James' Point of View

HER WORDS left me speechless. Seeing her smile as if I didn't hurt her feelings was unbelievable. Well, I wasn't expecting na iiyak siya pagkatapos kong i-reject. Na-imagine kong mawawalan siya ng pag-asa at basta maglalakad o tatakbo papalayo.

Pero wala sa alin sa mga 'yon ang nangyari.

Her eyes, voice, and smile, I could tell by them that her hopes did not die. She was still hoping. Katulad nang sabihin niyang may gusto siya sa akin, hindi ko tuloy alam ang dapat kong gawin. Wala sa intensiyon kong saktan siya. Naisip ko lang na parang mas okay na magsabi ako ng totoo sa kanya right away. Ngayon? Nalilito na ako.

I was about to say something, pero nakalayo na siya sa akin. Gusto kong malaman kung ano'ng nagustuhan niya sa akin. Ewan ko lang, pero Bigla akong naging interesado.

Then, my eyes landed on what was in my hand. Oo nga pala! She gave me a letter that I assumed was a love letter. Mukhang nasa loob nito ang sagot na hinahanap ko.

Sa bahay ko na binasa ang laman ng letter.

Dear James,

I've been wanting to say these words to you, pero wala akong lakas ng loob na gawin 'yon. That's why I just wrote a letter for you.

I had a crush on you.

Mula pa noong Grade 1 pa ako, crush na kita. I never knew how it happened and started, pero sure akong crush talaga kita. Nagtagal 'yon nang ilang taon. Then, I just found myself one day, hindi na pala kita crush.

Because I already like you.

Gusto kita. Gustong-gusto kita. Watching you smile and laugh from afar has always been enough for me. For me, wanting you is enough. But I am still hoping that you would notice and like me too. I know parang malabong mangyari 'yon dahil sa 'yo, wala lang ako. But I am now willing to take risks.

Ini-imagine ko pa lang mag-confess, para na akong hihimatayin. Pero para sa 'yo, gagawin ko.

James, I like you. I really do. And I really hope these feelings will be reciprocated.

Love,
Stephanie

I felt something strange while reading it. It was the kind of feeling that I never felt before. Hindi ko naman 'yon pinansin. Matapos magbasa, I didn't move and stared at it. Kinailangan kong gawin 'yon para ma-process ang lahat.

"James, kakain na -"

My eyes widened in surprise as I stood up. Para akong nakahinga nang maluwag matapos kong makita ang mom ko na nakatayo sa aking pinto. Sobrang lalim ng iniisip ko kaya hindi ko napansing nakatayo na pala siya roon o 'di kaya'y naramdaman man lang ang kanyang presensya.

I tried to smile. "Susunod na po ako, mom. Magpapahinga lang po ako sandali."

"Are you okay, James?" I nodded my head. Her eyes landed on the letter I was holding. Agad ko namang itinago 'yon sa likod ko. "What's that?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing, mom." I smiled again. "Mauna na po kayo roon. Promise po, susunod ako."

Nanliit ang kanyang mga mata sandali. "Sinabi mo 'yan, ha? Alam mo namang hindi kami mag-i-start kumain hangga't wala pa ang isa man sa atin."

"Opo, susunod po ako."

She closed my door and left.

I looked at the letter once more. Lumapit ako sa basurahan para sana itapon 'yon, ngunit may pumigil sa akin. It was nothing but a piece of paper, something which contains feelings that weren't reciprocated . . . yet I chose to keep it instead. I put it inside a box na naglalaman ng mahahalagang papel.

"Oh! James is already here! Let's start eating na," sabi ni mama nang makita akong naglalakad palapit sa hapag-kainan. Hinintay nga talaga nila ako.

"Sorry for making you wait," I said as I sat on my chair.

I looked at my brother when he spoke, "Kuya, we don't need your sorry. Just don't make us wait next time. Ang sarap ng ulam, pero dahil wala ka pa, kinailangan pa naming maghintay."

Ngumiti ako at ginulo ang buhok ng katabi ko. "I promise, my little bro, it will never happen again. Sorry talaga."

He removed my hand from the top of his head and gave me a deadly glare. Ayaw niya talaga sa nakasanayan kong gawin. "And don't touch my hair again. You're not allowed to do that anymore."

Itinaas ko ang aking mga kamay na parang kriminal na sumusuko sa pulis. "Okay, pasensya na."

Ang nag-iisa kong kapatid na si Brix at ako ay may malaking pinagkaiba. He was always serious at mahirap biruin habang ako nama'y may pagka-childish at stubborn. (Ang honest ko, 'di ba?). Para ngang siya ang nakakatanda at ako ang nakababatang kapatid dahil mas nagmumukha siyang matanda sa mga kilos at pag-uugali niya.

