September 19, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

Lately I've been obsessed with silence and quiet and solitude. For me, it's not something exceptionally weird, because I am an introvert, but lately it's gotten worse and worse. I feel like I'm becoming less and less social and more and more apprehensive at the thought of talking to people. Or like making new friends or trying to flirt (emphasis on the trying.) 

Seriously, it's gotten so bad that my mom thinks that I'm never going to marry or have children or do any "normal people stuff."

Honestly, it doesn't sound too bad to me.

I'm not even sure what it is, because I don't even think it's a problem with commitment; it's a problem with people. Not that there's anything wrong with individuals, but just something about people as a whole has been rubbing me the wrong way lately. I can't pinpoint it.

I'm being shoved into school where there are too many people and the classrooms are too cold and I don't like the classes or the lunches or anything at all really. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't feel sad exactly or happy or angry. Just miserable and confused and jittery. Like I'm screaming inside and ripping my hair out, but externally, I'm just sitting there.

I'm crap at displaying emotion.

Really though, Angelynn, I think I'm going insane. I think I've lost my last marble. I think my brain's up and left.

Because I think I know what the problem is. I don't want to admit it. But it's true. I know it is.

For some reason, I feel like a massive idiot. This year isn't blowing by. I have to apply myself and manage time, and not waste time by writing nonsense letters to myself. (Okay, actually I'm doing fairly well with my classes, just not Spanish.) The workload is insane in all of my classes and I find myself wishing that I could have a whole week of study hall instead of one measly block every other day. And Spanish. Spanish will be the death of me, because how can I go from getting over 100% on tests to barely getting over 50?

And the judgment of school. Even if they're not looking at me, I feel like they are. I feel like everyone is out to get me to scrutinize my every move and judge and point and laugh. (But really, I am nobody, so it's not like it's actually happening.)

Angelynn, between this conjured image of judgement and the pure discomfort of school, I think I've convinced myself that everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Thus, making me believe that I am an idiot. And when you and everyone around you has always considered you as "smart" and suddenly that's stripped from under your feet... I just feel lost. And confused. Like everything I thought I was has suddenly morphed into nothing short of a myth.

I also thought I was really self-confident. Guess I'm not that either.

So who am I?

Maybe that's why I don't want to see anybody, because I don't want them to find out who I am until I find out for myself. Because suddenly I've lost my personality and I don't know what to say or what to feel or what to think. It's really confusing to get this all on paper.

Maybe I can't write, either.

Maybe I can't do anything. I don't even know anymore.

I can't seem to commit my time to anything: school, self-discovery, social "normal people stuff." Maybe I do have a commitment issue.

I wouldn't know, Angelynn. I don't know anything anymore.

God, I sound so self-loathing. I hate it. I feel like I'm one of those weak female characters that I absolutely despise. So I mean, if not being one of those characters is what it takes to get by- I'll do it. Anyways, it's late. It's never good to mull over deep thoughts when I'm tired, I tend to be really melodramatic when I do that.

Sorry, Angelynn, that this isn't an inspiring message that will aid you in the future. It's really more of a warning, like "what not to do."

But I hope by the time you've read this, you've become a bit more self-actualized and actually have a clue on which direction your life is taking. I know you're smart... it just takes a while to get back into the swing of things.

xx

Angela