Few days after our first date, I awoke on a regular Thursday morning with a light sheet of snow on my window ledge. Having had a few great weeks and a love for winter activities, initially I smiled at the white fluff. Winter was by far my favourite season. As a child I would jump up and down at the sight of the first snow fall of the year, always eager to bolt out of the door to make a snow family. Today the snow was bittersweet. The indicator of the season created a deeper validation of my earlier suspicions. I believed that I had returned few months prior to my death and had until January 23rd to complete my task. At first, I had joked about it with grandpa, but if my suspicions were in fact true, it was suddenly clear to me that I had very little time left. Though I still had no way of telling the exact date, the snow meant it was at least November, potentially even December. I figured I had at most 2 months left... Which just wasn't enough time.

      For my grandfather's sake, I forced a smile, completing my usual morning routine. I tried to live in the moment, looking forward to seeing Lexi and my new friends. Despite my best efforts, it seemed grandpa could read me a lot better than I thought.

     "Jaxson?" he called, just before I could walk out of the door. I cursed under my breath. I had been so close to escaping.

     I paused in the doorway, turning with inquiring brows.

     "Call me if you need anything, alright?"

     My smile faltered. I nearly dropped the act then. His calm and empathetic gaze toying at the lump in my throat, urging me to confide in him. He had always been an understanding man and had helped me work out a lot of problems when he was alive, but there was no working this out. There was no fixing this, and grandpa had already voiced his concerns of my emotional state. I didn't want to give him further reason to worry.

     Lexi's home was a small detour from my usual route to school, but it posed me no bother. Of course, I would jump at the idea of spending more time with her. I was especially grateful for her presence, that day. As hard as I tried, I could not seem to refocus my attention. The icy roads only made matters worse. As snowflakes fell from the sky, I gripped the steering wheel tighter. It was one wrong turn on icy roads similar to those I drove on now that had ended my life. I fleetingly remembered the accident. I remembered the screeching tires and terror as the car rolled over. But there wasn't much else before everything went black. One would think that I'd find solace in the idea that I hadn't been conscious long enough to suffer, but it tortured me to not know the full extents and outcomes of the events of that night. It tortured me to be completely cut off from my old life. I knew that I was the only fatality of the crash. I knew that my parents and sister had survived, but the state in which they came out of it? I had no clue. If not for the many distractions involving my new situation, the lack of details would have long ago driven me mad.

     Lexi jumped into the seat next to mine, shivering from the cold. Greeted by her bright smile, snowflakes glittering in her hair, I couldn't help but feel at greater peace. I heaved a breath of relief. Recounting her busy morning, and her siblings' terrorizing excitement a result of the first snowfall of the year, I found myself laughing, mood lifted as Lexi seemed to act as a repellant of upsetting thoughts.

      Though neither I, nor Lexi spoke of our first date and the ones to follow, it seemed the entire school already knew of our blossoming relationship. That was the thing with small schools; news spread like wildfire. As we walked through the front doors that morning, we received plenty of knowing looks, our fellow students unabashedly studying us.

      Stopping at my locker, Lexi didn't even have time to reach her locker before I was jumped by Conrad, Jay, and Landon. Laughing at the way I startled, Conrad leaned against the neighbor locker, watching Lexi from a far, with a smirk on his face.

     "I still can't believe you got through to her," Conrad remarked. "Good on you... Now, I told myself I wouldn't pry, but I've got a few ladies persistently asking me if you two are official."

     I crinkled my nose. Ladies? Official. It took me many moments to understanding that Conrad was asking if Lexi and I were dating officially. Making move to respond, answer initially obvious, I nearly recoiled when realization dawned on me. Like a slap to the face, it hit me. Things had been going so well between me and Lexi. We hung out all the time at school and then at the library at night. We had gone on multiple unofficial dates similar to our first. She introduced me to the local park, to Freddy's dinner and Chelsea's ice cream Parlor... But we never spoke of our relationship status. It had never crossed my mind. I had been too excited with the new development, to think it further.

