noun ~ a worried or nervous feeling about something

PHOENIX

Returning from the Valborga pack came with a large amount of relief. My blood pressure had been the highest it has since I found out Nova was pregnant again. Knowing she was on the verge of passing out at any moment was just as bad as knowing she couldn't stomach any food without feeling sick.

I wanted to feed her until she was triple the size. I wanted her to stay in bed as I waited for her every call.

But Nova was stubborn. And Goddess knows I had it in for me when the twins were older. Four against one would not be easy. The bond was forming between my unborn child, and despite how much Nova didn't want to know what this one was, I couldn't help but latch onto it. With the twins, I had been uncertain, but I couldn't help compare the similarities and differences between the two pregnancies.

We were on the plane now, a stubborn feat thanks to Gaia. She was clever with her wording, and the moment she told me it would be safer to travel by vehicle, because of the baby, I had to agree. I knew she was manipulating my thought process, of course. I wasn't that blind to her ploys.

I was supposed to be sleeping, supposed to be curled up beside my mate in the bedroom at the back of the plane. But I couldn't. I held her until she drifted off, but my mind wouldn't shut down. She was exhausted a lot lately, but I wasn't. It wasn't even midnight, so not that late.

So, I kept telling myself.

My stubborn little mate had turned me into a worrier.

I am worried about her safety. For her mind. I am worried about our children and their futures.

I've never been a worrier before. I always closed off the part of my mind that let me feel such things. To show such a vulnerable emotion would end up with more consequence than good. And anyone could easily exploit fear and anxiety.

And because of that, my grey scale life turned to colour. Things I never noticed before, shadows and dark colours that waited. The colour that now glossed my eyes was showing my weakness. Too many colours, too many things to focus on.

People knew I'd do anything to protect my pack and my family. We were one. That was the point of a pack.

It appeared I wasn't the only one who recognised the vulnerability having children had caused us.

They wanted lycan blood.

They wanted to turn human to wolf.

They wanted her children for their gain.

It was sick.

The entire fucking world had their reasons, and all of it always came down to power. I feared it would never end, and the ache in my chest only grew as I worried about how much longer I would be around.

Would I live to my hundreds to be with my eternal mate?

Or would I perish in a war that had no meaning?

My skin tightened as I forced down a shift.

I wouldn't let it get to that. I wouldn't put myself or my pack in harm.

Today, Nova publicly showed her talent to wolves we did not know well. No doubt the whispers would pass that she truly was so gifted. I wondered how they would twist it; wondered what they would say behind closed doors.

In some ways, I wish she had something simple. I wish she was like her brother. Pollux was strong and wise for such a young male, and his gift was subtle enough that people wouldn't want it. The only thing they'd want from him was his blood; not his bite nor his children, because he didn't pose the threat that Nova did.

But then what would happen if my mate lost all of that? What would Nova be without her gift, without her blood? Would it take away her every quirk? Her questions of nature, her stubbornness, her kind heart, her clumsiness?

If Nova were a mere werewolf, would she still be the same?

The answer was no.

Her gift had shaped her mind and her soul. Her wolf was never hers, but at the same time, was always destined to be. Yin and yang, black and white, day and night... You could never have just one.

For there was no Nova if there was no gift.

Just as much as there was no me, if there was no more Nova.

I couldn't lose that.

I wouldn't do that.

So, I'd do everything I could to prevent that.

Even if it meant staying up till midnight to figure out the path that Calida and Charlie may take next. I didn't want to send someone after them, despite the fierce protectiveness I felt. It was Charlie's choice to chase a feral rogue hellbent on revenge and bloodlust. I just had to support that.

After figuring out the path they had taken, I realised they were always heading toward the Valborga pack. What was worse; it was mere miles from the land the rogues claimed. Judging by Calida's brash actions, I could only assume that was their next target. So where next?

As my mate slept, I forced myself to work. I needed a busy mind, otherwise I'd pace a trail into the newly carpeted plane.

I wanted to check up on the two of them, and make sure neither of them had sustained injuries beyond repair. To take on so many trained wolves in less than ten minutes was a lot.

I checked in on Leo, making sure he was doing well. To my amusement, he was handling the alpha job easily, but the job as a mate was hard. Molly was experiencing pains and hormone swings that every mated man should fear. She still had a week or so to go; her last child came a little early, so I assumed this one would as well. Her daughter was full of life and energy, and I silently pitied the quiet household that Leo wished to have.

