My baby had cancer. It's what nightmares were made of. When something was bothering one of my kids, I fixed it. I always fixed it. But I couldn't fix this. There was nothing I could do but just hold her and pray for the cancer to go away.

Raina was constantly exhausted, so school was still out of the question. She seemed to be more upset about that than when we finally sat her down and explained to her what was happening. Raina just wanted to do her normal activities like any other kid. We tried to keep her life as normal as possible. We did school with her at home so she didn't fall behind. She was a smart kid so I knew she'd be fine. Her teacher was great about sending us work. Raina's class even made Get Well Soon cards, which we put around her room.

The most horrible thing was having to take Raina to the hospital for her treatments. At first, she was too out of it and weak to really protest what was going on. Now, she knew what to expect. She hated getting her IV put in and hated the medicine. Her hair quickly started falling out and she got sick in the afternoons. Seeing your child suffer was awful. Lin and I clung to each other.

One evening, Raina was asleep in our bed and we laid on either side of her. Lin gently rubbed her back as we both just laid with her. The poor kid was exhausted and didn't fully understand why we had to take her into the hospital.

"Are you taking her to her appointment tomorrow?" I asked softly. Lin nodded.

"Last time I had to help hold her down while they put in the IV," he told me. "It was awful."

"I bet," I said softly. There was a knock at the door.

"Mommy?" It was Felix.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" I pushed myself up and turned to look at him.

"I don't feel good," he told me.

"Come here," I motioned for him to walk over. Felix walked over in his PJs and I lifted him up on the bed. I laid on my back and he settled in with me. I gently played with his short, dark hair. "What doesn't feel good?"

"My tummy," he said.

"I'm sorry, bud," I said. "Do you feel like throwing up?"

"Maybe," he said. "Did I catch what Raina has?"

Lin and I looked at each other. "No, buddy," I told him gently. "You can't catch cancer. You probably just have an upset tummy. It'll pass soon."

"When's Raina gonna get better?" he asked.

"Hopefully soon," I told him. "But we don't know when exactly."

"I want her to come back to school," he said as I continued to play with his hair.

"I know," I said. "She'll come back as soon as she can."

We all just laid there together quietly, the only sound was the sound of our breathing. It was peaceful, and I pretended we were just cuddling, completely healthy. Raina was fine and she just wanted to cuddle. No matter how much I wished, it wasn't true.

The next day, I took the kids to school, leaving Raina at home with Lin. I wanted to talk with Felix's teacher before school started to see how he was doing. Both Lin and I were worried about how was handling his sister's illness. Molly and Cam were both worried and scared, but we could explain things to them. We'd sat them down and explained the illness to them and how Raina would be treated. It seemed to help being completely honest with them. We'd told them there was a very good chance she'd be completely fine, but there was a small chance she might not survive.

Felix's teacher, Mrs. Matthews, greeted us warmly when we arrived. I'd called the day before to set up an appointment. She invited Felix to go play in the corner, and I sat down at one of the little tables.

"How's Raina doing?" she immediately asked me.

"Okay," I told her. "She's still very lethargic and she's started to lose her hair. But, we're hopeful the medicine will work."

"We've all been praying for her," Mrs. Matthews said, looking sympathetic.

"Thank you," I told her. "I really wanted to ask you about how Felix is doing. Being Raina's twin, Lin and I are really worried about how he's coping."

She nodded. "I know they're very close," she began. "I've been watching him closely, and I haven't noticed a whole lot of change. Sometimes with these family matters, school can be somewhat of a safe haven for the kids. Everything is still the same, and they like the sense of routine. He's been a bit withdrawn sometimes, but overall he seems just fine."

"When's he withdrawn?" I asked her.

"Mostly at recess," she said. "He and Raina usually played together at recess. The other kids have been great about inviting him to play, though."

"That's good to hear," I said. "In preschool, they were always together. We worried that they might have socialization problems, which is why we wanted them in separate classes."

"And I think that's a good thing," she said. "Since she's in the other room, he doesn't notice she's gone as much."

We talked some more about Felix's progress. He was doing well with his letters and letter sounds, as well as math. He was well behaved and seemed to really like school. That sounded about right. Felix talked nonstop about what he did at school and about Mrs. Matthews. After about fifteen minutes, I thanked Mrs. Matthews for her time just as the bell was ringing.

I kissed Felix goodbye and wandered down towards the fifth grade wing. Molly was putting her things away in her cubby in the hallway. She smiled when she saw me. I hugged her and told her I'd see her at home. I was off to go shoot for The Code.

All day, I thought about Raina and her appointment. Lin had said he'd had to hold her down last time while they put in the IV. That broke my heart. I made him promise to text me with updates. He said Raina was a bit better behaved because he promised they'd bake cookies when they got home if she was good.

