 9:35 PM

I walked into the pub, with no interest at all. It had told the guys that I was not feeling up to it. But DoYoung Hyung insisted that I drop by since he has some really important news to say. And it's been a while since we all gathered as well. The last one might have been a year back at DoYoung Hyung's wedding.

But I paused at the door and tried to make myself feel even a bit okay to meet my friends. My mind was sort of stuck on YuBin and the whole situation. And apart from the lies she told, my mind was stuck on another point of pain. The baby... I did not know why it felt so important. But the fact that a life had come to this world because of me and YuBin, and that it was gone now was giving these confused feelings inside me. I did not know what to feel about that. Because the baby...it was in the end, half mine. I was a dad for two months and I did not even know. And it felt confusing to another level. Because I had no idea how to have the heart and mind of a 'father'. I had no preparation for it and I still considered myself too young to be a dad. But then...the baby died. It was all so confusing emotions that were all tangled inside me.

All I knew was that I was sad. About everything. I felt really sad.

So I was not in any mood to meet the guys. I almost turned around and walked out. But Kay was coming in through the door and saw me. "Hyung," he called. "Why are you standing here?" he put his hand around me. He was just a year younger than me. Kay and I had been the youngest ones in BLUE. YuJin Hyung was the oldest and was five years older than me. The second eldest was DoYoung Hyung four years older than me.

Kay led me to the guys. SungMin Hyung and DoYoung Hyung were seated at a seat. DoYoung Hyung looked fatter than before. "Hyung, you have become a pig in the meanwhile." Kay laughed as he sat down. "I guess our sister-in-law cook really delicious food."

"He doesn't need to take care of his figure anymore, does he?" I asked, sitting down with a forced smile. "They are not in front of the camera anymore. I heard the last song you made for XIN, Hyung. It was awesome."

"The boys sang it really well. That's why. I am grateful to them." He was modest about it. "Will someone appreciate our songs this much if it were not those pretty boys who sing it and dance on it? If I sing and dance on it people will yell 'get out you, pig face'." He laughed rubbing his potbelly. I laughed along even when I was not feeling like laughing.

So we all began to talk with a couple of drinks and Kay was talking about his new project. And my mind travelled back to the problems I was feeling down again. And the feeling of pain did not vanish. It did not even seem to have any notion of vanishing from my heart any time soon.

"WooHyun aa..." DoYoung Hyung called me as I was zoning out. "You okay?"

I nodded a bit distracted. I wanted to go home. "Eh... What was your news, Hyung?" I asked. If he is done telling me that I can just go home making some excuse and I won't feel bad.

"Oh yeah..." he said, sitting back. "Take a guess..."

I was not interested in taking guesses. So I just sat back.

"Your Hyung is taking a further step in life." He said as if boasting to everyone. Everyone just looked at him. "I mean, I am going to be a dad."

Oh...!

"No Way..." Kay said excitedly.

DoYoung Hyung took a sonographic picture of the fetus out of his pocket and help up for us to see. "See See..." he said proudly. "Doesn't she look like me?"

"You can't even see properly." SangMin Hyung made fun of him. My eyes fell on the sonographic picture and I felt really strange. A chill went down on my body, freezing everything. And the confusion that was inside me suddenly seemed to take a proper form. It integrated and took a shape of a small tiny baby, that was looking at me and smiling at me. And then it began to hurt. Hurt more. Like really more. The pain was becoming unbearable. And in a second, I realized why it suddenly began to hurt this bad.

Without me realizing it, I had taken the sonographic picture from Do Hyun's hand to my hand was looking at it.

"Isn't she beautiful?" DoYoung Hyung asked me.

"How many weeks?" I asked him, without taking my eyes off the picture. There was a tiny distorted object in the middle of the picture that may be the baby.

"Two months... So it's like nine weeks." DoYoung Hyung said. "It was a honeymoon baby. Or maybe it was formed a week before the wedding. We are not sure. But the doctor said it's nine weeks. So yeah...maybe it was before the wedding."

"Do they have a heart at two months?" I asked, sounding really lost, and my eyes still stuck to the picture.

"Of course, you idiot." DoYoung Hyung said. "I was there when they scanned my wife. The baby's heartbeat was so loud and clear. It was so wonderful."

"I really can't understand the mindset behind being a dad." SungMin Hyung said sitting back. "I mean, it feels strange. And eerie."

"You will know when it's your baby okay?" DoYoung Hyung said. "It's special. You need to get married and make a baby with a woman you really love for you to understand it. That's your flesh and blood. And when you hear their heartbeat, it's magical. You can't simply explain that feeling with words. I almost cried when I heard the heartbeat."

"How do you know if it's a girl though?" Kay asked.

"I just know okay..."

"Imagine if it's a girl who looks like Hyung. She will have the most terrible life." SungMin Hyung joked. And Kay just laughed. But I was just looking at the picture.

"What's up with you?" SungMin Hyung asked me as I was still looking at the picture. "You look like you want to eat the baby."

"Eugh..." Kay said.

