Our plane touched down in Memphis in the late afternoon. Raina had slept most of the time during the ride. I carried her off the plane and struggled to tug her along with our two suitcases. I realized, though, that I had brought this on myself. I had insisted on bringing her here. Even if Lin had been supportive of the decision, he couldn't have come with me. With four children, one of us had to be at home.

Raina was tearful and whiny as I hailed a cab to our hotel. A bellboy thankfully helped me with our cases. I tipped him and then set Raina down on one of the big beds. Two big beds and only two of us. The hotel room felt lonely and I suddenly felt like crying.

As Raina slept, I unpacked our things, putting clothes in the drawers and setting out our toiletries. We'd be here for a while after all. I texted Lin that we'd arrived and he said all was well at home. I wondered how true that was. I knew Molly was upset that I was leaving. Felix and Cam would be fine with Lin, but Molly was mine. She loved Lin, but he wasn't her real dad.

With nothing else to do, I turned on the TV to pass the time. When Raina woke up later hungry and cranky, we went down to the hotel's restaurant. I insisted on her eating healthy and didn't let her get ice cream. She lost it and started crying loudly.

Raina wasn't a difficult child, but if she was tired, watch out. All ability to reason with her was gone. I quickly paid the bill and carried her back up to our bedroom. I didn't like the idea of giving her a bath in a hotel tub, so I gave her a quick shower, which she didn't like. The kid had had a rough day.

I'd packed about five picture books so we could continue our usual bedtime routine. I climbed into bed next to her and read her two books aloud. That night, I tossed and turned a lot, nervous about the next day. What would the doctors say? What would they do differently?

Our appointment was at 9:30 in the morning, which left us plenty of time. Raina awoke around 8:00. We went down to breakfast and I insisted she have some fruit. I filled out paperwork at the hospital while Raina played on the iPad.

The morning was filled with tests and poking and prodding. Raina was a trooper about it. I promised her ice cream that afternoon if she was good. A little after noon, we were done for the day and ready to get lunch. I knew she wouldn't have much energy, but I took her to a park afterwards to get some fresh air. After a while, she got tired so I just held her as we sat on the bench and enjoyed the weather.

Around 4:00 I knew the kids would be home from school, so I FaceTimed Lin. He answered smiling, knowing it would be Raina.

"Hi, sweetheart," he grinned over the phone.

"Daddy!" Raina exclaimed.

Lin asked Raina what they'd done since we were here. She told him about the hotel restaurant and that she'd been a brave girl today so she'd gotten ice cream. Lin praised her for being brave and I could tell he missed her terribly. Soon, other faces appeared next to him. Cam and Molly said a quick hello to their sister, but Felix sat on Lin's lap for a longer chat.

Felix told his sister what had happened at school that day and showed her a scrape he'd gotten that day at recess. He requested that I kiss it, so I pressed a quick kiss to the screen at that seemed to satisfy him. After a while he got distracted as he usually did, and so did Raina. Lin and I spoke for a few minutes.

"How's she doing?" he asked me.

"She's fine," I told him. "She was pretty cranky yesterday after all the travelling but better today."

He nodded, and I noticed that his facial expression had changed a bit now that it was only me. Any guise of being happy was gone. He didn't have to pretend for me. We were two parents in hell, and on top of that we were fighting.

"Everything going okay there?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Molly's been in her room a lot. She's pretty upset that you're gone."

I nodded, feeling guilty. "I bet. I'll try to call her later after I put Raina to bed."

We caught up on a few more things, but we definitely didn't have any pillow talk for each other. I loved Lin but I knew he was angry at me. That was fine because I had Raina where she needed to be. I felt it in my heart. We signed off and Raina and I spent some time coloring at the table, listening to music.

____

The next day, St. Jude's had Raina's test results. They were the same as the other two hospitals, as expected. What was different was a brand new type of medicine that was said to work faster that what the others had. However, it was usually a bit harder on the patient. I worried about that, but our Raina was strong.

