A/N: Contains some adult issues. Probably T/M.

THIRTEEN: Think Three Times

Toothless had arrowed straight back to the Edge and Hiccup had scoured his hut, making sure he took everything he needed and concealed a number of very sensitive all his DragonEye lenses, hiding them in a seastack that only a dragon could reach. Quietly, he made sure he was stocked up well with dried jerky and water and fish for Toothless. And then they looked back at their other home, the place where they had been so happy together-and with Astrid-and he sighed.

"Sorry, bud," he murmured. "I'm taking you away from a home and your friends..." But the Night Fury gave a little warble and nuzzled against him, as if reminding Hiccup My home is where you are. "Thanks, bud," he murmured. "Now, let's go get Astrid and Stormfly!"

They flew on, camping on seastacks and in caves as they headed to the Defenders' Isle and then on south, searching for the missing Astrid. They had lost another four days and he had no clue exactly where Astrid had headed-but he knew that she would seek people, travel from village to village and look for somewhere she could stay as her pregnancy advanced. Toothless was tired but loyally flew on until Hiccup stopped, knowing his dragon required rest. So they camped out and the next morning, Hiccup chose a direction and they headed on, scanning the horizon for any signs of land. When they finally found an island, the circled and landed, before the one-legged Viking walked in to the village-but the people were wary and unfriendly and no one admitted to having seen Astrid. Quietly, he had visited the bakery and traded some jerky for bread before he retreated, shaking his head at their hostility.

"Good thing I hid you, bud," he murmured. "These guys seem to be pretty unfriendly. And there were some dragon products in that place-similar to the Northern Markets." He sighed. "Guess this isn't an area where people are especially friendly towards dragons." He gave a shrug. "But when is it ever easy?" Toothless gave a low croon.

"Yeah, I agree," Hiccup said as they flew out of the island, unaware that lookouts were watching and saw the black dragon soar up and arrow off.

They spent another two days searching for any inhabited land at all. Hiccup had drawn up a grid and used his compass and mapping skills to construct a methodical search pattern which allowed him to carefully cover the area he had chosen before moving on. And though he was alone except for Toothless, for Hiccup, it was no hardship: he had spent so long flying with the dragon that he almost felt guilty that he was enjoying the experience of exploring and mapping a new area of the Archipelago that he was unfamiliar with.

Soaring in the cold air, the wind caressing his face and blowing his hair, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he should be devastated that he had been disowned, that he had lost his birthright and his Tribe...but the pressure of the contract, of the betrothal he had never wanted and which had ripped every dream and hope for the future from him, had been weighing him down. Suddenly he felt free, able to do exactly what he wanted-and he knew that all he wanted was to find Astrid and apologise for taking so long in coming for her. To declare his love and offer his undying devotion to her.

"And she'll probably punch me really hard for being a total muttonhead," he smiled to the Night Fury as he checked the compass and peered at the map. Nodding, he folded it away into his saddlebag and leaned to his left. "Okay, bud-there look to be some seastacks over there...hopefully, there may be some islands behind them and..."

Chains shot up and wrapped around the Night Fury as three ships emerged from the seastacks and closed on the struggling dragon and Rider. Toothless managed to shoot off a plasma blast-but the dragon-proof chains shrugged the blast off and another looped around his mouth, silencing him. Struggling but pinned, Hiccup could only prepared himself as they were hauled down lower and lower onto what could only be Dragon Hunter ships.

"Don't worry, bud," he grunted, wrestling to try to get Inferno free of the sheath. "There is no way these Hunters are going to get us. I mean, Viggo never trapped us like this..."

And then he jerked as he felt the familiar and very unwelcome bite of a dart in his neck. And just as abruptly, everything went black...

oOo

Quietly, Astrid returned to her small camp out of the village and wordlessly set up a fire and sat down. Stormfly, who had been hiding among the trees, emerged and approached timidly-because she could sense something was wrong with her Rider. Astrid looked deeply unhappy and her entire posture looked conflicted and sad. The Nadder chirped softly and Astrid warily lifted her blue eyes to inspect the reptile, then reached up and hugged the head, breathing heavily as she embraced a creature many still believed was a mindless beast. Slowly, the dragon settled down beside her as the girl fished out a bowl and filled it with water to warm over the flames. Then she weighed a small leather pouch in her hand and sighed.