"Shut up, SungMin..." DoHyun Hyung said. But he looked at me curiously because I was acting strange. I may have been acting strange. I gave the picture back to SungMin Hyung. "So they do have a heartbeat at eight weeks?" I asked to make sure.

"Yeah."

"So they are more than just a cell of life?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said. "But why?"

Because that tiny thing with a heartbeat, that life that came to exist in this world because of me and YuBin, our child...died. Dead. Like YuJin Hyung was dead. And the reason I was hurt this much was because that someone close to me, someone that should be really really important to me, someone blood related to me, had died.

"Nothing. Someone I know lost their baby at eight weeks. That's why." I mumbled to the guys.

"Oh god. That's terrible." DoYoung Hyung said. "How is the mother?" I looked at him. The mother apparently is so damn fine that it's frustrating. "She must be having such a difficult time. People around her should give her moral and emotional support at times like this." He told me. "We men may not know. But losing a baby is such a big deal to a woman. God knows what she may be going through. Poor woman."

Poor woman, my ass. She looks fine as hell. Better than anyone. The hatred for her again rose inside me.

She killed her own baby with over-work and without taking care of herself. If only she was careful. If only she paid more attention... No, it did not even have to go that far. If only she told me her financial condition and asked for help. If only she did not work so much... If only, she took a break or took some rest...her baby... No...My baby would not have died. She killed my baby, our baby. A baby with a heartbeat and life. A life form that had an existence of eight weeks on this earth...

Resentment filled in every cell in my body.

That night I went to sleep thinking about the baby. Was it a boy or a girl? I guess we will never know now. But I badly wanted to know. I badly, badly, badly wanted to know everything about that child which will never be born now. Who would have it looked like if it was born? Me or YuBin? And whose behaviour will he or she take in, my chill attitude or YuBin's diligence?

But we will never know. I won't ever even know the baby's gender. And that felt unfair. I at least wanted to know if it's a boy or a girl. So as to at least remember him or her with an individuality.

And it hurt me and pained me. I know I was not ready for a baby. But If I knew of its existence before it died, I would have protected it. I surely would have protected it. I was not one of those cruel-hearted bastards who will ask to get rid of it. I could never do that. I was not a bad person. Even if I was not ready to be a dad, even when my career was at stake, I would have done whatever in my capability to live up to the situation. I would have taken responsibility. And I was capable of taking responsibility for my own action. I would have protected it.

If only I knew of the baby's existence before it died. If only she had told me... If only I could have taken care of her before we lost our child... If only we would have done something different. If only...

15 August 2018, 10: 00 AM

The next day, I visited the columbarium where YuJin Hyung's ashes are kept. It had been a while since I visited him. But I needed him that moment. Because when I was younger, it was always him whom I used to go to whenever I had a problem. He was my mentor. And he would always give me the best advice.

And this one involved YuBin. His sister.

I kind of felt guilty to stand in front of YuJin Hyung's ash urn. I got his sister pregnant. Indeed she hid the truth from me. But I was a responsible and sensible guy and feel that it's my duty to always make sure of the protection. The girl has some kind of responsibility as well. But I feel it's the guy's responsibility in every sense to make sure of the contraception. It was just the matter of putting on a condom. And I do always have one with me in case. And I felt ashamed to use the excuse that I was drunk that night. Of course, I was drunk and still can't remember half the thing. And that made me feel violated and hurt and a lot of upsetting things.

However, I still could not stand in front of YuJin Hyung with no guilt. Because in this fucked up society whenever something like this happens, it's the guys' fault. The guy took advantage of the girl. And if YuJin Hyung was alive and he found out that I got YuBin pregnant, he would not really have cared to look whose fault it was and would have punched me straight in my face. His sister was pregnant with my baby. There was no need to ask any question or further discuss the situation, it was a straight punch on my face and that is it. And since I knew that...I felt really guilty to be standing in front of his ashes.

And I did not know what to say to him.

So I tried to come up with reasons for sleeping with her that night. I did not do it out of pure lust. That was my point in defence.

"You know I really cherish her, right?" - Is what came out from me. There was this photo Of YuJin Hyung in that small glass chamber along with his ash urn and a few plastic flower. He was smiling in that photo. "You know what she means to me, right?" I asked him. "You know, right, Hyung?" I did not sleep with her coz I was horny and wanted to fuck someone. That night, as far as I remember of it, it was special. Beautiful... Almost sacred. 

There were some mistakes that you do for which you will regret in your life. But even then everybody makes mistakes. There won't be anyone in this world that has not made any mistakes in their life. That is why the word 'mistake' even exists in the vocabulary. Because people do that. And some mistakes we do even when we know is a mistake and it won't end well. Because we just can't help it.

16 June 2018

That night I had got a call from Hyun to come to pick him up from the bar, saying he won't be able to drive on his own, and he sounded pretty drunk. I was irritated that he had got drunk somewhere outside. But I was glad he called me even in that situation, rather than try to drive and get in trouble or do something even more stupid.