     "You didn't ask her," Conrad noted, amused facade turned to disbelief.

     The look on my face must have said it all, Conrad didn't need verbal confirmation. "Idiot!" he exclaimed, smacking the back of my head. "What are you waiting for?"

      "I forgot," I defended weakly, looking down the hall uneasily. I could only see the back of Lexi's head, still busy with something in her locker.

     Conrad's amusement returned, laughing as he watched me the same way one would look at a lost puppy. "You're not even officially dating yet, and you're already whipped."

     "I'm not whipped," I mumbled, very little confidence to my tone. I was so enthralled with her, that if Lexi so much as mentioned having a crush on a fictional character from her current read, I would gladly show up to school in ruffled collars and laced shirts. Conrad was right.

     "I say you switch your morning with the boys and talk to her," Jay advised.

     "Right now?!" I demanded incredulously, making no attempt to hide the panic in my tone.

     "Yes, now," Conrad agreed. "Poor girl's probably so confused."

     I spluttered, failing to find a valid argument. Shutting my locker for me, Conrad pushed me into the hallway.

     "You'll thanks us for this later," Conrad promised. "We're revoking your right to sit with us until you speak to her."

     I didn't even care that I was standing in the middle of the hallway, likely standing in people's way. I stood there and watched my three so called friends with a stupid look on my face.

      "Revoke my right to sit with you?" I sniffed. "What are we 12?"

     Conrad shrugged, still highly amused. "Love is a powerful thing at any age."

     I frowned again, thinking Conrad's behavior even stranger than usual. I only understood his intentions when I found three pair of eyes strained on something, or rather someone behind me. I knew that small shadow. I'd know it anywhere; shoulders drawn inwards timidly, ankles shifting nervously. My body tensed. They were almost certainly smirking at a certain curly haired brunette who had stolen most, if not all of my brain cells. Praying she heard little of our conversation, I turned around, shoulders slumping when I met brown eyes, the final bit of confirmation I needed.

     "See you later, Lexi." The three boys sang in unison, leaving me to suffer the consequences of their actions.

     Noting Lexi's flaming cheeks, I groaned, standing in front of the four girls with a new state of exasperation.

     "I'm sorry about them," I said, choosing to ignore Angela's soft chuckling. I wanted to say more, but I couldn't imagine what I could possibly say to defend their behavior and not embarrass myself or Lexi.

      Coming to a mutual understanding to ignore the incident, we all nodded before proceeding down the hall together. Lexi, despite her efforts to hide it, remained visibly uncomfortable.

      "So, you're spending the morning with us instead?" Ange inquired.

     "Unless you too revoke my right to sit with you."

      "What'd you do?" she laughed.

      "Nothing," I defended too quickly. "The boys are just being idiots."

     "Interesting," Ange responded, biting back a smile as she studied my expanding blush.

      Saving me embarrassment, she said no more on the matter, instead questioning Julia on our chemistry homework. She did, however, catch my gaze and then proceed to subjectively direct her gaze to the brunette between the both of us, silently letting me know that she had easily read to situation. Blushing, again (it seemed it was all I did these days) I looked forward, forcing my attention to our upcoming class.

      Class was not much different than usual. The girls sat quietly, paying attention to the teacher, while I tried to do the same, stubbornly denying my ensuing nervous breakdown. Making the mistake of briefly turning towards the guys, my palms only became sweatier when they sent kissy faces in Lexi and I's direction. I swivelled back around in my seat, desperately trying to control the heat in my face as to avoid catching Lexi's attention. Looking fixedly at the board, I didn't look their way for the rest of the period, knowing very well that they continued to scrutinize my every move.

      Much to my dismay, Lexi was quick to notice my apprehension. During the short break between Chemistry and Calculus class, we sat on our usual, secluded bench. I was considerably quieter than usual, teeth pressed tightly against the corner of my bottom lip.