When I got home around 7, I walked in to an argument. Cam was arguing with Lin about something, and he was holding Raina, who was crying softly. Her hair was starting to look ragged. I loved running my fingers through her hair, but now whenever I did that, it fell out. I'd had to stop.

"I should never get a call from school about that, Cam," Lin told his oldest child as he tried to multitask with making dinner. "I've raised you better than that."

"Dad, she's completely unreasonable," Cam went on. I walked over to Lin and gently took Raina from his arms, away from the argument. I shooshed her as I walked her to her room. "It was the last five minutes of class. It's not like we were doing anything important."

Probably an argument about her cell phone. I closed Raina's door and sat down on her bed with her.

"Hi sweetheart," I said gently, hugging her close. "Were you a brave girl today?"

"Uh-huh," she said, sniffling.

"Good girl," I told her. "Did you bake cookies with Daddy?"

"Yeah. We made chocolate chip," she reported.

"Mmmm, my favorite," I said. "I'll have to have one for dessert."

She started crying a little harder, turning her face towards my chest.

"Raina, what's wrong?" I asked her, rubbing her back.

"I don't want my hair to fall out," she said tearfully. I fought the instinct to play with her hair, knowing it would fall out and upset her more.

"I know, baby," I sympathized. "But that means the medicine is doing its job. It'll grow back when you're all better."

"But I want it to grow back now," she complained. It was hard for a five year old to understand. I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged her tighter, rocking her back and forth. It was quiet, so I could still hear the muffled argument from the kitchen. Lin was raising his voice, which he didn't do often. A few moments later, loud footsteps and a door slamming.

Raina was soon asleep, so I carefully laid her down on her bed and pulled the covers over her. I gently closed the door behind me and went to the kitchen. I could tell Lin was upset as he cooked.

"What's up with Cam?" I asked him as I cleaned up some dirty dishes.

"She got her cell phone taken away at school again," he reported. "Then was talking back to the teacher. So I took her phone and grounded her for a week."

Cam had been difficult before, but Raina's illness seemed to have made her worse. She seemed angry at the world and was taking it out on her family. I could tell she was hurting and I wished she would let me help her. However, she was pushing both Lin and me away.

"She's really struggling," I commented.

"She's really angry," Lin said, stirring whatever was in the pot.

"Give her some space," I urged him. Cam could be quite volatile, so when she was in a mood we tended to steer clear.

We ate as a family of five a while later. Raina was still asleep. I would take in some soup for her later. That seemed to be the easiest thing for her to keep down. I'm sure she was getting sick of soup, but it was important she still eat well.

Cam was a pile of grumpy and Molly was quiet. The whole mood of the family was morose lately. Felix was our ray of sunshine, telling us about his day in kindergarten. It was like we were all faking being a normal family. Nothing was normal with this heavy weight on our hearts. We wanted to think Raina would be fine, but to think so and not have it turn out okay – well, that would crush us completely.

Despite her foul mood, Lin told Cam to do the dishes. It was like poking a beast. I could sense Lin's mood was right on the brink of snapping, so I tried to smooth things over by helping Cam.

"I'll dry if you wash," I told her, referring to the pile of pots and pans.

"Fine," she said quietly. We were quiet as we worked side by side. Lin started to run a bath for Felix and Molly started on her homework.

After a few minutes of silence and working, I cleared my throat.

"Cam, I can tell you're angry," I began. "Is it all about Raina, or is something else going on?"

She sighed and scrubbed at a pot. "I don't want to talk about it."

I was quiet for several long moments. "Okay," I told her. "But if you want to talk I'm here. I know this is hard."

"Alright," she said dismissively, keeping her eyes on what she was doing. Even though she was being difficult, my heart still ached for my stepdaughter. I knew she was hurting and didn't know how to deal with it.

As we finished, I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She didn't push me away like I expected. She stood there for a few moments, closing her eyes, before going to her bedroom and closing her door. I went to check on Raina, finding her stirring. I asked if she wanted to eat and she said yes, so I went back to the kitchen to heat up some soup.

She wandered out and sat at the kitchen table, and I brought her soup and some bread and sat with her.

The weeks passed similarly. Raina was still weak and could only keep down soup. Her hair came out completely, and she hated it. She wore hats a lot and didn't like to go outside. She didn't want people looking at her. Other kids stared, not knowing it was bothering Raina. They didn't understand why she looked different.

Finally, a month had passed and Raina had completed the first stage of her treatment. We'd been told that most cases went into remission after this, so we had high hopes. I took Raina to the regular doctor to get blood drawn and we waited anxiously for the results.

The call came a couple days later. Devestation.