When I arrived at the bar, he flopped down to the counter. I helped him get up and moved him to the car, and drove to his house. He was a slight bit better by the time we reached home, but I knew he still won't really remember anything tomorrow, because he still could not even walk properly. I knew him for the last ten years, so I was positive about that. Normally when he is this drunk he does not remember things. So I got him to his bed, and he was singing kind of cutely. It made my anger for him met...Because well, he was being really cute. I can't help it when he gets cute.

And as I dropped him to the bed, I fell down with him because of his weight, and he looked at me and chuckled. I felt all the motherly love I always feel towards him right then.

"Really. What are you going to do without me?" I asked him, with a smile.

And he smiled. His smile is really really sweet and innocent. It makes him look so handsome yet so so cute. And he said, "Yeah... Actually, I have only you..." And he put his hand to my cheek. It startled me. Because that kind of intimacy was the first time between us, and also because his fingers were really cold. "Your fingers are cold," I whispered out of instinct. And I could see his eyes getting intense. He has never looked at me that way before. And I could not move back. It was like my body was stuck. Captured in his eyes.

We have hugged casually before. But this air between us was new. There was clearly something in his eyes that was new and alarming and yet drawing me more in. And I could feel it. I could not explain it in other ways. I could see it. He was about to kiss me.

I should be moving back, my mind told me. Push him off... Move back. But before my body could move, Hyun had edged up and his lips met mine. I could not react and he was already kissing me. And my stomach did a flip and my mind's rationality stopped dead.

His fingers were at my neck and it was the most sensitive part of my body. And his fingers were still cold. It generated a quiver in my stomach, and he fastened the kiss as if he needs more. I could not do anything. My limbs were falling lifeless even just by that kiss. He was leading me now, getting up, and pulling me closer to his body. And not stopping...

Somewhere my conscience said this need to stop. But my body was not in my control. A fire had already erupted at the joint between my legs. And he was kissing down my neck. All I could do was to clutch onto his shirt tightly coz I felt weak all over, and like I was melting and going away. Dissolving somewhere.

So I let myself drown... All thoughts away from me. I didn't want to think. I didn't even exist. I was just that feeling now.

Hyun was having trouble opening my shirt buttons. He struggled and broke one button, which fell to the bed and rolled off. That is when I kind of woke up from that ecstasy and developed a rational mind again. This was wrong. This needed to stop.

"Hyun aa..." I caught his hand. He looked up into my eyes. One look into those eyes and I felt weaker. I wanted this. I wanted him. At that moment I did not want to think of the past, present or future. I did not want to think who he is, and who I am. I didn't care if we were not romantically involved, or that I have never let myself ever be greedy about him. I also knew that he won't remember this the next day. At least not clearly.

And I could not help it as I looked into his doe-like eyes. There was a yearning in those eyes – those still so innocent eyes. I closed our space and kissed him. Holding his neck, moving my fingers to feel the roots of his hair. His hands were strong against my waist as he pulled me closer to him, and kissed me back.

I did not care. I did not want to care. I had lived half my life for others. Never did one thing for myself. Never lived my own life. Never had any joy for myself. But at this moment, I wanted this. Because it felt good. Hyun touching me like this felt good. His hunger for me felt fulfilling like it's filling up a void that was somewhere inside me. A void that was formed over the years of self-sacrifice. It was filling up. This one thing, this one night... I wanted it for myself. I wanted this joy to myself. I did not want to be rational and break away from this happiness. The thought of it hurt. I didn't want to be attached to mom, Yuri, responsibilities, my title as a manager, and everything else. I just wanted to be a woman for just a little while, with him. Just be Kang YuBin – woman, with no other title attached to her.

15 August 2018, 10:30 AM

Now I sat looking out of the window of my hospital room. This was my third day in the hospital. Yuri had gone to school. I was not going to let her miss so many classes. She was in her final year of High School.

But today, maybe since I am alone I was thinking of Hyun a lot. He had not called me after that.

Do I regret that night with him??? I was not sure. I was not sure why I felt that way about the night with him, or my reasons for letting myself do that.

I have slept with 2 guys before. But never once they felt anything special to me. It felt like a physical act. A job... I now realized that I was never ever simply just Kang Yu Bin, a woman in front of those guys. I knew why they left. Because I did not love them. I did not even remotely have anything for them. It was just...obligation. Maybe curiosity. Maybe nothing.... Nothing was for me. It was not something private or worth cherishing for me. I realized that only after Hyun had touched me that way. The moment Hyun had touched me that way, I realized the difference. And it was a million lights years apart difference. Nothing could compare.

So I could not regret it... I was unable to regret it.

But I did not want things to turn out this way though. I had not planned to get pregnant. I should have been more careful. If I had never got pregnant, and Hyun never found out...that night could have been my own secret memory for me to cherish for a lifetime. Nobody had to know. It could have stayed with me as my comfort and strength. Something I can take out and enjoy at moments where it gets really hard rUnning around alone with all the burden. It could have been my sanctuary.

There was a knock on the door of my room and I turned around and a lady doctor came in.

"Hello." She said to me.

"Hello," I said confused.

