"Kayla!"

The second time I turned around. My good friend, Chloe Parker, faced me with a huge smile, her perfect teeth bright against her dark skin. Her braids were squeezed into two plaits, reaching just below her shoulders. I readjusted my school bag.

Then her smile disappeared and she engulfed me in a tight hug without a second glance, causing the books in my bag to dig into my back.

"Kayla, I've missed you! I heard about Camryn..."

She let go a minute later and we started walking.

"How was Mauritius?" We headed towards the locker room. It was the first day of our last year of high school and I couldn't deny that the excitement I had felt two weeks ago was completely replaced by dread.

"It was incredible!" she gushed. "And we swam with dolphins!"

"Sounds amazing," I said as we ascended the stairs and approached our lockers near the far end of the corridor.

"It was." I gathered my books and tried to tidy up the inside of the locker before slamming it shut and walking with Chloe to register class. I said nothing as we sat in our usual seats and waited for our register teacher.

"Are you okay?" Chloe asked quietly. "Actually, no, of course you're not, sorry."

I smiled and replied, "I'm fine. It's been a tough week." She nodded. Our teacher entered the room and started handing out our timetables for the year.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be at the funeral," Chloe whispered, tucking a braid behind her ear. I glanced at her and nodded. Chloe tended to talk a lot and sometimes it irritated me but right now I needed it. I was reluctant to go to class and leave her company since we didn't have any classes together this year. I knew we needed to catch up with each other, so we spoke about our holidays and Chloe told me about Mauritius before it was time to go to class.

"Good luck with this year," our teacher tried before dismissing us.

"Well that's encouraging," grumbled Chloe as we went our separate ways.

"What do you think, Kayla?" I glanced up to see Jordan pointing his piece of pizza at me expectantly. To be truthful, I hadn't been listening to the conversation at all.

"Uh, I don't know?" I said, biting my apple. Jordan stopped chewing mid-mouthful.

"What? But you always have something to say!"

"Um, what are we talking about?" I shifted my gaze from Jordan to Chloe to Matthew and back to Jordan.

Jordan looked at me and took another bite. "You've got to be kidding me," he said and I shrugged. He sighed loudly.

"We were just discussing whether we should move our 'spot' this year. We were thinking nearer the cafeteria," said Chloe, sipping her water.

"Because of the food," added Jordan, grinning.

"Are you serious?" I said. "Moving is change and, personally, I don't think you'd be able to handle that," I pointed my gaze towards Jordan.

"There she is," said Jordan, stretching out his arms dramatically. "Always being honest, even if it hurts." He held his chest with his hands, feigning heartbreak.

I smiled, even though his statement caused a sudden thought to crawl into my mind. What if I was too honest? What if I'd hurt someone and never noticed? I shrugged off the thought and focused on the conversation, finishing my apple before break ended.

"Kayla, call or text me if you need to, okay?" Chloe said as she and I walked across the school field towards the front gate. I nodded, kicking up an acorn with my school shoe. I watched as it travelled across the grass and hit an oak tree. "Don't feel like you have to do this alone."

"I know." We passed the school hall where we could hear the choir singing in a low melody. I sighed. "Thanks, Chloe. But sometimes I just need some time on my own." Something in the soft voices echoing through the empty hall behind us sounded almost haunting. It brought back the same feeling of happy sadness from before, only this time it sent shivers up my spine in a weirdly comforting way.

I could feel Chloe's gaze on me as we walked on and slowly the sensation drifted off. I glanced back at her, catching her eye. She smiled sympathetically. I turned away.

"My mom's probably outside the gate. I'll see you tomorrow," I stated, attempting a smile that turned out as more of a grimace. Chloe stopped and said goodbye before approaching her mom's parked car. I sighed and momentarily the choir's tune channelled through my ears, then it was gone. My mom's car was in the opposite road.

"How was the first day of school?" She started the engine and pulled out into the traffic. I leant back and looked out at the blue sky, rolling up my sleeves in the warm air.

I turned to my mom. Her hair and makeup was normal, but I could see the exhaustion in her face with just one glimpse. She concentrated ahead. I switched on the radio then faced the window the rest of the way home.

