-Kira-

He didn't call overnight. Not that I heard, and I fought sleep quite hard to ensure I would if he did.

So I called again as soon as I woke up. Lucien was up digging through his dresser or something, I didn't really check or look for specifics. I was on a mission.

I just pushed my way through the curtains and sat myself up like I did the day before.

Snagging the phone, I dialed the number but froze under the rather harsh sound of the curtain being opened.

He just stood there, for a moment before leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

There was an unreadable expression on his lips, but a raise of his brows and wave of his hand insisting me to continue as I was.

I nearly lowered the phone but caught myself before the movement was too noticeable.

I think in that moment I realized that I didn't have too much hope of him picking up, but I still didn't want Lucien to witness that failure.

Since yesterday I could feel myself slipping. I could feel myself breaking down and not being able to cover that with glares or anger the longer it seeped in. The longer I went without a call from the last person I could depend on. The only one left that I had.

Even now I couldn't find it in me to do anything more than just stare at the vampire watching this like it was his own special form of entertainment.

To laugh at my misery.

I hovered my finger over the call button, drawing in a long breath that only seemed to further rise the tension in my body.

And holding that breath, I pushed it.

I straightened my back while lifting it to my ear, faking my own confidence and pulling my focus away from Lucien.

Each dial tone was an extra weight in my chest, an extra stab to the hope I was trying to clink to for Gabe to just pick up the damn phone.

Why wasn't he..? Was he okay? Maybe something happened to him too?

There had to be something going on... I knew he listened to his voicemails.

That lump again formed in my throat during the last ring, and I hung up immediately after it ended.

I didn't have it in me right now to speak another voicemail. Not with the eyes on me that I couldn't bear to look at.

There was a strange kind of embarrassment growing in me with the rest. One I've never felt before now, yet still couldn't completely put my finger on.

Next time... Or maybe he'll call before then.

The phone dropped into my lap with a solemn sigh, trying to reign back the tears threatening to form through the anguish that was fighting its way to the top of my emotions.

I dared to turn toward Lucien, ready to use that anguish and focus it into something sharper if he dared to comment on what he'd just seen, but by the time I looked, he'd already turned and walked elsewhere.

I was expecting him to say something. To laugh or make another comment to where the only reply I could come up with was 'he's busy'.

Not this time. Not yet at least.

I toyed with the buttons of the phone, cursing under my breath while I steadily collected myself.

He could witness my failure, but I refused to let him see it on me longer than necessary.

Setting the phone back where it was, I also noticed that there was another one of those notebooks on his nightstand today.

It looked pristine... new. It made sense given his and Erik's conversation.

The pen on the other hand looked well used.

I just stared for a moment in debate. A debate I quickly realized I didn't have the mental energy for right now.

I shook my head with another long breath, pulling myself out of the bed and back into the light that his bedroom just didn't have.

I knew myself well enough to know that I needed to get out. If I just sat in bed like I wanted to, my emotions would overpower me.

Instead, I needed to get some things done. Learn as much as I could about this floor... and hope to god that I didn't run into any of his sisters.

There was a small part of me that I think knew that he wouldn't be calling me back until later... I should be fine until then.

Maybe I should hunt down Marcus again, or Riley. I just needed someone or something to distract me if only momentarily.

I couldn't let myself break down. Not yet. Despite how my situation felt like it was only getting worse and words, I needed to try to pull through so I could think straight.

No matter how much it felt like I was going to, it was far too soon.

I looked towards Lucien who was back in front of his dresser, grabbing a hoodie and putting it over the tanktop he was wearing

He had a very... lazy sense of fashion I'd figured out so far. Lots and lots of warm, comfy clothes.

Despite what I'd told myself, a question was yanking itself up to be spoken at the sight of him, just to clear my conscious if nothing else.

"There wasn't a call in the middle of the night, right?"

I just needed to know. If there was even a slight attempt to reach me.

He paused, turning only his head to look at me.

I tried my hardest not to look like my hope and pride weren't slowly being shredded into little ribbons.

"No, and you better hope that if he does call in the dead of night, that you reach the phone before I do. I don't take kindly to things that interrupt my impossible sleep." He spoke as casually as ever with that same tired drone.

Right, he's got sleep issues or whatever.

Maybe that's why he's always so full of crank.

Whatever. I took my answer back into the other room with me to change and tried not to let it kick me while I was already down.

