"Love, do you still have a plan on going back to the Philippines?"

I quickly turned my head to looked at Harold. I saw him looking at me too. His weighing eyes were piercing at me with curiosity. I sipped on my juice first before answering his question.

"Of course," tipid na sagot ko sa naging tanong niya.

Tumihaya ng upo si Harold sa sun lounger.

"What about him? Do you have any plan?" I looked at Harold again.

Plan? I don't know...

"What plan are you talking about?" Acting like I don't know, I asked.

It's just that, I don't want to think about it first. Tutal naman ay wala pa iyon. Ayaw ko muna ang isipin ang tungkol diyan. Kaya mas mabuti na lang na magtanong ako kay Harold na parang wala rin akong alam.

I stood up and get my see through. Isinampay ko iyon sa balikat ko bago muling humarap kay Harold na nakatingin lang sa akin.

"I'll just go to Gael," ani ko.

Humakbang na ako para lumakad nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Alam mo, Haier, na hindi habang-buhay mong maitatago 'yan sa kanya." Tumigil ako.

I know that. Alam na alam ko na hindi ko maitatago 'yon ng habang-buhay. But I'm scared. The fear of letting him know consumed my being. Isa pa...

"He's married, Harold," I uttered unconsciously.

Tumayo rin si Harold at lumapit sa akin. He made me looked at him. Ang seryoso niyang mukha ay alam ko na kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin ko.

"And what if he isn't, Haier? What will you do?" magkasunod na tanong niya.

Paano nga ba? But it's too impossible. Very impossible.

Wait up...

"Bakit parang mas gusto mo pa ang umuwi ako ng Pilipinas para kitain siya kaysa sa narito kami at kasama mo, Harold?"

Hindi siya umimik sa naging tanong ko.

"I thought you want me. So why are you pushing me to go back there?" batong tanong ko.

Nakita ko kung paano magtagis ang bagang niya sa harap ko. Maybe I just hit the bullseye. Pero totoo naman. He wanted me here the reason why he brought me before so why is he pushing me away?

Siya ang rason kung bakit narito ako—kami. It was his will that brought us here. Dahil kung hindi marahil sa kanya noon ay wala ako rito. Harold was the reason why I have Gael. Kaya paanong gusto niya ang umuwi kami kung sa una pa lang ay dinala niya kami rito dahil mahal niya raw ako.

When the main reason why we are here is us...

"I'd rather bring you back, Haier, than making you stay here with me in worries that you wouldn't see Kier again."

Naglikot ang mga mata ko nang muli kong marinig ang pangalan niyang iyon. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng paninikip ng aking dibdib nang muli kong marinig ang pangalan niyang iyon sa loob ng limang taon.

Many things had changed. Sa loob ng maraming taon na iyon ay marami rin ang maaaring nagbago. Even before... Even before I was just nothing compared to her. Kaya paano na lang ngayon? I wouldn't even dare to compare myself on her again.

Especially when it comes to Kier...

I turned my body against Harold. I don't want him to see me weak everytime he mentioned his name. Because the guilt... It was eating me. The guilt that I couldn't love Harold again after all these years, it was consuming.

"Hindi lang ako ang masasaktan kapag umuwi kami na may pamilya na siya, Harold," I said before walking away.

My lips quivered because of my own words. Maging hanggang ngayon ay masakit pa rin sa akin. But right now is different... Dahil ngayon ay hindi na lang ang sarili ko ang puwedi kong isipin. I have Gael. I need to think about what my son will feel if he find it out.

"Mommy?" I heard Gael calling me.

Agad kong pinatay ang gasol at lumabas mula sa kusina para salubungin ang anak ko. I was smiling because my son's already here.

"Baby!" I yelled excitedly.

"Mommy..."

Bigla akong napatigil nang makita ko ang anak ko na umiiyak. He was wiping his tears off his face that was streaming down across his face.

I quickly ran towards my son and hugged him.

"Why are you crying, anak? Hmm? What happened, baby?" masuyong tanong ko sa anak ko.

Suminghot-singhot siya.

"Mommy..."

I stroked his back softly to stop my son from crying.

"What is it, baby? Hmm? Tell it to mommy now, come on," mahinang ani ko.

"Mommy..." iyak ng anak ko.

"Gael, anak—"

"They said that Papa Harold is not my Papa, Mommy..."

