WOULD MEETING ROB MCELHENNEY MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

[ season 2 — episode 5 ]

DESPITE THERE BEING EXTRA CHAIRS IN THE ROOM, Daisy and Richard were crammed into one, each taking up half of one as they and the rest of the team watched the video of their latest match, which Richmond lost. The other team scored several times because of easily avoidable mistakes made on more than one occasion.

"Jan Maas," Isaac snapped, "that's shit defending."

"Yes, that goal was entirely my fault," the Dutchman agreed.

"I don't wanna hear it!" Isaac yelled as if he'd tried to defend himself. "We need to get our shit together!"

"Hey, hit pause for me, will you?" Ted asked Beard, who did so. "Hey, fellas."

Nate then brought his whistle to his lips, only to learn that it wasn't working. Ted just nodded to him while getting out of his seat.

"No, I gave you an indoor whistle," he revealed before addressing the team. "Listen, I don't care what our record is, but I hear the chatter, people saying there's something wrong with us. Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism."

Daisy sighed and put her head in her hands while the players all muttered amongst themselves, wondering what the hell that had to do with football.

"Rom-communism, that is," he reiterated.

Bumbercatch was the one to bite the bullet and ask, "What is rom-communism?"

"Well, Bumbercatch, it is a worldview that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or, uh, Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or... Who am I missing, Coach? Daisy?"

"Drew Barrymore?" Richard offered.

"Jennifer Anniston," Daisy added.

"Matthew McConaughey, obviously," Zoreaux said.

"All right, all right. Yeah," Ted agreed.

"The three Kates," Jamie told them, and Colin was right there to back it up with, "Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet."

"You forgot Blanchett," Nate spoke up.

"Different spelling," Beard said while shaking his head.

"I enjoy Renée Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies," Sam said with a delighted smile on his face. "I mean, her accent is pitch-perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated."

"Word!"

"Hell yeah!"

"Absolutely! All right, you've gotta give it up for Zellweger," Ted agreed. "Look, point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we—"

"Jennifer Lopez!" Dani added, his contribution arriving a little late.

"That's a great call, Dani, and not at all a beat too late," Ted encouraged as Daisy giggled. "Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest. That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story."

"But it will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go."

Isaac, who had a big frown on his face, turned in his seat to yell at the team. "Now, you heard him! We need to stop playing like shit!"

Ted nodded gently before tilting his head. "Yeah, not exactly what I said, but I appreciate you, Isaac. Okay, let's watch the second half. Come on, Coach."

As Beard hit play, Nate tried once again to blow on his whistle, making Daisy roll her eyes playfully. He was just proving why swapping his out had been a good idea.

By the time the video was done and all their suggestions were made, Daisy was just about ready for a nap. Who could blame her? She'd been sitting in a dark room for hours. But it was only ten in the morning, so she couldn't give in as she followed her father to his office.

"Hey, anyone know what's going on with Isaac?" Beard asked, noticing how aggressive he'd been during the viewing.

"I got no idea. No," Ted said, shaking his head.

"Stress?" Daisy suggested.

"Maybe it's piles," Nate added, confusing Daisy.

Beard frowned and took his seat as Nate slid on the top of the shelf. "I've accepted 'aubergine' and 'snogging', but 'piles' I will not abide."

Ted wasn't paying attention to them and was instead looking at the schedule of upcoming games. "Wait a second, we play Sheffield Wednesday?"

"Saturday," Daisy corrected, looking at the calendar too.

"Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday?"

"Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday," Beard told him.

"We gotta play 'em twice in the same week?"

Beard took in a deep breath, like he was trying not to hit Ted, before specifying, "The club is called Sheffield Wednesday. We play them on Saturday. They're called Sheffield Wednesday because they used to only play on Wednesdays. But nowadays they play on whatever day they feel like, including, but not limited to, Saturdays, which, again, is the day of the week we will be playing them."

"This Saturday? I can't. I got plans," Ted joked, which just irked Beard even more.

"I'm leaving," he deadpanned.

"Oh, come on," Daisy laughed. "That was funny and you know it."

Then the was a knock at the door, and Dr. Sharon got all their attention.

