Chapter song: "Unsteady" by Ambassador

It was like a dream, one that I didn't know how to wake up from.

I was falling into what seemed like a deep and pitch-black bottomless chasm. Darkness surrounded me. No signs of light or life anywhere. It was only me.

Reality and time were nonexistent in this remote dimension.

What was happening?

I became afraid that I would become stuck in this place forever...stranded in limbo where no one can save me. I needed to get out of here, but where was my safe haven?

My diminishing hope suddenly ignited by what I soon saw.

At the end of the tunnel, a small faint of light appeared out of nowhere. That light grew brighter and brighter as I fell closer to it. Soon, it blinded my vision completely.

In a flash, I found myself in a new place.

My bare feet felt the warm soft sand.

In front of me laid a beautiful ocean with the bright orange sun drowning in the horizon. Shades of dark purple, blues, and reds colored the waves of the water as they glistened from the rays of the sun in the growing darkness.

Extending out into the crystalling waters was a long, white wooden deck with a small white sail boat docked at the end.

As I observed how beautiful this setting was, I heard a child's laughter from behind me. I turned to see a little boy running past me onto the deck. His brown hair swishing back and forth as he ran. His eyes reminded me of someone I knew.

I watched him run down towards the sail boat and I noticed there was now another figure in the boat. It appeared to be a figure of a man. He waited for the boy to run into his arms.

Unknowingly, I edged closer to them.

The little boy whispered something into the man's ear and pointed towards my way. Soon they both turned to look in my direction.

I glanced to my left and then to my right for signs of other people, but there was nobody else. Were they waiting for me?

They must be waiting for me.

I stepped onto the deck, leaving behind the shore. As I approached closer, I recognized who the tall figure was...

I hadn't seen him in so long. It felt like an eternity ago since I've been near him. I've missed him so much over the years.

But why was he here? What was he doing here? And who was the little boy by his side?

"Papa, is that you?!" I called out.

The man smiled and waved at me. It was him. My heart caught in my throat as tears began to surface.  They began to sail away, and I attempted to run towards them, but my feet didn't budge. They were glued to the deck.

"Where are you going?!" I called out desperately, recognizing that it was really my Papa.

He peered down at the little boy, and they both smiled at me.

I wanted to go with them too. I didn't know where they were headed but I needed to see him. I needed to talk to him. To ask him how he's been and if he's been eating well.

"Wait for me! I'm coming too!" I cried. "Papa! Wait!"

My pace finally picked up, but when I ran halfway across the deck, a voice called out from behind me.

"Ally!"

It seemed familiar...His voice...it appeared to belong to someone dear to me too.

I slowed and stopped, hesitant whether to turn around.

Something held me back from going any further towards the boat. I spun around to find the owner of the voice. My eyes landed on him. He stood a few feet away at the edge the deck from where I stood earlier, his smile pleasant and soft.

When did he get here?

He tenderly extended out his hand to me, motioning me to take it. That smile...it brought a quiet warmth over me, a feeling I'd never forget.

But that warmth suddenly dissipated when I remembered the two people in the boat. Papa and the boy were waiting for me. I couldn't let them go alone on this journey.

My time was running out, and I needed to make a decision.

I gazed into the far horizon, hoping it would give me a sign. Half of the sun almost completely gone from the skyline. I was afraid...would I regret my decision? I didn't know what I wanted or what I should do. I wanted to go to Papa and the cute little boy, but there was still Henry too.

When I looked back at Henry, he was still holding his hand out to me. His hopeful smile remained as he raised his brows slowly, asking me to go to him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I have to go."

.....

Everything in my view was blurry as I slowly opened my eyes.

The room was dark. The only light visible radiated from the two lamps hanging next to the bed.

I noticed the time on the clock, confirming that it was night time. In big, bold red numbers was 10:30 pm.

What day was it? Where was I?

I attempted to move, but my muscles were numb. My body writhed all over with a dull pain and my head felt a little light. 

I slowly tried to move my fingers until I felt someone's hand holding onto my right hand. I already knew who they belonged to without even having to look.

