The words echoed through my mind, repeating themselves over and over. Permanently blind. Permanently blind. Permanently blind. But this time I didn't cry. I took a deep breath. Breathing in and breathing out. Just simply. Nurses rushed around me and doctors spoke loudly but I sat quietly and ignored it.

They prepared me to go home and I ignored it.

When the time came to leave, my dad helped me stand up and walk to the door. I held his arm tightly but ignored his words. When my mother greeted me at the elevator, I smiled weakly. I accepted her hug but ignored the jacket she offered me.

Permanently blind. Permanently blind rang clear in my head as we drove home. I could feel the heat of the sun to my right but my parents were just fragments of sound. I ignored their small talk. The car came to a halt. My parents got out of the car. I opened the door and met the salty air. I sat and breathed it in, then stood up slowly.

"The doctor said my head might hurt once in a while."

"Did she?" My mom was in the kitchen cooking supper. I leaned back onto the couch.

"Yes." I rested my eyes, shutting them and listening to the wind outside. I lay quietly. I heard the trees rustling and the distant roar of the sea. I heard a cricket outside. I heard my mom's cooking and my dad talking on the phone in his office. I heard myself sigh and my mom too.

"You know, this sucks," I said loudly. "All of it. It's actually so pathetic."

"I know."

"No, really. It's hilarious."

"Kayla, please-"

"No, mom. Just think about it. Here we are, at home, feeling sorry for ourselves because someone we knew is dead and a part of my existence is gone. It's just too funny, isn't it?" I laughed. My mom stayed silent.

"I suppose it is," I heard my dad say. He came into the kitchen and chuckled. I opened my eyes, almost forgetting. "Maybe it'll come back." I sensed my dad coming closer.

"That's impossible."

"Maybe." He paused. "Do you remember when you were little and you used to laugh when I laughed?"

I shook my head.

"You also used to cry when I cried. And sing when I sang, and smile when I smiled." He sounded reminiscent. "And only now I realise why."

"Why?"

"Because Camryn did it too. You copied her and everything she did. Even though you were the older one. And she would copy me, and - now I realise that it's a cycle."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying all of that has changed. You and Camryn went such different ways and I'm glad. Because if it hadn't all changed-"

"I would be gone too." I took a deep breath. "Don't say stuff like that."

He said nothing, instead stood up and left. I knew I'd said the wrong thing but, right now, I didn't care all that much. All I needed was silence. No emotional talk. No deep stuff that gets me thinking. And I know that sounds selfish because he probably needed to say it. But I didn't need to hear it - I didn't want to hear it.

"I guess we're no longer friends." Matthew stood in front of me. I felt my hands shaking. "I don't want to be friends with a blind person. I mean, it's just too hard."

"Hard? What about me? What about what I need? Matthew, you can't do this."

"Yes, I can. It's not like we signed on our friendship or anything." I gasped and stared at him.

"It's called common courtesy. You don't just up and leave when you like!"

"Then how come my dad did that?" Matthew revealed no emotion in his voice. I felt the anger rise up. I needed to hit something - anything.

"You always have to bring that up don't you? As if I haven't heard it enough already!"

The room we were standing in grew suddenly hot. I felt myself fuming but I also felt myself growing weak with shock. This was really happening. For real.

"I'm sorry, Kayla."

"No, you're not!" The tears started. I rushed at him with all my energy, hitting him, scratching at him, letting out all of my rage. Letting him know how much I hated him. But he just stood there as if he was made of stone. Nothing made sense, nothing at all. How could this be happening? This wasn't happening. But it was.

Thoughts ran through my head like wildfire. "I trusted you, Matthew. I thought you were the one person who would understand."

"I guess you thought wrong." And he was gone.

I awoke sweating and fists clenched. I sat up quickly. Just a dream. But a dream that felt so real it could've been. I slowly sat up, stretching my aching hands. I still felt the rage inside of me and the shock and adrenaline that rushed through my veins. I blinked away tears. What has gotten into me? I'm not like this.

I sat. The silence of the house surrounded me. I glanced around me but recognised no light. A cool breeze from outside cooled my warm room. My ears caught the chirp of a bird and the slight rustle of leaves. But nothing else and no one else stirred. Not for me. I sat and took it in. The silence, the darkness, the emptiness, the loneliness. I took it in without question.