"My name is Dr Song MinAh. I am a psychologist in this hospital," She said with a sweet smile. "I am in charge of taking care of patient's mental health."

"I am fine," I told her immediately.

"Okay. That is really good. But would you still mind talking to me?" She asked. "I mean, Dr Jung sent me to you, and I can't really refuse her. We can just talk in general. Would that be trouble?"

"No," I said, as I am a polite person. "Please sit down," I said and offered her the chair and sat down on the bed facing her. "But I am really okay," I told her again. I was okay.

"That is really good." She said with a smile. "Because a lot of ladies who may have undergone an experience like yours tend to blame themselves for their loss. Like if they could have been more careful etc..."

"I don't," I told her plainly. "I mean, I didn't know I was pregnant. And even if I knew I did not plan to keep it. So it's good that things turned out like this." I felt really sceptical saying this. I was not sure how she will take me. So I was a bit hesitating while saying it. The doctor looked at me.

"Why? Do you think I am being cruel?" I asked. "About not wanting to keep the baby?"

"No. That is your decision to make." She said. "What did your boyfriend say? Did you discuss it with him?"

"He is not my boyfriend." I looked down at my hands.

The doctor took a keen look at me. I looked up at her.

"Who is the father?" She asked me. "Or would you rather not talk about that?"

I would rather not talk about that. But since I said he is not my boyfriend, the doctor can assume the worst. Even rape or something. So I decided to disclose a bit. Not a lot. "He is my friend," I said. "We are friends for a long time. It was a one-time thing..." I didn't really want to call our night a 'mistake' though it was. I did not want to use that word for that.

The doctor nodded. "So, does he know yet?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Why isn't he here now then? With you?"

I looked down at my fingers. "I told you we are not in that kind of relationship. Plus... I am okay. It's totally okay. I feel fine."

She looked at me. "Really. Trust me." I told her. "Why do people make it seem like I should be sad and crying about the incident? The baby died... Big deal." I yelled. "I am not going to cry over that, okay? I have bigger things to deal with in my life. You can't make me feel fucking guilty about the fact that it died because I did not take care of it. It died because it had to, and I would have killed it even if it had not died on its own." I don't know why I was crying. But tears were flowing out my eyes. I never cry. These are not tears. There is just something wrong with my eyes.

And the doctor was looking at me with sympathy. I didn't want her fucking sympathy...

"You can't tell me I fucking killed my baby, okay?" I told her, wiping my eyes. I was angry. "You can't make me feel guilty about that. Because I don't."

The doctor was plainly looking at me. "You didn't kill your baby, Miss YuBin." She said in a soft but matter-of-fact voice. "You don't have to feel guilty."

"That's what I was saying." I snapped at her. "I was saying the exact same thing." But my tears were annoyingly flowing again. I wiped them.

The doctor got up and put her hand on my shoulder. "Cry..." She told me. "Don't resist it. Just cry it out..."

No. Who is crying? I am not...

"I am not sad." I looked up at her. She just gave me that sympathy look. I did not like that. "I told you I am not sad. Don't you believe me?"

The doctor patted my shoulder. I snapped her hand away and wiped my eyes and sat back. "You know what, you all can go to hell. Believe in your social norms and stereotypes. I don't give a fucking damn about the baby. There are bigger things I have to deal with in my life. I have to repay the huge debt my dad made, and then send Yuri to a really good college, pay for mom's medical bills, and bring food to the table of our house. I really don't have the time to be thinking about a dead fetus."

The doctor took a long concerned look at me. "It seems like you are a closed person right now. I can't help you with anything right now. Only if you seek my help I can do anything to help... So if you want me, you can come to me. If only you feel that you need my help. Then only I can help you."

"I don't need you. And I will be discharged tomorrow anyway." I told her. "So..."

"No. Even after you get discharged, if ever you feel like you need help. Or not even that, even if you feel like you need someone to talk to, a friend, you can always come to me." I looked up at her, still disliking her. But she patted my shoulder and stepped back.

"Call your boyfriend or friend," She said. "He needs to be here with you at this time."

"No thank you. I am fine myself." I snapped at her. Who is she to tell me anyway? And what does she know? The doctor looked like she can't help me anymore. So she left. I felt really irritated. And edgy. I just wanted to go back to work, and do something to keep me busy. 

12: 20 pM

I was sitting down under Yu Jin Hyung's compartment in the columbarium. I was here for like last two hours. There were not many people visiting their dead in this section. So I was undisturbed for the last two hours. It helped though. I could think in peace. And it felt like YuJin Hyung was with me.

And finally, after two hours I got up and faced Yu Jin Hyung's urn and photo again. There was another photo inside the glass compartment along with the urn. A family photo that was taken just a few weeks before YuJin Hyung's death. YuJin Hyung was with his mother and two sisters in the photo, smiling sweetly. I looked at twenty-year-old YuBin in the picture. She was smiling happily.

