Drawing of ROTTMNT Shelby and Mikey done by the lovely VioletPixels ❤️🫶🏻 as always, crazy talented. Shelby looks straight out of the show!
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TW: discussions on ideation/thoughts of suicide and descriptions of self-harm. This is your only warning. Know your limits.

Thunder rumbled overhead as Monica stared at the ceiling of her aunt's bedroom. Next to her, Raph was sound asleep, as she had insisted on taking watch tonight. She wasn't sure if her shift was more so meant to watch for the Russian guy and neon guy or to listen intently to see if Shelby was... well. But she was starting to not hear anything past the pelleting of the rain on the house. She was semi-grateful for the distraction; the noise was relaxing to her and the weather app on her phone suggested storm cell after storm cell was going to slam Pennsylvania in the next 24 hours. The flooded roads were going to make travel difficult, which gave the group a good excuse to take more time to recuperate. 

Monica huffed, pinching the bridge of her nose as Shinigami's words blended with the memory of she and the others escaping their totaled car on the side of the highway. Lack of transportation would also make leaving extremely difficult. 

Unable to sleep as thunder shook the house, Monica sat up and meandered over to the bathroom. Her mind was swirling with all the problems at hand: the state of Shelby's mental and physical wellbeing, Raph's bitterness towards Shelby due to his deep grief, the fact that they were trapped in her dead relatives' house with no idea how to get to Washington D.C.. The weight of everything made Monica's head spin. She turned the water on, splashing her face with cold water and then using the dusty hand towel to dry it, taking deep breaths. 

She wished with all her heart that her mother was here. Her mom, Angelica, had the patience of a saint and was blessed with mediation skills that Monica found herself envious of, especially as she entered the medical field. Not only could she settle any argument between Monica and Andrés, but any member of their extended family. Even their abuela, who was a very traditional woman and less than understanding about anything she didn't agree with, could be soothed by a conversation with Monica's mother. 

Monica left the bathroom, making sure Raphael was still fast asleep before making her way to the living room, taking a seat next to the window. She broke off a corner of the thin, brittle plywood so that she could have a view of the outside. It was still dark, given it was about 3 AM, but every minute or so the neighborhood was lit up with a dazzling display of electricity, allowing Monica to see that the street was completely flooded and that water was beginning to creep up into the yard. Panic flickered in her heart for a moment as she worried about all her aunt and cousins' belongings stored in their basement, but it was extinguished as she realized that no one was around to need or want those things anymore. 

As she watched the rain fall, Monica decided that their group recovering from their injuries was probably the easiest problem she could solve at the moment. She firmly believed that there was little that she could do for Shelby's mental health at this point. As far as she knew, everyone else in her life had very much reassured her (either directly or indirectly through Michelangelo, as she never left her room) that they did not blame her for Casey's death. The only one who had not forgiven her was Raphael. The tricky thing was, Monica understood where Raphael was coming from as well. He was right that he was grieving on his own timeline and that he couldn't be rushed into truly forgiving Shelby. However, some conversation had to be had in order to make sure all three of them returned to New York alive. 

Monica huffed, scooting so that she was leaning against the wall instead of staring out the window. She tried to think of what her mom would do, and when she drew a blank, she tried to think of what Splinter would do. And that answer was to meditate on it. She got into position, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, losing herself in the sound of the rain beating outside. In and out, her chest rose and fell.

"Hello, Monica."

Monica's eyes opened, but she did not find herself in the living room. She was in a black void, with nothingness as far as the eye could see. She was still seated, though there was no concept of a ground beneath her. Next to her, Master Splinter was also sitting with crossed legs, eyes closed.

"Splinter." Monica sat up a little straighter. "What is... happening?"

"You must have began to meditate with me on your mind, and I just so happen to find myself meditating at this hour. Our energies have crossed into the same plane of existence. Tell me, Monica, what has you meditating at such an hour? Leonardo and Donatello have not heard anything from you, and they are starting to worry."