      "Are you alright?" Lexi asked me quietly.

      I forced a smile and small nod of my head.

      Lexi looked at me skeptically and I sighed, unable to resist her brown eyes. "Conrad voiced something that I had forgotten to do." I chose my words carefully. "I'm a little stressed out about it, but it's probably not a big deal."

      "I'm sure whatever it is will work out." She smiled softly.

      My heart twitched in my chest. Again, she didn't push. She gave me the choice to elaborate or not, despite her obvious desire to know more. I would have taken the opportunity to drop the subject, if not for noting the strange expression on her face. She looked worried, almost disappointed as though she knew she was involved in the matter and feared she had done something wrong. I couldn't leave her in that state of mind, though I was certain that the conversation that would ensue would equally upset her.

      "Actually... Can we talk?"

      Lexi frowned, briefly confused by my request until she realised that I meant privately. Angela, Kianna, and Julia were on a bench within earshot, Lexi blushed in anticipation. She was smart. She probably knew what I wanted to talk about. She was probably panicking in attempt to find the perfect words to let me down easy.

      "I've got a question for Mrs. Hart, why don't we go see her before class starts?" Angela suggested, dragging Kianna and Julia along with her before they could answer. Making a grab for their things, they scrambled after her.

      Lexi and I stayed put. I didn't miss Ange's stern look shot my way before she turned around. The look clearly said you better be doing what I think you're doing. No pressure, I reminded myself.

     We were silent as I tried to find the courage to speak. In and out, I took deep breaths.

     "There's nothing you can say that will make me resent you," Lexi promised.

     "I just don't want you to pity me," I blurted. Lexi looked up, brows furrowed faintly. "I can't have you trying to spare my feelings. I need you to be honest—"

      Suddenly much calmer, Lexi smiled shyly. "I do remember making a pinky promise," she said, tone significantly lighter. "I'll be honest."

      I only nodded rigidly, still a nervous wreck. "Alright," I tried again, swallowing hard. "I don't want to make this cheesy, and I'm trying to find the words that will make me sound the least pathetic. But there seems to be no other way... What are we?"

     Unable to suppress her amusement, Lexi smirked. Mind still preoccupied with jumbled thoughts and heart clambering to an unsteady beat, I didn't understand the meaning of her smile, frowning lightly at its presence. Was she laughing at me? Was she smiling in anticipation of my upcoming question?

     "I'm not sure what you mean," she teased. "What are we in the sense of beings in general? Or ethnicity maybe? If I had to guess, I'd say you were middle Eastern. Maybe you meant employment? Relationship..."

      "You're making fun of me," I accused, still perplexed by her behavior.

      "Not making fun. Just teasing. You're cute when you're flustered."

      I was slow on the uptake. But when realisation dawned on me, body freezing, I spun her way in disbelief. "You?" is all I managed, in a hopeful tone.

      Though I uttered one word, Lexi seemed to know what I meant. She nodded.

     "You want?" I tried again, still seemingly incapable of uttering full sentences. I felt as though my heart might burst through my chest at any moment.

     Lexi's body shook in contained laughter, and I released a breath of relief, slumping on the bench. Hand to my tight chest, my teeth released my gnawed check, lips forming a genuine smile.

     "Wait." I straightened myself as I fully remembered the purpose of our chat. I needed things to be very clear. No more miscommunication. "I just want to clarify. You— I mean we're..." I paused, nerves making a reappearance.

     This time Lexi waited for me to finish, knowing that my thoughts would not be eased until my words and her answer were spoken clearly.

     "Does this mean you're my girlfriend? Officially?" Immediately I cringed at my words. Though I had known her so shortly, the term seemed insufficient in comparison to the feelings I held for her. Girlfriend was not enough to represent my soulmate. But it's all I had. It's all I would ever have.

      "Do you want me to be?"