___ __ _ __ ___

-Lucien-

I dressed into something less comfortable. Something that looked like I put a little effort in.

My body was telling me the signs that I needed to seek out one of my more frequented forms of relief. One I was left to visit at least once a week.

Typically when I get that stirring, that craving in my body, I don't wait long to go and do something about it.

I woke up today feeling less than exceptional, so something like this should work in bringing me close to that equilibrium, and hopefully drop my somewhere higher once I was done.

It was somewhat a routine at this point. I already had my car waiting for me downstairs.

I turned off the light to the bathroom and stepped out, spotting the legs hanbing off the armrest of my couch from here.

I don't know where she'd been the rest of the day, but she wasn't in my room, so I didn't care.

She only returned about twenty minutes after I'd finished dinner, and this time laid down across the couch with her eyes staring through the wall and at the phone on the other side

Still just waiting aimlessly for it to ring. Again.

This was just getting pathetic. Pathetic enough to where I almost felt bad for her.

That fight in her eyes she came with had simmered, and I could sense that ever-present frustration of hers turning more desperate.

In all honesty, I was expecting her to last a bit longer before resorting to this, but this whole phone thing pulled her down hard.

Whatever.

"I'm gonna be out a while and won't be back until late." I let her know for the hell of it while I made my way to the door.

She better not still be in here by the time I get back.

"Out?" Her voice perked, followed by rustling on the couch, "Where are you going?"

I turned to see the look on her face, immediately coming to my own conclusion of where that question was coming from.

That look in her eyes was a telling sign of it. That of a caged animal desperate for the key.

She just wanted to get out of the castle, but I highly doubted she had any interest in joining me where I was going.

"Back to that shady part of town, I got you at. To a Coito Club."

Her nose scrunched up through a slightly confused grimace.

It took her a few seconds of thinking before she

"You're going to a brothel?"

I just blinked at her with hooded lids.

"Sure," I settled, not caring enough to explain it to her any further.

She had the nerve to react like that as if she hasn't been on-and-off vaguely horny for her imaginary boyfriend these past two days.

I left her to carry right on with that, stepping out and closing the door with no further explanation.

I was well aware that I was leaving her alone with a variety of things she may find interesting.

I knew my conversation with Erik probably rose some questions. I saw her eyeing my journals multiple times since.

Even if she does read what's written in there she's not going to understand what it's coming from, and even if she did what's is she gonna do? Escape?

Nah.

I set on my path down the elevator and into the car of the driver waiting for me, relaxing into the seat and closing my eyes in an attempt to ease and coerce the imbalance in my body to look forward to what was going to happen before we got there.

Being stuck in this crooked, fucked up mess of a body all of my life, I've come to learn what helps.

I've figured out what makes the two uneven halves that make up my instinct work together without the more powerful one suffocating the other.

Instincts took focus to work and tied to our emotions. Different emotions took a different level of focus, or I guess grabbed a different level of our instinct's attention. Or in my case, drove mine away from trying to kill each other.

These were all facts I was more-or-less forced to learn to survive. To exist in the body I was cursed with and work with it accordingly

When mine were focused, that's when I felt normalcy in my grasp. That's when the imbalance faded and I could temporarily forget about what everything used to feel like.

Though only a few grabbed enough focus for it to feel like that.

Anger was one of them. Anything from intense frustration to that bloodthirsty type of rage. Sadness had accomplished it before, but it was only that deep kind of despair. Fear was an odd one. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it had the complete opposite effect, leaving me defenseless in the times I needed them most.

All of which were things I quickly got tired of constantly seeking out, and instead found a different kind of relief.

The thing that worked the best and didn't get any unwilling party involved? Sex. Arousal.

Which was why it brought me to a place like this, and frequented it so often.

I stumbled upon it on accident at first.

A lot was happening on the secluded side of town. The strange shops and clubs for all different kinds of freaks.

Petshops for humans with blood defects, people selling vampiric-level drugs, and a tucked-away sex club exclusively between humans and vampires.

Run by a vampire and her human... physical lover I suppose. They put together and organized this place with a thorough pairing system that looked to work wonders.

There was a very long form to fill out for first-timers, providing pages upon pages of boxes to check off in terms of preferences and boundaries. To ensure they get paired with someone with similar tastes.

The large underground building had countless private rooms, as well as a panic button that sends vampiric security in to ensure everyone's comfort and safety.