"Hi, Dr. Sharon," Daisy greeted, smiling at the woman.

"Good afternoon, Daisy," she smiled back. Then she looked at her father. "Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay?"

Ted just shook his head. "No, ma'am, he is not. Nah, he's a wigwam in a tepee right now."

Dr. Sharon stared at him like he was stupid. "What does that mean?"

"He's too tense," Beard summarized, making Daisy and Nate snicker as he and Ted both shouted, "Boom!" together.

"He's wound tighter than my nan's hairnet," Nate joked before his smile fell, realizing they didn't understand. "That only makes sense if you know my nan, but when she wears a hairnet, it looks like puppies are trying to escape from it."

Then Nate looked pointedly at Dr. Sharon like he was worried. "I am not crazy."

"Oh, she'd diagnose Uncle B with crazy long before you. Don't worry," Daisy told him, only partly kidding.

"Do you want me to talk to Isaac?" Dr. Sharon then asked.

"No," Ted denied. "That's okay. We got it. I know exactly what Isaac needs. Thank you, though."

"Okay," she said before heading out.

"What does Isaac need?" Daisy questioned, wanting to know how to help him with whatever this was.

"Oh, I have no idea," her father said, making her sigh in annoyance at his disregard for therapy. "No, usually in this situation, I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened."

"But Isaac's our captain," Nate surmised.

"Exactly. And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside. 'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the — what's it?"

"The dark arts?" Nate asked, making Daisy grin.

"No, no."

"Space-time continuum?" Beard guessed.

"That's it, yeah," Ted agreed. "Fact is, Isaac is a big dog, you know? So he's only going to respond to a big dog himself."

Daisy watched with interest as Nate deeply exhaled like he had something hard to do. "I'll do it."

Ted was the only one to laugh, and Nate instantly deflated.

"Daddy," Daisy hissed, getting him to stop.

"Oh, you're being serious?" he asked before looking between Beard and Daisy. "You didn't laugh. You knew he was being serious?"

"Yeah, man."

"Obviously."

"Shoot. Busted," he muttered bashfully before looking at Nate apologetically. "Um, I'm sorry about that, Nate. But I do appreciate the offer, you know? I think we gotta get him a real big dog."

Nate instantly lost all his confidence, mumbling out, "Yeah, no, goo... Me too," as he slid off the cabinet and went to the adjoining office.

"So, Oopsie Daisy," Ted said, looking to his daughter. "Where might the big dog be on this fine morning?"

Daisy sighed, knowing Roy was going to get annoyed with her. She'd simply make it up to him with a hundred kisses or something along those lines.

"I'm having lunch with him later. Maybe I'll let you ambush us."

✵︎

"Please, oh, please. Please, please, please, please, please—"

"Enough, Daisy!" Higgins said, letting out an exasperated sigh as they stopped in front of Rebecca's office. Then he opened the door, revealing Rebecca sitting barefoot on her couch, smiling at her phone.

"Hello, Rebecca," Higgins said, startling her as she'd been wrapped up in her phone.

Rebecca gasped and nearly threw her phone before greeting them. "Ah! Hello, Higgins. What can I help you with?"

"Payroll," he said, setting down a folder for her to look through. "Um, we have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet."

"Please, Becca, please," Daisy begged, dropping to her knees. "Let me meet them. Mac's the second-best character in Always Sunny. Please. Please—"

"Daisy," Higgins sighed. "I already told you that it was a maybe."

"But I need a for sure," she pleased, flashing puppy dog eyes at Rebecca.

"Uh, um, sure," Rebecca muttered, making Daisy squeal. "Right. Did either of you just see what was on my screen?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no," Higgins assured her. "I have five boys. I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens." There was a sort of haunted expression on her face. "I used to."

Then the song She's a Rainbow began playing from Higgins' phone, which he fished out. "Oh, apologies! That's my wife. Uh, I'll ring her back later. Keeps it fresh. But I'll just text her real quick to let her know that."

"Cute," Daisy cooed, making him roll his eyes playfully.

"So your ringtone for your wife is She's a Rainbow by the Rolling Stones?" Rebecca asked.