"Hyung," I addressed him, knowing he is dead and can't hear me. But I wanted to tell him this anyway, "Do you know...? The YuBin in this picture feels like a different person. Not the YuBin I know. Because I don't think I have ever seen the YuBin I know smile this carefree of innocently ever. She always has a maturity and sense of responsibility to her."

I looked at YuJin Hyung's photo. "I am not complaining though. Hyung's sister is really incredible. She is strong. Independent. Takes care of her family all by herself. Is really good at her work, and nobody stands a chance against her. If she was not with me, I would not have been this successful. What I am now is thanks to her. She is way too awesome for me to the point that I don't deserve her. She is seriously a great girl. "

I took a deep breath. "What I meant to say is that... Hyung... Don't worry." I looked into his eyes in the photo. "Because I am not an asshole. It's my duty as your friend and brother to do my rightful duty towards you. And her as well. I knew Hyung for only four years, and I know her for the last ten years. I have loyalty towards her. I know what I need to do." I was determined.

"It doesn't really matter what she did to me. Regardless of that, from today onwards, from this second onwards, she, and your family are my responsibility. I just decide it to be that way. I don't care what she says. I will take care of her. Forever." And that was my promise and determination. Kang YuBin is not a stranger to me. The reason I touched her that night was not out of lust. I knew what I felt for her. And so...it was decided.  

5: 10 PM

I got discharged from the hospital in the evening. I had told Yuri to not come to the hospital for the discharge procedure because I really don't want her to miss out on the tuition classes as well. And I told her that I was fine enough to sign a few forms and walk out and grab a taxi to go home. But of course, I did not take a taxi home. I took the bus home. The taxi was so expensive. I can buy one packet of rice with that money.

6:20 PM

I have to walk a bit after getting down from the bus stop to reach my house. And it was already getting dark outside. And when I reached in front of our home, I saw Hyun's car parked outside. It made me wonder why the hell he is there and sprinted up the steps to my house. There was laughter coming from inside the house.

The door was open and the dinner table was set and mom was giving him food. "You can eat all the food in our house for that favour." Mom was telling him with a happy face. What favour?

"Oh come on, Omma... How is it a favour?" He asked her. And he was calling my mom 'Omma' acting all friendly. Since when are they that close? I mean they were sort of close. But he never called her 'Omma' before. As far as I can remember, he used to address her 'Ajjumma' till yesterday.

I walked in, not understanding the situation. Yuri was near Hyun as well. "Oh, Unni." She said seeing me. Hyun looked up at me. "Unni.... Woohyun Oppa repaid dad's debt in the bank. So our house is safe now."

"What?" I snapped. I looked at him. 

I knew this was coming. Her eyes were sharp. And I knew she was going to make this her pride issue and break out. So I ignored her.

"Can I get more of this potato dish, Omma?" I asked YuBin's mom. "It's really tasty."

"Of course," She said, putting more to my bowl.

YuBin walked to me, with her lazed radar eyes.

"Hyun, get up," she said crossing her hands. I ignored her.

"Why are you calling him? Can't you see he is eating?" YuBin's mom complained to her. I just continued eating.

"Kim WooHyun," Her voice was strict. I left the chopsticks and got up and turned to her. I have to talk it out with her sometime anyway. "Come out," She said, with an angry face. I was not less angry than her. I was angry as hell as well. She walked out, still with her hands crossed. I followed her with my hands in my pocket, feeling irritated. 

We stopped in the lane outside the house, well away from the house, under the street light. I turned to him in anger. "Who the hell are you to repay my dad's debt?" I yelled at him.

He just looked at me

"It's my problem okay. I can deal with it perfectly fine. And I was. Who are you to pay it off?" I asked, angry. What is he like giving me sympathy? Doing charity? I was angry. But he was looking at me with a cynical face.

"Really?" he asked, with bitterness in his tone. "Like really? After all this..." He stepped back as if he can't understand me or take my actions. He stayed like that silently for a second. Then he suddenly came forward, so suddenly that I had to take a step backwards. My back hit the compound wall. He came and stood in front of me looking into my eyes. And there was the pain of betrayal in his eyes.

"What I am to you?" he asked, in a pained voice.

Huh?

"What am I?" he asked. And he sounded really really hurt. "Am I such an incompetent of a person that you can't even ask help from me? Am I that insignificant? So much as you hid..."

He stepped back in anger and wiped his eyes, which were getting wet. I knew what he was talking about. He steps closer and grabbed my elbow a bit painfully. "Why did you do it?" he demanded. Now losing all his resolve. "Why did you?" He yelled. I didn't know what to say. I knew this was coming. I had to face this anyway. I needed to get this over with. So I let him talk.

"I asked you, right?" He stepped close desperately. "I did ask you if something really happened between us. I asked you multiple times. But you said no. You looked into my eyes and lied to me. About something as big as that." He left the hold on my elbow a bit harshly and it pained. But I was used to pain.

"Kang YuBin... How the hell could you???" He stepped back. And look defeated. "You know that I trust you more than anyone in this world, right?" He asked me. "My YuBin won't ever do anything against me. Then how could you do this to me?? HOW???"

