March 9, 2014

Dear Angelynn,

Today is the birthday of the last guy I ever liked. The last person I ever liked, mind you. I'm perfectly asexual and perfectly happy being single. Boys, girls, and people in general, tend to be such a bother. Being alone is comforting, because, at least to a certain extent, I understand myself.

So naturally, since everything is going relatively well (except for the ton of homework that I'm procrastinating on, that's going to be a pain tomorrow) I'm dwelling on stuff that could go wrong.

Or at least, I'm thinking about him and that is enough to lead me towards insanity. Because, I'm still not sure if the feelings have gone away or if we just grew apart or whatever. I don't see him enough to know what I feel, nor do I know him well enough anymore to even feel close to him. And I don't see him enough with his girlfriend to know if I'd get jealous or not. I can't tell if I've moved on, because I feel absolutely nothing, which is almost worse than pining after him forever and ever or just falling in "love" with someone else.

God knows how good I'd be at writing romance if I could actually experience it? You know what I mean?

Please tell me that you've found a guy so I can know for sure that I'm not still hung up on that idiot.

But Angelynn, I think I do miss him in a way. I feel like we used to be inseperable and I kind of miss my failed flirting attempts in the eigth grade and I miss his stupid jokes and his bleary eyes if he missed his morning coffees.

Oh God, please make these feelings stop. I can't go back opening these valves in my heart.  no no no n ono.

Sometimes I see him the hallways, and he doesn't see me. And everytime that I'm about to reach out and poke him in the shoulder (because that's how we always greeted each other) it just so happens that he's heading off into the classroom, and he flits right past me. As if I'm just another person at his high school. Anothe random person who's clogging up the hallway and adding to the garbled cacophany around him and I just really really hate that.

I really hope I miss him in a platonic way. I mean, I'm not crying so I can't miss him that much. Right? Right?

Anyways, I miss sitting next to him in music class and pissing of our piece of crap music teacher. I miss hearing everyone thinking we were dating (and back then I wished we were.) And I remember that time we were "dating" in 6th grade(nobody dates for real at that age) and you gave me a pack of Altoids. Or in Kindergarten when you actually did like me (I was apparently about 8 years too late in returning the favor) and I was the only girl at your birthday party? 

Do you remember this, Angelynn? Do you think he remembers it? I hope you don't remember it, because maybe it means that this wondering is over, but at the same time, I think it would be sad if you forgot. I don't know. I don't think I'm making much sense, but I don't really understand what I'm feeling and I don't know if I actually understand myself at all. 

Angelynn, I suppose this letter isn't really for you. I suppose it's for him. I suppose there are a lot of things I wanted to say to him, but I can't tell him to his face and I can't exactly post this as a 'Happy Birthday!' message on Facebook. I suppose this will have to do.

Really, he's just a lot to reminisce about. And I wonder if I like him, or if I just like the past.

I hope you've sorted things out, and maybe you've bumped into him somewhere and you've shared a wistful smile at everything that happened.

xx

Angela