"How's school, my sons?" tanong ni dad sabay subo. That was usually his way of starting a conversation - asking us about school.

"It's the same as it ever was, dad. It's fine. Perfect ko ang lahat ng quizzes. It's just a bit tiring dahil kinailangan kong mag-recite nang mag-recite," Brix answered. Ganyan naman ang lagi niyang update, kaya hindi na 'yon bago sa 'kin.

"Eh, ikaw, James? You must be tired like your brother."

I shook my head. "I am not, mom. Gaya ng sinabi ni Brix, it's the same as it ever was so it's not exhausting for me. Sit in the classroom, listen to discussions, finish the activities. I just needed to do the same things every day. Sanay na 'ko."

"Yeah, of course, you will never get tired of it. Doing the same things is never tiring if it's as simple as that. 'Di ba, kuya?"

Our mom's eyebrows furrowed. "Brix, bakit ang mean mo sa kuya mo? Sa hapag pa talaga, ha."

"Hayaan mo na, mom. Tulad sa school routine ko, I'm also used to Brix. Ganyan po talaga niya ako lambingin, medyo harsh," nakangiting sabi ko.

That was true. Well, not everything I said was true. It was true na sanay na ako sa harsh na pag-uugali ni Brix. Sa tagal naming magkasama, alam ko nang gano'n talaga siya - serious na harsh. Tanggap ko siya, kaya hindi 'yon problema sa 'kin. And the last thing I said? It was a lie. Actually, if my memory served me correctly, never pang naglambing itong si Brix. Sa bangungot lang yata posibleng mangyari 'yon.

"I was not being harsh, kuya. I was being honest," he said, and I just laughed it off.

"Brix!"

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain, at napuno ng katahimikan ang paligid. No one dared to break it. Ang tangi lamang naririnig ay ang ingay na nagmumula sa mga kutsara't tinidor.

"James, okay ka lang ba talaga?" Tumingala ako para tingnan si mom. "Para kasing may pinoproblema ka. You were staring at nothing kanina, and it seemed that something was bothering you, so I thought -"

"Wala po akong problema, no need to worry 'bout me, mom. Okay lang po talaga ako."

"But you were overthinking and -"

"Mom, boys are different from girls. We stare at nothing sometimes too, but that doesn't mean that we're overthinking. Madalas, sa tuwing nakatulala kami ay wala kaming kahit anong iniisip. We're not like girls na halos palagong nag-o-overthink," Brix stated, sounding like a professor.

"Brix, I was not talking to you and -"

"Your son's right, Jane. Malaki talaga ang pinagkaiba naming mga lalaki sa inyong mga babae." She looked at him. "And that's a fact. A fact, Jane."

"Who told you na pwede kang sumingit sa usapan?"

Oh, no. Wrong move.

"I'm sorry, honey. Akala ko pwede na akong magsalita-"

"Maraming namamatay dahil sa maling akala," pagpuputol niya kay papa. "Akala mo mababaw 'yong tubig, and you dive into it. Pero hindi pala. So, what's gonna happen? Malulunod ka. Akala mo tuyo 'yong kalsada - but it isn't - 'tapos nagpatakbo ka nang mabilis. Siyempre, you would end up in an accident. At ang pinakamalala, akala mo mahal ka rin niya, kaya umasa kang pwede kayo. Malamang, dahil sa mailing akala, masasaktan ka lang sa huli at pwede mo pang ikamatay 'yon."

"Parang may pinanghuhugutan ka, hon, ha?" natatawang tugon ni papa.

She rolled her eyes. "Huwag ka ngang mag-talk hangga't walang permiso ko, nakakairita. And Brix, I heard you mention the word madalas. That only means na hindi palaging walang iniisip kayong mga lalaki sa tuwing tulala."

I couldn't believe na umabot ito sa debatihan. Kailangan ko nang itigil 'to dahil ako ang puno't dulo. "Mom, I'm really okay. Nothing's bothering me."

She hadn't realized, pero katulad ni dad, nagkamali rin ng akala si mom. Wala akong pinoproblema. I also wasn't overthinking. I was just processing what I read a while ago. That letter, pahamak, eh.

"Are you being honest or are you just telling me that para hindi ako mag-worry? I hate liars, you know that, James."

"It's the former, mom," I answered.

"Hon, may I speak now?" singit ni papa sa mahinahong tono.

