October 6, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

My fingers are numb when I'm typing this. It's the first week of October and everything's turning crisp and cold, and whenever I step outside or pull myself away from my covers, it shocks me at how cold it's suddenly gotten.

Plus, I have really bad circulation, so although at the moment I'm not cold, my hands and feet feel like ice.

I suppose it doesn't really matter considering the fact that the weather here is so incredibly bipolar that the temperature will probably surge back up to the 80's before it plummets for good.

But as for now, I want to just complain about how much I hate the cold and how much I hate Autumn and Halloween.

I hate a lot of things. (This cover for example.) It's probably unhealthy. Actually, I will admit that it is a serious problem, but everyday humankind finds another way to irk me. I'm just an irkable, irritable person. I mean, I think I try not to flip out, but school is this nasty invention that forces me to attend at hours that I don't want to, see people that I don't want to see, and learn things I don't have any interest in. It's cruel and unusual punishment that should be against the Bill of Rights, but for whatever reason, it's not. (Although, to be honest, if people weren't educated, I'd probably hate humanity more.)

But Angelynn, there's this guy in my class. He sits two seats to my left in Spanish and two seats behind me in AP U.S. History. He lazes back in his chair with his legs splayed out in front of him; he is lanky and tall. He's the kind of guy one would expect to have his hands shoved in his pockets and the type of guy who probably doesn't need earbuds to listen to his music. He is relaxed and easy and he always has this boyish smirk of contentment on his face. Even when he's sitting behind me, it's like I know that smile is there.

And Angelynn, let me make this clear. I am not infatuated. I am not in love. I do not have a crush or even an inkling of a friendship with him. I just notice that in those seconds before the bell rings he pips something to his friends around him that is profound and eloquent in some way. Every word has meaning and every sentence thought.

He's funny and brilliantly smart. Coherent and ready to shrug things off. So much so, that his motto is: "Nothing matters." And that's why I've been paying attention to him. Because he is so mild and serene, while I'm a bundle of stress and edginess. I can never be as cool and suave as he; I can be nothing but the opposite.

I know what you're thinking, Angelynn, but it's basic psychology: opposites do not attract. So, if you're sitting there with a stupid smile on your face shipping your past self with this guy whom you've probably forgotten the name of, wipe that grin off your face and slap yourself for me, will you?

Now that I've finally gotten past exposition, I might as well analyze and tell you what's been going around in my mind the past week.

If you guessed that darned saying, "nothing matters." (Someone responded with, "Nothing is certain except death and taxes." Apparently, according to Wikipedia, this is a Ben Franklin quote.)

I just don't agree with it. Maybe it's just my uptight nature, but I honestly think I would fall apart at the seams if my entire existence is for naught, because what would be the point of living at all? What is the point of breathing and writing and learning, if in the long run, I am to fade into dust, just like everyone else? What is the point of idolizing celebrities and love and eternity if nothing lasts? If nothing matters, what the point of forever?

Needless to say, I've been completely submerged in the icy waters of existential crisis again. Maybe that's why my hands are so cold.

But as anxious and panicked it makes me feel, it works for him for a reason. It's what makes him so easy-going, because failures are pointless. A bad day is just that. One day in a lifetime. Beauty is superficial. Popularity is overrated.

Really a lot of good could come out of his saying, but it's nothing that I couldn't have figured out for myself. Still, it's not something I would want to think about. It makes me sad for me and for him and for anyone who listens to his mantra.

Because he's intelligent to the point of genius. People respect him and notice him. And I'm sure he could last more than a short while if he tried, but it's like he's given up without even knowing it. It's like he's ready to be forgotten even though life has just started.

And it's infuriating to think that he's throwing everything away not because of drugs or peer pressure but because of the force inside him. His words are so dazzlingly bright, he orbits around his own flame and tempts others, without even noticing. Because I'm not the only one who notices- everyone does.

Angelynn, there's a line between "nothing matters" and "stress 101." I hope somehow you've found balance and harmony between the two. I hope you've discovered what's important and what's not. I hope you notice people and people notice you. And I hope you realize that people will think things and say stuff that you might not necessarily agree with, but everyone holds an individual nugget of wisdom.

And the boy, two seats behind and two seats to the left- none of us are going to be forgotten so easily.

xx

Angela