April 15, 2013

Dear Angelynn,

I think it's completely ridiculous how I try, when it's not even possible to be the best. Because I mean, "best" is just an opinion. But it seems that no matter how hard I try and struggle, I can't help but compare myself to someone else. Like, I thought I tried and how come I'm still not good enough? How come it seems like no matter how much I try: I'm going nowhere? It's like running on a treadmill... maybe it's good for you, but there's no destination.

I don't know how to get from Point A to Point B. I don't know which way is up which way is down. And I try to reach it, but it's like I'm holding the map upside down, and why can't I just do it right?

Maybe they try, too. And maybe, probably, they deserve it. But it doesn't make me feel better. Because sometimes I still feel like it's all futile, you know? Like I'm not going to be the smartest. And I can't really dance. And maybe I can't even really write either and everything's been a lie. Maybe I can't play piano. I feel like my handwriting looks like crap and I can't play ping-pong or any sport, really. And I would just like to give up. Now. And do whatever I want with my life. Like, sleep and waste my days away on YouTube, munching on a bag of M&M's. As if I'm not a complete failure and do that already.

For once, I just want to be good at something. Like the best at something. And actually be proud of myself for whatever I accomplished. But I'm not ever proud.

To some people, that's good. I suppose it's good to have a high goal or expectation for oneself, but is the bar too high for me? Am I setting myself up for failure and disappointment. I feel like I am. But I just want to know what success tastes like.

The thing is, also, that I'm not dead last in whatever I do either. I can't even fail properly. It's always this in between, wishy-washy, indecisive, middle-state. And I want out. I don't like the middle. I just want to know which way I'm supposed to be headed and book it out of the middle, middle, middle. And go up, down, left, right. Anywhere but where I am now.

I think it's a saying where it says "Winning isn't everything. It's how you get there that matters" or "It's about the journey, not the outcome." Or some other inspirational and deep meaningful saying like that.

And this worries me, because not only do I not make it about the "journey" I think the saying is false. I guess I really don't appreciate the journey, and I want to rush to get things done, just so I can say I finished. And I just feel that if I don't do my best, the journey was completely useless. I don't grow from it, instead I just shrink away and bask in the rays of my failure.

And remind myself why I'm an awful human being. Who's good at nothing. Good for nothing. And just so ungodly average, average. Average. That I just can't handle it.

But honsestly, I feel as if the only thing worse than failure is giving up. It's so cowardly, and I'm not going to lie and say that I'm a brave person, because God knows that's not true. I don't know why I try, Angelynn. I don't know why anybody tries honestly. For the success? The journey? For themselves? Or for their future selves, like you, Angelynn. I don't know.

Humans are weird. Like I'm talking to you, aren't I? Maybe you'll come back one day and shake your head, and be like "Oh, Angela. You were so stupid and naive back then." Or maybe you'll completely agree: Humans are weird. I'm weird. You're weird. We're all weird.

I like to also think that they're nice, and that really the only person who cares if I fail, is myself. So I think, if I'm only disappointing myself, it's okay to fail.

And also, Angelynn, I hope that when you read this you'll have failed many times, and you'd be okay with that, because really, it's the journey that matters, right? I hope that when you read this, you'll remember the journey from here (Point A) to wherever you are (Point B).

xx Angela