I thought I would drift off again but I didn't - I couldn't. Something was holding me back. I forced myself to feel nothing but somehow it made it even more unbearable. I realised I could never truly feel no emotion; it was impossible and I would have to survive with these feelings taking over my sub conscience and crawling into the deepest crevices of my head - leaving a trail of shadows as they go. I had succumbed to the claws of self-pity and grief.

I was sitting on my patio the next day, resting my head in my hands. My auburn hair was loose, falling around my shoulders, and I wore a hoodie that was at least two sizes too big. My mother had friends over and I had needed to escape to the peaceful outside. I sat listening to the birds in the trees and the roaring of the ocean in the distance.

I suddenly felt an arm around my shoulder. I turned my head to face my friend. "Matthew?"

"How did you know?" I heard the smile in his voice.

"Your scent. I need my sense of smell more than ever now."

I pulled on my sleeves and shifted uncomfortably. After my dream, I wondered if he really would still want to be friends with me. After all, I was useless. I could barely walk around my own house anymore.

"Why are you here?" I asked, facing the trees in front of us.

"Do I really have to answer that?"

"Do you?"

Silence.

"Kayla, I want to be here. I don't think it's good for you to be alone."

I covered my face in my hands. I felt tears threatening but forced a stone hard expression onto my face. "Matthew, I'm blind. I can't see and there's nothing I can do about it. So go ahead, leave me alone."

He removed his arm from around me. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you understand what blind means?" I clenched my jaw and rubbed my hands on my arms. I felt the cold through my jersey.

"No, I know what it means. But why on earth would I leave you alone? I have no clue how difficult being blind is. Why would I leave when you obviously can't do this by yourself?"

"Are you saying I'm weak?"

"No, I-"

I stood then and turned towards the door. "I don't have the energy for this." I didn't want to repeat the emotions I had felt in my dream, so I left him sitting outside. I locked myself in my room and put my earphones in. I let the music do its job.

Something in me knew I had to speak to Matthew, but maybe I was mistaken. Our conversation was too familiar. It scared me. I lay down on my bed and got rid of the pending tears that were giving me a headache.

I imagined Camryn next to me. I imagined us smiling and teasing each other. I imagined crying from laughter and not from sadness. I imagined our dad scolding us for being so noisy and him ending up laughing with us anyway. I imagined my old life that wasn't perfect but it was better than this. I imagined being happy. I imagined a life with Camryn.

A vibration next to me distracted me from my thoughts. I felt for my phone and pulled out my earphones. After several attempts, I managed to answer the call, fumbling to tap the rectangle of light of what I assumed was the answer button. "Hello?"

"Kayla! I've been texting you the whole day. Why didn't you answer?" Chloe replied.

I spent the next thirty minutes talking to Chloe. I told her how I couldn't see and how I was scared of losing my friends. She reassured me that everyone was there for me and that I wasn't alone. She told me she'd come over to see me soon so we could talk in person. I hung up feeling better than before, knowing that my fear wasn't going to come true.

My mom stood in my bedroom doorway. I guessed she thought I hadn't realised, but I had. I could hear her breathing. She stood there for ages, probably thinking she was watching me sleep. But I wasn't sleeping - I couldn't. As soon as I closed my eyes, images appeared before me. Not clear images but messy, blurred pictures that made no sense and ran up and down my vision. They flashed different colours. Each colour represented a memory. I didn't know how I knew; I just knew. With each image, it pulsed through my head, as if triggering a memory I thought I'd forgotten.

So I lay with my eyes open. Eventually I turned to my mom and asked her why she was standing there. She didn't answer.

"Mom?"

"Kayla." It was my dad.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I couldn't."

"So you thought staring at me through a doorway would help?"

He didn't reply. I pulled my blanket closer to me and peered over the edge.

"Well, I guess when I look at you-" he came closer, "-I see Camryn."

"We look completely different."

"It's not always about the looks, Kayla."

"We were completely different."

He sat down on the bed. "She always used to smile even when everyone knew she was sad. That's something I wish you'd do."

"So you're telling me I can't be sad? That I can't grieve over her? That I can't miss her? Or wish she was here? You're saying I can't have the privilege of acknowledging that her wonderful existence is no more? Forever?"

He said nothing.

"Look, I know you want me to be more positive, or at least try to be more positive, and I understand that. But I can't do that. I can't, at least not yet. I'm sorry. That's just how it is. I need time." I pushed away the tears and turned away from him, hugging my pillow. I didn't want to cry in front of my dad. Not now, not ever.

He slowly stood up and left, closing my door behind him. I closed my eyes and colours rushed before them. With a tight throat and my eyes squeezed shut, I fell asleep.