I guess these kinds of details are only to be expected when a vampire and human are organizing these kinds of things together, but I couldn't discount its ingenuity

It was a trade-off both species could benefit from. Humans couldn't get pregnant from us and came knowing that getting bitten was a part of the process. On the other hand, Vampires couldn't get or pass on any STDs, and again, the pregnancy thing.

It was a strange concept, but I couldn't deny its use. You'd be surprised by the amount of both species I've seen there just to let out a little sexual frustration.

Plus, they got to sleep with vampires. The being highly known to be the best at this sort of thing.

They get a safe night of pleasure with no worries, and we get a method to sate that part of us that craves this sort of thing. Fresh blood to top it all of really sold the deal.

It was much better than those of us who take it out on unwilling parties, or their pets that don't know any better.

This fixed constant discomfort, didn't affect anyone who didn't want to be affected, and was all completely consensual.

I considered that all worth the other oddities. A beggar can't be a chooser.

Then came the other half of this equation for me.

There wasn't a whole lot I was consistently good at. Consistency wasn't something I got to experience, and after a while, it sends me down into the dark depths of my mind. It fucks with my self-worth even though there's very little I can do about my circumstance.

This always worked, and because it always worked, I was always good at it. Hearing as much from some of the women that get paired with me also helps with the occasional boost of pride.

Just hearing the words helped. It was pathetic, but that was a word I was quite familiar with.

The vehicle came to a stop and I opened my eyes, standing and exiting as soon as I saw that I was in the right spot.

I walked through the dark streets toward the familiar lit-up door.

I could already feel the subtle shift in my body, the warmth I always drastically lacked in my body finally starting to show.

The same older vampire that always sat at the front desk was there to greet me, smiling wide at my presence. The owner.

Her cheery voice greeted me as soon as I was in the door, "Elias! It's so good to see you again."

Elias was the name they knew me by here. They highly suggested using something fake when registering, and that's just what I came up with on the spot.

"You're a pleasant sight at always, Sloane," I replied, stepping up to lean against her desk, "What have you got for me?"

She knew I'd do almost anything. I came here for relief of the basic arousal, and not for anything specific from the sex itself, so I was easy to pair with.

At least, that's what she tells me.

Which was nice because it got me sent back to the rooms quickly.

"You know, I was hoping you'd be here tonight. There's a newcomer who just came in who seems a bit shy about this whole thing. I already sent her to a room to wait for someone who I thought would work her through it. Would you mind?"

She was already grabbing at the sheet she'd compiled for me to look over. The one that held this girl's 'do's and dont's'.

"I'd be happy to," The usual monotonous tone my voice defaulted to didn't quite make it sound like I was happy to, but she knew me well at this point.

I'd been requesting this place for almost two decades now. Two decades' worth of women and not one have I led to pressing that panic button.

"Thank you, honey," She handed over the chart, and I promptly looked it over, "She's over in room 18."

I just nodded, hearing her unlock the heavy doors with the button she had on her desk.

I went and pushed it open with my arm, studying what was in front of me.

'Talia' was her name tonight.

Overall it seemed relatively basic. Not many went too extreme with their first time with a vampire.

There was an 'x' marked in the box for 'no mouth kissing'. Something I saw more often than not. I think the fangs just scared off humans from wanting to risk it.

Which was understandable. Some vampires were bad kissers, and most humans didn't know how to kiss vampires without getting cut.

I've learned to make do without it before.

I lowered the sheet as soon as I approached the appropriate door, settling it in the little plastic compartment waiting for me.

I heard a quick gasp from the girl as soon as I opened the door, catching her wide, cautious eyes on me the moment I started to step in.

That buzz throughout my body was working, bringing up that focus now that I had a target.

She sat on her knees at the edge of the bed the room kept, her hands balled into tight fists at the top of her legs, and the panic button was already right beside her.

Long brown hair covered a small bit of her face. The face I watched look me over.

There was definite uncertainty in those eyes, but I knew the scent of desire in the air better than anything.

I don't know what could lead a shy-looking girl like her into a place like this, but I've been surprised before.

I can work with shy. Shy only meant that this was going to last longer, which mean more minutes of normalcy for me.

And I was good at this. Figuring these women out was half the fun of that. A good distraction. A good focus.

I shut the door with a grin, hoping that this one lasts me a while, and the aftermath of my instincts once this is done will be worth it.