Stormfly nudged her, cawing in distress. Her sensitive sense of smell warned her that the contents were noxious, dangerous to her Rider but Astrid gave a wan smile.

"It's okay, girl," she sighed. "It's okay. I got this from a Healer so I know it's safe."

But not completely.

Unbidden, her mind slid back to the village and the moment she made her decision. She had been gone from Berk for almost three weeks, heading further and further away from home and people she knew. The area was wary of dragons-most had never seen one and any who had heard of one assumed they were dangerous, fierce beasts while others, she guessed, were hunters. Astrid had decided the moment she left Berk that she would hide Stormfly and enter villages round the coast, claiming to have sailed in on a small boat. Her story was simple: she was without a family and was searching for a place to stay. She offered her skills as a warrior and her willingness to attempt any task and most places eyed her warily and allowed a little casual work but scant real welcome.

It had been dispiriting for the blonde warrior to have men doubting her skills and having to prove herself in every village. To have women eye her with jealousy and mutter amongst themselves and petition their husbands and chiefs to have her denied a place to stay. And she couldn't blame them, for she appeared a threat-and she wasn't willing to share her private woes and the reason why they had nothing to fear from the broken-hearted and pregnant woman. And every evening, as she trudged back to her dragon and moved on, she had grown more and more apprehensive about the future.

Finally, she had reached breaking point when the last village wouldn't even allow her to enter the perimeter, chasing her out like a vagabond or enemy and the set-back had shocked her, for it went against traditional Viking hospitality. She had limited supplies and she would spend a cold and hungry night if she was just a wandering loner...but she had Stormfly and she knew she could catch some fish and had a protector and friend.

But she was starved of human company and her broken heart missed Hiccup more and more than she could bear. They had been apart for far longer on missions and separated by captivity and danger but she had always known, in her heart of hearts, that they would be together again. She had always known she would see that lopsided smile, the sparkling emerald eyes and his sharp-jawed face again...but this time, there was no chance. Hiccup was gone, lost to her forever and she had lost her lover and her best friend. And because she couldn't endure seeing him with another meant that she had lost everything else.

She turned the small pouch over again, seeing the indigo and red strings knotted elegantly and tied around the waxed leather. She had visited the village healer in the last village that had admitted her-a comfortable woman of middle years with a spreading middle and thoughtful grey eyes. She had been surprised when the outsider had come to visit but Astrid's mission was very simple.

"I have a friend who is pregnant and unable to look after herself, let alone a child," she said after a pause. "She has lost her home, her family and the man she loves and she may be hunted. She paused. "I heard my mother talk that there are herbs that can...lose a pregnancy? That they can sort things out?"

The woman's silent inspection had Astrid blushing and fighting the urge to rest her hand over her lower abdomen to shield the tiniest of swellings from the knowing gaze.

"What else did she say?" the healer asked, her low voice thoughtful and devoid of condemnation. Astrid swallowed.

"The herbs kill the baby and cause bleeding. The pregnancy passes. That's all."

The woman shook her head, greying brown curls poking out from under the cloth wrapped casually around her head.

"It's not all," she said evenly. "The herbs kill the baby and cause the womb to waken. The pains are labour-early and savage. The child is forced out, along with the afterbirth. But it doesn't always proceed safely. Sometimes the bleeding is excessive and the woman is weakened or killed. Sometimes the child is retained and putrefies, leading to fever, infection and death. Sometimes both of those happen. A number of woman find themselves unable to ever bear another child. Almost all regret their decision for the rest of their lives. A few die from reacting to the herbs, having seizures and passing on. And such things are frowned upon by the gods. Does your friend know all these facts."

Eyes wide, Astrid shook her head. "I-I'll tell her," she stammered.

"How far on is your friend?" the healer asked.

