I had been pretty down and stressed out the last couple days.  Pippa being upset about Molly leaving didn't help.  My mom had called me from prison.  She was wondering why I hadn't come to visit her.  I didn't have a good answer for her.

Most of the time I was a pretty outgoing, friendly kid.  Well, apart from the times I was backstabbing people.  I felt like I was past that now.  In the Mirandas' house, I didn't have to do crazy things to make my mom happy.  The Mirandas just wanted to me to do well in school and help with chores.

I holed up in me and Cam's room after dinner.  I'd been contemplating whether to visit my mom or not.  Honestly, I'd felt free since she went to prison.  It was this huge weight off my shoulders.  I didn't have to deal with her shit daily and I could just be a normal teenager.  But, she was still my mother.  Despite everything, I still loved her.  I missed her sometimes, like when I saw Pippa with her kids.  I wanted a hug from my mom.

When Cam walked in one day after school I must have been staring off into nothing, because she asked me what was wrong.

"Oh," I snapped myself out of my trance.  "Nothing."

She eyed me as she fumbled through her desk drawer for something.  "You sure?  You've seemed down lately."

She sat on her bed against the other wall and waited for me to say something.  "My mom's called me a couple times from jail.  She wants me to visit."

"And you don't want to?" she asked. 

I shrugged.  "I'm not sure.  I'm kind of sick of her drama, you know?"

She nodded vigorously.  "I can imagine.  She did some crazy stuff."

"When I was five and we had no money she used to have me steal food from the store for her.  She figured if I got caught I wouldn't get sent to jail like she would."

"Wow," she said.  "That's messed up."

I bit my lip, nodding.  "I kind of miss her, though.  Is that kind of messed up?  She's put me through so much crap."

"Not at all," she told me.  "She's your mom.  For better or worse."

I nodded and we were both silent for a while.

"If you want to go, I'm sure my dad will take you," she offered.  "I could go too if you want."

I smiled a little and thanked her.  "I'll think about it."

____

Cam and I were starting to trip over each other in our room.  We were two teenage girls who loved clothes.  We were always civil towards each other, but I felt like Cam wanted her own space back.  We talked again one night about me moving into Molly's room for the time being.  We'd tried with Lin, but he wasn't much help.  Maybe Pippa would be more sympathetic.  We approached her one evening after the twins had gone to bed.

"Pippa?" Cam asked, sitting next to her on the couch.  Pippa closed her book and smiled at her.  I sat on the other couch.  "America and I have been thinking.  There's a whole empty room not being used by Molly.  Couldn't America have it until Molly gets back?"

Pippa smirked a little bit.  "Lin told me you already asked him," she said.  "And what did he tell you?"

Parents could be tricky.  I'd never had a dad so it was weird having two adults.  Two adults who communicated with each other.

"That we should ask Molly," Cam said.

"And did you?" she prompted.

"No," Cam admitted.  "But couldn't you just say we can?"

"That wouldn't be fair to Molly," said Pippa.  "It's her space.  You need to ask her."

Pippa looked at her watch.  "It's morning over there.  You could try calling her."

Cam and I looked at each other and nodded.  We went back to our room to make the phone call.  She didn't answer, of course.  Cam sighed and tossed her phone on her bed.

"This room's way too small," she said.  "I like you and all, but damn."

I nodded in agreement.  My phone rang.  An unidentified number from area code 718.  Probably the prison again.  I sighed and accepted it.  An automated voice came on to ask if I accepted the charges.  I guess I could - how was Mom paying the cell phone bill?

The phone clicked over and I heard my mom's voice.  "America?"

"Hi, Mom," I replied, trying to sound cheery.  I knew it must suck in there.

"When are you visiting me?" she asked immediately.  No 'how are you', or 'I miss you'.

I sighed.  "Mom, I'm really busy right now," I lied.  "School's been crazy."

"You can't be too busy to come visit your mother."

I raked my fingers through my hair, unsure of what to say.  "Mom, I don't know if I want to come to prison.  It's scary."

"Oh, don't be a baby," she told me.  "It's fine.  I'm going crazy in here.  Everyone else gets visitors."

I sighed, feeling guilty.  "I'll try to come," I told her.  "What are the visiting hours?"

She told me and we finished up our conversation.  I pressed 'End' and laid down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Are you gonna go?" Cam asked me.

I didn't like that she had heard my conversation.  My relationship with my mom was complicated.  I didn't want people judging me.

"I don't know.  Maybe," I said shortly, not wanting to talk about it.  Cam nodded and opened up one of her textbooks to do some homework.  We spent the rest of the evening working quietly on our own stuff.

Finally, I got up the courage to go visit my mom a few days later.  Lin took me and Cam tagged along for moral support.  Lin went up to the desk with me where I was signed in.  We went through security and got a pat-down.  Lin and Cam waited in a separate waiting area as I went in.  My stomach was in knots. 

One of the officers told me to go to carrel #5 so I made my way there.  Plex-glass separated me from my mother.  She beamed and smiled when she saw me sit down.  We both picked up the phone and I offered a small smile.

"Hi, Mom," I said softly.

"I'm so glad you came!" she said, reaching her palm to touch the glass.  I did the same as we just looked at each other for several long moments.  She had tears in her eyes.  She was messed up, but there was never any doubt she loved me.

"How's school been?" she asked.

I filled her in on my classes.  I was doing better now that I was living with the Mirandas.  I told her about the twins and what it was like there.  She seemed proud of how well I was doing.

