STELLA

I should have realized something was wrong earlier, but I assumed I was coming down with something, feeling warm and nauseous after dinner. 

And then I noticed the spotting before I took a shower, but it wasn't anything alarming so I didn't think too much about it and felt more assured when I also looked it up and found that spotting is typically okay and even normal as long as it isn't excessive or continuous.

Yet, I just woke up in a cold sweat and also feel like I'm burning up, the small stomach discomfort I felt earlier is now full blown cramps and getting increasingly more painful. 

I grab my phone on the nightstand and see it's two in the morning. 

I yank the blankets and sheets off me to go grab a glass of water but I gasp when I see the blood under me and panic. 

I grab my phone and call JP. He answers on the second third ring, his voice thick with sleep. "Princess? You okay?"

"There's blood, it's everywhere, JP!" I cry into the phone. 

"Stella, what is it, what's wrong?" 

"The baby," I sob. 

"I'm coming home, I'll be there as soon as I can. I'll call Damien, don't hang up." 

I grab a hold of my stomach as a sharp pain flares and cry out. I can hear JP calling out for me, but I hang up. I need someone here now. 

I make another call struggling to get my fingers to cooperate by how much they're shaking. "Mamma?"

"Stellina mia, cosa c'è?" She asks groggily. (What's wrong?)

"Help me, please!" 

"Vengo, cara, vengo!" (I'm coming, dear I'm coming)

My phone rings again and I see it's JP, but I can't talk right now as another wave of pain hits me and I fall back on the bed, gritting my teeth as I try to breath through the pain. The bedroom door burst open and I see my mom with Nicky. 

My mom rushes over to me and instructs Nicky to carry me to the bathroom. My phone continues to ring and ring, until my mom picks it up my phone, letting JP know it's her. She starts talking to him quickly in Italian and I wail when she tells him, she thinks I'm losing the baby. 

"No!" I sob. Nicky picks me up and rushes to the bathroom then sets me on the toilet as I shake and tremble from the pain and the anguish I'm feeling. 

My mom tells Nicky to go downstairs, so he can bring Damien up when he arrives. She turns back to me and places my phone on the counter. "John Paul, needs to talk with you, figlia mia." She hits the speaker icon on my phone. "Go ahead, John Paul." (my daughter)

I hear him sniffle, before he clears his throat. "I'm so sorry, amore." 

"No," I shake my head as I rock myself back and forth, "Not again. Not again." Flashes of when I found out I lost our first baby come back to me just as painfully as the physical pain I'm feeling right now rips through me. 

"I'm pulling up to the tarmac now. I'll be there soon, okay?"

"Not again," I repeat. I vaguely hear JP and my mom talking before she hangs up and I wince and cry out when another cramp comes. 

"Mamma," I gasp and she holds me around the shoulders. "Why is there so much blood?" I ask panting through the pain.

"I don't know, piccola," She whispers back to me, rubbing my back. (little one)

My mom helps me into the shower to cool me down and clean up. Afterward she helps me slip on a clean nightgown, as I continue sitting over the toilet, the blood won't stop. Damien walks in with Nicky some time later. My mom tells Nicky to get one of the maids to come in and clean up the bedroom.

Damien moves in front of me and begins asking me a question after question, taking my vitals. I can't help but ask the question even though I know the answer, but I'm hoping for a miracle. "Damien, is the baby okay?"

The saddened, grim look on his face is answer enough. "I'm so sorry, Stella." 

A fresh set of tears pour out of me as I sit there in my suffering. Damien calls out to Nicky and then also speaks to my mom. I don't hear what they are saying but then I hear Lucy call out for me. "Mom!" 

"Mom, is everything okay?" I can hear the fear in her voice. 

My mom walks out of the bathroom to stop her from coming in. "Lucy, dolcezza, please go back to your bedroom, okay?" My mom tells her softly. (sweetheart)

"I want to see mom, first, please?" Her voice shakes. "Mom?"

"Nicky." My mom says his name in a way that tells him what he needs to do.

"No, no, Nicky, please no, just let me see mom, please." She cries. I can only assume he's carrying her out of the room. 

Damien carries me back to the bed and I notice not only are the sheets are changed but there are hospital like bed pads laid out before he sets me over them. The mattress has been replaced considering it sits higher than before.

"I'm going to stay to monitor you Stella, if your fever doesn't go down or if you're still bleeding heavily, we will need to take you to the hospital." Damien tells me. "How's your pain?"

The only thing I can manage to do is whimper in response. 

My mom looks over at Damien worriedly. He lets her know he'll sit on the couch near the window. My mom crawls into the bed with me and holds me gently, whispering to me softly and lovingly in Italian.

The next couple few hours I alternate from going in and out of a restless sleep, crying and waking up from the cramping, and going to the bathroom. The pain is not as strong now or maybe I'm becoming numb to it, it's hard to say.

Light from the hallway shines in when the bedroom door opens and I can see its JP. He sets his bag down and Damien walks over to him and talks to him quietly. He hugs JP briefly before he walks out of the room, then I see my mom walk over to him. She hugs him, too and I watch as she wipes his face gently and kisses his head before she too, leaves. 

