What's going on between Emerald and I was not a secret.

It's just something we chose not to name.

Baka kasi kung anong meron kami, mapre-empt kaya pinili namin na i-enjoy na lang ang company ng isa't-isa.

Pero ang totoo, the more I get to know her, the more I learn na I like her a lot.

Aside from being highly intelligent, inquisitive and funny, I feel more like myself kapag siya ang kausap ko.

Lahat napag-uusapan namin.

She is not weirded out by my morbid humor.

Sabi niya, I'm talking to someone whose mind is occupied by death and dying ninety-nine percent of the time so that makes me normal.

We both laughed at that.

I don't oppose or stop her whenever she talks about being normal.

I just listen.

I encouraged her thoughts and I can relate to that desire.

Sino ba naman ang ayaw ng buhay na hindi nakatali sa medications, therapy schedules, doctor's appointments and the dark thoughts that invade her mind all the time?

Sino ba naman ang may gusto na laging nahihirapan?

I also told her about Sheila.

It wasn't planned.

But she slept over one night at imbes na sa sofa ako matulog, she suggested we slept on my king-sized bed.

"It's big enough to accommodate both of us."

Nothing happened though.

Other than talking and holding hands, we woke up without any hanky-panky from the night before.

I told her about Sheila because she found the shoebox under the bed.

Nasa shower ako at ang sabi niya, nahulog ang isang hoop earrings na suot niya.

Sumuot sa ilalim ng kama and she touched something.

When she pulled it out, it was the shoebox with all the letters and photographs I thought I got rid of when I threw away Sheila's stuff.

To be fair, hindi niya binuksan.

Tinanong niya ako kasi she got curious.

We talked about my ex at the breakfast table.

Amidst the bread toasting, butter spreading and coffee brewing, kinuwento ko sa kanya kung ano ang nangyari.

When I got to the part where I told her how Sheila crossed a busy street, got hit and died on the spot, tumayo si Emerald to give me a hug.

I told her I hesitated telling her about that part because I was afraid it would give her an idea.

"You mean you're afraid I'm going to cross a busy street, get hit by a car and die?" Hindi siya kumurap.

"Yes."

"Believe me, Joy. I already tried that."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm still here aren't I?"

The way she said it made me laugh.

As in, tumawa ako ng tumawa hanggang sa maluha ako.

"You are so weird." Sabi niya bago kumagat sa toasted white bread.

"This coming from someone whose mind is obsessed with dying?" Banat ko naman.

"Oo na. Obsessed na kung obsessed. Pero tingnan mo naman. I'm still here. Alive. All in one piece. Ayaw yata sakin ni kamatayan eh. Kasi no matter how I try, I evade death."

"How much do you want to die?"

"Before I met you?"

Natigilan ako sa paglalagay ng butter sa slice ng white bread.

"What do you mean before you met me?"

"Kasi, bago kita nakilala, I want to die a hundred percent of the time. The more na hindi ako nagiging successful, the more determined I get."

"Anong nagbago?" Hindi ko na mapigil ang ngiti na sumilay sa labi ko.

Gusto ko kasing marinig ang sasabihin niya tungkol sa akin.

"When I met you, I realized na may isa pang dahilan to keep doing my list."

"What list?"

"My Why I Should Stay Alive List."

"You have that kind of list?"

"Yes. I like lists."

I made a mental note of this.

"Pang-ilan ako sa listahan mo?"

"Number 143."

Lalong lumaki ang ngiti ko.

"Bakit ngingiti-ngiti ka diyan?" Inabot niya ang butter at humiwa ng isang malaking slab.

"Do you know what that number stands for?"

"It stands for something?" Nagsalubong ang kilay niya.

"Yes. At least in the Filipino dictionary."

"Sige. Anong ibig sabihin nun?"

"I love you."

"You love me?"

"Yes. No. That's not what I meant."

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa tapos tumawa siya.

Uminit ang pisngi at ilong ko.

Kahit hindi ako tumingin sa salamin, ramdam ko na I was blushing hard.

My hand was on top of the table at kinuha yun ni Emerald at pinisil.

"Ang cute mo na nun pa pero lalo kang nagiging cute kapag ganyan ka."

Lalo akong namula.

"Totoo ba iyong sinabi mo?" Hawak niya pa din ang kamay ko.

"Ang alin?"

"Yung I love you?"

Tiningnan ko muna siyang mabuti bago sumagot.

Baka kasi trick question.

I don't know how to answer it.

"I won't be offended if you tell me you love me, you know? In fact," Hinipo niya ang thumb ko, "I would like to hear it from you."

"Why does it have to be me?"

"Because you started it." Nanunukso ang tingin niya.

"I didn't start it. You did."

"I was talking about a random number. Ikaw itong nag-open about it's meaning or symbol or whatever."

"You're right."

"Hindi ka ba natatakot?"

"Saan?"

"Sa akin. Sa sitwasyon. Sa mental illness ko."

It was my turn to hold her hand tight.

"Hindi."

"Bakit hindi?"

"Kasi alam ko na you are more than your mental illness. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You make me laugh, you tell me things I don't know, magaling kang mag-isip ng mga alternatives and strategies on how to make life more efficient, you're good with money and..."

"And what?"

"You make me happy."

"Joy," Inalis niya ang isang kamay para pisilin ang ilong ko, "you're crazier than I am."

"I guess I am."

Lumungkot ang tono ko.

"I also didn't expect to fall in love with Sheila. She had severe depression. My friends warned me pero hindi ako nakinig."

"At ngayon you're doing the same thing with me."

"I wasn't looking for love naman. It found me."

"If I say yes to you, life is not going to be easy. My mood is not always going to be like this. The summers in my life are shorter than the summer in Calgary. My thoughts are a hurricane and anytime, it could destroy me."

I raised my hand and touched the side of her cheek.

"I will be with you kahit anong season pa iyan. Even in the bleakest of winter, I will be beside you. We will suffer together."

"But I don't want you to suffer, Joy. I want to keep being that person who makes you happy." She stroked my chin.

"My happiness will be my choice."  Kinuha ko ang kamay niya to kiss her palm.

"You really are crazy." Pinagdikit niya ang mga noo namin.

I hugged her tight and inhaled the smell of her lavender shampoo and the coconut-y fragrance of her body lotion.

She was so warm against my body and I like how it felt.

"What am I going to do with you?" Bulong niya.

"Just say you love me too para quits na tayo."

Humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap ko.

"I do love you. Nung nasa mall pa lang at muntik na tayong magtalo dahil tinanong mo ako kung manic ako, I knew then that you are special."

"Why?"

"Because you weren't afraid to ask the hard questions."

Wala akong masabi.

We spent the morning cuddling in bed after that.

Our conversations focusing on how to deal with what life has in store for us.

"It's not going to be easy." Sabi ni Emerald habang pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri ko.

"Love is never easy." Sagot ko naman.

"Kapag dumating ang time na nahihirapan ka, come back to this bed and remember those words you just told me right now."

"I will."

I embraced her tight.

She didn't need to warn me.

Alam ko naman kung ano ang pinapasok ko.

She wasn't my first rodeo.

But just like the first time, you hold on to hope.

You hope and you tell yourself na sana, your love will be stronger than the hurricane in her head.

Sana, she can find something to hold on to when there is a threat of being blown away.