"Three and a half moons," Astrid revealed, breathing hard and the woman rose, slowly walking to her chest and rummaging around until she straightened up holding a small waxed pouch, tied with the indigo and red strings that Astrid realised signified the herb. She pressed it into Astrid's hand and stared deep into the girl's eyes.

"You are right on the limit of the effectiveness of these drugs," she said gravely. "A higher dose would risk your life. Boil water and steep the herbs for five minutes. Drink swiftly and pray you survive. But think at least three times why you wish to do this and why destroying a life is so much more important than creating and nurturing one. Think why you are so certain you can't continue this pregnancy." Astrid's hand closed around the pouch.

"Thank you," she said quietly and left, tucking the pouch away and earning some fish and bread by assisting the fishermen bring in the catch. But all the time, the pouch was there, a small weight under her belt that bumped irregularly against her body, as if reminding her of the deed she was contemplating.

Think three times.

She blinked: the water was boiling in the bowl and the fire was crackling loudly in the darkness. Stormfly gave a little trill and nudged against Astrid's middle, her eyes wide with unhappiness. With shaking fingers, the young woman tugged at the coloured strings and fumbled the knots open, pouring the faded green-brown powder into the boiling water and gently agitating the bowl until the leaves mixed in thoroughly. And then she waited. The Nadder crooned again.

"But what else can I do?" she sighed as the Nadder pressed closer to her. "No one will welcome me as I am...and with a child...?" She sighed again. "We barely have enough now when I am fit and able to work for our keep or hunt. No one around here knows or welcomes dragons so I can't fly you in. And winter is coming. We will starve. Or freeze. Or be captured by the Hunters. And the only other option is to return home and watch Hiccup with her, every day. To pretend I don't love him and he isn't the father of the child growing within me. I-I...can't..."

She pressed her hands to her face and continued talking, trying to remind herself why she had decided on this course of action.

"I mean-I will get more dependent and vulnerable as things go on. What if I get a complication, I bleed or fit or labour alone? And how can I support a child? I have no clue how I would be as a mother. I mean...I never liked babies or other family's children! I have no interest in learning domestic chores, because they eat into my axe practice. I can't cook-Thor, this child, when born, would already be better at cooking than I am! And what would we do? Wander the Archipelago alone, no place to stay or home? We would be outsiders, strangers...and vulnerable to slavers or any warlord who wanted to use the child as leverage. Alone with no child, I could find a Tribe to take me as a Shield Maiden. I could do what I trained for and maybe, one day, I could forget Hiccup. One day, my legend would reach him and he would recall what he lost and..." She closed her eyes. "One day he would regret what happened. Odin, that's a horrible thing to wish for. I want him to be happy because both of us shouldn't be miserable. He's amazing-kind and smart and brave. I know he will make his wife happy and he will be a great father to the children they will have. And I have to wish him well because he will protect our people and make sure my family and my friends are safe."

Slowly, she leaned forward and lifted the warm bowl, gently sloshing the amber liquid back and forth, looking at the liquid with the specks of herbs still floating in the warm liquid.

"So I am sorry, Baby-but I can't do this," she said softly. "This is not who I can be-and alone, I know we can't survive. I cannot look after you and I know that all we will face is hardship and sorrow." Breathing hard, she lifted the bowl towards her lips, smelling the herbal scent, feeling the warmth through her hands and the damp curl of steam on her skin and then seeing her own eyes look back at her from the reflection of the liquid.

What if he or she has my eyes? she suddenly thought. What if I am looking at the eyes I am destroying? Or she or he has his eyes? What if I have to look at Hiccup's eyes and be reminded of him every time I look at the child?

She lifted the bowl closer to her mouth.

Or I get to look at my last piece of the man I love. The eyes that make my heart flutter. The hair I run my fingers through. The freckles I count whenever I get the chance and stroke on his soft skin...

That belongs to another now.

She stared into her own reflection in the hot liquid, seeing the uncertainty. She shook her head and blinked.

I would have loved a daughter, a girl to teach that you can be whatever you want, that you can do whatever you want to do. That you can be a fearless warrior and fighter and dragon rider and defender? That you can be respected and feared and people look up to you.