I suddenly stopped. Bigla akong napatigil nang marinig ko kung ano ang sinabi ng anak ko.

It was the question that I was afraid he would ask. Iyon ang noon pa man simula nang magkaisip siya, ay takot na takot na akong itanong niya. Dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa anak ko. I don't want to lie to my son. But I don't also want to hurt him saying that his father is already married.

Halo lahat na ay ginawa ko para lang hindi niya iyon itanong sa akin. But maybe fate made its own way for Gael to said it. Itago ko man iyon sa kanya ay darating din ang araw na magtatanong siya. Kagaya na lamang ng ngayon.

I didn't intended to keep it as a secret. Na hindi si Harold ang ama niya. Ngunit ayaw ko rin ang isipin niya na wala siyang ama. Because if that fact hurt Gael, it will also hurt me.

Kung noon ay hindi ako takot sa kung ano man ang sasabihin sa akin ng mga tao. Kung ano ang ihuhusga nila sa akin dahil sa uri ng propesiyon na mayroon ako, ngayon hindi na. Dahil alam ko, na kung ano man ang gawin ko ay magiging repliksiyon sa tingin nila sa anak ko.

I already did a mistake before. And I don't want to repeat the mistake that I did.

"Who said that, baby? Hmm?" I asked instead.

Umalis siya sa pagkakayakap ko at tumayo ng tuwid sa harap ko.

"My classmates, Mommy. They said that I don't look like my Papa Harold because Papa is lighter than I look..."

Goodness...

I held Gale's shoulder. My son stared at me directly.

"Listen, baby... Don't mind them, okay? Papa Harold is your Papa. So stop crying na, ha?" pag-alo ko sa anak ko.

This is better. Keeping it from Gael is better. Umuwi man kami ng Pilipinas ay hindi ko hahayaan na magkita sila ni Kier. Dahil kapag nangyari 'yon... I don't think I can handle it seeing my son looking at his father carrying another child. Hindi ko iyon gusto.

No matter what happen, I will keep Gael from him. Habang bata pa ang anak ko, ay sisiguraduhin kong mailalayo ko siya kay Kier.

"Papa Harold is your Papa—"

"You want to meet your daddy, kiddo?"

Kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig ko.

Agad akong lumingon sa likod ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Harold na itinanong iyon sa bata. I instantly give him a questioning look. Asking why he suddenly asked my son like that.

Ano ba ang iniisip niya?!

Tumayo ako at pumihit paharap kay Harold. I held Gael's hand before facing his Papa Harold.

"Harold," I warned him.

Harold just shook his head. Disagreeing on me. Lumakad siya papalapit sa amin ni Gael at umupo upang pantayan ang tangkad ng anak ko.

"Papa..." it was my son.

"You want to see your daddy? Yes or no, kiddo,"

What do you think you are doing Harold?!

Napapikit ako. I was waiting my son to answer Harold's question. Kinakabahan ako sa kung ano ang magiging sagot ng anak ko.

"Yes, Papa," I balled my fist.

"Then let's meet your daddy. Got that?"

"Yes! Thank you, Papa. I love you po!"

Harold escorted my son to his room.  Palakad-lakad ako ngayon sa sala at patuloy na iniisip ang sinabi ni Harold sa anak ko kani-kanina lang. Nakarinig ako ng mga yabag galing sa taas. Agad akong pumihit paharap sa hagdan. I saw Harold walking down the stairs while folding the sleeve of his black polo.

"Harold."

His eyes darted at me. I was bitting my lip to calm myself.

"Why did you said that? Ha?! Ano na lang ang iisipin ni Gael kapag makita niya ang ama niya na may pamilya na?!"

Tumingala siya. Naglakad lamang si Harold papalapit sa akin bago tumigil sa harap ko. Hindi siya nagsalita.

"Harold, ano ba?! Tinatanong kita!"

Muli niya akong tinignan. I almost stop when I saw the glow on his eyes. It was... No. Maybe it isn't... It wasn't...

Regret and... Pity.

"Haier..." I stared back at him. "Huwag mong hayaang maramdaman niya ang minsang naramdaman ko nang malaman ko ang ginawa mo sa anak natin," aniyang pumigil sa paghinga ko.

Harold...

"If you still love him, don't make him wonder about what happened to you for the past years..."