     "Of course." I spoke without a beat of hesitation. "I don't think the extent of my feelings for you could have been made any more painfully obvious, at this point."

     Lexi laughed. "Then, the answer is yes."

     "Yes?"

     "Yes," she repeated, with a chuckle.

     "You said yes because you want to, though, right? Not—"

      "Yes!" she repeated with more affirmation, laughing fully as she playfully nudged my shoulder. "I chose to say yes, all by myself. And I am remaining true to my honesty and our pinky promise by doing so."

      With relieved laughter and bell soon to ring, I walked her to class, an irrevocable smile on my bright face.

      The girls said nothing when we joined them, but by the smiles that reflected ours, I knew that they knew. All worries momentarily vanished, I retrieved some of my old confidence, finally feeling as though I had achieved something important. I couldn't imagine how I could possibly mess things up within the span of two months... Though, when I thought of it, none of my previous relationships had lasted longer than a few weeks. Shaking away any thought of doubt, I reminded myself that things with Lexi were different. Our bond was already much deeper than that I had developed with anyone else. I was finally in the best position to help her, and I looked forward to helping her earn the self-confidence she deserved.

      Conrad mouthing unreadable questions as we sat in class, I didn't even need to nod, affirmation of my new status evident to the whole group by my joyful expression. Small hoots of celebration from the team, the teacher and most of the students turned their way. I pinched the bridge of my nose, knowing better than to hope that their small outburst would go unnoticed by Lexi. Most's attention returned to the lecture; I shot Conrad another warning glance. Conrad's sly smirk never flickered. I repressed a groan, sending him other another urgent look in plea that he refrains from embarrassing me. Rolling his eyes, Conrad raised his hand as though in solemn promise. I thought my friend's keeping of the promise was highly unlikely.

      Those doubts where validated when Conrad, along with Jay and Landon, each holding their lunch kits, once again joined me at my locker at lunch time.

      "I can sit with you, now?" I joked, after the boys embarrassingly pushed me around in celebration.

     "Actually, we were hoping to sit with you."

      They wanted to sit with me... with Lexi. In a flash, my expression turned to panic. I was convinced that this was the way I would ruin things in less than two months. The day our relationship started would be the same day it ended.

      "No," I answered immediately, horrified by the thought of the discomfort Lexi and I would certainly feel in their presence.

      "It'll be fine," Conrad countered casually, already pushing me down the hall. "Just make sure it's alright with them. I promise we'll be on our best behavior."

      My mind raced with the many potential consequences of our shared lunch, but my legs betrayed me, moving on their own accord. Cringing at the thought of their urgency to meet her, despite the fact that she had been officially my girlfriend for all of three hours, still I dreadfully headed her way.

      I knew the girls would agree, but as I also knew it would cause them some uneasiness, especially in Lexi and Kianna's cases. Uneasiness that they didn't voice out of politeness.

      Letting the four go ahead, I stayed behind, hoping to get the boys in line. "Please do your best to not make her uncomfortable. Don't just focus on Lexi, and when she blushes, and you know she will, do not mention it. And please don't make any sort of comment related to her timid personality, it'll only further unnerve her."

      Though Conrad rolled his eyes, enough sincerity remained in his expression to deduce that he had taken my words seriously.

      "Your lack of faith is hurtful, Scott," Conrad joked, amicably slinging his arm around me. "We will be very charming." Their idea of charming is what concerned me.

     I scoffed, making known my disbelief of his declaration.

      Taking the seat next to Lexi, Conrad sat on my other side, while Jay and Landon sat across from us. Initially awkward as the seven, excluding me, had known each other for years, but until now had paid each other's existence little attention, Conrad and Angela thankfully spoke enough for us all. I was taken aback by their behavior, boys much less boisterous and blunt than usual. It made for a surprisingly enjoyable lunch. Conrad had even taken my suggestions and had waited until the end of the period to bring up Lexi and I's new relationship. He didn't make it up to be the sole purpose of their visit, and I could tell it meant a lot to Lexi; she was at greater ease than I would have expected because of it. Though still timid and blushing, she answered his questions easily.