What was I supposed to say??? Is a 'sorry' enough in this situation? Will he feel angrier if I say sorry? And do I even want to say sorry? He already looks so angry. He looks ready to explode. If I say something and it ends up being the wrong thing, it will be bad. So... I better not say anything.

"I asked you something. And I want a proper reply." He said. "I am not leaving without a reply." He stepped closer looking at me a bit desperately. "At least give some excuse, you...bitch." He hissed, saying the last word as if it hurt him a million times to call me that. But I did not feel offended though. I deserved that. From his perspective, I was that – a bitch. But I had no excuse. I could not open my mouth.

"Say something." He said begged.

"You were drunk," I said. "You forgot." That was what I could manage in my defence that time. And I felt angry with myself for saying that.

"I didn't forget. I could recollect it the moment I opened my eyes. Even if it was not that clear, I could remember. I could never forget that. And I asked you if something happened. You said nothing happened." He said. 

 "Yeah," She looked up at me like she did not really care. "But you thought it may have been a dream. Your memory was not strong enough. So if things did not get messed up, you would not have known your whole life. And there would have been nothing to complain about. Right?"

"Really?" I asked her, finding her absurd and impossible. "Like really?"

She didn't look guilty. She just crossed her hands.

"How can you make it so trivial?" I asked her. "We had...sex," I stressed the last word. "That's a fucking big deal. Ask anyone."

She looked away. "Everything would be fine if you did not remember it." She said.

I could not believe her. That was so sick.

"Okay," I stepped back from her. "Let's imagine it like this. Let's assume that the gender was reversed. Assume you were drunk. And I slept with you. And the next day told you nothing happened between us. What would the reaction be then?"

She looked up at me, clearly uncomfortable even at the idea.

"I would have been sent to prison on an accusation of rape if I slept with a drunken girl and she can't remember that. That's a recognizable crime and sexual assault. Do you realize the degree of your crime now, Kang YuBin?"

She looked shaken. 

He was right. I had never thought it this way. And this was not even that much of a unique case. There was this make-up artist girl who was kind of a friend of mine. She had it happen to her. She got drunk in one team dinner one night and found herself in the bed of a hotel room with the Director's Assistant the next morning. The guy told her they had consensual sex. But she doesn't remember it. And she felt the same way as if she was raped. Because she can't remember it. And she filed a complaint against the guy... He got arrested.

If a guy did this on a girl, he will be arrested. Or at least called a pervert or monster.

So this really creepy uneasiness began to spread over me. I did not mean to hurt Hyun in any way. I did not mean it to happen this way.

"Ours was consensual," I muttered out in my defence, by instinct. "You kissed me first."

"Maybe. But I can't remember it, right?" He asked. "And you say nothing happened." His voice contained that bitter cynical mockery. "Yet you got pregnant. Are you Virgin Mary or something?"

I was feeling bad and guilty before, but his tone really irked me. I looked up at his face.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked him. "Apologize? Go to jail?" 

I looked into her fearless brazen eyes. This girl was not guilty. And that was driving me crazy. I was so angry that I wanted to hit her. But I will never hit a girl.

I stepped back, for me to stop myself from doing something so drastic. "Okay, let's jump over that. What you did to me was a slight sexual violation, but let's just assume it's okay. But then... why did you not tell me when you got pregnant with my kid?" I could not stop myself from having a higher pitch at 'my kid'.

"I didn't know." She closed her eyes and looked down.

"What?"

"I didn't know I was pregnant okay?" She looked up at me with anger. "Okay, now?"

"No. Not okay. You miscarried the baby. You could have told me then." I said. "At that time you knew, right? You knew whose baby it was. You hid it from me." I felt slashed at the thought. I stepped closer to her. "YuBin aa, why? Why did you? Am I that much non-reliable for you?" I was breaking now. She was not some random girl I slept with. She was my YuBin. Even if it was some random girl, and I had made that girl pregnant, I would have taken responsibility. I was a guy like that. But this was no random girl. I felt sad that the baby died. But maybe I would not have felt this much hurt and this deep sense of loss if the baby was with some other girl. But the fact that it was YuBin and my baby, made me feel hurt. I understand what DoYoung Hyung meant by that when it's a baby with a girl you love, then it's special. If YuBin had told me she was pregnant and I was the dad, I felt like maybe somewhere inside, even when I was not ready for it, I would have felt something similar to happiness. I would have been curious about the baby. Felt something more than a sense of tension for the baby, because it was inside YuBin. My YuBin. I would have taken care of YuBin then. Taken her to a hospital for regular check-ups, and bought her the foods she would crave. I would have done all that. I would have taken responsibility. And she - she knew me more than anyone. She knew I would take responsibility. And yet she did this. Why would she?

Why the hell will she do this to me?

I stepped closer, butinstinctively she stepped back. But I did not want to attack her or hurt her inany way. The fact that that she will even feel that, that she won't trust meslashed my heart.