I blinked a few times, focusing to get a clearer view. I noticed him sleeping next to me, sitting on a chair and hunched over the bed. Eventually, he gradually lifted his head to look in my direction. His red eyes widened once he saw that I was awake.

"Ally!" His voice filled with concern and relief, but mostly relief. "Thank god."

"Henry?" My voice could barely be audible. It felt like a sandbag had been tied to my lungs as I spoke.

"Yes, it's me. It's Henry." He placed a hand on the side of my cheek and reached up to plant a soft kiss on my forehead. "You remember me ... I was so worried..You have no idea how scared I was."

"Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital."

I scanned the room, trying to figure out what happened and why I was here.

Slowly I started to recall my memory as the events leading up to this moment flashed through my mind.

The party. The picture. The rain. The lights...

No ...

I freed my hand from Henry's grasp and placed it on my belly, ignoring the soreness of my muscles. I felt around for any signs of my baby ....

This time...it was different.

It felt empty ... lifeless.

No ... this wasn't it. This wasn't how it's supposed to be. This must be a dream.

I desperately continued feeling my belly. Henry watched me in silence. My eyes darted towards his and his broken expression confirmed it all.

"Baby Kale...is Baby Kale alright?" I urgently asked Henry.

I grabbed both of Henry's hands and pleaded, even though I knew the unbearable truth..."Henry...tell me. I beg you. Please tell me Baby Kale is okay."

Henry's eyes brimmed with tears but he painfully swallowed them back. "Ally, Baby Kale...left us."

Those last two words jolted a deep pain from within. I felt it right in my chest. It was the kind of pain that I never wanted to feel ever again, but it was happening once more. And it was hurting me a thousand times more.

What did I do to deserve this? Every one I had ever loved always seemed to be leaving me, one by one.

"No! No!" I began to cry. "Baby Kale...I felt him, Henry. My baby...he was still here. He was right here underneath my heart where I carried him."

"Ally, I'm sorry. Baby Kale has left. He's gone forever."

"Stop!" I placed my hands over my ears, shaking my head uncontrollably. I refused to listen to anymore of Henry's nonsense. The weird things he was saying didn't make any sense to me.  "No, no, no..."

"I'm sorry, Ally. It's the truth."

"No, you're lying. You always lie to me. This is just one of your lies you're telling me, right. It has to be." I threw the blanket aside and trembled as I  pulled out the IV from my arm. I moved off the bed towards the door, but Henry moved in front on my path, wrapping his arms from behind me.

"Where are you going? You don't have enough strength yet, Ally. You need your rest. Please, I'm begging you. "

"I'm going to find Baby Kale. I need to find him. Let me go, Henry," I replied hopelessly. "I need to bring him back. Henry, he's waiting for me."

Henry grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him. "Ally, I told you already. Baby Kale is gone. He's not here anymore."

At that moment, I couldn't contain my emotions any longer. I wept. I sobbed. I broke down uncontrollably as both of my hands began beating at Henry's chest, but he didn't care. "Why didn't you tell him to stay?! Why didn't you save him?!"

Henry pulled me into his arms despite my resistance against him. One arm wrapped firmly around my back as the other securely held onto the nape of my neck, restraining me from any movement. He nudged his chin into the side of my neck and tightened his arms, refusing to let me free. "I'm sorry, Ally. I had to. I'm so sorry."

The only strength I had left was to cry. I wept in his arms and gradually stopped resisting. My legs grew weak and a wave of faintness took over me. I felt myself losing consciousness as I succumbed to my faltering strength.

"Ally! Ally!"

.....

I stared at the windows as the rain pattered against the glass. It had been raining the entire day. I didn't feel like doing anything. All I wanted to do was just sit here forever and forget everything that happened.

The sound of the door opening disturbed my thoughts for a short second.

"Ally, dear," I heard Nana's voice.

"Nana," I answered, feeling a little ashamed to see her.

She mustered a smile and walked over to the bed to sit in the empty chair. "I brought you some soup. You haven't eaten much these days. Henry told me."

