noun ~ a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen

CHARLIE

I lost track of time a long time ago.

I wasn't sure when it was, or what time of the day it was anymore.

Oddly, it was a relief to not worry about mundane things. It felt natural to submit my body clock to nature. The sun's pattern in the sky was always something to rely on, and I recognised that autumn was approaching when it set earlier.

So far, nothing worse has come from the hellbent attack on Calida's old pack. Her wolf was still as feral and wild as it was when we first left. But I was gaining a few moments of time to hunt for myself now. Her mood swung like a pendulum. Some days she would leave me left overs like I was a stray pup, some days I couldn't get within six feet of her.

I took it as it came.

Every day was a new day in the wild. If you over thought it, then you'd never survive.

You had to be able to move on from the past, and move on from what you have done. You have to be able to hunt; to take lives of the innocent animals around you in order for yourself to survive. And you had to be wary of what would happily take your life.

A poisonous plant, a wrong step down an incline, a human trap, or an animal that wanted to test your strength.

Have I ever mentioned that good things take time?

Well, they do. Like Calida. I had hoped she'd come back to me.

But the other side of that is the question of balance. For every good thing that happens, there has to be a bad thing somewhere. For every move, there was a countermove.

For now, we were on the upstream. But the further we ventured through the slither of no-man's-land, the more my body tensed with apprehension. At one point, I felt like somebody was right beside me, breathing into my ear.

But it was just my mind, because nobody was here. Just me, myself and I.

Smooth sailing never lasted, so I hoped that my delirium went with a night of sleep.

As the sun went down on another day, my body yearned for something I was unaware of. My wolf was on edge too, the slight twisting of uncertainty in our gut.

I knew I needed to shift back tonight; if we even stopped. Going by Calida's movements over the past hour, she was looking for somewhere to camp. She always moved with her head hung low, her pace slower.

Eventually, she found a spot she liked and proceeded to scent-mark the area. I remained in the shadows, leaving her to her space. She purposely pissed right before me, huffing at me with agitation.

She didn't like me following her.

But she didn't chase me away anymore.

I think she understood she was stuck with me.

She hunted a decent sized hog, and I had a hard time muffling the whimper of wolf as he caught the scent of it. I had long since grown immune to the hunger pangs, but Axel fucking loved pork.

We remained on the border of her grounds, surveying the surrounding area. I could feel my ears twitch with every movement, and every scrape of bone had my eyes darting back to her.

As the sun set, she rose from her kill and cleaned her snout in the grass. Her eyes looked around before lazily landing on me. She huffed, clearing her airways before she glanced back at the kill. I felt Axel preen with interest, rising to all fours as she walked away with one of the pig's tusks in her jowls. When her tail swished once, we knew we had a chance.

Carefully, and so as not to disturb her as she groomed, we slunk toward the mostly eaten pig. When she didn't react to our intrusion, I pulled Axel forward so he could feast. Blocking him from my mind was easy as I sank into thought, trying to figure out the she-wolf opposite me.

I noticed when we were close to her mission; she tolerated me less. Now it was over, and the months before the attack, she was used to me. I just hoped there was nowhere else she wanted to go, because I didn't want the tension again.

If she truly was avenging her human counterpart; I couldn't think of any more enemies that Calida had.

Her father, alpha, and the twat that harboured her, are dead.

There was nothing left of that.

She destroyed their buildings and homes. Killed the man who harmed her. Tortured him, really.

What else was there?

Axel signalling he was finished drew me from my thoughts. It was getting dark now, and I hadn't realised how long I had been zoned out for. Eying Calida, I found her 'asleep'. Her eyes were closed as she faced me, her head resting on her paws, but I knew she wasn't truly asleep. When her wolf slept, it was in a ball with her back to the tree.

I hesitantly shifted back, and she obviously heard the sounds of my body shifting because her eyes popped open and her head shot up. I gasped as I turned to human skin, sinking down into the tall grass and plants that surrounded me. Looking away from her intense gaze, I glanced down at my body. I received a few cuts and scrapes from the teeth and claws of the wolves that chased us, but they were healed now. I ran my finger over an old scar, frowning as my skin turned pale beneath my touch.

My entire body seemed... sickly.

My grimace deepened as I looked at my arms and stomach, unhappy with the lack of muscle tone.

If Phoenix could see me-no, if Nova could see me now; she'd never shut up. They would reprimand me before prepping me, as if I were the heaviest person on earth. She wouldn't care if it was muscle or fat. She'd force me to eat either way.

