The day that Kori wound up telling me that she couldn't talk to me anymore was worse than the night I told her I needed a break.

For the next week after that, I pretty much holed myself up in my room. But there was a certain sense of relief there, knowing that I only had to be there for myself at the moment.

Even though I really didn't even know how to do that.

I was texting Kori, and I had a couple of short phone conversations with her as she was driving home from work, but after about 10 days of doing that, she called me and she didn't sound happy.

I was sitting up in my bed as she said, "Ash, I can't do this. I can't talk to you but not see you, or be able to touch you or kiss you. I am extremely torn up over this, and I have to protect my peace at least a little bit. It kills me to do this, but I can't keep talking to you right now."

Hearing that almost took my breath away.

She continued, "If you really need me, of course I'm here. If you're ready to get back together, I'm here. But during this interim...I have to do this."

I was choked up as I said, "I understand, Kori."

"That's all? I was hoping you'd...never mind," Kori sighed, "I'll talk to you later, Ash."

If I thought I'd felt numb before, nothing compared to how I felt when I got off that phone call with Kori.

Did I ruin everything between us?

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me?

That night I was in one of the lowest places mentally I'd ever been in.

Something needs to change here. And I have to do it myself. I can't keep living like this anymore.

As my mind raced, Alyssa called me.

I answered, "Hi."

"Ash, I'm coming over," Alyssa said to me in a firm tone, "I need to talk to you."

"I'm not really in the place for guests."

"I don't care. I'm coming over," Alyssa said, "If I have to sit in your bed with you, so be it."

I wasn't used to Alyssa sounding so firm with me.

"Fine," I said, "I'll see you soon."

Alyssa was at my apartment a half hour later, and I let her in when I heard a knock on the door.

I was alone at the apartment. Trey was at work, and Rachel was with a guy she was newly dating, who she'd been spending most of her free time with.

Alyssa looked at me and said, "Ash...you don't look well."

"I don't feel well," I responded.

"Let's go to your bedroom," Alyssa said.

Unlike me who was once again in one of Kori's hoodies and biker shorts, Alyssa looked super cute in a short sleeved floral sundress. With her now being close to 6 months pregnant, she had a cute little baby bump.

When we got into my room, I shut the door and sat down on my bed. Alyssa sat down right next to me and said, "I've been concerned about you. I'm not the only one."

"What do you mean?" I glanced at her.

"Trey messaged me on Facebook. I'm not even friends with him on there. He's very concerned about you, Ash. He said you've barely left your room for days. So am I. I'm sure Kori is too, right?"

When Alyssa mentioned Kori, it was like a dam burst. All of a sudden, I started crying, and Alyssa asked me, "What's going on, did you two break up?"

Through tears, I explained what was going on to Alyssa. I told her that I needed time alone, and that just a couple of hours before, Kori told me that she couldn't talk to me anymore.

"Oh, Ash," Alyssa put her arm around me, "I'm so sorry."

I put my head in my hands and said through tears, "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and why I want to be alone. I love Kori."

Alyssa put her hand on my back gently and said, "I know I'm an account manager, not a therapist. But you're depressed. Really fucking depressed, and you need to get help or it's just going to get worse."

"It doesn't feel like it can get much worse," I said, lifting my head.

Alyssa looked at me, "I need you to do two things. Make an appointment with your primary doctor, and then make an appointment with a therapist. I know of a really good one that Daria uses."

Daria is Alyssa's best friend, who I've met on multiple occasions.

Before I could object, Alyssa said, "I don't care how much you don't want to talk about your problems. It's long overdue that you saw a therapist."

Feeling completely defeated, I said, "Fine. I'll make an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow, and I'll call this therapist you're suggesting."

"Good," Alyssa said to me, "You need to. You can't live like this anymore, Ash."

"I know," I sighed, "You're right."

Not waking up to a "good morning" text from Kori the next day felt like a sucker punch.

This is actually happening. We're not in contact.

For a split second as I sat in bed, it felt like pins and needles were running throughout my body as I tried to process what was going on.

However, I knew I had two things to do. Call my primary care doctor, and call the therapist, whose name was Tara.

It was easy to make an appointment with my primary care doctor. I told them it was for a wellness check up, which I hadn't had in over a year anyway. My appointment was for the next day.

Calling Tara, however, I was nervous to do. I was hoping I'd get her voicemail, but she picked up on the third ring.

"Hi, this is Tara Palmer. How can I help you?"

"Hi," I said, "My name is Ashley Davis...you um, came recommended to me."

"That's great to her, Ashley," Tara said in a warm tone, "How can I help you today?"