"We've ran into trouble, sensei." Monica muttered. "On our way to Shinigami's location, we were attacked by two hitmen hired by the Shredder. We were injured pretty bad and we're currently hiding out at my aunt's house. We're trying to recover before finding a way to get to Shinigami, but..." Monica hesitated. "Yesterday, I finally got Shelby to let me help her with her injuries, and she ended up telling me that she wished she was dead. And that she would have killed herself by now if it weren't for Michelangelo. And it's just-" Monica paused, taking a moment to calm herself, fearing that if she got too emotional, she would break her meditative state and lose contact with Splinter, "I'm not sure what to do. I think Raphael and Shelby need to talk, but Raph says he isn't ready to forgive Shelby yet."

Master Splinter was silent for a while- quite a few minutes actually, weighing all the information Monica spilled out. Monica sat at the edge of her seat, trying to maintain a steady breathing rate to avoid her heart rate rising too quickly. Finally, Master Splinter spoke. "Do you believe I need to send the other boys to either help rescue Miwa or at least bring Shelby back to the lair?"

Monica considered this. "I'll text Donnie in the next 12 hours if we need help. I'll... leave that decision up to Shelby."

Master Splinter nodded, stroking his long goatee as he stared at the abyss ahead of them. "In terms of Shelby's ideations, I do agree that a conversation with Raphael is in order. However, clearing the air between the two of them is just one blockage in the road to Shelby healing. What she truly needs is to forgive herself. And only she can give that to herself, no one else."

"I agree with you there." Monica stated.

"I also see Raph's insight that he is on his own path of grief. However, I want you to remind him of what I said before he left the lair, that he maintains his capacity to forgive. He who does not have the power to forgive does not have the power to love, and I know that is simply not true. Leave your heart open."

Monica chuckled. "I wish I could write that down so I could tell him that verbatim, but I will get the point across." 

Splinter turned to Monica. "How is your healing journey progressing?"

Monica looked at Splinter in confusion for a moment before remembering his final words to her back at the lair. "Well, I've definitely ended up doing a lot more grieving about my family than I intended on during this trip. I think I've been pushing a lot of this stuff down since the big incident because there was always something more pressing to think about. But... its hard. Being back in this house. I see my family everywhere and in everyone. Its making everything a lot more difficult to deal with."

"Remember that your mission is to help all three of you heal. And just like Raphael and Shelby, you may find you have an easier time navigating this grief if you confide in your allies." Master Splinter explained.

Monica smiled slightly and nodded. "That is a good reminder, sensei. Thank you."

"It is my pleasure, Monica. Please, update one of the boys as soon as you can. We anxiously await more news from the mission." With that, Master Splinter closed his eyes and vanished into a fine mist, which dispersed into the void. 

Monica followed suit, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, before opening her eyes back to reality. Except she was no longer in the living room, but back in the bedroom with her head laid gingerly on a pillow and a blanket draped over her body. Her eyes landed on Raph, who sat at the edge of the bed, meticulously placing his hand wrappings. When he noticed Monica was awake, his neutral expression instantly harden. "So what the hell was that last night?"

"Excuse me?" Monica's brows furrowed. "I am not in the mood for you to wake up and be a dick."

The harshness of her words seemed to catch Raph off guard. "Don't get snappy with me. You're the one that disappeared in the middle of the night and didn't tell me. I woke up and thought you got kidnapped by those two psychos or something!"

Monica paused. "Oh." She had not considered that. "Well, in that case, I'm sorry. I went downstairs to check on the rain and I ended up meditating down there."

Thunder rumbled above, reminding them that mother nature still had them confined to the house. Raph visibly relaxed with the apology. "Well, next time, shake me awake or something. Or come back upstairs when you're done meditating instead of falling asleep on the floor." He grumbled.

"I'll keep it in mind." Monica muttered, getting up and cracking her fingers. "Ready to get this over with?"