When he stepped closer I thought he was going to hurt me again or something. But what he did was softly take my hand in his hand and lower his head so as he need not look into my eyes. "Let me just ask this one thing. Just this.... What am I to you?" He asked. "I thought we were friends. I thought we were a team. I really thought we had that bond. That night...what happened... It was not something purely physical, right? You know that, right?" He looked up into my eyes. And I could not stare into those eyes. And the fact that I have hurt him was not something I could bear with. I could not live up to the truth that I had hurt Hyun.

"You could tell me anything, right, Bin aa...?" He asked, still in pain. "You could have just told me, right? Then why did you...?"

I could not bear to see the tears in his eyes.

"Sorry." I said softly, "I did not know things will turn out like this." If there was no pregnancy or baby involved, you need not have found out all your life. I would not, never let you go through this intentionally.

He looked up into my eyes. There were still tears in his eyes. I need to correct that. I did not want him to cry. I wanted to wipe those tears with my fingers. But I did not.

"I am really sorry. But what happened already happened, okay... Can't we get over it? Forget it?" I asked. "I mean we can't affect one night's mistake to affect our whole life, can we?" But I immediately felt like I said something wrong. Because his expression had changed.

"Mistake?" he asked looking at me. "Mistake?" he stressed.

Yes. Mistake... Or else... What was that?

"Is it really just a mistake for you?" he asked, serious now. He looked hurt by my words. But I knew him more than anyone. Hyun is innocent and naïve. He is good-hearted. And so he can be really stupid at times. He doesn't really know the world and how it works.

"Or else?" I asked him. "If it's not a mistake...then what is it?" I looked straight into his eyes while asking this. He got perplexed so he did not replay immediately. "In this real world, it has to become a mistake. Or else...what else can we do, Hyun? It's you and me. If it's not a mistake...what do we become?"

He needs to face the reality. He can't always be a child. And realities can be harsh.

"Just think of this..." I said. "If there was no pregnancy, nothing would have got this complicated. But since it happened... If the baby didn't die, what could you and I have done?" 

There was so much mockery in her voice that got me angry again. "Don't talk like that. It's our baby." I hissed at her. But she laughed a bit cynical... Just wait a second.

"Would you have got rid of the baby if you did not have a natural miscarriage?" I asked shocked. She would not. She just stared at me. "Hm," she nodded. Confidently.

"What?" I asked, unable to believe it.

"It was never meant to come into this world anyway." Her voice was cold. It felt like a punch to my heart.

"Kang Yu Bin..." I screamed. But she was unnerved. She just stared at me with cold eyes. I didn't want to give up on her goodness. I knew her... She was not this cruel. "It's our baby. Yours and mine. Together." I hissed to her. "Who knows? He or she may have looked like us. We could have been his or her parents. Us together..." I can even imagine us, Yu Bin and I holding the little fingers of our baby, looking into its face happily. I can clearly imagine it... Our family.

"And did you even know that babies even have a heartbeat at eight weeks?" He asked me in tears. "Our baby died Yu Bin aa... Our baby fucking died, okay? Yours and mine. Our child. Died. And you lied to me, and you came back the next day to work like nothing is wrong in the world." 

He is being impractical and good-hearted and naïve and innocent. The world is not as easy a place like that. He was crying for useless reasons. He was in pain for a life form that was only eight weeks old in this world. Innocent. Impractical. 

 "Tell me one thing." She crossed her hands. I looked at her. "When you were at the hospital, your sister perhaps, at least somebody may have asked you whose baby it was that I miscarried. What did you tell them?"

Coldness washed over me in this question. And she was looking so confident and strong.

"Did you tell them it was yours?" She asked, cold.

I felt sick inside. And it felt like she already knew how I answered. I felt ashamed. I could have at least told MinSo Nuna that the baby was mine. But I had not. I was worried about my career, my reputation.

"Can you even tell one soul that you got a girl pregnant?" She asked me. "Is there one person in this world whom you can tell something that shocking and scandalizing event in your life?" I looked up at her. "Yeah, you can tell me. Coz I end up cleaning after everything you do. It's always 'Yu Bin aa... I messed up. I did that. I did this.' But never before something this drastic happened in your life that can shake your reputation so much, Hyun."

I looked away. "You can't do anything..." she said. "I always take care of your shit. I did now as well. I did what your manager needed to do. I took care of your mess. You can't go tell people you got a girl pregnant, Hyun."

"I could have." I turned to her in anger. She and I could have got married. And things would have been okay.

"Maybe." She said. "Maybe you could have tied it with a bow and told people 'hey I am going to be a dad'. And there would be people congratulating you. But the baby died. I miscarried. Do you know what fucked up story people can make out on that???"

I know. I understand. People could talk shit about me and her. Once she miscarried, it could have got really out of hand if news got out in the media.

"At the hospital, when I realized what was happening... All I could think was that I need to leave Hyun out of this mess. He should not be affected in any way." I looked at her. And I believed her. Because in all these ten years, if there was one person who thought about my benefit more than me, that's her. It was her main priority to keep me out of every sort of trouble – dating scandals, any mistake comments on camera, legal troubles. My account was clean. Coz YuBin made sure I was never, ever involved in anything that tarnishes my public image.