My father, Brian, had always been like that. Palagi siyang nagpapakumbaba (o tulad ng itinatawag ng karamihan, nagpapaka-under) kay mom. Kahit nga alam niyang wala siyang kasalanan, kadalasa'y nagmumukhang meron sa harap naming lahat. And I knew why.

Ayaw niyang magka-problema o magtalo man lang sila ni mom. That was how much he'd loved her. Tandang-tanda ko pa ang sinabi niya sa 'kin once: "Girls are like customers. They are always right. Kaya tayong mga lalaki, kahit wala tayong nagawang mali, we should still apologize when being asked to."

She looked at her and nodded her head. "Okay, you're now allowed to open your mouth and speak your opinion, hon."

"Thanks, hon." He gave her a smile. "I don't think James is bothered by just anything, he's bothered by someone. Eh, ano pa ba? It must be a girl! Right, my son?"

Oh, bullseye.

He always knew me. Pareho kaming lalaki, kaya hindi nakapagtatakang mas alam niya ang takbo ng utak ko kaysa kay mom. Ah, no! He was wrong! Hindi si Stephanie ang gumugulo sa 'kin kundi ang letter na ibinigay niya.

My mother gave me a questioning look. "May girlfriend ka na ba, James? Why didn't you tell us? When are you going to introduce her to the family?"

Huh! What made her think that? Ni crush, wala ako, tapos girlfriend pa kaya? Wala pa 'yon sa isip ko, 'no. Imagine, Grade-6 pa ako. And let me make it crystal clear, I was single by choice, not by chance. Stephanie was the living proof. Sadyang hindi pa ako ready-ng makipagrelasyon.

"Mom, I don't have a girlfriend, okay?"

"Dapat lang, kuya. Ni briefs mo nga, hindi mo pa kayang bumili, 'tapos mag-g-girlfriend ka na?" I heard Brix say.

"Brix, tumigil ka na." She gave him death glares. "Okay, back to you, James. If you really don't have a girlfriend, then who's been bothering you? Is it your crush?"

I shook my head. "Promise po, wala talagang gumugulo sa 'kin. And I don't have a girlfriend or crush. Kanina, I was just thinking about something which wasn't important, so huwag n'yo na pong isipin 'yon."

"Mabuti kung ganoon, James. So, nagkamali lang pala ako ng akala."

"Marami ang namamatay sa maling akala." Pinatay ni mama sa tingin sa papa matapos niyang sabihin 'yon. But he just smiled as he held her hand. "Tinatandaan ko lang 'yong sinabi mo, hon. Huwag kang magalit. James, it wouldn't be a problem with your mom and I kung pumasok ka sa isang relasyon. All we want is before you enter one, makilala muna namin siya. And just a piece of advice, my son. You should never be in a relationship with someone you wouldn't marry. That means before you two get into a relationship, you should have already seen your future with her, with the family. And someone who is going to be part of this family ay dapat lang naming makilala ng mom mo. Right, hon?"

"Yup," my mom replied, nodding her head. "Gusto ko rin sanang first love mo ang iharap mo sa altar. Gayahin mo kami ng dad mo. We're each other's first love. I know most people believe that first love dies, but that doesn't matter. What matters is you and your own story, James. We know you're too young to hear these words, James. But that's also the reason kaya ka namin sinasabihan. Before it's too late and before you have regrets, you should know this, anak."

I knew by just listening to my parents that they were serious. Hindi sila nakikipagbiruan at hindi nila gawa-gawa lang ang mga payo nila. It was all based from their own experiences. Experience is really the best teacher.

I had always been grateful to have them by my side, serving as my guide and support as I went through life. They were always there to teach me on what was right and wrong. But like they said, I was too young that time to take everything they said seriously. Parang pumasok ito sa isa kong tainga at lumabas naman sa kabila. Halos walang kahit anong naiwan sa utak ko.

A smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise man learns from other people's mistakes. You don't actually need to make mistakes before you learn. If you don't want to have regrets, matuto kang makinig at matuto sa iba.

I wished I knew it all sooner than later. But I guess it is easier to keep the most valuable lessons in life deep inside your heart through your own experiences. When it came to a dumb boy like me, I guess words would never be enough.

Others may think that I got everything, but I actually never did.

Because of that . . . I didn't know that I would look back in regret. I never knew that I would regret not remembering all the words they said to me.

If only I knew that it was going to happen, siguro'y isinulat o 'di kaya'y ini-record ko pa 'yon.

