"Alejandro? Is everything okay, buddy?" asked the host.

A dark shadow passed his face. Alejandro smiled to cover up his pain.

"Ah, memories," he said. "Amigo, why don't you tell the little chica here what else you have up your sleeve?"

"That sounds like a great idea," said the host, happy to change the subject. "Jani, our people have been told how much you love animals, and how you visit your local shelter every weekend. Why don't you share with everyone what you do with these animals?"

Wait. How did he now that? Who was "the people," and why were they following me? I could feel my resting bitch face stay in place to mask my insecurities.

"I visit the animal shelter and I take an animal to a nursing home to visit," I said in monotone.

"Awww...." droned on the audience. I sunk a little deeper inside myself. I wasn't used to positive feedback at all.

"And what do you do with these animals when you take them there?" asked the host.

"I take them from room to room where the elderly can pet them."

"Have you ever had a patient not want one before?"

"Every once in a while."

"What do you do in those moments?"

"I give them their space."

"Does that happen often?"

"Not really."

"It's my understanding that one patient turns you down every week."

I knew who he was talking about. Her name was Julia. She had Alzheimer's. She just wanted to be left alone most of the time.

"I don't really count her. She's just old and cranky."

Alejandro looked at me thoughtfully. The host asked, "And yet, you keep offering her an animal, even knowing that she's going to reject it?"

I felt myself sinking again. "You never know when she may change her mind."

"You mean, IF she changes her mind?"

"Yeah, maybe." I hung my head. "But I would rather take a chance to be rejected, than risk not trying at all. No matter how many times it has happened before, it does not change that today is a new day."

"That sounds like some very logical advice to me," said the host.

The people clapped. I could feel a change from Alejandro. Was that a small tick in his eye? It was too subtle for most to take notice, but it changed him. The individual that took me backstage was warm and comforting. This one was all smiles and talk. He talked with the host, and cracked jokes with him like I was not even there. The host attempted to get me to talk a couple of times, but this time Alejandro acted like he wanted all of the spotlight. It was mentioned of the nursing homes and the animal shelters I visited, and how you can adopt one, or visit an old person; but all the friendliness was gone. It was just like dealing with my parents and peers: all business. I even had the feeling he was annoyed that I did not worship the ground he walked on or something.

Near the end of the show, Alejandro was to sing one of his hit songs. The moment the music played, I could feel him change again. This one was one of his more upbeat numbers. He felt.....reckless? The one before was all arrogance and pride. This one was like a burning flame.

I began to wonder about him. Was he mentally unstable? Could he have bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, or maybe multi-personality disorder?

It was my habit to wear my mask when I was in deep thought: show no emotion, don't let your feelings show. It was my coping mechanism throughout my school career, and also when I returned home that night. It did not do anything to prepare me how to interact on national television, even for one day. While all these thoughts were going through my head, I wore my mask without even realizing it. I appeared cold and distant. In the end, even the host couldn't wait for me to get off of the show.

The ride back home was brutal. My mother of course, was furious and it was all my fault, as always.

"How DARE you allow them to speak about me like that! After all I have done for you!" Her assault continued. I kept my head down. I thought of the things that happened on the show. For a fleeting moment, I asked her, "Why did you do it?"

"Why did I do what?"

"Why did you embarrass me like that on national television and make a fool of yourself while you were at it?" Did I really have to spell it out about the dildo? And that unanswered, unasked question, why would you give a young adolescent that in the first place?

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

Did she really not know? .....No, she didn't. My mother did not have any recognition about it at all, just a blank space on her face.

"Nothing." I turned my head and tuned her out again. I have known for years that my mother was a narcissistic sociopath. I didn't know that she was just stupid as well. She disappointed me yet again. I had more important things to dwell on anyway, like all the things I had witnessed with Alejandro. All those subtle things that nobody else appeared to notice: the facial tick, the flash of light, the smiles that felt like they were coming from completely different people. I was not educated any more than any other average person on these things. I decided to look more into it when we returned home.

I searched the internet, and I found that most cases involved a terrible amount of horrific abuse. I carefully watched over each of his movies. It was more difficult to catch while watching on the screen. When I was actually with him, I could feel it; but while watching him in various videos, it very much appeared that somebody outside the character role he was meant to play would appear; and look very much confused, like he did not understand what was going on. Alejandro was called a genius for the way that he played his roles. Was he? Or was he giving out a cry for help and nobody was listening?

About a week or two later, the show host contacted me again.

"Jani? I hear your mother has been a very busy woman. Do you have any idea what she has been doing?"

"Somewhat," I said. "I know she's made a point to let me know that I am an absolute failure in every way, that I am unresponsive and ugly, and has done everything in her power to manipulate me into having plastic surgery, liposuction, a social interacting coach, or even throw myself off of a bridge or skyscraper, or drown myself; all of which I refuse to do as none of it sounds very gratifying."

"Well, is that all?"

"No, of course not," I replied. "But they were the most pleasant and uplifting things she had to say."

I heard him cough in the background, attempting to cover up a laugh. "So I take it that means she hasn't been completely honest about your desires to be in show business?"

"I'd rather jump off the bridge than get in front of a camera again."

"And Alejandro? Would you like to see him again? Or was she lying about that as well?"

"Well..."

I looked back at the poster I allowed to still hang on my wall. So many questions.....

"I know for a fact that I have no intentions to enter show business," I said. "But I would like to see Alejandro again."

"That can be arranged."

"I want to be able to see him on my terms this time," I said. "I want to meet him at the nearby animal shelter." The animals made me feel more secure. "I have several questions that maybe he can answer."

"I'll see what I can do."

We hung up, and I sat on my bed, staring at his image again on my wall. So many things I wondered about. Will I ever get to know them?

I thought of Maria, and how good she was to me. I thought of the souvenir I had of her. She gave it to me when she had to say goodbye.

"Tu eres la dulzura en me vida." You are the sweetness in my life.

I missed her so much, but I believed he must have missed her more. I decided I would give it to him when I would next see him.

That night, I dreamed of Alejandro and the host. I dreamed of him so many times before; but this time, they weren't things like him holding my hand, or taking walks on a sunny beachside. This time, something was terribly wrong. Something about the whole setting felt.....dangerous. The words were too fuzzy to make out, but the body language was very angry and cold. The last words were Alejandro's:

"If she knows too much, she dies."