"I'm not hungry, Nana. Thank you though."

Nana took my hands. "What Henry did to you and what he did to your family, was cruel and unforgivable .. I'm not asking you for forgiveness. I would never do that."

"You're not mad at me?" I said through a whimper. "For lying to you?"

Nana shook her head. "No, I'm not. I could never be mad at you, my dear."

"I'm sorry."

Nana smiled again, shaking her head. She stood up to embrace me, and I felt so safe, even if it was just for a small moment. "I just wanted to let you know, whatever you need, I'm right here for you. People can always start over, right?"

I nodded my head against her chest, still feeling guilty from actions. After all the lies and events, Nana still stood by my side. This woman was truly amazing. I was starting to think maybe I don't even deserve her generosity.

A knock came on the door .

"Eve!" I cried.

"Ally!" Eve dropped her bag and ran over to my side. She pulled me into her arms immediately. "Everything's going to be alright, honey. I'm here, okay?"

I nodded as my chin rested on her shoulder, trying to resist the tears that wanted to come out.

Nana excused herself out to give us some time alone.

"I know about everything between you and Henry," Eve said, after letting me go.

"You know?"

She nodded her head. "Nancy told me about everything that happened...what Henry did to all of us...to you."

"I..I..." I could barely say before I began crashing again. A tear escaped my eye and Eve wiped it away like how Papa used to do it.

"Ally, I know it's hard for you...losing your baby. I know you just be suffering so much, but you got to fight it."

I shook my head and stared down. "I don't know, Eve. The baby...He was my happiness and it was taken away -- just like that."

"Ally, you'll fight it and you'll become stronger like you always do. You need to get away from this place. Go somewhere faraway to clear your mind and get some peace."

"But I--"

"You don't have to say anything. I'm going to take you with me. Come with me and be free of him," Eve said. A seriousness filled her voice filled which I never sensed before.

"No."

"No?"

I turned away back towards the spattered window. "I can't."

"Why Ally? Is it because you still love him? Even after all the things he did, you still love him?"

I turned back towards Eve and swallowed the lump in my throat. "No, I don't love him anymore."

"They why? This is your chance."

"Because I just can't."

I didn't even understand why I couldn't take Eve's offer and leave with her. What was I afraid of?

I could sensed something different in me. It had been growing for a while now...I wasn't sure which part that was.

Maybe I was afraid of myself...afraid of what I would become.

.....

Henry specifically requested me to wait for him, but I didn't want to sit around any longer in this suffocating room. Plus, I didn't want him to pick me up. The nurses were under strict orders and constantly monitored me.

But why should care? Once the coast cleared, I changed into the clothes Henry had packed the night before and sneaked out of the room. On my way down to the lobby, my eyes were constantly on the look out for him, but luckily, he didn't show.

Once I stepped into a cab, I wasn't even sure where I wanted to go. I told the driver to drop me off at Navy Pier, the first place that came into my mind.

I walked along the empty pier leading into Lake Michigan.

April 11th - Today was the first day when the rain had finally stopped and the sun shone in the sky for the first time.

Today was also the first day when Henry and I first met. It had been a year since we bumped into each other at the tulip fields - or should I say just me. He certainly knew what he was doing.

I came upon the end of the pier and gazed out into the glistening blue lake. This scenery felt nostalgic. It reminded me of a place I've seen in my dream.

I raised my hand to look at it and realized the bracelet Henry had given me was gone from my wrist. Where and when did I misplace it?

It was probably a good thing anyway now that it's missing, I thought. Nothing left remained between Henry and I anymore. Everything we had, or I thought we had...gone into thin air.

I felt the ring that was still on my ring finger. This object meant nothing to me. It probably never did for him either. I slid the ring out from my finger and stared at the shimmering diamond.

I lifted my hand with the ring over the waters and began to drop it in...but I hesitated.

Was I holding onto something that wasn't even there in the first place?

No, Ally. You can do this! He never loved you. He never did.

I opened my hand and watched as the ring fell freely and disappeared into the water.