"Get what over with?" Raph asked.

"The Shelby intervention." Monica stated.

Raph scowled. "Remind me again when in our conversation I actually agreed to talk to her. Cause I don't recall."

Monica glared. "Do you remember what Splinter told you before we left? That the capacity of forgiveness is necessary for love, or something like that?"

Raph rolled his eyes. "Of course I remember. I'm not Mikey."

"Well, summon your inner Splinter, cause its time to suck it up and have a conversation." Monica snapped. As the tension settled over them, Monica had the after thought that perhaps she should take a gentler approach. That's what her mom would do. Always gentle but firm. Monica crawled over so that she sat next to Raph, placing her hand over his. He glanced at her with indignation and sadness. "Like I said yesterday... you do not have to mean this. But consider this a necessary evil if you don't want Shelby to kill herself. Which, I know I can't speak for Casey... but I feel like he would not want that."

Raph's gaze wavered before he looked to his hands, sighing. "Yeah, I know. You're right. It's just this talking thing... it's just not how I usually handle things. I'm not sure if I'll be any good at talking to her. Especially about this."

"I think that once you get the ball rolling, things will end up being easier than you think. And I'll be there the whole time to help if you need." Monica stated, and Raph nodded. 

Monica gathered the rest of her first aid supplies, hoping that after whatever conversation Shelby and Raph had, Shelby would allow Monica to finish up tending to her wounds. They made their way up to Carlos's room, and Monica rapped on the door. She waited a couple moments, but there was no response. She tried her luck with the handle, but of course it was locked.

"Shelby, we're not playing this game again." Monica stated loudly enough so that whatever Shelby was in the room, she'd be able to hear. "I've got Raph with me and we're all going to sit down and talk. We can either do it in the room or back down in the living room. Its your choice, but if you don't show up in the living room in 5 minutes, we're gonna come back up here and break the door down if you don't leave it open for us."

Monica turned and made her way to the stairs, Raph following in tow. "Very nice. I like when you use your no-funny-business voice on someone that's not me."

"You'd be on the receiving end of it less if you listened to what I said." Monica chided.

They sat in the living room and waited. At first, all they could hear was the pelting rain and occasional rumble of thunder, both far enough away that Monica considered if it might be an airplane, as well as so close that the entire house shook like a bomb exploded overhead. Eventually, the sound of creaking movements emitted from the second floor, and eventually the frail figure of Shelby entered the living room, taking a seat a good 5 feet away from either Monica or Raphael. 

The tension was so thick Monica feared that if she opened her mouth she may choke on it. Shelby sat cross legged and eyes tied on the ground, her demeanor unwavering, so Monica could see that there was no point in waiting for her to speak first. She looked at Raphael, who was looking at her with an irritated scowl. Monica gestured to Shelby with her eyes, waving Raph over. Raph rolled his eyes but obliged, scooting over so that he and Shelby were about a foot apart.

"So are we going to talk this out or are you going to stare at the floor and pretend I don't exist?" Raph asked. Monica appreciated the effort to keep the vile out of his tone but there was still a note of sass. Shelby looked up, holding Raphael's gaze. Whatever Shelby was feeling, she was doing a great job at keeping her emotions in check, her expression was neutral and her eyes betrayed nothing. 

"All right, let's get this over with." Raph started. "I overheard what you said last night to Monica. The cuts to control your emotions? Stupid. Thinking about killing yourself? Stupid. Basing your will to live off of what other people think of you? Mega stupid." Monica let out a quiet sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was not quite the opening sentence she was envisioning.

"My will to live is not based off of what anyone thinks except myself." Shelby interrupted. "I'm tired of living in a nightmare where I'm the monster who killed one of my best friends. This is not just me being upset because I feel like other people are upset with me. I hate myself. I hate myself and I don't think I should be allowed to exist if Casey can't." Shelby's voice wavered at the end of her last sentence, and she coughed, her face flushing with the effort to choke down her emotions.

