Raina slept in our bed, and Lin was out on the couch. I'd never made him sleep on the couch before, but he'd earned it. According to him, I was telling the girls too much about Raina's illness. He didn't seem to understand how serious this was, or how scared I was. I knew he was worried too, but I didn't understand how he just stood back and wasn't going full force. He was a life-long New Yorker and would do anything to stay.

Felix had wandered out and was laying on Lin as they watched cartoons. We were expecting a phone call today from the doctors at New York Presbyterian. In my gut, I felt like our current doctors weren't doing enough. I guess you could call it a motherly instinct. Lin disagreed.

"Have you checked on Raina?" I asked my husband.

"Yep," he said. "Still sleeping."

I got the coffee going and I heard Lin groan as he peeled himself off the couch with Felix. They looked pretty adorable together, with their matching bed head. Felix really was a mini version of Lin. He talked quietly to Felix as he went to the pantry to find some cereal. Felix picked out Rice Krispies and he began to fix him a bowl. After he'd set our son up, he wandered down the hall to get the older girls going.

It was true that I'd had a chat with Molly and Cam the other day about Raina. We hadn't told them much, and they had caught on. They didn't like being kept in the dark, and I'm not sure why Lin was upset with me about telling them the plans. Maybe I should've waited for him to be there, but he'd been out all day. I did what I thought was appropriate.

When the coffee was ready, I poured him a mug and set it on the counter. He thanked me, but there was no affection between us. No good morning kiss, hug, or a touch with his fingers.

Soon, the kids were off to school. Raina cried a while later and I got her going while Lin made his phone calls. After breakfast, we sat down at the kitchen table together and I did some school work with her.

"Which picture shows 3 + 2?" I asked her, looking at a math worksheet. She studied them carefully, counting with her finger, and chose the correct one. "Good job."

She beamed as she circled the answer and went to the next one. We managed to get through two math sheets and she read a small book. I'd helped Felix with his homework recently and I could tell Raina was falling behind a little bit. Still, I wasn't terribly concerned. Raina was a smart cookie and she'd catch up just fine.

A couple hours later, the call we'd been waiting for came through. We put it on speaker phone as we both stood around the kitchen island. Basically, the doctors agreed with the Mount Sanai doctors. I felt a punch in my gut. My motherly instinct had never been wrong. What was it that they weren't getting?

Lin didn't gloat; it was our daughter's health after all. After we'd hung up, he fixed some more coffee and gave me some space for a few minutes, wisely. I processed the news, busying my hands with dishes and cleaning up. As I washed dishes, Lin leaned against the counter next to me.

"So, do you think we should move her to New York Presbyterian?" he asked me cautiously. We both knew the real question was to do with St. Jude's.

"I don't see the point," I said softly, scrubbing a little more harshly than needed at a coffee mug. "They thought the same thing."

Lin nodded and waited to see if I had anything else to say. He was wisely treading lightly.

"So, it seems like a good plan to let this treatment ride out and see where Raina stands afterwards. Would you agree?" he asked.

I sighed and shifted my weight around a little bit. "I still think St. Jude's would be best," I told him honestly. It was a feeling in my gut.

Lin let out an exhausted sigh, rubbing his hand over his face. "Pip, I don't know what else to do to convince you that the care she's getting here is top of the line. I mean, we just got a second opinion and they said the exact same thing. Do we need to get a third opinion?"

"Yes," I said, looking at him. "St. Jude's."

Lin pushed himself to standing and scratched at the back of his head. "You know I won't go along with that. Not at this point. You need to drop it, Pip."

I gaped at him, exasperated. "Drop it? There's no way in hell I'm dropping it, Lin."

"Then I don't know what to say to you," he said, crossing his arms. I could tell he was frustrated. I didn't take what I was about to say lightly, but my child's life was more important than my marriage.

"I'm taking Raina to St. Jude's," I told him. He was silent as he shifted his weight around, looking at me cuFelixusly.

"Excuse me?" he asked slowly.

I pulled the drain stopper and dried my hands on the rag. "There's no reason I shouldn't," I explained. "She's guaranteed to get the best care there. I know Mount Sanai and NYP are good, but St. Jude's is the best. That's the bottom line."

Lin rubbed the back of his head, not knowing what to say. Never in our marriage had we disagreed on something so completely. I'd never taken a bold stand like this, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. Don't mess with a mother bear.

"Fine," he said, obviously upset. "You want to break up our family on a whim, fine."

He put away some silverwear harshly in the drawer, slamming it shut. "You can explain to Cam, Molly, and Felix where you're going and why you're doing it, because I sure as hell don't know."

He glared at me and then stormed off to our bedroom, slamming the door. I didn't like that he was so upset, but I'd said what I needed to say. I wasn't going to take a chance with Raina's life. It wouldn't be great for a while. I would hate being separated from the other kids, and I would miss Lin, even though we'd been fighting. Maybe the time apart would do us some good.

When the kids got home around 3:30, I asked them to sit at the kitchen table. Lin stood in the kitchen, arms crossed, and just stood by. He didn't want to be part of this conversation, but he wanted to hear it. He wanted to see me struggle to explain it.

"Mommy what's wrong?" Molly asked, sensing my mood. I took a deep breath and let it out.

"Kids, you know Raina's been sick," I started, looking around the table at each of them. They all had a deer-in-the-headlights look on their faces.

"The doctors here in New York aren't really helping her get much better," I explained. "So, I'm going to take Raina to the top hospital for cancer in the country. St. Jude's."

"That's in Tennessee," Cam said, her eyebrows knitted with concern.

"Yes," I said. "Yes it is. And that's going to be hard. On all of us. But especially Raina."

"Why does she have to go there?" Molly asked. I looked up at Lin and he just stared at me, waiting to hear my answer.

"Well, as I said, it's the best in the country," I said calmly. "Your father and I won't let anything happen to Raina, so we're getting her the best care possible."

"Are we all moving there?" Cam asked.

"No," I told her. "I'll go with Raina and you three will stay here with Dad."

Felix started to cry. I pulled him into my lap and kissed his forehead. "Don't cry, Felix. I know it's hard, but we want Raina to be healthy again right?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice croaky. "But I'll miss her too much."

"I know," I said, concerned most about him. Raina was his twin, after all. "But we can FaceTime every day and it'll only be a couple months probably."

A couple months in a five-year-old's world was a huge amount of time, and I realized that. I hugged Felix a little tighter.

"Do any of you have any questions?" I asked.

"What are they doing differently there?" Molly asked.

I tried to explain the treatment plan; how they had different drugs and the top doctors. Lin didn't pipe in to help me out at all, of course. It was all on me.

"When are you leaving?" Cam asked.

I glanced at Lin and he looked away. "Tomorrow," I said. Cam's mouth opened and torqued in discomfort. She looked at me, then her father, and stormed off. Her door slammed.

"Can I come with you?" Molly asked softly.

"No, sweetheart," I said. "You need to stay here and go to school. Lin will take care of you."

She sighed, pulling her arms closer to her. She stared at the table. I knew this was going to be hard, but this was awful. Lin sighed and walked down the hall to go talk to Cam.

Lin slept on the couch again, with no prompting from me.