Complicated.

If someone were to ask how I would describe myself, yan ang isasagot ko.

Dahil yan ang totoo.

Bago nangyari ang first suicide attempt ko, ramdam ko na may kakaiba sa akin.

Unlike my siblings and my friends, I was overly sensitive as a kid.

Madali akong umiyak, madali akong matakot, madali akong sumuko.

I remembered I got sick the very first time I went to school.

Nakakatakot kasi yung grade school teacher.

She looked so stern with her thick round glasses, tight bun, and drab ensemble which was black pencil-cut skirt and neatly-pressed white top which was buttoned up to her neck.

The first time I saw her, napalunok ako.

When she took my hand, I thought I was being taken away from my family.

When I was properly diagnosed, lalong naging complicated ang buhay ko.

Hindi ko kasi matanggap.

Ayokong maging bipolar.

Ayoko ng mental illness.

Gusto kong maging normal.

Ang sabi ni Mama, makakatulong daw sa aming lahat ang diagnosis dahil alam na namin ngayon kung ano ang dahilan.

Hindi gumaan ang loob ko.

I didn't find comfort in the fact that there's something wrong with me, with my brain and my fucking mental function.

As a teenager, how do I tell my friends?

How do I explain my depression?

How do I make them understand that despite my sickness, I'm still the same person na nakilala nila dati?

I'm still the same thoughtful, generous and affectionate friend who remembers everyone's birthday.

How do I not scare them off?

Slowly, I changed.

I withdrew from them.

Hindi kasi ako laging makasama sa mga lakad nila lalo na kapag inaatake ako ng depression.

I couldn't go to the movies or the mountains.

I could barely get out of bed.

It was only Treena who stayed.

She visited and insisted na kausapin ko siya.

Hindi daw siya aalis.

Kung kinakailangang maghintay siya sa harap ng pinto, gagawin niya.

It was the dead of winter.

I couldn't let her die from frostbite.

Inamin ko sa kanya ang lahat.

Sinabi ko kung ano ang nangyayari.

She listened without judgment.

We cried together.

Niyakap niya ako and she gave me a promise.

Kahit anong mangyari, hindi niya ako iiwan.

That day I knew she was my first love.

We built a relationship.

She helped me live.

Hawak kamay naming hinarap ang challenges ng buhay.

Palihim nga lang.

Sa harap ng ibang tao, we were bestfriends.

But when we're alone, we're girlfriends.

We shared a lot of firsts.

Kiss, sex, heartaches.

During my bad days, lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin to try harder.

Kung hindi man para sa kanya, para sa sarili ko.

God knows I did.

I tried so hard I thought it would kill me.

But then tao lang din naman si Treena.

Napapagod, sumusuko.

When I tried the second time by drowning in the river, ang sama-sama ng loob niya sa akin.

Senior high school na kami noon.

She was looking forward to us graduating together.

Naghintay siya until I was better (a temporary word to describe my condition).

Inamin niya na nahihirapan din naman siya.

Na hindi lang daw ako ang nagsasuffer.

Siya din.

She told me about the gossip about us.

Hindi niya daw alam kung alam ko pero alam niya.

Pinag-uusapan kami pero tinitiis niya lang lahat.

Hindi niya sinasabi sa akin dahil ayaw niya akong mag-isip.

Ayaw niya akong mapressure.

Pinagtapat pa niya na she was confronted in the bathroom by a group of girls.

Pinilit paaminin kung lesbian siya.

Tinulak, sinabunutan, kinorner.

Wala siyang inamin.

She told them to fuck off.

"I'm always trying to be strong but I'm dying inside." Umiiyak siya.

"You don't have to be strong for me." Niyakap ko siya.

Nag-iyakan kami.

That day, I set her free.

I want her to be happy.

Ayaw niya.

She just needs a break daw.

But I couldn't bear to see her suffer some more.

Tama na iyong isa lang sa amin ang nahihirapan.

I know she made a lot of sacrifices for me.

Bago siya umalis, tinanong niya kung galit ako.

"Of course not." I tried to smile.

"You are the greatest thing that happened to me." Sabi ko.

Totoo.

Treena saved me.

At the time when I couldn't see any point in my existence, dumating siya.

Kumatok, nagpumilit pumasok.

She braved the severe cold para makita ako.

To me, that was the bravest act of love someone could ever give me.

She gave me time.

She gave me a chance.

Treena kept her promise.

Hindi niya ako iniwan.

Kahit pa she moved on with other women, we kept in touch.

She sent letters, pictures, e-mails.

When she moved to BC for university, patuloy kami sa pagti-text.

Yung love na dating namagitan sa amin transformed into a great friendship.

She tells me everything.

She knows everything about me.

Before I dated Dean, kinausap ko siya.

She was surprised.

"You're bi then?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you were with me. Now you want to be with him."

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not. I shouldn't label. You're not a soup."

Nagtawanan kami.

She congratulated and wished me luck.

I got a text from her this morning.

This was before I left Joy's apartment.

I read it then stared at my phone for a long time.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa phone.

Paulit-ulit na binabasa ang message.

Hindi ko madescribe ang nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang irereply sa kanya.

I know she's waiting for me to say something dahil she texted me again.

"Say something."

Tiningnan ko si Joy.

She was sleeping soundly.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo.

Pumunta sa banyo, naghilamos.

Bago ko siya iniwan, sinilip ko siya ulit sa kuwarto.

Tulog pa din siya.

I found a notepad and wrote a quick note.

Paglabas ko nang condo, I didn't know where to go.

Nagping ulit ang phone.

Treena texted.

I glanced at the message and walked to the parking lot, unsure of what to do.

She's getting married.