Raph's expression didn't waver, but his voice was much softer when he responded. "Well... we both know that it wasn't actually you who killed Casey. It was your brother, which you also killed, so in a way," Shelby's lip quivered at the mention of her brother, causing Raph to trail off as he finished, "... you avenged him."

"Right." Shelby faked laughed. "Murdered my best friend, made up for it by murdering my little brother. That definitely makes everything peachy and makes me want to live life to the fullest!" 

"Yeah, I guess there's no real angle that makes it an easy pill to swallow." Raph muttered. "I'm really only saying all this stuff so Monica doesn't think I'm an ass." Monica glared, but Raph ignored her and continued. "I'll admit, this is still really hard for me. Being in the same room as you... its like I can feel my blood boil. I look at you... and I see Casey dying. Sometimes it just makes me angry. Sometimes... it's just unbearable."

"It is unbearable." Shelby whispered. "I see Casey everywhere. When I'm sleeping and when I'm awake." She looked down at her hands, clenching them in and out of fists, her eyes beginning to glisten as tears built up in her eyes. "I'm sorry I took your best friend away, Raph. I would do anything to bring Casey back. I really would. I dream of trading places with him every night so that everyone can finally be happy again."

As the tears finally started spilling over Shelby's cheeks and she looked to the floor, Raph looked over at Monica, doubt filling his eyes and he frowned, though his expression was soft. It was weird, but Monica felt she could read his expression perfectly, that he was doubting his ability to handle this situation. Monica gestured him to continue. Shelby had already let her walls down more than she did with Monica, it was imperative that they keep going. 

Raph shifted, as if weighing his options, before standing up and making his way over to Shelby. Shelby watched him warily as he sat down across from her. He sat close, causing Shelby to naturally lean away, and her eyes only continuing widening with uncertainty when Raph extended his hand to her. Monica's heart rate began to pick up as she waited for Shelby to respond. Seconds later, Shelby placed her hand in Raph's. Raph pulled Shelby closer, rolling up her yoroi sleeve.

"You can't possibly think this is the right solution to any of this." Raph commented.

Shelby sniffled, wiping her face with her free hand. "I never want to transform into the wolf that killed Casey ever again. The pain keeps me grounded and keeps me from transforming. It's a necessary evil." 

"Mikey would not like this." Raph stated, and at that Shelby's attempted to pull her arm away. Raph's grip, which appeared ginger, did not buckle. "Master Splinter would not like this either. I know Monica is not happy about it." The pair glanced at Monica, and she nodded in agreement with Raph's statement. "And frankly," Shelby looked back to Raph, "I don't like it either. But do you know who would really hate this?"

Shelby's lower lip quivered as she nodded, tears beginning to flow down her cheeks freely as Raph let go of her arm, allowing Shelby to cover her face. Raph scooted in closer, placing his hand on her knee. "Casey would be so upset if he saw us today. He would be pissed at me for being an asshole. He would be pissed at you for blaming yourself. And he would be pissed at both of us for holding onto all this for so long." Raph's voice quivered slightly at the end of his sentence, and Shelby's cries grew louder as her shoulders shook. 

Raph looked at Monica, unsure of the next move, when suddenly Shelby lurched over and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug as she sobbed into his shoulder. Raph's eyes widened with shock and his arms hovered, unsure if he should engage, looking at Monica for guidance. Monica waved him to go ahead, smiling. Raph slowly closed his arms around Shelby in an embrace. Monica watched the moisture build up in his eyes before he squeezed his eyes shut, pulling Shelby in closer. Monica found herself wiping tears from her cheeks as the energy of the emotional climax reached her.  

As they cried, Monica heard Shelby whisper, "Casey would have never blamed me for anything. He would have blamed the Shredder."

Raph responded, "Everything leads back to the Shredder. That's why we're going to take him out for good."