My lips curled into a smile at the memory of my pack, a deep longing in my chest. Although my wolf was mostly wild, he had a limited vocabulary and understanding of my human world. He accepted Nova as his leader, and Phoenix too, although he was below Nova in his eyes.

Nova was like a god to him. He'd move mountains for her if she asked of it. Much like Calida, Nova was his family.

If she ever knew he loved her so much, her ego would inflate to the point of no return. She was already so bossy, imagine what she'd do if she knew how much the wolf was obsessed with his luna.

But then again, this was Nova we were talking about.

The only time she'd ever be so bossy was when she was pregnant. And despite Phoenix's persistent need to fill their home with children, I knew Nova would not let his gigantic babies inside of her again. And if it happened again... Kind of glad I wasn't there for the terrifying appearance that was pregnant, Nova.

As the sun disappeared the exhaustion set in. There was a slight chill in the air, and I rose to my feet, ready to shift. Stepping away from the carcass of the boar, I noticed Calida's wolf watching me from the corner of my eye.

Puffing up my chest, I let the shift through slowly. I hoped it would make her think and hoped she'd possibly realise she could do it too. That the wild beast could settle into something more domesticated.

But she didn't seem to care, staring with an uninterested slow blink. Sighing, I hurried the shift, landing on all fours and shaking out my fur. I took hold of the hog and buried it, hiding the scent so nobody would disturb us tonight, before gracefully pissing all over the dirt mound. Huffing when it was finished, I found a spot to curl up in and sleep.

My eyes on my mate, I huddled in the tall grass before sighing softly with contentment.

Who knew sleeping on the grass would be so comfortable?

Perhaps it was the exhaustion talking, but it didn't take long for me to commit to the pull of sleep.

But the sleep never lasted long.

Through my dreams, I felt like I was being watched.

Somebody was in my mind.

The memory of my mate tearing into her father plagued my dreams. Of the people we murdered in our escape and the damage caused to the old rogue pack.

Somebody was searching for me.

I felt their gaze penetrating the wilderness, focusing on me through the trees. Their eyes peered down at me, scrutinising me. I felt conscious; aware of my scruffy, feral look and lack of gumption.

Somebody was calling my name.

Like a soft tugging in my mind, my ears twitched as I searched my dreams. I was still in the forest, still in the same place I buried the boar mere hours ago. Nobody would come near us, and I knew I was safe in my dreams.

But yet...

I felt the jerking.

Somebody was trying to find me, to talk to me.

I wasn't sure how I knew, but the longing in my chest deepened. The weight of holding it inside was dragging me down to the ground, sinking until my entire soul ached.

Lonley.

I was lonely.

Selfish.

I shouldn't be lonely. I had Calida with me.

Sadness.

I missed home.

I missed my friends and family.

My birth family...

Lost.

I was so lost.

What was I supposed to do?

Where was I supposed to go from here?

Winter was coming, and the acknowledgement made the ache worse.

Where would we go?

What could come from this?

Would Calida ever come back to me?

Too many questions, too few answers. The future was too fickle, too unknown, and it oddly... scared me.

I never thought I'd be anxious before.

I've never been nervous before I met Calida.

I have felt fear. I have stared death in the eye.

I watched my mate die before my eyes, terrified that I'd be alone. Terrified that I'd lose myself to my beast.

The only hope I had came as a tiny, bite-sized lycan who saved my mate, who saved me.

But now... even she was gone.

Both of them.

My mate succumbed to the wild. Her consciousness was asleep for an unexpected amount of time. She could come back tomorrow, or never. I may never have my mate again.

And if I didn't, would I still be here? Or could I move on and let her be?

Would she remember me? Would she visit me?

What if, in years to come, I give in and retire, and then she turns back? Will she hate me? Will I regret everything?

What was I supposed to do?

Please, just... somebody tell me what I have to do.

But then the tugging came, lulling me into comfort. A soft whine that reassured me I'd be fine because I was me.

I could handle anything.

Exhaling, the weight vanished, disappearing from my shoulders until nothing else was there.

It turned into a hole.

But a hole was better than the guilty, horrid weight of reality weighing me down.

I could deal with a hole.

I could fill it with empty promises and thoughts. Stuff it with food and optimism; all the what-if's I could think of.

It would be fine.

I'd be fine.

Calida will be fine.

It will all make sense in the end.

So gently, I pushed away that tugging, reassured it like I reassured myself.

Because right now, out here, I only had myself.

And this hypothetical person breathing down my spine.

I'm okay. I breathed.

But whether or not I was telling the truth, was something I'd never know.