February 9, 2014

Dear Angelynn,

I live in a strange world where volume is confused for passion. I imagine that whenever you read this, this fact will remain the same because the extrovert ideal will probably live on. I'm assuming you're still living in America or other overly-developed country (in some areas) if you're anything like the sissy I am today.

For some reason we like things loud. Being loud is what shows your love for something, which I never understood and I don't agree with. Probably because I'm quiet, and the idea that because I am quiet means that I do not love the right way is preposterous.

I'm serious, though. I legitamately cried (not just a springing of tears to the eyes, but full-on water works) while watching Les Miserables and my mom and sister gave me a standing ovation because they thought I was incapable of expressing emotion?

Do I need always to declare: I'm happy; I'm sad; I love this; I hate this, in order to be understood? Do I need to loudly declare my current state of mind like I'm a walking facebook status in order for people to know that I don't have antisocial personality disorder?

I'm just kind of tired of these I-can't-hear-you's. If you know what I mean. I can't deal that we need to proclaim our 'amen-s" of approval for the world to hear. I shouldn't have to outwardly obsess about my passion for Doctor Who or Sherlock or Nutella, but if I don't then I get told "well, you don't really like it that much."

Like, I'm sorry? I thought I could accurately gage my own excitement or anger or whatever. But apparently other people have to be the judge of that, too? Because everyone else knows me better than I know myself?

Besides, I always found the quiet part of humanity way more interesting and powerful. In silence, there's a bond so powerful that a word can not describe it, and it's redundant to even give voice to this bond. 

Sometimes I think I feel, but I can't give one word to describe it, and I can't accurately move my facial muscles to reflect the power behind it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel.

I just feel differently from them.

Basically, Angelynn, I just want to say that other people can't determine your passions for you. And they won't know the workings of your mind like you do, but that's okay. There are feelings (many of them) that can't be voiced and it's okay to be quiet. It's okay to reflect. It's okay to be the things that people think you're not, because you can really be anyone.

And maybe we need a little less noise and a little more of that soul-wrenching phenomena. Because there a lot of things that aren't heard, but rather sensed by some inward premonition.

xx

Angela