"I've been feeling really down, and I think I need to talk to someone. It's gotten to the point where it's affected my entire life."

"Well, that's what I'm here for," Tara said to me, "Want to tell me a bit more about what's been going on?"

"A whole bunch of things at once. It started with getting fired from my job a couple of months ago. Then my dad, who is an alcoholic, got into a bad accident. More recently, my girlfriend and I broke up," I managed to say out loud.

"Oh, wow. That is a lot," Tara said, "I think coming in for a session to start would be really good for you. Let me take your insurance information and we can set something up."

My insurance was currently through the state of Pennsylvania, as my insurance that I had through Hollis ended at the end of April. Thankfully, it wasn't a bad plan that I had, and a therapy session was only a $35 copay.

I set up an appointment with Tara for 3 days later, on a Friday, which already made me nervous.

I wanted to tell Kori that I had made an appointment for a therapist. But I couldn't. I had to respect the boundary she set.

Trey had come home from his shift and was sleeping, but when he woke up, I met him out in the kitchen where he was making lunch.

"Alyssa came over last night," I said to him, "I know you messaged her."

Trey turned to look at me, "I hope you're not mad. I didn't know what else to do. I'm really worried about you."

"I'm not mad, Trey. I think it was a good thing. I made an appointment to see my primary doctor tomorrow, and a therapist on Friday."

"Oh, good," Trey put his hand to his heart, "I am so glad to hear that. I know that getting help can be really difficult, but you're taking the right steps. I know I've said it a million times, but I'm here for you."

"I'm grateful for you," I said to Trey, "Very much so."

Ever since my dads accident, I hadn't spoken to my parents all that much. My dad was in an intensive outpatient program getting the help he needed, and I knew my mom was focused on that. However, that night, she called me.

"How are you?" she asked me. I couldn't help but notice that she sounded tired.

"I'm doing okay," I lied.

"Have you found a new job yet?"

"Not yet," I said to my mom, I'm still looking."

Another lie. I hadn't even looked at a job posting in 2 weeks.

"I'm surprised it's taking this long," my mom replied, "If you need any help with bills, it's okay to ask your dad and I."

"I'm okay," I said, "I have savings. Plus, I'm sure I'll find something soon. How's dad feeling?"

"Physically, better. In terms of recovery, he's working hard at his program, and I think it's helping him out."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said to my mom.

"He'll call you this weekend," she said to me, "I'm sure he'd like to talk to you."

"Alright. I'd like to hear from him."

Partial truth.

I wanted to know how he was doing, but at the same time I worried that talking to him would do more harm than good. I told myself I'd make it a quick phone call. I had to protect my peace.

Which is exactly what Kori is doing with me.

I've been seeing my primary doctor, Dr. Vanderbilt, since I got out of college 5 years ago. She's likely in her mid-thirties, and she's a great physician. Wonderful bedside manner, very calm. I hoped I was that way when I was a nurse.

I didn't tell the medical assistant about what I was dealing with mentally, and I wasn't sure when I was going to bring it up to Dr. Vanderbilt. I knew I had to.

She performed a general examination on me, and she then said, "I did want to mention one thing. I notice you've lost some weight since your last visit. You've always been at a healthy weight, so I need to ask if this was intentional or not?"

"It wasn't intentional," I said to her, "It actually has to do with the main reason why I came here. Not just for a wellness check up."

"What's going on, Ashley?"

"I've been...really depressed. It's affected my appetite, for sure. It's difficult for me to even talk about this, sorry," I started to say.

"I know it's not easy to talk about, take your time," Dr. Vanderbilt said gently.

"I set up an appointment with a therapist, but I figured I should talk to you about it as well. I haven't been doing well mentally. A whole lot has happened which can affect my mental well-being, but usually I'm able to bounce back. I haven't been able to."

Dr. Vanderbilt nodded, "I'm glad you set up an appointment with a therapist, as well as coming here. It was the right thing to do. Have you ever considered medication for depression?"

"That's the thing, I've never been depressed like this. So, no."

"I'm not a psychiatrist, so there's certain medications I can't prescribe. But I can prescribe you a lower dose of an SSRI. I'm thinking that could help regulate you. What do you think? If you'd rather wait to talk to your therapist I'm fine with that, but it seems like you're struggling."

"I'm willing to try a medication," I said to her.

"I'm going to prescribe you a low dose of Wellbutrin. I think that it could really help you."

A medication I've heard many patients say they take.

"Okay," I nodded, "I'm willing to give it a go."

As I left my primary care office, and got in my car to go to the pharmacy, I found myself going to text Kori.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I couldn't.

For now, I hope.