      I was thrilled to see them getting along, but the image tugged at my heart. Of course, I wanted my new friends to like her, but with the evident steady flurries outside the cafeteria windows and my earlier troubling thoughts, I was haunted by my life back home. I couldn't help but wonder how Jonah would react to meeting Lexi. The idea that I would never get to introduce her to my childhood best friend, and eventually my family, pained me deeply, but I refused to let myself succumb to those thoughts. This was not how I wanted to spend my precious time.

      I returned my attention to the conversation, laughing in spite of the pang in my chest. Ange teased us for our record-breaking levels of cluelessness, the six amused as they forced the real story of our first meeting out of me. The moment had been mortifying, but I was glad to say that I could now laugh at its memory. I didn't mind the playful teasing as it served as a useful distraction... Until Conrad spoke again. The statement was clearly just another joke, as we had known each other so shortly. I took no offence to it, but the words lead to a complete spiraling of the upsetting thoughts, that I had until that moment, successfully kept at bay.

      "I know you had said it was bad, but that's far from what I expected happened," Conrad laughed. "But it'll be a great story to tell the kids."

       The ache triggered by the statement, nearly took my breath away. I stifled a gasp. Conrad may as well have reached through my chest and seized my heart with a crushing grip. It took everything out of me to hide the pain, realization stinging like a slap to the face. Everything stung. These were things the others could dream of, things I had once dreamed of: graduation, College, marriage, children, growing old...They had high aspirations and expectations for the future. I wanted what they did. But it was impossible. I had no future to look forward to. I had known that. Grandpa made the circumstances of my return very clear. But it was only then that I took notice of the sliver of hope flickering deep within me. A naïve part of me was waiting for a miracle, half-expecting to one day live these dreams for the future. The realisation that there was no hope, that it was all wistful thinking was crushing.

      I forced a laugh, throat too constricted to attempt a verbal answer. None of the others noticed, but Lexi detected the pain my eyes despite my feigned joyful expression. Small hands delicately squeezing my lower thigh, I turned towards her with a small smile of gratitude.

      "Are you alright?" she asked very quietly, words meant only for my ears.

      Lump in my throat only growing, it physically pained me to force another smile and nod. She knew something was bothering me, that much was clear. But she nodded, understanding from my expression that it wasn't the right moment to talk about it. Hand on my thigh lingering a few seconds longer, an act of reassurance, my sorrows only deepened. Every act of kindness she showed me, every display of her genuine personality only served to remind me of the deepest desires that I could never but wanted so badly to share with her.

       I maintained my state of feigned joy, unable to repress painful memories and thoughts of the future for the rest of the afternoon. I could tell that Lexi read right through me, her wish to remain respectful to my right to decide whether or not to disclose myself to her, becoming very difficult to remain true to. She only addressed it when we found ourselves parked in her driveway.

       "You don't have to tell me anything." She fiddled nervously with the hem of her sweater. "I understand that some things are too personal to share, but you did make me promise to be honest with you, and I hope you respect me enough to do the same... I don't want you to have regrets, or to, as you said this morning, spare my feelings."

       Blank stare turned away from the accumulating snow, I shot her a deep frown. Regrets? Spare her feelings? Her fears so far from my true feelings, once again it took a while for realization to dawn on me.

       "You think I regret asking you out?" I asked astounded, intensity of my tone startling her. "Sorry," I tried again, lowering my tone. "I just think the idea outrageous. Let me be clear that I have zero regrets... You've actually been one of my few solaces today."

      Though she smiled softly, still she watched me curiously.

      "I'm just missing my family and friends back home," I spoke whatever of the truth that I could. "I wish I could explain everything, and I promise that someday I will, but right now, I physically can't... I guess seeing you get along with my new friends reminded me of my wish for you to meet my other ones."

