The shock expression on Joy's face was something I won't forget for a long time.

"Say something."

"I don't know what to say."

"Why do you seem upset with what I just told you?"

"Don't you want to have kids?"

"No."

Bumagsak ang balikat niya and I felt like I failed a major test.

Isang test na walang retake dahil once lang pwedeng kunin.

"Do you want kids?"

"I do." Walang paga-alinlangan sa sagot niya.

Narinig ko ang sizzle mula sa kawali.

Natutuyo na ang sabaw at nagmamadaling dinagdag ko ang mushroom.

Matagal ko ng niluluto ang recipe na 'to but today, parang hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko.

"Did you tell Dean?" Hindi pa tapos sa pagtatanong si Joy.

Nakasandal siya sa countertop but she was no longer looking at me.

"No."

"Bakit hindi?"

"Dahil ayokong dagdagan pa ang mga expectations niya sa akin. Besides, I was ready to break up with him bago pa nangyari ang tungkol sa pregnancy."

Lalong nanlumo ang itsura niya pero hindi ko naman magawang pigilan ang sarili ko sa pagsasabi ng totoo.

I really like her.

I may be a lot of things but one thing I'm not is a liar.

Pero nararamdaman ko na with every truthful answer, Joy was taking a step back from me.

Sa mukha niya, nakikita ko na she's stunned.

I felt uneasy.

"Did you at least tell anyone about it?"

"Alam ni Ate."

"Anong sabi niya?"

"Desisyon ko daw. It's my body, my choice."

"And you chose to jump off in front of the train ganun ba?" There was anger in her eyes.

Nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko.

"I'm not that black and white." Pagtatanggol ko sa sarili ko.

"I made a lot of decisions that I regret."

"But taking your life wasn't one of them, right?"

Now I felt like she's judging me.

My defenses automatically went up.

"Sinabi mo sa akin dati na hindi mo ako huhusgahan. You're doing the exact opposite at nasasaktan ako."

She backed down a little bit.

Dati, masaya ako kapag nagluluto.

I can't say the same thing right now.

Natapos ang niluluto ko na tahimik lang si Joy.

I was thinking na baka magbago ang isip niya at umuwi na lang pero she stayed.

When Ate Ruby arrived, she put on a happy face.

The two of them hugged then we all went to the kitchen to eat.

Ate announced na she just got promoted.

Ako ang tao na unang gusto niyang makaalam.

Masaya si Ate na kabaliktaran naman sa nararamdaman ko.

Pinakikiramdaman ko si Joy.

Nakikinig siya sa sinasabi ni Ate, sinasagot ang mga tanong at nagtatanong din.

Pero kita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya kahit nakangiti siya.

Oo nga at saglit pa lang kami magkakilala pero she wasn't her usual morbid self.

She was very appropriate around Ate and I know that's how it should be.

It's just that I felt she wasn't being her true self.

Pagkatapos kumain, nilabas ko ang cheesecake.

Ate was more than happy to have a slice dahil tulad ko, she has a sweet tooth.

Patuloy sila sa pagkikwentuhan at tahimik lang ako.

Sanay na si Ate sa mga moods ko kaya hindi na siya nagtatanong kung bakit tahimik lang ako.

Sigurado ako na kung anuman ang mga sasabihin niya, makakapaghintay kapag dalawa na lang kami.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali.

After dessert, Joy stayed for a cup of coffee.

At ten o' clock, nagpaalam na siya.

Hinatid ko siya sa lobby.

"Joy, can we talk about what happened?"

"Not right now." Malungkot ang itsura niya and it hurt me to see her like this.

I was the reason why she's sad.

Pero I didn't do anything wrong.

Honesty is not always the best policy pero di bale ng masaktan ako sa pagsasabi ng totoo kesa magsinungaling ako to make both of us feel better.

Besides, I am the one who has a lot to lose lalo na at gustong-gusto ko siya.

I stepped forward to kiss her pero nilayo niya ang mukha niya kaya umatras ako.

She went out the door without giving me a second look.

I was heartbroken.

Pagbalik ko sa apartment, may hawak na glass of red wine si Ate habang nakaupo sa sofa at nanonood ng concert ni Adele.

"Tell me what's going on." Tinapik niya ang space sa tabi niya.

Pabagsak akong umupo.

"She's mad at me."

Tumaas ang isang kilay niya.

"Why would she be mad at you?"

Sinabi ko sa kanya ang nangyari habang nagluluto kami.

"What specifically was she mad about?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know."

Umikot ako para magkaharap kami.

"I think she was upset over the fact that I didn't want kids."

"Does she want kids?"

"Yes."

Uminom muna si Ate bago nagsalita ulit.

"You've only been officially dating for a few weeks right?"

"Yes."

"Seryoso na ang mga pinag-uusapan niyo ha?" Nginitian niya ako.

"Does it mean you're both in this for the long haul?"

Malalim na hininga ang sagot ko sa kanya.

"At this rate, Ate, I'm not sure about that."

Pinatong niya ang isang kamay sa hita ko.

"Em, sweetie , give her time. From the start, alam niya naman na things are not going to be easy di ba?"

"Oo, Ate. Pero what if makipagbreak yun sakin?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Hayaan mo muna siyang magpalipas ng galit."

"Paano kung hindi lumipas ang galit niya? What am I going to do?"

"Then you reach out to  her. Mag-usap kayo. Lay all your cards on the table at kung hindi niya kayang ihandle ang situation, then make a decision."

"Why do I feel like this?"

"What do you feel?"

Tumulo na ang luha na kanina ko pa pinipigil.

"Bakit natatakot ako na mawala siya sakin?"

Inabot ni Ate ang box ng Kleenex na nasa ibabaw ng coffee table at humugot ng isang tissue.

"You really are in love with her aren't you?"

Tumango ako bago suminga sa tissue.

"Then prove to her that you are worth loving back."

"Paano kung naturn-off na siya sakin dahil sa mga sinabi ko?" Humugot ako ng isa pang tissue.

Naghahalo na ang luha at sipon ko dahil sa pag-iyak.

"Then it's her choice."

Inangat ni Ate ang mukha ko.

"Em, you are worth loving just like everyone else. You're smart, thoughtful and when it comes to love, the most generous person I know."

I scoffed at what she said dahil I don't see myself that way lalo na kung depressed ako.

"If Joy thinks you're not worth loving because of what you told her, then she doesn't deserve you. Also, she's making a big mistake."

Uminom siya ulit.

Somehow, gumaan ang pakiramdam ko dahil I know Ate was not saying those things just to make me feel better.

Alam ko na she's telling me the truth.

"Now, stop crying." Humugot siya ng tissue at pinunasan ang pisngi ko.

"If she won't love you for who you are, she doesn't deserve your tears."

That night, hindi ako makatulog.

Ate Ruby left my apartment before midnight at naghanda na akong matulog dahil I was exhausted physically and emotionally.

Pero hindi naman ako dinalaw ng antok.

I kept thinking of what happened to Joy and I.

Naguguilty pa din ako sa mga sinabi ko kahit pa sinabi ni Ate na wala akong dapat ika-guilty.

Tumagilid ako at kinuha ang iphone sa nightstand.

Wala man lang siyang message sa akin.

Bumangon ako at sumandal sa headboard, nagtatalo kung ite-text ko ba siya o hindi.

Nagtype ako ng short message.

"I'm sorry."

Yun lang.

Mga sampung minuto din ang lumipas bago ko ito sinend.

Naghintay ako ng sampung minuto ulit for a reply.

There was nothing.