As I drove to the hospital, I had no idea if when I got there, I was going to learn that my dad had died.

Alyssa didn't know. She told me that he crashed his car into a pole, and that was all the information she had.

The drive to the hospital was a complete blur, tears were falling down my face the whole time, and I hardly even know how I got there.

When my dad was heavily drinking when I was younger, he somehow never crashed or got a DUI. I honestly have no idea how considering he drove drunk all the time.

Obviously, I had no idea when I was very young, but as I got older I despised him for doing that, and despised my mom for not stopping him.

He could have killed someone else.

Now, he might've just killed himself.

I got to the hospital, and as I did, Alyssa called me again.

I answered as I parked and asked, "Is he alive?"

"He is," Alyssa said, "He's currently in the ER. He's alive but not in good shape."

Hearing that my dad was alive was a relief. The heaviness on my chest was lifted, but not by much.

"Thank you for telling me," I said to Alyssa, "I just parked at the ER entrance."

"I'll meet you at the front."

As I walked up to the ER entrance, I texted Kori quickly telling her that my dad was in an accident, and I was at the hospital.

As Alyssa pulled me in for a hug, I could feel that she was shaking.

"You're so shaky," she said to me.

"I was just thinking that about you," I said back, holding her close.

Alyssa and I walked to the back of the ER, and my mom, Addison, and Damon were standing together. I could see that my mom was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

As we walked up, Kori texted me back saying:

Fuck, is he okay? Call me when you can. I love you.

"The Doctor just updated us," my mom said, "He's hanging in there. He's injured, but they think he's going to be okay."

"Good," I said, my anger rising as I looked at my mom.

My resentment for my mom that had been buried deep down for years was bubbling to the surface. Once again, my dad was getting away with everything.

I stayed at the hospital for about an hour. I texted Kori that my dad was alive, and he was likely going to be okay.

As I stood with my mom, sisters, and Damon, I didn't say much. I was relieved that my dad was alive, but I was furious at the same time about the fact that he was drinking again, drove drunk, and no one even stopped him at the party.

My dad got moved to the ICU, and after that, I left for the night. There wasn't a point in staying, he was asleep from all of the medications he was on. I told my mom to keep me updated on how he was doing throughout the night.

I doubted I was going to get much sleep.

Even though it was only 9 PM, and I wasn't even at the hospital for that long, I felt absolutely exhausted.

I called Kori when I got in the car, and she answered right away.

"What the hell happened?" Kori asked me.

"My dad was drinking at the party. Alyssa and I saw him have at least 6 drinks. Unbeknownst to us, he drove to go get more alcohol, and crashed into a pole on the way there. I don't know all of the details yet. He's in the ICU, but expected to be okay," I explained to Kori.

Kori sighed, "My god. What the fuck compelled him to drive after 6 or more drinks, and why did no one stop him? It's a miracle he didn't hit someone else. I mean, I'm glad to hear he's okay, but he should not have been driving."

"Believe me, I'm furious about it. Alyssa and I saw him go into the house, and he didn't come back so we asked our mom if he was okay. That's when she said he drove to the liquor store. You know, he drove drunk so much when I was younger, and nothing ever happened so he probably thought he was invincible."

"I'm so sorry, my love," Kori said, "Do you want to come over still? Or do you want me to come over to your place?"

"I'm already on my way to yours," I said, "Tonight has been traumatizing to say the least. I didn't know if he was alive as I was driving to the hospital."

I was basically in a state of shock over what happened, and all I wanted to do was see Kori. When I got to her place, she immediately pulled me in for a hug and held me as she said, "Everything is going to be okay."

However, things were not okay after that.

After my dads accident, it was like a light switch flipped for me, and I completely shut down.

My dad was doing okay, he was recovering well overall. He got out of the hospital after 6 days, and he was planning on doing a rehabilitation program for his alcoholism. He got information for programs while in the hospital, and on the phone my mom told me he was committed to getting sober again.

While I wanted to be glad to hear that he was going to be getting the help he desperately needed, I felt completely numb as my mom told me this.

As days passed, I found that I wasn't even looking for a job. I felt exhausted, mentally and physically. Yet I was sleeping more than ever.

The thought of going back to work with how I was feeling was entirely unappealing. I felt like I didn't even have the energy to do that.

I was thankful that I had money saved from when I was a nurse, or I wouldn't have been able to pay my portion of rent.

There was some kind of mental block going on, one that I hadn't experienced before. I felt numb and disinterested in everything.

Even my relationship with Kori.

I would go to her house multiple nights a week, yet all I wanted to do when I saw her was the same thing as when I was home, lay down. Kori was nothing but caring, but I knew that she was concerned.

I was feeling like an absolute shell of myself. When I thought about how I was at my former job at Hollis, that didn't even feel like me. When I looked at my phone background at the photo of Kori and I at the wedding, I didn't recognize that person.

Trey seemed concerned. Whenever he would cook dinner, he would save some for me, always. He would make an effort each day to ask how I was doing. Though my answer was the same each time, either "okay" or "exhausted".

One Tuesday morning in June, weeks after my dads accident, Trey knocked on my bedroom door. It was around noon, and I had woken up an hour before. I was in one of Kori's hoodies and a pair of loose black shorts, hair in a ponytail. That was my go-to outfit lately, and I wasn't even bothering to wear makeup.

I was sitting up in my bed, mindlessly scrolling for jobs on Indeed, knowing I wasn't going to apply to any of them.

"Come in," I said to Trey.

The door opened and he walked over to my bed and sat on the edge of it.

"Let's go get coffee," he said to me, "A new place opened up nearby, and I heard they have great lattes."