Napahinto ako sa pagbabasa nang mapansin ang sunod-sunod na pagpasok ng ibang estudyante sa aming classroom. Hindi namin sila classmates, and if I wasn't mistaken, they were all from fifth grade. Napakunot na lang ang aking noo.

"Vacant ba ang seat na 'to?" The girl who asked was to Lisa, one of my classmates.

Lisa nodded her head. "Oo, bakit?"

"Makikiupo kasi ako. Pwede ba?"

Muli siyang tumango. Kahit may pagtataka kung bakit sumulpot ang babae ay sumagot pa rin siya, "Yeah."

Nakahanap na ng mauupuan ang iba sa kanila. Marami ang absent sa klase namin kaya't marami ring vacant seats. Ang iba naman sa kanila'y may dalang kanya-kanyang upuan, na karamiha'y mga lalaki.

What are they doing here? I thought.

"Dito na ako, ha -"

Someone was about to sit on the vacant seat next to me, pero bigla kong inilagay ang kamay ko roon. I looked at the girl and said, "May nagmamay-ari na ng upuang 'to. Maghanap ka na lang ng iba."

That was a lie. The truth was, absent ang katabi ko at ayaw ko siyang makatabi.

Para siyang natakot sa akin bigla Maybe it was because of my poker face. Umalis siya sa harapan ko matapos sabihin, "Okay, sige."

"Hi!"

Tumingala ako at bumungad sa 'kin ang babaeng matamis ang ngiti. I couldn't tell if her lips were naturally red or if she wore lipstick. Sa sobrang pula ng labi niya, para na iyong coloring book.

She pointed to the seat. "Pogi, pwe -"

I shook my head. "Sorry, pero hindi pwede."

"Ha? Why?"

"May nagmamay-ari na ng upuang 'to," I repeated the same words I said to another girl a while ago.

"But -"

"Sorry, you really can't take this seat. Kung ako sa 'yo, maghahanap na lang ako ng iba, may vacant pa diyan."

"Ang damot! Sayang, pogi ka pa naman!" She rolled her eyes as she flipped her hair over her shoulder. Then she suddenly disappeared.

Ipinagpatuloy ko na ang pagbabasa. Iilan pa lang ang napasadahan ng mata ko nang maramdaman kong may nakatayo na naman sa harapan ko. I didn't know but from toe to head, my eyes scanned her like they had an x-ray vision in them. Oh, Lord. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the girl's bright smile. It was Stephanie, the girl who confessed her feelings to me.

Her smile was so beautiful. Maybe that was why I couldn't avert my gaze and only stared at her. Dahil doon, hindi ko siya napigilang umupo sa tabi ko. When she was already sitting beside me, I came back to my senses.

"Thank you, ha?" she said, still smiling. Her smile, it was so gorgeous!

Kumunot ang aking noo. "For what?"

"For reserving this seat for me. Thank you talaga, James. You don't know how happy I am right now."

What was she talking about? Oh, this girl was assuming. I had to make things clear before she went further. Baka umasa pa siyang magugustuhan ko na siya.

"Mali ang iniisip mo." Her smile almost vanished when she heard that. She was hurt and hoping at the same time. "May nakaupo na talaga sa upuang 'yan, he just went outside. So, I suggest na maghanap ka na ng vacant seat."

She stared at me for a moment. My eyebrows furrowed when her smile became wider. "You're lying. Right? Kasi kung may nakaupo nga rito, eh bakit wala rito 'yong bag or kahit anong gamit niya?"

I thought before I answered, "Dala-dala niya ang bag niya nang lumabas siya."

She stared at me like a detective. That made me look away. "Confirmed! You're lying. Walang nakaupo rito."

"Meron."

"Wala," she said, shaking her head repeatedly. "You can't fool me, James."

"I am not trying to fool you, Stephanie."

"You remember my name?" Parang kuminang ang kanyang mga mata. "When did you know it? Have you known it for a long while now or noong binasa mo lang ang sulat ko?"

I didn't answer. And maybe I lady luck was smiling at me because that was the moment our teacher walked in. Inilibot niya ang kanyang paningin sa buong klase. "Siguro ay nagtataka kayo kung bakit lumipat dito ang mga grade-5. Their teacher isn't around. Actually, pauuwiin ko na sana sila, pero naalala kong ang iba sa kanila'y hindi naglalakad pauwi at wala pa ang sundo. Mahirap na at baka may mangyaring unexpected. Kakaunti lang din sila, so I decided na mag-sit-in sila sa atin."

Pagkatapos no'n ay nagsimula na siyang mag-discuss. Stephanie was taking notes while listening. I stared at her for a few moments and wasn't able to prevent myself from asking. "Why are you taking notes? I don't think we have the same lessons."