"Yeah."

"That's awfully affectionate."

"Yeah, well, it's our song," he explained. "It was playing the moment we met. And, uh, it's not an exaggeration. She really is my rainbow."

"It is so odd to imagine you young."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

"I feel like you've just looked like this since you were five," Daisy mused. "Glasses and suit and all."

"Well, I was the only kid in primary school with sciatica. I had a gelatinous L and five."

Rebecca hummed before glancing at her phone for a moment. "Leslie, do you mind me asking, when you first met your wife, how did you put yourself across? You know, what was your brand?"

"Brand?" he questioned, not making sense of it. "Well, you know, the night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here. And then, uh, She's a Rainbow came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head."

"Oh, no," Daisy laughed.

"Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel. And I've been married to her for years. I suppose... the best brand is just being yourself."

"He's right," Daisy told her. "I didn't go changing for Roy, and I don't have to. We're really happy even though we're so different. So, just be yourself."

✵︎

Roy had an arm around Daisy's shoulder as he glared up at a photo of him that'd been hanging for years in his favorite restraint. He practically sneered at it before speaking to the owner. "I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs."

"It's only fair," Daisy added, backing him up.

He just rolled his eyes and rang them up. "Fourteen-fifty, mate."

"Fair enough," Roy shrugged before forking the money over and turning to find a seat. Only he was met with Ted's over-excited face, which dampened Roy's mood.

"No way! Fancy running into you here, after asking Daisy where you were takin' her to lunch and scootin' my boot right over, that is."

Roy rolled his eyes and moved toward a booth, pulling Daisy along with him. "This one told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me. I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie."

"I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance," Ted told him while chuckling. In response, Roy just growled — literally. So Daisy squeezed his hand underneath the table. Ted then called out to the owner and took a seat. "I'll have what he's having."

"Why are you bothering me at my kebab place? This is like my church," Roy complained.

"Oh? Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita?" Ted joked, making Roy just shake his head before digging into his meal just like Daisy was, who wasn't really part of the conversation. "What do you think about joining the coaching staff?"

Daisy eyed her boyfriend curiously, looking for any kind of tell that he was interested. Of course, she knew he was fucking interested but far too stubborn, so she wasn't shocked when he just said, "Fuck off."

"Mmm, that's a solid negotiation tactic right there."

"I don't wanna coach," Roy insisted. "I like what I'm doing, and I'm good at it. People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything."

Daisy scrunched her face up and leaned away from Roy, earning a look of confusion from him. "It's pronounced GIF."

"No, the fuck it's not."

"Yes, the heck it is!"

"Awe, y'all are even cute when havin' a lover's spat," Ted said teasingly. "Look, if you enjoy doing the whole pundit thing, then you should do it for the rest of your life."

Roy sighed heavily. "Why won't you let me be happy?"

They were interrupted by the owner coming over with Ted's kebab. "Here you go, mate."

"Thank you."

He looked between the two men and then asked, "You two are father and son, right?"

"What?" Roy asked, highly offended. "No."

"Mm-mmm. I'm his former coach."

"Ah, it's all the same thing. You two remind me of me and my old man when I told him I was leaving medical school a week before graduation."

"How come?" Daisy asked, loving a good story. Not wanting to hear it, Roy kicked his foot into hers. Rather than kick him back, she just put her leg on top of his, tangling theirs together.

"Would have made a great doctor too. I was really good at it. Bedside manner, reading charts, cutting up shit. But it's just not what I was meant to do." Roy just looked at the owner blankly, not appreciating him ganging up on him too. "What? I love making a doner kebab. Anyway, how's that kebab, my friend?"

"Well, to quote Drizzy, it's the best I ever had," Ted said brightly.

"Good, right? Cool."

Once he was gone, Ted got back to business. "Look, Roy, all kibbles and bits aside, I'm really just here to ask you for a favor for an old friend. One Mr. Isaac McAdoo."

Roy hummed, already understanding why he was there. "He's all up in his head, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is. And I need him to check out of there by Saturday. You got any ideas?"

"Let me finish my kebab and pray on it," he requested.