I called Lin and discussed the treatment with him. He agreed to go along with it, so I consented to the treatment. Her first session would be that afternoon.

I took Raina out to lunch and explained to her what was going to happen. She was upset that she'd be feeling lousy again, but seemed to understand. Raina clung to me as I carried her into the hospital that afternoon. I brought her favorite teddy bear and she clutched it as she was administered the medicine.

"You're being such a good girl," I told her. The nurse talked to her quietly and explained what she was about to do. Raina cried a little but got through it like a trooper. Afterwards, one of the nurses stopped me and told me that there was a part of the hospital that created wigs for children who'd lost their hair due to treatment. I knew that would cheer Raina up. She loved her long, dark hair.

I carried her down and she immediately perked up. She took a few minutes to look around at all the different wigs while I chatted with the employee. They took some measurements and also a hair sample. It was falling out anyways. It would take several days to make her wig. It was expensive, but if it made Raina feel better, I thought it was worth it.

We FaceTimed with the family again that night and she told them all about her wig. She was so excited about it. Lin excused himself to answer the door and called Molly over to talk to me.

"Hi, Molly," I smiled at my eleven year old. "How are you doing?"

"I miss you," she told me, looking sad.

"I know," I said. "I miss you too."

"Can't I come to Tennessee and do online school?" she begged.

"No, sweetheart," I told her gently. "It's not that easy. You need to stay in New York."

"I want to be with you!"

It felt good to hear her say that. She was a tween now and would be a teenager in just a couple years. I didn't think she'd hate me and we'd argue, but I knew we wouldn't be quite as close. I treasured my time with her now and I hated being away from her.

"I want to be with you too, but we need to be strong for Raina," I told her.

"Everything's always about Raina!" she complained, obviously getting a little jealous. "What about what I need?"

"I know it's not fair," I told her. "The whole situation sucks, but it's not forever. I'll be home in a couple weeks."

"That's not good enough," she told me, frowning. I just sighed, not knowing what to say. Lin came back on screen and Molly walked away. I called after her, but she left and I heard her door slam.

"You okay?" Lin asked me. I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Molly's really struggling," I said. Lin nodded.

"She's been in her room a lot," he said, yawning. "I'm trying to get her to hang out with me more but she misses you."

I sighed loudly. "Lin, are we doing the right thing?"

His eyebrows raised a little, surprise. "Pip, you've known I've been against this all along. Is that really what you want to ask me?"

"But deep down, you know I did it because I know this is the best place for her," I said. He scrubbed a hand over his face. He was obviously exhausted.

"And I think New York's the best place for her, but I was overruled somehow," he reminded me. If I was looking for sympathy, I wasn't finding it here. My eyes welled up with tears. To have a sick child and to have half your family mad at you was getting to be too much.

"Lin, I can't stand us fighting," I told him tearfully. He looked at me, and seemed sympathetic. Lin loved me and I knew he didn't like to see me upset, even if he was mad at me.

"I don't like it either," he admitted. "But you really betrayed my trust, Pip. We're both Raina's parents and we both need to agree on what treatment she's getting."

"Well, I didn't agree with what they were doing in New York," I pointed out, causing Lin to sigh and look frustrated.

"Pip, let's not get into this right now," he said tiredly. "I'm exhausted. You're exhausted, and it's done. You've got her at St. Jude's. You got your way."

My eyebrows knitted. "I got my way? Is that what you think this is about?"

"Not entirely, but you didn't seem to care what I wanted or what was best for this family," he said. "Now Molly's a mess and Felix is without his twin sister. This is all on you, Pippa. You made your bed, now you get to lay in it. Good night."

He ended the call and I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I couldn't hold in the tears.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" Raina asked me. I shook my head, covering my eyes, and went into the bathroom to cry. I sat on the edge of the tub, turned on the water to drown out the noise, and cried like I never had.