But I am afraid and no one respects me. No one cares. And back home, they would sneer at me and despise me for being shamed by carrying a child unbetrothed.

No-I do have friends...but going to them would mean he could find me and I would end up going home-or he would find me and stay, betraying her. And seeing him married to another woman would kill me. Maybe one day...when I am old and all hope is finally gone...but today, as a child grows within me, all I can feel is pain and regret and deep longing to be in his arms once more.

Or what if it is a son? What if he had Hiccup's eyes and my face? Or my eyes and his face? Or he was a copy of the man I love? What if he was fierce like me? Or curious and clumsy and forgiving and brave like him? What if he was stubborn...what am I thinking? We're both stubborn so he would be even more so!

And I couldn't raise him alone. He would be alone and derided as an outsider and a nameless bastard and I never want that for my child. I don't want him or her to suffer the abuse that Hiccup endured in his childhood. I don't want him to be the outsider, alone and unhappy. I don't want him being bullied and beaten and ashamed of who he is.

I don't want him to hate me and hate his father...because we would have loved him, if life had been fair.

But life isn't fair and I have nowhere and no one now. I can't bring you into this. I can't do this.

Her hand were shaking now, the surface agitated and erasing the accusing eyes staring at her. She lifted the bowl to her lips, the warm liquid tipping towards her mouth.

I am sorry, baby. I am so sorry. I-I just can't see any other way out. I am a warrior, not a mother. I'm just not good enough, not brave enough or smart enough to look after you. I..I...

The liquid brushed her lips. She closed her eyes.

How can I meet Hiccup again in Valhalla and tell him I murdered our child?

Her fingers extended and the bowl fell away, tilting and spinning, the precious medicine splattering on the cold ground before her. Sobs were shaking through her as she wrapped her arms around her middle.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whispered. "What...what was I doing? I can't do it. You are my child, our child, made from our love. And...and we may starve or be enslaved but I will never let any harm befall you, little one. No matter what life throws at us, I will give my life for you, to make sure you are protected and loved. But you will be born and you will survive. And Stormfly and I will look after you and make sure you are safe." She raised her tear-streaked face and looked into the Nadder's eyes. "You're with me, aren't you, girl? I know I can rely on you..."

The Deadly Nadder gave a little chirrup and curled around the girl as she leaned hard against dragon, her wings wrapping around her rider. The slow beat of the reptile's heart comforted her and reminded her of the other heart, beating unnoticed in her belly. All the desperation and panic and fear melted away as she finally accepted her fate. Fate may have other plans but Astrid had finally accepted that she was to be a mother.

"At least I have you, Stormfly," she whispered. "And you, little one. Somehow, we'll make it. You are all I have left of Hiccup and I will cherish you because I have lost him." And she smiled through the tears, certainty now wrapping her like a reassuring blanket and the horrible doubts and fears fading like the morning mist. She knew now she would cope because she had faced the abyss, worked through the impossible choice and realised the only option that she could live with.

Think three times.

She smiled and pressed her hand reassuringly over the slightest swelling that marked her developing child as Stormfly warbled happily. She could sense the change in her Rider and the dark gloom had now... Astrid peered down at her hand, splayed over their child.

"It's okay, baby. Everything will be alright."

oOo

A/N: I am aware this is a really contentious issue and this chapter makes no comment on the rights or wrongs of this issue. The means to prevent or end pregnancy have been known in many societies over time-though not publicly spoken of, especially to men. This was a time of high maternal and infant mortality so pregnancy wasn't always something to be welcomed, especially alone with no family or Tribe around you. It is natural for any mother in Astrid's precarious situation to feel very anxious and conflicted and even desperate. Astrid is a warrior. She would be able to make difficult decisions and would be willing to end a life and kill an enemy (and certainly would have, if the number of battles they have been in are anything to go by)...so I would imagine that she would possess the will to follow this through if she chose. But in the end, the decision I made for her was what I felt Astrid would do, despite every doubt, anxiety and fear she felt.