"My trial date is set for April," she informed me.  Months away.

"What's gonna happen when you get out?" I asked, assuming she'd be exonerated. 

She shrugged.  "We'll find a new place."

"In the city?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied.  "Why?  Are you tired of the city?"

"No.  Just wondering."

We were silent for several long moments and it felt uncomfortable.  I wasn't sure what to talk to her about.  How's prison?  Is there lots of lesbian sex going on?  We made some small talk the last few minutes and I was relieved when our time was up.  Mom said she loved me and we touch hands through the glass again.  I hung up and gratefully walked back out to the waiting room.

Lin and Cam looked at me expectantly.  I breathed out through my mouth and said, "Let's go."

I could tell they were waiting for me to say how it went.  They didn't want to pester me.  I didn't offer anything as we walked down the street and found the subway.  I played Candy Crush on my phone as we rode home.  Cam must've known I needed space because she let me be alone in the bedroom for a while.

Around 6:30, there was a knock and Lin came in.  I was laying on my stomach, hugging a pillow.  He sat down in the desk chair and studied me for a moment.  "You okay, kiddo?"

"Fine," I croaked out, not looking at him.

"I'm sure this afternoon was hard," he said gently.  "Do you wanna talk about it?"

I wasn't used to adults asking if I wanted to talk about things.  Most of the time, I just had to deal with the situation, no matter how I felt about it.  Lin cared about how I was feeling?

"I don't know," I said, not sure if I wanted to open up.  After all, I shouldn't get used to having caring adults in my life.  Once my mom got out of prison, I'd be back with her and fending for myself.

He leaned forward on his elbows, lowering his voice more.  "I'm sure you've been having some hard feelings seeing your mom locked up.  I can't imagine."

"Honestly, it's been nice to not have to deal with her drama," I told him.  "I haven't been as stressed out."

"Well that's good," he said.  "She seems like she has a lot of...issues."

"That's putting it lightly," I said.  I turned onto my side to look at Lin.  He seemed like a safe person.  "I'm kind of...dreading going back with her."

Lin was silent for a moment as I picked at my cuticles.  Was that a horrible thing to say?  Was I a horrible daughter?

"I can understand that," he said, surprising me a little.  "When you're with her it doesn't seem like you have a chance to be a regular kid."

"I don't," I agreed.  "She's nuts."

He nodded and seemed to be thinking.  "How old are you?"

"Fifteen," I replied.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but there are options if you really don't want to be with your mother," he said.  "Have you heard of emancipation?"

"Sort of," I said.

"Well, it's when you can legally separate yourself from your parents," he explained.  "If you feel your well-being is at stake, you can petition for that."

The idea made me uncomfortable, but also intrigued me.  I could legally separate from my mom?  Like a divorce?  It was true that her presence in my life made it a mess.

"I don't think my mom would like that," I said honestly.  He smirked a little and nodded.

"Probably not," he agreed.  "But she hasn't been doing her job, in my opinion.  And yours too, I think."

"But what would I do?  Just stay in the foster system?  Would I have to get a place of my own?"

"You could stay with us," he said.  "We're happy to keep fostering you."

"You are?" I was surprised.  Adults didn't usually like me.

"Of course," he chuckled a little.  "You're a great kid once you get yourself away from the toxicity."

I thought about that for a moment.  A way out.  The Mirandas were willing to let me live with them until I left for college?  What an opportunity that would be, but it also scared me.  This would crush my mom.  How could I ever look her in the eye again?  She'd forever know that I chose to leave her.

"Uhhh...I don't know," I said.

"You don't have to decide now, of course," he said, standing up.  "Just something to think about."

He gave me a wink as he pushed the chair back in.  I'd noticed he was very affectionate with his kids.  Pippa too.  I wanted that.  My mom had never really been an openly affectionate person.  We hugged every once in a while, but Lin was constantly hugging his kids.  I wonder what that felt like.  Cam sometimes faked that she was annoyed but I know she secretly enjoyed it.

That night, I laid awake thinking about the possibility of emancipation.  Would I have to go to court and face my mom?  What if I asked for it but didn't get it for some reason?  That would be so awkward.  But mostly, I thought about my mom and how it would hurt her.  But what about me?  Our lives were always about what she wanted and needed.  Wasn't I important too?

The next day in school I was flighty.  I barely paid attention and got scolded once for not being with it.  I was glad when the day was over, but still couldn't escape my thoughts.  I sat on the couch just staring as I watched Lin play with Raina on the floor with some Legos.  How would my life have been different if I'd had a father?  I wondered if Raina knew how lucky she was.

After dinner, Cam came storming into our room and slammed the door.  She crashed onto her bed and let out an annoyed sound.

"Uggghh!!" she growled.  "My dad sucks!"

"Why?"

"He took my phone away until I pull my math grade up to a B-."

I gave her an unsympathetic look.  Her dad was being so nice to me, and she was so lucky to have grown up with him always in her life.  Her annoyance seemed petty.

"So?  At least he cares about your grades."

She looked at me, obviously annoyed.  "Are you serious right now?  You're taking his side?"

"Not exactly, but you're luckier than you know.  Your dad cares about you.  My mom is a mess and she only cares about herself," I explained.

"Well excuse me for not being excited about not having my phone," she quipped with a bitchy voice.  I didn't need this.  I stood up and stormed out, slamming the door behind me.  I knew Molly's room was her space, but I needed to be alone.  I laid down on her bed and let myself cry.