      Knowing that that was all I would say on the matter, Lexi smiled, thankful for even a partial telling of the truth. Gathering her bag, she reached for the door handle.

      "I understand" she said. "If you need anything don't be afraid to ask... And even if not now, I'm sure that we'll find some time to meet up with your other friends."

        I smiled painfully, appreciating her consideration, but her words acted as another dagger to my chest. I watched her walk away, every step she took, every breath I breathed burning in my chest.

       I only fully let down my guard when Lexi was out of sight, a chocked breath escaping my throat as I forced myself to return to the icy roads. Though finally alone, still I struggled to completely let myself feel the emotions that were becoming impossible to ignore. Eyes blurring with tears, but letting none fall, I was haunted by memories of screeching tires, uncontrolled sliding and the horrid, harsh sound of metal crashing into wood. It was all I could think about. I was all too aware of the power my hands held against the steering wheel, the power of my feet on the gas pedal. The walls seemed to shrink, car impossibly smaller, seat belt tighter against my torso. I needed out. Out of this dangerous machinery; a machine so powerful yet so fragile.

      I scrambled out of the car the moment it was in park. Slamming the door shut, I hunched over my knees, feet meeting solid ground in a relief. Desperately I tried to even my breathing, needing to get a hold of myself before facing grandpa. I couldn't let him see me this way.

      I took a few moments to collect myself. With a controlled expression, I walked inside, planning to hold only a very brief conversation before retreating to my room.

      "How was your day?" Grandpa asked as I entered the kitchen.

      "Great." I smiled. "Lexi and I are officially dating."

      I hoped the voiced success would distract him, allowing me to escape without causing suspicion. Cheering with excitement, grandpa offered me any dinner of my choosing as celebration.

      "Can I get a rain check?" I asked, body already aligned towards my bedroom. "I'm kind of tired... I think I'm going to go sleep for a bit."

      I made move to turn away, but grandpa's sudden look of pity led me to pause. The man had not bought a single word I had spoken.

      "I'm just tired," I tried to convince him, to no avail. "I've been stressed and haven't been sleeping well. I'll be fine."

      "Jaxson," he said softly, lightly taking hold of my arm to stop me. "It's okay if you're not fine."

      Meeting his sad, understanding eyes, my composure broke. I had never been able to keep secrets from him. Chocked sob escaping me, I held my weight against the wall. I slid into a sitting position as one small tear slipped down my cheek.

      "I've got such little time." My voice cracked. "It feels stupid to waste it feeling this way."

      "As much as this is for her, you can't ignore your own needs. This is meant for your benefit as well. You can't just push away unwanted emotions... otherwise this happens."

       I chuckled half-heartedly, sniffling as I used my sleeve to wipe my wet cheek. "I was honestly fine until I saw the snow," I admitted. Grandpa took a seat against the wall opposite to mine. "It got me thinking of the accident... I know I'll get to see them soon, not that it'll be the same— But then that marks the end of this thing with Lexi..." I took another pause, voice broken as I finally let retained tears flow freely. "I don't want to stay dead, grandpa. I know there's no changing it, but it sucks. I had to some extent accepted it... It was just a stupid joke. He had no way of knowing better, but Conrad mentioned Lexi and I's future children. I know it's impossible... but I can't help but want that. I've never wanted anything more than I want a future with her.

      "It hurts. It really hurts to think that I will never get that... No prom. No graduation or College application. No more annual family gatherings. No wedding. No children. And no growing old with the person I love— It's not fair. It's not fair and I wasn't bitter about it until I really realised what I was losing out on."

      Last words spoken very quietly, the lump in my throat prevented me from going on. Shedding a tear of his own, grandpa was silent, letting me speak without interruption. There was nothing he could say that would fix this, and I saw in his eyes how desperately he wished he could help me. A marked devastation on his features, as I assumed that he too imagined all the milestones that I would never attain.