How could I cry because someone I didn't even know? So many tears escaped my eyes since the moment I found out that he left. Gone. He won't smile again in the  way only he knew. He won't cry at concerts. He won't write so many more songs he wanted. But he will be at peace.

I am still scared of this truth. Is it real? I am searching for the news that this was a misunderstanding;that our Jonghyun is alive. But I can't find it.

I am so regretful. I feel so guilty. So empty and shaken that the last two days passed by me like I was asleep.

SHINee is one of my ult group. I love all the members. I love their music. I love how unique they are. Their voices are so different from any others I ever heard. And there was this one voice I noticed right away. Of course it was him. Jonghyun.

So powerful and sharp,yet so gentle and soft. Sometimes like a scream,sometimes like a whisper.

I called him ' a man wit five voices in one'.

Talking about SHINee members I usually would put him at the end of the list. Not because I didn't love him,not because he wasn't special. I just don't know the reason and it is haunting me.

I loved watching him angry an shocked. He was like a little fluffy ball of cuteness jumping around when he is angry. Thet would always make me smile and thank you for that Jonghyun.

I loved the fact that he has a solo career too but I couldn't listen to his solo songs often.  Not I didn't like then. Again there was no reason. I exused myself talking that they are too depressive for me. Maybe that was the reason. I felt all his pain in that songs. All his sorrow and  cries I could hear in those beautiful melodies. I understood and that's why I couldn't listen to him. I knew how he was feeling because those feelings weren't unknown to me. I couldn't bear the fact that someone else is suffering too. I said his voice was iritating me. I heard scream in it. It was hidden,it was soft and desperate. He was crying for help.

I am sorry that they didn't understand. Even I didn't knew myself enough to recognise this reason.

His death hit me hard.

All this feelings strongly hit my head and shoke my heart. Tears can't take them away so easily.

Noone wanted to understand fully and help him and he couldn't get that battle by himself. Alone.  With people but alone. Terrible feeling. Emptiness. Selfhatred. Pain. Thinking how worthless you must be.

And our dear Jonghyun couldn't stand those feeling anymore. He decided to go to a better place. To heaven where he belongs. Ending pain and life in that kind of way must mean that someone is desperate.

He was leaving so many messages for us but it's like noone saw. I feel so burdened with his death. My heart is aching. He suffered and he was alone.

Dear soul you are now everywhere. And world has become so much prettier because you kindness and beauty spread in the air.

I hope your death won't be in vain. Maybe people will realise that they should love more and talk to each other more. Fans should stop their wars. They should love their idols for what they are-humans at first,with good and bad days,with flaws and hardships like evrybody else.

I hope Jonghyun will see from above how much we loved him and that he smiles.

And,for the end,a few words he wanted to hear so desperately:

You did well Jonghyn❤

RIP our Angel. Shawols stay strong.