Speaking of quiet households, it would soon be time for me to send my evaluations to Alexander. He and Theia have done little since they came into power, and I was debating on making it a personal visit so I could speak to them about that.

Packs were growing hungry for more, and it wasn't my job to set rules and laws.

It was Alexander's.

I gave him the job for a reason; he was a firstborn in a line of other first born's. Yet he was... quieter. Edward was brutish, and his parents, our grandparents, were the same. But Alexander had retreated, and despite keeping his emotions hidden like the rest of us Mora's, he was intelligent. He was not the strongest. I feared one punch would kill him, but he had guards to protect him. Or Theia.

I doubt she'd let anyone near him. She'd sense their intentions right away.

I still wasn't sure how I felt about a witch being in control, but that was another reason I wanted to visit.

She had to know Selma.

She had to know the woman my mother befriended.

Witches know everyone, right?

Theia was like Gaia and refused to upset the future. Gaia was obsessed with nature and balance, but Theia... She was brave and sharp. I'm sure she'd tell my mate something, at least. They seemed to have made some kind of alliance.

She knew more about Apollo than we did, too.

Another reason I was unsure about her being in power.

There was a sudden prodding at my mind and my head snapped up as I realised Nova was dreaming. She was stirring; the bond calling for my comfort. I was about to get up and go to her, to hold her, but then the image of Calida's wolf came into my mind.

I paused, closing the lid of my laptop to focus my attention.

This was the first vision she'd had in a while, and she hadn't shown me it yet. I felt like I was prying, but... She was projecting it to me. I'd stop if she got upset.

"You okay?" Sean wondered.

I hummed a yes. "Just... thinking."

Sean eyed me before nodding and resting his head back against his seat. I focused fully on Nova now, following her through Charlie's eyes. Calida seemed unscathed; with only a few bloodied tears to her fur.

Her wolf was currently tearing into the male that Nova claimed was her father. Charlie's wolf didn't like it, and yet my mate... She didn't react as Calida tore off the male's head and tossed it to the ground.

Then they were running, and as Nova disconnected from the vision, we stared at Charlie's limping form as he passed the pack border.

He looked worse for wear.

But then the vision shifted, and no longer were we staring into the woods, but inside the rogue pack. I felt Nova tense, a soft whimper escaping her as she recognised the place. But then Calida began to destroy it all, and ever so slowly, Nova realised it was a dream and watched her friend caused mass destruction.

I focused on Charlie again.

He was sitting on his haunches, his head bowed, with his ears pinned as Calida destroyed the home that once housed her. His wolf was whining, but otherwise he stayed where he was. For hours, he stayed in that one spot as the other wolf destroyed.

Charlie was holding Axel back, and Axel seemed even more agreeable in listening. Considering the environment he was in, his ability to hold Axel back impressed me. The lack of communication must've been frustrating, too. Charlie was the type of person to always need stimuli, and I knew that Calida's wolf was not giving it.

Whenever she came near him, he'd tense and submit his throat. The wolf would huff and storm off, destroying something else. And then when she was done, and the sun was going down, she stopped. With not even a glimmer of communication, she ran into the trees. Charlie hesitated for a split second before following her, a slight limp to his gait.

It seemed Calida's wolf was only just tolerating him. The body language was all off. Charlie was bold to be around such a dangerous beast.

But the moment he stood, I inwardly winced.

He looks horrible.

Despite the scent of the river that came from him, his fur was matted and patchy. I could see his shoulders and hips jutting from his skin as he jogged after her. His body was weary and underfed, and I growled lowly at the understanding.

He wasn't eating.

He was an excellent hunter and the best tracker on this damn planet. People used to seek him for his ability to hunt and trap. That was Charlie's entire public persona; he could find anybody with tracks or a scent.

So why wasn't he eating?

Going by the strange relationship, I'd assume she doesn't like him and he can't leave her alone. Wherever she went, he followed.

He's worrying himself to starvation

But Calida... She is one to reckon with. She was powerful and large; full of strength and instinct that you'd expect from an older wolf.

Her father was a beta wolf, and she's mated to a beta wolf. With Nova's blood in her veins...

Who knows what beast we have created?

It was a shame she did not recognise Charlie and merely put up with him like a crocodile would a bird.

But even crocodiles snapped in the end, and I just hoped it was another wolf and not Charlie.