My vision blurs as he approaches me quietly and in the moonlight I can see his eyes are shining with tears as he kneels in front of me and he sees I'm awake. "Amore mio," His breath hitches as he caresses my face softly. 

I sob quietly in the darkness of our room and reach out a shaky hand to touch his face and feel the wetness on his face, too. "I'm sorry, JP." I cry louder. "I'm so sorry!" 

He climbs into the bed and turns me carefully to face him and he holds me as we cry in each others arms until our bodies give in to the physical and emotional fatigue we both feel. 

<><><><>

The next day JP doesn't leave my side. He holds me as I cry in his arms and he tells me he loves me over and over. 

I sleep sporadically, throughout the day and by evening, the bleeding has significantly lessened.

We hear a knock at the door and JP lets go of me to go answer it. I hear Lucy's voice. "Please, JP, can I see my mom?"

He looks back at me and I give him a small nod. He opens the door wider to let her in. I sit up carefully and watch as she takes a deep breath trying to be strong to control her emotions. 

Her eyes are slightly puffy, letting me know she's been crying and by the shadows under her eyes, it doesn't look like she slept at all. "Lucy, I'm okay."

She chokes on a sob and she walks quickly to me and hugs me. She tightens her arms around me. 

"I'll be back, amore," JP tells me and I nod. 

Lucy pulls back and looks at me tearfully. "I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm here for you." I smile softly at her, wiping the tears from her face. 

"Thank you, Luce. I'm so sorry if you were scared or worried." 

She shakes her head at me. "I just wanted...I wanted to be with you." She cries silently. 

I pull her on the bed to lay next to me. "Come here, my sweet girl," I grit my teeth at a sharp twinge I feel with the movement I make to lay back, but it goes away quickly. Lucy lays her head on my chest and holds me carefully. 

"Tell me about your date." 

She shakes her head. "No, we don't need to talk about it."

"Please? It will help me take my mind off of..." I trail off as the tears build in my eyes. 

Lucy sniffles. "Okay," She responds quietly. She goes on to tell me how she and Marco went miniature golfing, then had ice cream afterward. "We also went in one of those photo booths." 

"You'll have to show me the pictures," I smile. 

We sit there, quietly for a moment. "You're strong, mom. Don't lose hope." I squeeze my arm around her as tears fall down my face.

"I love you so much, Lucy." 

JP walks in with a food tray. "I'll let you eat. Can I come back later?" Lucy stands but holds onto my hand.

"Of course, Luce." She hugs me again then kisses my cheek before she walks up to JP and wraps her arms around him. He moves the tray to one hand and hugs her back with one arm. 

"I'm so sorry, JP. I don't know if this is okay to say, but it's the truth; you and mom are already amazing parents." She kisses his cheek and then hurries out of the room. 

JP sets the food tray on the night stand. "She really is a sweet kid." 

I nod, wiping at the never ending tears. "Here, drink this." 

He brings a cup carefully to my lips, it's coconut water. I grimace after swallowing. "That doesn't taste very good." 

"It's supposed to help with iron absorption,"JP gives me a small smile. "Just take a few more sips; you don't have to finish it. I'll bring you something else to drink." 

"No, it's okay, I'll just drink this. Can't promise I'll have it again, though," I tell him honestly. He picks up a lightly buttered toast and brings it to my mouth to feed me. 

"I don't feel like eating, JP." 

"Just three bites then I'll take it away." He barters with me. I sigh and take a bite. It tastes good, but the fact is I have no appetite. I force myself to take two more bites and then JP sets the unfinished toast on the tray. 

He turns back to me. "How are you feeling?"

I don't want to answer. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to keep crying. I don't want to keep feeling helpless and hopeless. Constantly wondering what I did wrong. 

"Amore?"

I look up at him and see the worry in JP's face. I smile; a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless. "I'm fine." 

"Princess, it's okay not to be fine." 

I pull the sheets back and move to his side of the bed to get out slowly and head to the bathroom; JP follows me. I turn on the shower, fighting through the memories of yesterday. "Please talk to me amore." 

"I am and I told you, I'm fine." I head back to the bedroom to grab a fresh set of clothes and then head back to the bathroom. 

"Stella, tell me what you're feeling." 

"I feel tired, didn't get much sleep." I head back to the nightstand feeling my anxiety creeping in on me and I check my phone. Several unread messages and voicemails from the kids, Enzo, and Annalisa. I set it down and rub my head and walk back to the bathroom, feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of a breakdown. 

"Talk to me, princess, I'm right here."

"But you weren't here when it mattered, just like before." It came out before I could stop it. 

The quiet, yet sharp intake of his breath combined with the pained look on his face cuts through me. I look away quickly. "I'm taking a shower," I mumble before I close the door on him. 

I lean back on the door and cover my mouth to stifle the sob that comes out. I slide down the door bringing my knees up to my chest door and cry quietly, feeling sad, angry and guilty. Wondering why this happened again. 

Wondering if I can survive through this pain I feel in my chest and if I can overcome the feelings of shame knowing my body rejected the love that JP and I have for each other. 

My lashing out at JP is from the suffocating fear I have, that after everything, this... this will be the reason he will regret choosing me to give his heart to.

*****