Ted decided to let it lie for the time being and got up from the booth. But then he kneeled and made a cross across his chest, making Daisy grin. "Right there," he said while putting some money on the table. "For the collection plate. Later, skater. Bye, baby."

As Ted left, Roy looked down at Daisy, who was still grinning sweetly like she hadn't helped with the ambush. "Well, this place is ruined now. You owe me like a thousand kisses for that."

She happily complied and quickly kissed his lips, making the first dent in the pile of required kisses. "Can I come with to help Isaac?"

"Who said I'm gonna help Isaac?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. It was bullshit, they both knew. "I'm in a shit mood now. Don't feel like being helpful."

"Would meeting Rob McElhenney make you feel better?"

"Oh, fuck yeah, it would. Can't wait to see if his new team is shit or not."

✵︎

It was a daunting and both welcoming sight when Ted sent a text to Roy letting him know that he and Isaac arrived. Roy's phone lit him and Daisy up in the darkness, mere feet away from Ted and Isaac. Though Daisy had an easy smile on her face while holding Roy's free hand, the retired footballer looked menacing and grumpy, which startled the other two like he was a monster in the dark.

"Yeah, Roy?" Isaac greeted, calming himself down.

"McAdoo," he simply said.

"Hey, Zac," Daisy said, leaning her head on Roy's arm.

"What we doing here? What—"

Isaac was cut off by Roy turning and beginning to walk away, Daisy going along with him. Roy didn't say a single word as he led them down the block and to a small practice pitch that had several people around Daisy's age playing together.

"See that block of flats?" Roy finally spoke, pointing across the street.

"What? The shit one?" Isaac asked insensitively.

"That's where I grew up."

Isaac's face fell instantly. "Oh."

"This," Roy said, gesturing to the pitch. "This is where I lived. Where I learned football. Every fucking day. And during my career, when I was going through a bad patch, I'd come back here and play."

After that, he called out to the other players. "Oi! This is Isaac. These are all the other fucks. You're with them."

"You what?" Isaac scoffed. "You expect me to play with them? I'm a professional, mate. I'll fucking kill 'em."

Daisy was busy watching the players and noticed one doing fancy tricks with the ball, kicking it and balancing it with his foot.

"We'll see," Roy said.

"Can you do that?" Daisy asked him, raising an eyebrow.

He just laughed at himself. "Fuck no, not anymore."

"What about me? What do I get to do?" Ted asked energetically.

"Nothing."

"Can he keep score?" Daisy asked, knowing something had to keep her father entertained.

"Fine."

"All right, I'm gonna use my fingers. It's zero-zero!"

"Nil-nil."

"It is nil-nil."

Soon, the game was beginning, and it didn't seem that Isaac's team had much faith in him.

"Hey, Roy!" A girl around Shannon's age called out. "Sure you don't wanna play? You on one leg is better than this fool on two."

Roy looked rather smug as he shrugged. "Well..."

The game started, and Isaac quickly learned that he wasn't at Nelson Road. Daisy cringed and turned away when he got tackled as if it was an American football match, knowing Isaac would have a few bruises in the morning from it.

"Take that, you little bitch," the boy who tackled him said.

"Easy, mate," his friend said teasingly, standing over Isaac. "I think you hurt him. Emotionally."

Isaac scrambled to his feet and stomped over to the fence separating the pitch from the onlookers. "What the fuck, Roy? Did you bring me 'round here to get my leg broke?"

"No," Roy said simply. "I brought you here to remind you that football is a fucking game that you used to play as a fucking kid. 'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your fucking legs broken or your fucking feelings hurt. So, fuck your feelings, fuck your overthinking, fuck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some fucking fun."

Evidently, through all the cursing, Roy's message got through to him, and Isaac nodded in understanding. "All right, game on," he said, bumping fists with Roy through the fence before running back to the game.

Roy glanced at Ted for a moment, who had a proud smile on his face. "Was that all right?"

"That was great," Ted assured him.

"Too many fucks?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative."

"I dated Gina Gershon once," Roy revealed.

"Shut up!" Daisy exclaimed. "She was in Glee!"

Roy groaned. "I hate your taste in television."