"Look..." She said, now going to a softer tone. "I know I messed up. But trust me... All I wanted was to protect you and keep doing my job."

I got that. I understood it in a way... But still, it was really unfair. Everything still hurt. It was really unfair that we had to lose our baby. That we had to go through this. And I still felt angry with her for lying to me. But as she said, what's done is done. We can't reverse time. I need to think of the future and what we need to do from now on.

So I stepped back to think and get a clearer mind.

"And sorry for getting angry earlier." She said. "Thanks for paying off the debt. I will pay you back."

"You don't need to pay me back," I told her.

"No. Don't be ridiculous. I can't take your money." She said. "That's your hard-earned money."

"YuBin aa, I get that money because of all the work you do. If you were not there I would not have got up from bed and gone for work. And it is unfair that I get ten times more money than you do. And I don't care for the money more than I care about you. I am still pissed that you did not tell me that you need money. Are we not even that close that you can ask for money from me when you are in a trouble? What the hell is wrong with you that you won't ask me?"

She sighed. And looked a bit guilty.

"Why do you always try to solve everything on your own?" I stepped closer and put my hand to her shoulders. "You are not alone." I always wanted to tell her that. "I am here." She looked up at me. "I know I am not half as badass as you, or half as mature or dependable. But I am here. And to the very least, I have a lot of money. So go ahead and use that money. You have every right on it. Since we earned it together."

She nodded a bit doubtfully. I stepped back relived for now.

"Even then I will still pay you back." She said.

Not again.

"I want to. Please let me." She said.

I know she has an immense amount of pride and stuff. She won't accept free money from me. So I nodded. She looked less stressed now.

"I want to keep working for you." She mumbled. "I don't want to get fired."

"Who is firing you?" I asked.

She looked up at me. "I sexually harassed you, right?"

"That was consensual," I said.

"Ya. That's what I said before. But you said..."

I chuckled. I did not want to discuss more about that night with her. She said it was a mistake. She said 'we can't be anything more than a mistake'. I was scared that if I go deeper into that, she will again be rigid about the distances we need to keep.

I knew her. I knew why she was doing it. It was not just about my image. But her image as well. She had promised our CEO ten years back that she will never get involved with me. And my fans trust her too much. They trust her more than necessary. She can't lose her face to them.

Plus there is that thing about my image and all.

But one thing for sure is that that night did happen between us. And things like that simply don't just go away. My feelings for her were not the same anymore. I may have had feelings for her even before I touched her. But after that night, my feelings were more definite. I was not confused about them. I knew. And even if I would have hesitated before because of lack of confidence, I won't now. The lack of confidence was there before because I used to think that YuBin won't ever consider me a man. She was too awesome for me. But I still remember her expressions from that night. And what she had asked me just now was 'what more than a mistake can we be'. That kind of meant that she had thought of a possibility of us being something more than a mistake. It's just her rigid realistic side that is stopping her to think of us as more than a mistake.

But discussing our possibilities now at this moment will just get more arguments from her. But that does not mean that I was going to let it go. I meant what I promised to YuJin Hyung. YuBin is my responsibility now. I am not a guy who will sleep with a girl, get her pregnant and walk away. Not happening. I don't want to be that guy. So it's YuBin for me from now on. For life.

"Go back in..." I told her with a smile, which really confused her. "You still need lots of rest."

"You are not mad at me anymore?" She asked confused.

"Do you want me to stay pissed at you?" I asked her.

"No." she looked more confused. I stepped closer and gave her a casual hug. She was more confused. But I stepped back soon enough. She again had her hair in a tight ponytail. I like it when it's lost. But this was good too coz it was classic Kang YuBin. "I won't stay mad at you. Because I don't want to lose you. You are a person I can't afford to lose." She looked up at me, and there was still confusion in her eyes. "Do you get what I mean by that?" I added.

"Because without me you won't even get up from bed to go to work?" she asked.

I chuckled. She smiled. I liked that she was finally smiling. It made me calm.

I loved her. There is a secret that is tucked inside the depth of my heat that I really did not like to confront. That was my personal secret. But I knew now that I did not start having feelings for her suddenly. It did not start on that Saturday night in June. But the truth about that is top secret. Shh....!!!

But judging by YuBin's state, there was no need to rush with these emotions. She will run away if I rush.

And the answers to why she slept with me that night, and why she hid it from me, I felt like they were her most intimate secrets which she won't share with me yet. YuBin won't show her innermost side to anyone. I need to get closer to her to get to those places with her, where she is okay to show me her weaknesses. Because YuBin I know will prefer to die than show anyone her weaknesses. That task I have in my hand is pretty difficult. I need to break that barrier on her...and get so close that, I can see the real her. I think I saw her that night, the night I don't remember clearly. I thought who lay in my arms that night was not this iron-girl, it was a tender, more real, more human than ever girl. It was YuBin's most vulnerable, most intimate, most secret, most personal, and hence most raw and real and honest moment. It was intangibly pure and sacred.

And I wanted her back.