She looked at me and smiled. "Gusto ko lang. Nasanay na kasi ako 'cause I always do this sa tuwing nagpapaliwanag ang teacher. It's also easier for me to analyze what's being taught kapag isinusulat ko," sagot niya.

Mabuting estudyante nga talaga siya. Sa panahon ngayon, karamihan sa mga kaedad namin ay hindi na pag-aaral ang iniisip kundi ibang bagay. Like playing video games all day, chatting with strangers or what they called "jowa" online, spending all their time trying to make their crush notice them. Well, yeah, she liked someone - and that was me. But she didn't let it get in her way toward her academic goals.

Ang hirap pigilang humanga sa kanya.

Tumingin ako sa harapan upang mag-focus na sa klase. While I was listening, I could see Stephanie through my peripheral vision glancing at me. But I pretended not to notice.

"Joseph, okay ka lang ba?" I heard Kyle ask his friend.

"Bakit? Siyempre, 'no. Gwenchana, gwenchana,"

"Weh? Tingnan mo, ang swerte ni James, 'no? Katabi niya crush mo, oh."

Ano'ng masuwerte rito? They had no idea how much uncomfortable it was to receive countless glances from someone you didn't know that much. Para nang may katabi akong stalker, eh.

"Yeah, ang swerte niya," tugon niya. "'Yong puso ko, nagsisimulang mapuno ng selos."

"Nagseselos ka? Sign na yata 'yan, Joseph. Baka hindi mo lang happy crush si Stephanie - baka mahal mo na!"

I looked at Stephanie who was busy taking down her notes. I wondered kung paanong hindi niya naririnig ang usapan ng dalawa kong kaklase. Kakaiba siya mag-focus sa pag-aaral, nagiging bingi.

Hindi man siya nakakasawang masdan, ibinalik ko na ang atensiyon sa teacher namin. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang pagsulyap sa 'kin kaya't napapalunok na lang ako o 'di kaya'y nagpipigil ng hininga. I wished I could tell her how uncomfortable she was making me feel just by simply doing that. The feeling was so "strange" that it almost gave me a heart attack.

"Maaari na kayong umuwi! Bye, class! Ingat, ha?"

Pagkasabi pa lang no'n ni ma'am ay agad na 'kong tumayo. And when I was about to walk to the door, Stephanie called my name. I raised an eyebrow at her.

Tumayo rin siya. May ngiti sa kanyang perpektong mga labi. "James, I like you."

"Come again? Seriously?"

She nodded her head. "You heard it right, James. I like you, and I mean it."

"Can I be honest with you?" Pinigilan kong magtunog na naiinis. "I don't feel the same way. The feeling is not mutual 'cause I don't like you."

It must have been really challenging for her to confess her feelings, but that didn't matter right now. What mattered was what I had to say - that I didn't feel the same. And saying it was as easy as breathing. Wala man akong intensiyong manakit ng damdamin, she had to hear the truth straight from my mouth.

I may be immature most of the time, but I knew what I did was right. Mas mabuting masaktan na siya ngayon na alam ang nararamdaman ko kaysa masaktan sa dulo dala-dala ang pag-asa at assumptions na baka interesado rin ako sa kanya.

Mas pinalawak niya ang kanyang ngiti. "I still like you, James."

Huh?

This girl was really something. Kasing-tigas yata ng bakal ang lakas ng loob niya. Ang mas nakakagulat ay wala man lang bakas ng sakit sa mukha niya.

Nakakabulag ang matamis niyang ngiti kaya kinailangan ko na siyang talikuran. Nang malapit na ako sa gate, may biglang umakbay sa akin. It was Gavin - a friend of mine and also my classmate. But we were not that close. Hindi kami madalas mag-usap at magkasama.

"James, how did it feel to sit beside a beautiful girl?" 

I wanted to remove his arm from my shoulder, but I didn't. "I felt nothing. And she's n-not beautiful, she's just cute."

"What?" Siya na mismo ang nagtanggal ng kanyang braso. "Cute? Ambaho! Pambata kaya ang adjective word na 'yan! Are you blind, James? Magpatingin ka kaya sa EO?"

"What's wrong with saying that she's cute? I just said the truth, Gav."

Just because she was beautiful to them didn't mean I also thought the same thing. May sarili akong mga mata at opinyon.

"Truth? Maganda kaya siya. Ayaw mo pang aminin, eh."

"No, she's not," I said firmly and walked away from him.

FOREVER WITH YOU
TiffGRa (Tiffany)