April 13, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

Can I call you that? You wouldn't mind would you? I think Angelynn sounds daring and eccentric and bold and everything that I'm not right now. Yet it's everything I want to be. Do you think that maybe I could achieve that in the future? Do you think I can live up to the status of Angelynn?

Plus, it makes it less confusing, I think, to give my future persona a name. It shows what I want to become, right? Angelynn. Will I meet my goal? I hope you look back on this, Angelynn, and you can smile and nod and be proud of yourself for changing from what I am now.

Timid, quiet, awkward, shy. Introvert, introvert, introvert. Where speaking is painful and people are so awfully intimidating, it makes me want to sink in the ground and just die. Melt away. Disappear. But I'm still there, and I still feel everyone's eyes on me even though I know they're not looking at me, because I'm not much to look at. I don't even know if it's worse to be noticed or to be so invisible that no one looks at me at all.

For example, yesterday, my mom made me play table tennis with some of the students who worked in the same lab as she does. And one of the guys apparently is on his college's ping-pong team, although I didn't even know colleges had ping-pong teams, but I suppose that's not the point.

My mother wanted him to teach me how to play ping-pong like a college team expert or something, which would've been fine except for the fact that:

1) I had never met him before. I'm not even sure what his name is.

And 2) He spoke like no English. And what he did speak, was completely covered by an extremely thick Chinese accent. Like it's not hard enough to talk to people who speak the same language as me. This is just death. I wish I didn't come to play at all. In fact, I wish  that I could just be back at home and doing homework so I didn't have to be there.

See, if I were you, Angelynn, maybe I would've been okay with this. Perhaps, I wouldn't be so unbearably socially awkward, and actually attempt to strike up a conversation to help the poor guy actually learn English. Or better yet, maybe the me in the future can actually speak Chinese like my mom always wanted me to learn and I had attempted to learn but always failed.

And Angelynn, I wish you would just unleash some full-blown sarcasm every now and then, because yesterday, the guy went like, "Try... to hit the ball... with the... paddle. Okay?" or "Try... to get... ball to hit... here," whilst gesturing to the table.

And if I were you, maybe I would've said something like "I'm supposed to be hitting the ball?" or "Nooo, I'm trying to miss the table." But instead, I just stupidly stand there and nod my head like the idiotic human being that I am. Wishing to just disappear and praying that I can just hit the ball so I don't have to deal with another round of failure.

But when I did hit the ball he'd count. "Let's... get to... ten. Ten is goal." He said. And I just can't deal with the pressure. He'd count and I'd get so close, but his counting just made me incredibly nervous and I just couldn't do it. I wish I could've let out an "Ugh. So close!" But I don't. I just stand there, in silence. Or numbly go after the ball I had failed to return yet again.

Eventually I did get past ten. I got past twenty even. But even after that, he'd ask me, "Questions?" I wish I had the courage to say, "Why do I suck so much at this? How the heck do you do this?" But no. Silence. Silence. Silence.

 I guess, Angelynn, what I'm trying to say is. I hope you're as sick and tired of this unbearable silence emanating from me as I am. I hope you actually do something about it. I hope that you live up to your name, Angelynn. I hope you are daring and eccentric and bold. I hope you let loose your sarcastic wit and that you are embarrassingly loud and not embarrassingly quiet.

xx Angela