I looked at Trey and said, "I'm not really in the mood to go out."

Trey pouted, "Please. It's only five minutes away, and I think it would be good for you to get out."

Trey looked at me with puppy dog eyes, and I said, "Fine. Just let me brush my hair."

"Yay!" Trey clapped, "I saw they have a raspberry white chocolate truffle latte, which I think you would love."

"That does sound good," I said, even though I didn't have much of an appetite, even for a delicious latte.

I brushed out my hair and put it in a high ponytail, and changed out of my hoodie into a t-shirt and black biker shorts. It was way too hot to wear a hoodie, unfortunately.

Trey drove us to the coffee shop, called Delicioso.

"Can we sit in here for a bit?" Trey asked me after we got our drinks.

"Sure," I said, and we sat down at a table. The coffee shop was beautiful, with tables that had granite countertops, and white and gold accents throughout the shop.

I took a sip of my iced latte, and I said, "This is really good. Thanks for suggesting it."

Trey looked at me and said, "I just wanted to get you out of the house. I know you've been struggling, Ash. Just know I'm here for you, okay?"

"I appreciate it," I said to Trey, "How's Colin?"

Colin and Trey were now officially dating, which I was happy for him about. Trey seemed thrilled by it, and I hadn't seen him this interested in a guy in years.

"He's great," Trey said, "Really great. I'm meeting his parents this weekend which I'm a bit nervous about, but I think it'll go well."

"They'll love you, I'm sure. Where do they live?"

"Hatfield," Trey said, "That's where Colin is from originally."

I nodded and said, "You'll have to tell me how it goes."

"I will," Trey nodded, and he then looked at me for a moment before asking, "How's Kori? I saw she door dashed you lunch yesterday, which was sweet."

"It was sweet," I said, "She's okay."

Trey's eyebrows raised slightly, "Just okay?"

"Yeah. I just...I worry I'm dragging her down with me," I said to Trey, "I'm not at my best at the moment, and I feel bad that she has to deal with it."

"That's what happens when you love someone, though. You are with them through the good and the bad," Trey said, taking a sip of his salted caramel mocha.

"Sometimes it's just a lot, being in a relationship right now with how I'm feeling," I admitted, "It feels selfish in a way, I'm not adding much value to Kori's life right now."

"Ash, don't say that. You're not feeling well, but you'll bounce back. You add so much value to Kori's life, and she adds so much to yours. Just know you add value to my life as well."

I smiled weakly at Trey, "That's sweet."

"Have you talked to your sisters?" Trey asked me, "How's Alyssa feeling?"

"Alyssa calls me every couple of days. She's feeling good. Still keeping the gender a surprise. Addison hasn't reached out as much. She's been with my parents a lot."

"Do you know how your dad is?"

"Okay, from what I know. Getting better. He's sober at the moment."

"I'm just curious," Trey said, "You told me this is the first time he's ever been in treatment. How did he get sober the first time?"

"He just decided to quit cold turkey. He wound up going to the hospital to detox though because he wasn't feeling good. I was in college, a year before meeting you, so I wasn't there to witness it but my mom told me."

"Got it," Trey nodded, "So he's done it before. He can do it again."

Let's just hope this time he stays sober. For everyone's sake.

Even after going out with Trey, that night when I went to Kori's I felt particularly out of it.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be around Kori. I just felt like I was better off just being alone in my room at the moment.

When I got to Kori's she let me in and asked me, "How was your day, Ash?"

I didn't even like when Kori asked me this, because every day was the same fucking thing.

As we went to go sit on the couch I said, "Trey and I went to a new coffee shop that opened."

I sat down first and Kori sat down next to me and she said, "That's great, how was it?"

I shrugged, "Pretty good."

"I'm glad you were able to get out."

"Yeah," I nodded, "It was nice."

Kori looked at me, and I could tell she was exasperated. She had given me a look like this more recently, like she didn't know what to do with me.

"Ash...," Kori said, "Something has to give here. I absolutely hate seeing you like this."

"It's a rough patch," I looked at Kori, "I've just been through a lot lately."

Concern was written all over Kori's face as she said, "This is more than just a rough patch. I think you need professional help to get you through this. I feel like I haven't had my girlfriend for some time now."

"I know I've just been dragging you down with me," I said to Kori.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. You just haven't been yourself. It's difficult to watch."

"Then you shouldn't have to," I said to Kori.

I'm so mentally not there anymore. I don't feel anything.

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm here for you."

"Everything is exhausting me," I said to Kori.

Kori's eyes widened as she asked me, "Even us?"

I swallowed hard, not even knowing how exactly to answer that.

"I love you, Kori," I said to her, "But part of me just wants to be alone right now."

"Please don't say that. I love you so much," Kori said, and I could see her pretty green eyes get glossy.

"I need some time," I said back to Kori, "Time alone. To figure this out. I don't have the energy right now for this."

"You mean for us," Kori said, scrubbing a hand across her face, "You don't have energy for us."

I paused for a second before I hesitantly said, "Yes."

Kori simply nodded, and I saw a tear escape, which made me feel more about anything than I had in a while.

I decided to get up, and I said, "I'm sorry. I really am so fucking sorry."

Kori shook her head, "You don't have to apologize, I just really wish you weren't doing this."

I walked to Kori's door, and she followed me. She wiped at her eyes, and I could tell she was trying to not cry more.

"Do you not even want me to reach out to you?" Kori asked, her lower lip wobbling.

"I don't think I can go without talking to you."

Kori nodded and said, "Same here. Just know you're welcome here anytime."

She then leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, "I love you, Ash."

"I love you too," I said to Kori.

I meant it. With every fiber of my being.

I just needed to get myself together.