James' journal - August312022b.mp3

"Elephant", Freya Ridings

I remember Elise telling me once that she chose one song for every entry of her journal and that she liked to write it as a novel. And they say I'm the drama queen...

Anyway, I think the song is a pretty good idea and I'm particularly fond of stealing good ideas. So let's do that from now on.

Rewind to four years ago: as you know, Amaury was alive. That was kind of good news. But actually, on that day, he seemed dead inside. Aidan was crying, but Am stayed catatonic. There was no expression on his face, and he did not move or say a word.

I'm not ashamed to say I was ugly crying. I took Elise's hand and then put my head on her chest, and Aidan's head and mine touched above her body. We were complete and total wrecks. And we stayed like that for who knows how long.

But then Aidan said that she needed to be home, that we had to bring her body back and tell Ethan and tell Anna. It was his way to cope at that moment, to take care of things.

Amaury then woke up as from a dream when he heard Ethan's name. "I have to tell him," he said. He had this insane look in his eyes as if he were invested with a holy mission that would kill him.

Indeed, when we finally faced Ethan to tell him, fuck, it was awful. The look on Amaury's face when he told him what happened: it was unbearable.

And Ethan snapped. He pinned Amaury on the wall. The guy was never violent but at this moment he just didn't know how to express how he felt. He screamed "It's your fault", again and again. I'm sure he was not really angry at Amaury. He was just desperate. But Am, he could not take it.

It's hard to be reminded of this time, because of Ethan. I don't know how we're going to tell her that he's gone.

Well, at the time, he was still alive and we were mourning her. This world is really a fucked up place.

You know, she had left letters for each and every one of us, because, hey, unlike us, she knew that this could happen. She had planned everything, left us the documents we needed for The Pearl, and so on and so forth.

My letter, it took me some time to read it, cause I thought it was the last words she could say to me and I wanted to keep that. For it not to be over, you know. But a few days later I fell upon the jacket she liked and she wanted to borrow from me and I just couldn't wait anymore. I wanted to read it. I still have it here. It went like that:

James honey,

You are a piece of work, you know that? You are smart, you are kind, you are creative. You deserve the best. I know you do not think so, but it is the truth. Stop the self-loathing bullshit, honey, please.

I hope you will continue to sing at The Pearl now that I will not be able to do it any longer. Maybe you could keep on the Saturday Night Challenge tradition: you have my blessing for that.

Please take care of Amaury and Aidan. They will need you. And most of all, I'm begging you, take care of yourself: ask when you need help. Do not think you are a burden. You are a gift, but you cannot be if you lose yourself in the darkness. You are not alone. People love you and you deserve this love. Accept it.

I am so glad I met you.

With all my love, Elise.

Of course, I read that, and I stumbled into my apartment. I remember I pushed my hair out of my eyes, and my hand stayed on my head as in a still shot. And the wave of tears rose and rose and flooded my face. Good times, right?

We kept her body in a coffin in her mansion - not creepy at all - because Aidan made us promise to not say a word about her death to anyone. As a matter of fact, he never used the words "death" or "dead". He was in complete denial. He would not admit it but he was just waiting for her to come back. But time passed, and she did not come back.