Mental illness is not only difficult for those who have it but also for their loved ones.

At least for those who chose to stay, offer support and unconditional love.

For those who do not understand, I would probably come off as normal.

Dahil kapag wala akong manic or depressive episodes, I am the most charming person you'll ever meet.

Amiable and friendly, always willing to help.

Sa oil and gas office kung saan matagal na akong nagwowork as an administrative assistant, I was known to be congenial.

Hindi mahirap pakisamahan at madali din akong pakiusapan lalo na when it had something to do with doing overtime or taking over someone's work when they're absent.

That is because walang may alam tungkol sa bipolar disorder ko.

My therapist, Dr. Patel, made me choose.

Sabi niya, it's up to me kung gusto kong sabihin sa mga coworkers ko.

I just have to be prepared for the consequence.

Hindi lahat ng tao, magiging understanding.

There is the also the stigma that comes from having a mental illness.

Pag-isipan ko daw mabuti.

I chose not to tell them anything.

Natakot kasi ako na baka people would treat me differently.

Kaya naman when I have my depressive episodes, ang hirap magtrabaho.

First of all, ayokong pumasok.

Yung sinasabi nila na I have to literally drag myself out of bed, totoo iyon.

I don't want to drag myself out of bed.

Ang gusto ko lang, matulog at magtago.

My bed is my safe space at kapag pilit mo akong inalis dun, I panicked.

I always used up my sick days.

Kapag naubos na, I just suck it up and not get paid.

Nagbayad ka na nga for a doctor's note, hindi ka pa kumita kasi hindi ako pumasok.

It was a good thing na Mama taught us to save money nung mga bata pa kami or else hindi ko alam kung saan ako kukuha ng mga pambayad ng bills.

It's a crap shoot to be honest.

Namumuroblema ka na nga kung anong gagawin sa sarili mo, iniisip mo pa kung yung savings ko will be enough to get me through the dark days.

I don't like those days.

Those are the hardest to combat dahil everything is low.

Mababa ang self-worth ko and during those times, doon din pumapasok ang mga negative thoughts.

Like killing myself for instance.

When I'm down, that's when I feel more tired.

Not just of life but of everything.

That's when I want to put an end to my suffering.

I considered moving to Switzerland or Belgium.

Legal kasi dun ang medically assisted suicide.

I never told anyone about this.

It requires a lot of preparation.

Isa pa, I'm sure my mother will be very upset.

She's a devout Catholic who believes that prayers can move mountains.

Lagi niya akong pinagdarasal.

Nagnonovena siya para matulungan ako.

But we both know that prayers are not enough to help me with this mountain of emotions na lagi kong hinaharap.

After ako ihatid ni Joy sa bahay, I asked her to stay a little bit dahil ayokong mag-isa.

I wasn't in a party mood pero I was afraid of the ideas na pumapasok sa isip ko.

Nangangati ang mga kamay ko.

Gusto kong buksan ang laptop ko dahil I want to shop more.

I guess I had my second wind on the drive home.

Bago kami makarating sa apartment ko, I have this idea of going on a trip to California.

Gusto kong pumunta sa LA.

I want to have my picture taken sa Hollywood sign.

I told Joy about it.

She asked if I trust her with my credit card.

Mukha naman siyang mapagkakatiwalaan so binigay ko sa kanya ang card.

I also asked her to call my sister, Ruby.

Dumating si Ate bandang nine na ng gabi.

Sa oil and gas din siya nagwowork as an accountant and she had a late meeting.

She was surprised to see Joy na katabi ko habang nanonood kami ng cat videos sa YouTube.

That was the first time they met.

My sister gave her a quick once-over.

Joy was wearing scrubs.

Akala ni Ate, isa siyang nurse.

Ako na mismo ang nagsabi kung bakit nasa apartment si Joy.

Medyo nagulat si Ate ng sinabi ko na I was manic.

"She knows." Hinawakan ko si Joy sa kamay.

I think my sister was more intrigued about the hand holding than the declaration of my mental state.

Binigay ni Joy ang credit cards ko kay Ate.

Bago siya umalis, sinabi niya na tawagan ko siya if I need her.

Si Ate ang nagsara ng pinto.

Nakangiti siya ng humarap sa akin.

I didn't miss the naughty gleam in her eyes.

"Are you dating her?" Tanong niya habang binubuksan ang purse para itago ang credit cards ko.

"No, well, not officially. I don't know. We're friends."

Natawa si Ate dahil I was a bumbling idiot.

"She's not going to be a product of your manic episode, right?" Umupo siya sa tabi ko habang inaalis ang high heels gamit ang kanang paa niya.

"I hope not. Why do you ask?"

"You just broke up with Dean. Si Dean na hanggang ngayon eh kinukulit pa din ako tungkol sa'yo."

Oo nga pala.

I blocked his number.

After the break up kasi, tawag siya ng tawag.

Nang hindi ko sinasagot, text naman ng text.

Sa asar ko, I blocked his number kahit pa memorized ko ang work at cellphone information niya.

"But do you like her?"

"Who?"

"Si Joy." Tinusok niya ako sa braso.

Mahaba at matalas ang well-manicured nails niya.

"I do. She's nice and she's not afraid of me."

"Em, baby, you're not a monster."

"I know I'm not but you know what I mean."

Tumango si Ate.

Alam niya ang history ko dahil she was always with me through everything.

Pareho sila ni Kuya Jett—supportive and loving.

Sayang nga lang at sa Vancouver nakatira si Kuya kasama ng wife niya at dalawang anak na babae kaya hindi namin siya laging nakikita.

We messaged each other on Skype everyday.

Parang may sensor si Kuya pagdating sa akin.

Kanina lang sa mall, nagmessage siya to ask kung kumusta na ako.

I told him I was having a manic episode.

The first thing he asked was if I could drive myself home.

The second question was, kung kailangan niyang tawagan si Ruby or sina Mama to pick me up at the mall.

They also worry when I'm in my manic state.

I tend to have road rage and get into fights with people dahil I can be very sarcastic and short-tempered.

"Why don't I spend the night?" Tumayo si Ate at lumakad na papunta sa spare bedroom.

"Bryan has Mica so I'm by myself." Pumasok na siya.

Paglabas, may dala na siyang pajamas.

My sister is divorced. Mica is their eight-year old son.

"Thank you." Sabi ko.

"Kumain ka na ba?" Tanong ko bago siya tuluyang makapasok sa washroom.

"Snacks lang. Why? Do you have food?"

"May leftover pizza and pasta sa fridge." Sigaw ko hoping she can hear me behind the closed door.

"Did you say pizza?" Nilabas niya ang ulo sa pintuan.

"Yes."

Ate likes pizza.

Pareho sila ni Joy.

Pagkabihis ni Ate, tumabi siya sa akin sa sofa bitbit ang box ng cold pizza.

I clicked on Netflix.

It was her turn to choose the movie.

"What do you feel like watching?" Tanong niya.

"Ikaw na ang bahala. It's your turn anyway."

Tumutok siya sa TV para maghanap ng movie.

She stopped when she saw Fast & The Furious 8.

She likes bald men and Vin Diesel.

I moved closer then laid my head on my shoulder.

"Do you want some?" Inalok niya ako ng pizza.

"No. I'm good."

Binalik ni Ate ang atensiyon sa palabas.

It's during moments like this I'm thankful to have a supportive and loving family.

Being with me is not easy.

I don't find it easy being me.

But during the toughest days, when I feel like I have nothing else to hold on to, these memories come up and pull me back from jumping off the ledge.

Some days,  the voice of reason wins.