"But you love me, right?"

Though he didn't want to be all affectionate in front of Ted, Roy still kissed the top of Daisy's head. "Yeah, kid, I love you."

✵︎

Isaac ended up staying even later than Ted, Roy, and Daisy. The trio were walking the same direction, as Roy was going to stay at Daisy's for the night. All of them were pleased because Isaac had really let loose and had fun out there, something he hadn't been doing at Richmond for a long while now. He was relearning to love the game and could pass that love on to the rest of the team.

"Nice work tonight, Coach," Ted told Roy as they walked.

"Do you really think I'm gonna fall for this shit?" Roy asked, giving him a look. Though Daisy could tell he liked being called that.

"Fall for what?" Ted asked, pretending to be dumb.

"You're trying to get me to come back to the club and coach. It won't work."

"Roy, I got zero interest — Excuse me, nil interest in making you do something that ain't in your heart."

Roy peered at him, not trusting him. "So, you're really not playing games?"

"Maybe a little," he admitted sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Roy, but I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP."

"Please stop," Roy begged.

"You complete our team."

"You're an asshole."

"I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, asking him if—"

"Listen," he cut him off. "I'm never coming back to Richmond. Not now, not ever. Now fuck off. I'll get Daisy home safe."

"Thank ya for that," Ted called as Roy pulled Daisy away by her hand.

Once they were far enough away from her father, Daisy spoke up. "Are you gone even think about it?"

"No," he said stubbornly.

"Okay," she nodded, knowing she didn't need to push. It was the pundit gig all over again — he'd decide in time.

Roy peered at her curiously. "You're really not gonna press it? Give me your opinion? Tell me what's best?"

"Do you want me to?"

He paused for a moment before softly saying, "Wouldn't hurt."

She nodded and kept her eyes on the ground. "Well, I'd sure like seeing you at the compound every day, but you know that. And I know the team misses your leadership and dazzling personality—"

Roy scoffed and shoved her to the side, though she didn't fall since he was still holding her hand.

"Seriously though, they look up to you," she went on. "And think about how much you loved coaching Phoebe — but this time there's real stakes and not consolation trophies. We've been tying and losing. Maybe you're the thing they need to get better."

"They've got Nate and his brain."

"Yeah, but Nate isn't motivational and you know it. I think the two of you would make a really strong pair on the pitch," she explained. "I think it's a great idea, but if you really don't want to, I'll never say another word on it. Pinky swear."

"Phoebe has ensured that I take pinky swears very seriously, so you'd better mean it."

✵

Everyone could tell that something had gotten into Isaac from the moment he stepped onto the pitch on Saturday. He was all smiles, playing games while warming up and giving everyone an individual handshake. He even came over to everyone in the box, hitting his hands back and forth with Ted and giving Beard a handshake. He tried to do the same with Nate, but he moved back for some reason.

For Daisy, they did a high five that arced down into an upside-down one before they did a pinky promise. Isaac kissed the side of her head before running back to the pitch to finish up stretching.

All was going well until right before the match began. The cheering suddenly cut off and then the chanting began. It took Daisy's ears a moment to realize what everyone in the stadium was saying.

"He's here! He's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here! Here's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent!"

Daisy looked to the left and spotted Roy walking toward the box in a sleek, all-black suit. She grinned so hard that it hurt and started to wave at her father to get him to notice as well.

"Daddy, he's here!" she said excitedly.

As Roy reached them, Ted nodded to Roy proudly. "Hello, Coach. Really glad you decided to—"

"Shut up," he cut him off with a barely-there smile on his face. "Just shut up. You had me at 'Coach'."

Roy then moved down the line, nodding to Beard and Nate before stopping by Daisy's side. Much to her delight, he grabbed a hold of her and dipped her into a low kiss, making all those in the stands cheer loudly. Her face was on fire by the time she was standing upright.

"What changed your mind?"

Roy smirked down at her. "Figured they could use some more of my dazzling personality."

✵︎

[ this chapter was kinda short, but things are gonna heat up now that roy and jamie are both at richmond. and if you've read some of my other books, you know things have been too good for too long ]