The sun was setting when I finally looked up from my homework. I lay on my bed, surrounded by books and stray pens, hoping the rest of the year wouldn't provide this much work in one day. The only benefit it gave was a distraction from the continuous loss clawing at my chest. A week of school had kept me pretty busy but now that Friday had arrived, emptiness was bound to catch up with me. I dropped my feet to the floor and stretched.

As I stood up and headed towards the kitchen, I passed Camryn's untouched door. Maybe it was my imagination, but a coolness seemed to radiate from inside. I shook my head - of course I was imagining it. I continued to the dining room. My dad was setting the table. He glanced up and smiled, coming towards me for a hug.

"Hi, dad."

"Hey."

The clock read 19:45 when we sat down to eat. There was no wine.

My mom sighed loudly. I picked up a plate and dished for her. The evening was mostly silent. To think that two weeks had passed since Camryn left us was scary and slightly daunting that we had survived without any shouting or outbursts. Instead, everyone remained reserved, avoiding eye contact. Half way through, my mom put down her fork and cleared her throat. Both my dad and I looked up expectantly, surprised. My mom looked down for a moment then faced us.

"I can't act okay anymore." My dad and I looked at each other. My mom swallowed. "My daughter became one of those youth downtown." She burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. "My Camryn."

I sat awkwardly while my dad comforted her. I focused my eyes on the table and tried not to let the tears come. My dad gestured for me to clear the plates and leave. I did. I couldn't hear her sobs from my room, but I put in my earphones anyway. I tried to push back the rushing emotion inside of me and crawled into bed, tossing my books onto the floor. I dreaded the morning.

I awoke to the sound of rain on my window pane. A dim glow from the moon threaded through my curtain, landing at the foot of my bed where I'd left my duvet in the summer heat. My thoughts returned to Camryn. I remembered her door - closed for two weeks. The rain tapered off and I lay awake for what felt like a lifetime. I knew that if you tried to stay awake, you'd eventually fall asleep, but I wasn't trying to stay awake and I wasn't falling asleep either.

The rain had begun again when I crawled out of bed and tiptoed through the dark passage. My pulse quickened as I neared Camryn's bedroom. Soon my heart felt like it would explode when I readied myself to turn the knob. Would it be wrong to open a dead person's door? I took a deep breath and braced myself while I slowly edged it open.

The room was musty and cool. I closed the door gently behind me. Instead of the closure I thought this would bring, it just made everything worse. As soon as I sat down on the bed, it seemed everything and more just dropped on me. The rush of emotions pushed again, and this time I didn't force it down.

All the hurt of two weeks - the sadness, the nostalgia, the anger; everything combined into one released through tears. I shook; crumbling, breaking, falling into pieces suspended within a painful darkness. A darkness that was slowly crawling over my thoughts and killing anything good in its path. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the tears or the pain or the darkness or the waterfall of realisation that she could never come back, not ever, not ever, not ever, because she's gone, she's gone, she's gone.

She's gone.

It was too much. I choked on my tears, gasping for breath but not caring. I needed to let it out, to get rid of it, get rid of everything that was making the process so difficult. I found a pillow in the darkness. I hit it. I punched the pillow. Again and again and again. In-between gasps and cries, I punched the pillow. But it wasn't enough. Not at all.

"Why did this happen?" I whispered. Then again, louder. "Why did you do this? Why did you have to go and kill yourself?! What did I do wrong, huh?!" I coughed on my words. "Did you only think of yourself? I hate what you did! I hate what you did! I hate what you did! I hate you!"

I hated her so much. So much it hurt.

I thrashed in anger, pounding the walls with my fists. But I couldn't see. I couldn't see and that was my mistake. Somewhere between the shouting and the shaking and the pounding and the screaming and the tears and the darkness and the waterfall - I underestimated. I underestimated the distance from my head to the wall. The back of my head came into contact with brick at full force, the thrust of my pain and anger the cause of the blow. I faltered, gasping as a loud ringing pierced through my ears. I screamed at the pain but no sound came out of my mouth. Head throbbing, I collapsed onto the bed, choking on new tears. Choking on new pain. Everything stifled me. I could barely breathe.

I could barely breathe.