May 17, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

I'm tired of people treating me like I'm an award to be won. As if I am the culmination of their life's works. As if I am a sort of prize to be polished and glorified so that I can live up to their expectations.

They don't seem to understand that the human spirit cannot be harnessed. That the human voice cannot be controlled. That only they can live out their dreams

And for some reason, I fail to meet their expectation: a forgotten trophy on a dusty shelf. They lose interest in the race, and suddenly, I am a prize that nobody wants to claim. And so, I am left to tarnish.

Left alone in my quiet glory. Humbled by neglect. Adventuring in my solitude.

Somehow I am not "good enough" for them. Somehow I do not meet their standards of perfection. Somehow I am a failure. Somehow they think they know who I am, how I think. They see the shining gold exterior, and their greed consumes them, as they attempt to mold my gold into something of their own image and liking.

But humans are stubborn and I am no exception. I cannot be harness. My voice cannot be controlled. I won't allow this to happen. In this age of equality and freedom, I am not a pawn to be added to their collections.

I am tired of being bound to society's customs, Angelynn. Tired of having to narrowly squeeze through this idea of perfection. Tired of letting people decide who I should be and how I should think. Tired of this one-sided respect and need to be a constant yes-man.

Angelynn, I am tired of being lied to by this idea of "equality." Because people say it all the time, but apparently they never mean it. It seems that I am responsible for abiding to people's orders and wants no matter how much I personally distaste it. I am tired of feeling unequal in this so-called "pro-equality" world.

If my voice is supposed to be shaped by society, by my elders, by everyone around me. What is the point of having a voice at all? What is the point of of thinking, if I am expected to blindly follow? What is the point of individuality if we are all striving towards the same perfection, the same predetermined goal? What is the point of religion, if they claim that they know what is best for  me, if they claim to know who I am, as if they are a kind of god? What is the point of living if we all turn out the same?

Angelynn, I am so sick of not being heard. I am so tired of people telling me what to do as if they are somehow superior to me, and that somehow this "superiority" that unbeknownst to me was bestowed upon them gives them the right to tell me how live my life. I am so sick of people becoming my conscience and making all the decisions for me. It's hard enough to figure out who I am without their interference, now, it seems nearly impossible to understand my true identity.

Angelynn, I hate that people can be all for diversity and then seem to strip it away from everybody for their own vision of a perfect world. Angelynn, there is no more compromise, no more listening, and everybody is as selfish as I am. It seems that everybody is just a prize to be won for their side, just another follower in a large group. The individual's voice is lost, and instead there's only the roar of the crowd.

So what is the point, really, for talking, for writing, for breathing, if I am never really able to be me, Angelynn? Why can I not be in charge of my own life? Why can something so personal not even be mine to own? Angelynn, why must we humans be such a disgusting mess of whys and whats and horridly unanswerable questions?

Angelynn, I hope that you don't reform to people's ways. I hope that your voice is not muted by society. I hope that you don't conform to perfection and that you don't choose sides. And I hope that nobody makes you change, so that nature and your life alone tarnishes you. Because really, perfection is overrated, equality is a myth, but I believe that there is a rebel inside of you that refuses to be quieted. Just be you, whatever the costs, okay? Stay true for me, and for you.

xx

Angela